April's Reign

We're not calling them resolutions.

2012-01-24T15:02:00.001-07:00

Things I want to do in 2012:

Finish the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series.

Read the Hunger Games series. Before the movie comes out.

Make strawberry jam.

Make some of these cute reusable grocery bags. Or these.

Find a new comforter for my bed. Possibly redecorate my room.

Organize my jewelry.

Cook and bake and have fun in the kitchen. Find at least 6 new recipes to make regularly for my family.

Get hooked on Mad Men. (Thank you Netflix!)

Give up something for Lent. Something really difficult. Like chocolate. Or sugar. Or Pinterest. Or Words with Friends. (I know, that last one had me laughing too. There is NO WAY.)

Write letters to people I love telling them why I love them. Real letters. That you send through the mail and not electronically. I know, right?

Make these bookmarks.

Start Christmas shopping early. Like in July.

Make a calendar of Items To Do each month. Things that need to be cleaned, organized or made.

Go to San Francisco with Ken and Dee.

Save money to buy myself a Le Creuset French Oven in Fennel.

Make these flowers.

Give up Grey's Anatomy.

Write more. Not just here, but finish projects I have been working on.

Get the kids' pictures taken. Nice ones.

Make more of an effort to spend time with our parents.

Figure out a way to grow herbs.

Get rid of a bunch of stuff I no longer want/need/use.

Forgive. Get over it. Move on.

The Lucky 33 meme I stole from my friend Chris. Because I'm lazy like that.

2012-01-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!!! And who doesn't need a little luck to ring in 2012? I know I sure do. So thank you Chris! Not that I have not had any inspiration, I just haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and blog like the good old days (I started this post on December 20th. Yeah.). But never fear, I am not giving up. I am not a quitter. As long as you all want to keep reading my mindless word vomit, I will continue posting here. God help us all.

And away we go a-meme-ing (I totally just made that up on the fly. I am so clever....)

1. Can you cook? Both my grandmas were from the south. So that would be a resounding hell yeah.

2. What was your dream growing up? To get the hell out of Utah. Mission accomplished.

3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I was a good dancer.

4. Favorite place? London England. Disneyland. My bed.

5. Favorite vegetable? Not much a veggie fan. I'll eat salad all day long, does that count? And I love artichoke hearts. That counts, right?

6. What was the last book you read? The Help. And sadly I have been reading Mini Shopaholic for a year. I put it down, I pick it up, I read a few chapters and put it down again. I miss reading.

7. What zodiac sign are you? Virgo. Shut up. I know.

8. Any Tattoos and/orPiercings? My ears are pierced a million times, but that's it. I want a tattoo on my foot but Ubes' says no. And I'm an obedient wife. I know! I couldn't even type it with a straight face! I'll be giggling at that all day. But really, he does say no. But I think I'm scared of the pain. And also Hepatitis.

9. Worst Habit? Swearing. It's so not lady like. I'm also a MAJOR procrastinator.

10. Do you personally know anybody who has a Blog? Yes, LOTS of people.

11. What is your favorite sport? Shopping. Specifically, shoe shopping.

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? I consider myself a cynical optimist.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in a lift (elevator) with someone of the opposite sex? It wouldn't really matter what sex they were, because I would be FREAKING OUT and hyperventilating and crying like a baby and therefore, totally unattractive. I hate elevators, and this is one of my biggest fears.

4. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I hate this question. Because no matter what I say, something worse has happened to others. I'm just thankful for the strength God gives me to overcome life's battles.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you: When I'm reading a book, I always skip ahead a few chapters to see what happens, and then I'll go back and pick up where I left off. I can't stand the suspense.

16. Do you have any pets? Yes, do you want them? Because they are assholes. (I should have listened to you about the puppies Karen.)

17. Do you know how to do the Macarena? I'm proud to say NO. But I kick ass at the Hustle and I can Frug like there's no tomorrow.

18. Is the sun shining where you are now? I have no idea, I'm in a cubicle. But there's lots of God awful fluorescent light accentuating every pore, hair and imperfection in my face.

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Neither. But I don't like them.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Nothing. Once you start changing stuff, you never stop. If I could change anything about myself, it would be to stop picking myself apart and start accepting the way things are. Imperfections and all.

21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? It would be depend on what you wanted to do. I'm not going to jail for anyone.

22. What color eyes do you have? Bluish-greenish. Are we talking about the dark circles too? Because those are a nice purpley-silver.

23. Ever been married? Yes. It's going well. But in my next life, I don't think I will. I think I'll just be a big whore.

24. Bottle or Draft? Draft. Mostly for economical reasons. I'm cheap.

25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Hmmm, well let's see. 10,000 pounds is what? Like 6000 bucks? Not a lot you can do with that. I'd by my husband some brewing equipment.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Ice Breakers Cubes in peppermint.

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at? I don't hang in any bar. But in my next life, look out. Big whore coming to town.

28. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. This is why.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, I like to sleep. I like to watch TV (currently loving Breaking Bad and can't wait for the return of The Walking Dead.)

30. Do you swear a lot? Duh.

31. Biggest pet peeve? This question could keep us here all day. So I'll just pick a few. I hate it when people make noises when they eat. I seriously want to hit them. And I don't enjoy it when someone wants to know your whole life story but they don't tell you a thing. That's just rude.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Awesome.

33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Confidently Awesome.

A letter to Target

2011-12-08T12:22:00.011-07:00

Dear Target,

I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.

I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??

Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.

I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.

I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???

That's what I thought.

Happy Holidays,

April, former Target shopper

Is anyone still reading this crap?

2011-12-07T20:10:00.005-07:00

Hello?? Is anyone out there?
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Do you remember me? I'm April. I used to write stuff. You guys would come here and read about my life and kids and that guy I'm married to. I would tell you random stories about my daily encounters with stupid people. I talked about shoes. A lot. And food. I like food. And Daniel Craig. I made fun of people pretty regularly. It was some good times.
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And then I got really busy with my kids and my job and my extracurricular activities (ie, Pinterest and Words with Friends) and I stopped writing as often. And then I just stopped all together.
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And then I missed you.
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I got really grumpy because I wasn't channeling my creative juices properly. But I had a lot to say and not the right words to say it. You know? Are you feeling me? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
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Honestly... I think I got a little depressed. Gasp.
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I know. Shocking.
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But in the last few months I have experienced some MAJOR changes. All without medication.

So here is what has been going on....
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Ubes and I moved. Downsized. Majorly.
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Ubes and I discovered we have a lot of shit.
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Ubes and I vowed to stop buying so much shit.
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Ubes and I became eternally grateful for our amazing friends who helped us move. (Bud, Diane, Brooke, Jovina, Erin and Kim. We love you. Thanks for helping us with all of our shit.)(Yes, we have a friend named Bud. How bad ass are we?)
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I switched jobs. Same company. Different job, different boss. The jury's still out on that one.
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Ubes and I went on the Cruise of Awesomeness with 13 friends. Fun times were had by all. There was dancing. There was karaoke-ing. There was a lot of eating (three words: bacon mac & cheese). There was laughing. Someone broke their toe. Someone did the white man's overbite. A lot. It was definitely awesome.
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Ubes and I went to Colorado for 6 days to train at a brewery. It was by far one of the best vacations we have ever had. We are in full force pursuit of our dream. It is both scary and exciting.
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I closed the door on a 20 year friendship. It was heartbreaking. But it was the best decision for me at this time in my life. I harbor no hard feelings and wish this person nothing but the best. But this relationship was not bringing anything positive to my life. It hurts to let go of history like that. But a friendship shouldn't be such hard work. People grow apart. People change. Maybe it was me. But if I don't think you are a positive contribution to my life, then I am certain I am not a positive contribution to yours. It sucks. But sometimes it's necessary to weed the garden. There are some weeds that look like flowers. But the stems are full of thorns. And that's all I'm going to say about it.
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My oldest son is taller than I am. He wants to be an architect. I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between his voice and his father's.
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My middle child won his school's spelling bee. And an award for outstanding character. And showed me how to work my new iPhone.
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My daughter lost one of her top teeth. This weekend she will be the flower girl in Ubes' youngest cousin's wedding. She has announced her official retirement as a flower girl. She wants to go out on top of her game. She is also asking Santa for silver sequined Uggs. And please Santa, no knock offs. She may be eight, but she's not stupid. Mmmmkay?
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And we're all caught up. I'd like to write more often. I'll see what I can do.

Perspective

2011-10-11T09:51:00.005-07:00

Email from me to Uberman:

So today started out awesome. I had an obscene call as soon as I sat down. This guy wanted me to talk about different products we offered so I asked what type of product was he interested in. He said "Just tell me about my options." So I start talking about the differences in personal and business and he starts going "Oooooh, oh. Oh. Oh." So I stop. And I knew something was not right. So I said "Sir, what are you looking for? Specifically." And he says "I'm just looking for something that sounds good to me." Weird right? But it's 5:00 in the morning and I am still not fully awake and these east coasters are odd ducks, so I start talking about products again and he starts with the "Oh" noises and so I stopped talking again. And he says "Oh no, don't stop." So I told him he was making me uncomfortable and I hung up. I feel like I need a shower. So how is your day?

Reply from Ubes:

My day is worse. I just got a call from a telemarketer. Asking about my internet. I feel so violated.

And Oprah thinks she's so cool....

2011-10-06T07:31:00.004-07:00

So you guys have all heard me talk about my friend Jovina. She's probably reading this so everyone say "Hi Jovina!"

(Hi Jovina!)

Well Jovina and I have been friends for like forever. More than 10 years. And of all my friends, I think Ubes is most likely to fantasize about Jovina. Not only because she is gorgeous, but because she is super duper organized. The girl has rubbermaid containers up the wazoo. And everything is alphabetized. She's amazing. Plus she is crafty as heck. (Like how I am trying not to use swear words? Jovina is super sweet and never ever uses bad words. I should be more like her.) Jovina sews and she makes fun crafty things, and she always has the latest and greatest in scrapbooking and craft supplies. All in designated rubbermaid containers.

(Stop rolling your eyes Jovina, you know it's true.)

But anyhoo, Jovina came up with this idea last year to hold an annual Favorite Things Party. You know, like Oprah. She invited something like 40 women to her house on a Sunday morning and asked them each to bring 2 favorite things. One of your favorite things was supposed to be a give away, that way every person who attended the party left with something fun. The point was to give other people fun ideas for holiday gifts, etc.

It's been a huge hit. We have had so much fun at these parties and you would not believe the amazing ideas people have.

So this year, Jovina wrote to the fine people at Purple Cows and told them how much she loved their laminator and how she was using it as one of her favorite things for her annual party. And guess what??? They sent her THIRTY laminators to give away.

Whaaaaaaaaaaat???

I can't tell you how much fun it was, standing in front of all those women with our best Oprah voices shouting "Everyone gets a LAMINATOOORRRRRRR!! You get a laminator! And YOU get a laminator!!"

They also sent several products to give as door prizes! How cool are the people at Purple Cows? They made 30 moms, most of whom are crafty, some are teachers, some are even homeschoolers, very very happy. I want to buy more stuff from them just because they went out of their way to do that for us.

Here we are with our new laminators. How happy is this crowd? That's me (wearing glasses) in the front on the left. Jovina is the gorgeous redhead in the mint green shirt four people to my left.

So check out Purple Cows when you have a second, they are awesome. I just added their Melt Craft Iron and Gem Setting set to my Christmas list. I can't wait to start blinging everything I own. But don't stand still next to me. I will laminate you. You have been warned.

Let's talk about being a mom...

2011-09-19T17:18:00.003-07:00

So last week I kind of started something on my Facebook page. It wasn't a fight or anything, but it did kind of become a heated discussion between me and a few others off line. And I rarely discuss topics here that can be deemed controversial or that can spark conflict, but this started conversations that I think are good, regardless of whether or not you agree with me.

So Thursday afternoon I was watching the new Anderson Cooper talk show. Sarah Jessica Parker was on talking about her new movie, in which she plays a woman struggling with her responsibilities as a mom, a wife and an executive. So of course Anderson, God bless him, starts asking her if the movie mirrored her life as a working mother. And SJP then starts talking about how difficult it is to be a working mom.

Really?

Well I have to tell you, I really wanted to punch her in the face.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not doubting that it is difficult for her, I am sure it is. But her difficult and my difficult and almost any other working mother's difficult, are like talking about life on two different planets.

Why do we do this as a society? Why do we take a celebrity and make them a spokesperson for normal people?

When I had just given birth to Junior, Cindy Crawford had also recently given birth to her oldest child. And I remember watching her on a talk show where they introduced her as "Super Model turned Super Mom." And I wanted to throw a dirty diaper at the TV.

Now I am not trying to sound bitter. I am just saying COME ON!

You know who is a Super Mom? My mother. She raised me by herself for 13 years. She got pregnant at 17, made a very difficult decision to raise a child when she was still a child herself, and worked two, sometimes three jobs to put food on the table and clothes on my back. She had no help, other than my grandma who took me for the weekend occasionally. And this all happened in Utah. Not exactly a friendly environment for a young, single mother. My mother also knows how difficult it can be to be a working mother. She missed a lot, yes. But I never missed a meal, I always had new clothes when school started, and had excellent grades.

Being a mother is not easy, regardless of your circumstances. There's that constant doubt. Am I doing too much for them? Am I doing too little? Am I hugging them enough? Am I sheltering them too much?

And when you throw a full time job into the equation? It can be heartbreaking. I have missed honor roll assemblies, class parties and field trips. I have had to take them to my mother in law's house when they were sick because I couldn't miss work. I've forgotten to check homework and sign permission slips and send in treats for the class. I've had to tell one child they couldn't attend a birthday party because another child was asked to attend one first and I can't be in two places at once.

Something tells me SJP may not know what that is like.

Now please don't misunderstand. I am not complaining about being a mother. It is the greatest thing that I do. All three of my children were prayed for, planned and celebrated. And I was very lucky to have been able to stay at home with them when they were little.

But I sucked as a stay at home mom.

I was not any more organized or focused on my job as a mother. And like I said, although I am very thankful for the time I had as a stay at home mom, I always felt like I was missing something. I missed human contact. Grown up conversations. I would follow Ubes around the house when he got home from work telling him all about Oprah and Rosie and All My Children and "Ohmygod Babe, you would just not believe the sexual tension between Bob the Builder and his assistant Wendy. It is palpable."

And most of all, I missed the annual performance evaluation. I really wanted Uberman to sit me down and say "Okay Babe, you have exceeded expectations saving money and using coupons. However, I think folding the laundry is a major opportunity for improvement."

What can I say, I need affirmation.

And I am about to tell you something that a lot of working mom's don't want to admit. It's kind of a secret. You will be shocked and you may think differently of me....

Are you ready?

Are you sure??

Okay... Here goes....

(deep breath)

I LIKE HAVING A JOB.

(gasp)

I know, right?!?!? I like working. I want to work. I actually enjoy it. I like having a time and a place and a task that is all mine. I like having something to focus on outside of home and kids and marriage and bills and family and cleaning and organizing and all that other stuff. I like the sense of accomplishment when I achieve something great. I like it that it is all about my contributions and not about my personal life. I like that it is up to me to achieve whatever I want. And you know what? A paycheck every two weeks that helps my family and my financial situation is pretty cool too. Call it an escape if you want to, I don't really care. I like to work.

I am not knocking the stay at home moms. If you can stay home and you can put all your focus into being the CEO of your household, more power to you. All I know is, THIS works for us. I am so lucky that I can be home when my kids get home from school so I can still correct homework and make sure everything is ready for the next day. And thank God Ubes is here when they leave in the morning to make sure everyone is wearing clean clothes and their teeth and faces are clean and their hair is combed and they all have their backpacks and lunches.

I hate the constant fight between stay home moms and working moms. Either way, you are a mother. And that is the hardest job there is. Do what works best for your family. And OWN it. Don't feel guilty about what you have chosen. The most important thing is to be the best mom you can be. Savor that time with your kids. And don't beat yourself up when you can't be there.

Kids are resilient. I should know. I was one.

And for crying out loud, if you need a spokesperson for motherhood, choose someone within your own family or group of friends. Or your neighbor down the street who has all the kids in the neighborhood at her house at any given moment and makes the best brownies in the world! Don't pick a celebrity who is not living in real life.

Or even better. Choose yourself. You be that spokesperson for being a mom. I want to hear what you have to say.

Lordy, Lordy! Look Who's 40!

2011-09-07T08:16:00.003-07:00

Hello my lovely friends!! Today is my BIRTHDAY!!

I love my birthday. I have the best birthstone and seven is a lucky number and it's that perfect time between summer and fall. (Even though it is still a hundred thousand degrees here in the good ol' AZ.)(Totally NOT exaggerating. At all.) But I have the best birthday ever!

And not to brag about my awesomeness or anything (HA! Who are we kidding??), but I have already had birthday wishes today from all over the world. LITERALLY. Starting with my favorite New Zealand twins, Hayley and Marie!! Then my friend Todd in Africa. And the Gotham Girl wished me a happy day from India! Dudes, I've gone global.

I came in to work this morning with my desk decorated in glittery shoe shaped confetti. It is straight up bad ass. My team made me a big sign with lots of sweet messages. My friend Danielle brought me a delicious coffee cake and some candy. I told everyone the coffee cake was gross so I didn't have to share. But they were on to me and ate it anyway. It was so yummy! Tonight my MIL is making me dinner and my favorite pineapple cake. My parents took us to lunch on Sunday and I had my big birthday party last weekend. We've been celebrating forever!

So mother nature gave me a great big giant zit on the side of my nose for my birthday (it seriously looks like my nose is growing a nose of its very own). She was all "Hey April, you're feeling a little too good about turning 40. So here you go. Up yours."

She's such a bitch.

But I'm not going to let it get me down, no sirree. Because I am excited to be 40. I have worked hard for every year under my belt and 40 is going to be awesome. I couldn't give a frogs fat one about age. You can't stop a speeding train, my friends. You can just hang on and enjoy the scenery flying by.

And I have made some decisions. Big ones. Now that I am 40 I feel like a grown up. So here's the new 40 year old April:

I am going to learn to say no. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to. And I may or may not give a reason why or why not.

If I don't feel the need to explain myself, I won't.

If you are in my life, it's because I value you as a person and I want you here. For the first time in my entire life, I feel like I have enough friends and I'm okay with it if you don't want to be one. I don't have to be liked by everyone. And even better? I don't have to like everyone! Ohmygod the freedom this realization gives you is the most amazing feeling ever!!!

I'm not playing junior high games anymore. No matter how many times you try to get me to. I am going to be real and honest in my relationships. If you piss me off, I'm telling you. If I don't agree with you, I'm telling you. If you ask my opinion, you are getting it. If I think my responses will hurt your feelings, I will warn you. I have no interest in hurting people. But I am not going to be fake. I despise that in people. I will respect you so much more if you are honest with me than if you are nice to my face and evil behind my back. We can be friendly, but we don't have to be friends.

I am not judging people anymore. If your life works for you, more power to you. Who the heck am I to say any different? And I won't stand for you judging other people around me. I don't want to be surrounded by negativity and bad vibes and stupid teenage girl stuff. Let's be grown ups. Let's support each other. Let's just be nice.

Life is too short for all that stuff. So that's my new motto. Just be nice. Do nice. Play nice. But not fake nice. Okay?

All right you crazy kids! Thank you for celebrating my special day with me! Now go give someone a hug and eat a piece of cake today!

And WOW! I just realized this was my 400th post!! Happy day indeed!

Fantasies and Surprises

2011-08-30T10:46:00.005-07:00

So last Monday, Uberman drops the bomb that he has graciously volunteered our house for his annual fantasy football draft. He gave me 5 days notice that our house would be invaded by 12 guys who take sports way too seriously. Of course I went into full on party planning mode. What kind of food should he serve? Should I go get cute football plates and napkins? Would the guys enjoy a plate of brownies and rice crispy treats?

And normally, Ubes just shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't care. But this time was different. His biggest concern was having enough tables for the guys to sit at during the draft.

Huh?

Why can't they just sit on the couch and the floor like always? But he explained they needed to spread out and some of them would have computers and a bunch of papers and blah blah blah... "Can you call my mom and see if we can borrow her card tables?"

I didn't get it. Why do twelve guys need five tables plus our kitchen table? And where was he going to put all those tables? I went through the whole week wondering what the heck was up with all the tables. I complained non stop about it. To my Ubes. To my MIL. To my friends. I couldn't understand why these guys couldn't just squeeze in. I even tried to talk him into telling everyone to go to a pizza place instead. No dice.

Saturday morning I got up and made sure the house was clean. Clean enough for a bunch of guys anyway. I made some dip and set out serving bowls for chips. I set out cups and paper plates and napkins and some two liters of coke. And then I got the hell out of there for a few hours. I went to my MIL's house to hang out and do my laundry. (Oh, did I tell you my dryer broke? Yeah. So not cool. I mean it is 17 years old, but still.)

Around 5:00, Junior said he was ready to go home so I told him to text his father to make sure the coast was clear. It was. So off we went back home, leaving Mac and Boo behind to spend the night with Granny.

When we came down our street, it was filled with cars. "Someone's having a party," Junior said. There were still cars in my driveway, which I recognized as friends from the fantasy draft. "Bummer," I said to Junior. "I was hoping they would be gone so we could go get some Mexican food. Mama needs ~~a margarita~~ some chips and salsa!"

And then I opened the door and walked in to my 40th Birthday Surprise Party.

I was in shock. And so touched that all of my favorite people were standing in front of me screaming "SURPRISE!!" My amazing husband went to so much trouble, making sure to invite everyone who mattered most to me. I'm till so blown away that he pulled it off. He enlisted the help of my good friends Brooke, Erin and Jovina, who took care of the yummy food and adorable decorations (y'all should see the banner Jovina made me from paint chips. The chick is unbelievable) and the most amazing cake you have ever seen.

Get it? It's my beloved watch!! Isn't it FABULOUS!!! I didn't want anyone to eat it because it was so pretty.

All in all, it was a perfect night. I missed those who could not come, but I was so beyond touched by all of the people who were there, and all of the thoughtful, beautiful gifts I received. I really do feel like I am one of the luckiest people in the world to have such amazing people in my life.

I am so excited about being 40. And so thankful for everyone who is sharing this time with me.

The Dream Boy

2011-08-18T10:54:00.004-07:00

My mom comes from a large family. She has 5 sisters and 3 brothers. (It gets cold in Utah in the winters, people. Wink wink.) My aunties have always been a huge part of my life. All of them are strong willed, hilarious and crazy, just like their mother and her sisters, and my great grandmother, and her mother and sisters, and so on and so on.

My mom's oldest sister, Nellie, is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She can do anything. I mean anything. She is feisty and competitive and loud and funny and has really high expectations of people. Basically I am just like her.

So of course she is married to a man who is wise, quiet, patient and incredibly appreciative of his strong, crazy wife. Basically he is just like Ubes.

My uncle Milford was voted the Dream Boy of his high school in 1949. I found this out when I stayed with them a few years ago and I went through his scrapbook. It tickled me pink to see the old black and white pictures of the high school basketball star standing in the middle of 5 or 6 girls staring at him so adoringly. It was straight out of Leave it to Beaver.

Milford is one of the kindest men I ever met. Once, when they were visiting us, as they did every winter until a few years ago, I watched him give up his seat on a bench at the mall. He was still recovering from a stroke he had only a few months before. He was sitting on the bench waiting for Nellie to come out of a department store, something he spent a lot of time doing, I'm sure. A woman stood by with her cane, she was not much older than he, and he stood, heavily leaning on the arm support of the bench so he could pull himself out of the seat, and offered the bench to her. This man, who could barely stand himself. I'll never forget that.

He graciously lived his life for everyone around him. It was so important to make everyone else comfortable and happy. He was a genuinely nice guy. You know those guys? The ones who are just so nice and kind and you are always so surprised when you meet them? He just found so much happiness in bringing joy to others.

We lost Milford to cancer last week. His final act of selflessness was donating his body to science. Aunt Nellie was hesitant when he told her his wishes. His response?

"I would not be alive now if it were not for the people who had done this before me. And with your heart valve replacements, neither would you."

I am so honored that I had him in my life for so long. So happy that my boys got to spend time with him and could be influenced by his spirit and generosity. And so thankful that my Aunt Nellie had such an amazing man who took such good care of her.

His obituary said: "In lieu of flowers, please just do something nice for someone today."

So I challenge you, think of all the kind people you have loved and lost. And in their memory, just do something nice for someone today.

Farewell Dream Boy, you are missed.

I'm still here. And I haven't given up.

2011-08-09T10:37:00.002-07:00

Things have been super interesting around these parts. I have been busy helping Uberman with our newest adventure.

Yes. We are that crazy. Take a look at the site and let me know your thoughts. We are uber excited. And please like us on Facebook and Follow us on Twitter and all that jazz.

Lots of change in the works for us. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. Isn't that how you feel while you're standing in line for a roller coaster? Excited, yet scared and nervous? That's me. Right now. I have butterflies in my stomach constantly. And I can't sleep.

But it's all good. I am just so excited about the future right now. And I am so hoping you guys will be part of it. There will be a few more announcements coming up and we will be begging you to get involved. But it's gonna be fun, I promise.

I just re-read this and realized I used the word excited about a billion times. I am too exhausted to break out the thesaurus so I hope you guys will forgive me.

I'll be posting more, too. Ubes is setting up another blog for me that will be devoted to setting up the brewery. I'll link it when it's up and running. Fun times, am I right?? In the mean time though, later this week I'll post about helicopter mom, my appalling experience at the movies this weekend and how the power of social media got that fixed, and maybe, just maybe, I will finish the post I started a million months ago about overrated/underrated actors.

But I miss you. That has to count for something.

Chris' Meme Part II

2011-07-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

Here are the last 25 questions:

26. Do you like someone?
I like lots of people. I also dislike lots of people.

27. The last song you listened to?
"No You Girls" by Franz Ferdinand

28. What time of day were you born?
8:00 am-ish

29. What’s your favorite number?
24

30. Where did you live in 1987?
Mesa, Arizona.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Jealous? No. Envious in an admirable way? Yes.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Yes. Is it conceited if I say yes? Really, I am only being honest. There are a few people I know who demonstrate behaviors that lead me to believe they are jealous. And not envious in an admirable way.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was getting ready to take Ubes to work. I can't remember why we were down a car that day. But we sat in our bedroom on the edge of our bed watching it. And then we listened to the Howard Stern on the radio on the way to his office and could not believe what we were hearing. It was like something out of a movie. I still get that heaviness in my chest when I think about it.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I get pissed. But you know what is worse? Putting your money in, hitting the Diet Pepsi button, and getting a Sierra Mist instead. I swear that vending machine guy at work was messing with me. (Don't panic. This happened months ago. I have been clean and sober from all soda for 22 days.)

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes. But I can be very unkind if provoked. I am not proud of that.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
On the top of my foot.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish would sure be handy around these parts, but I love the sound of French.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes. I would love to live somewhere else. I keep begging Ubes but he is not as adventurous as I. Someday, when our babies are grown, we will live somewhere else for a year.

39. Are you touchy feely?
Yes. I'm a hugger. And I'll touch your arm when we talk. And if I really love you, I'll slap your ass when I walk by you. I'm sure I annoy the hell out of people. But I think physical contact is important.

40. What’s your life motto?
All you need is Faith, Trust and a little Pixie Dust

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
My phone, chapstick and gum

42. What’s your favourite town/city?
London. I love London. I am dying to go back.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Coffee this morning

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
I write thank you cards a lot. So maybe a few months ago?

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No, but I'm super awesome at pulling my car into the service bay at Jiffy Lube. I'm also good at talking them down on the price and giving me a discount. No joke. Ubes thinks I am a genius.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
I'm married to him so I have first hand knowledge of his antics all the time.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
My great grandparents were Native American and lived on a reservation. My great grandmother traded her husband's two best hunting dogs for a silver spoon in the shape of sea shell because she thought it was pretty. When I was little, that silver spoon was always in the sugar bowl at my grandma's house. I loved the story about it because it seemed totally reasonable to me. Now it sits on top of my Longaberger recipe basket and I look at it every day. Sometimes I pick it up and hold it for a while, and sometimes I'll walk around with it in my pocket while I'm cleaning. It just reminds me that I came from a long line of strong women who like pretty things.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
What counts as fancy? I dressed up for a wedding almost two years ago. That was probably the last time I wore pantyhose. But I wore glittery eyeliner at Hunko Drunko Bunco this year, so there's that.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Yes. My head hurts a lot lately. I think it's the diet and lack of caffeine.

50. Have you been burned by love?
No. I've only been in love once and I am still in love with him. Have I had my heart broken by a silly boy or two prior to that? Yes. But not broken beyond repair. Now, ask me if I have been burned by friendships and we could be here all night.

Thank God for Chris and his Memes because I have no inspiration lately.... Part I

2011-07-18T12:24:00.006-07:00

25 of 50 Random questions....

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Shit. I forgot to color my hair yesterday.

2. How much cash do you have on you? Seven bucks. I'm the mother of three kids who constantly need money for something. So $7 makes me rich.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Whore. Oh come on. You knew I would go there.

4. Favorite planet? Wow this is a tough one. Mercury always seemed like it had some balls, just because it's so small yet brave enough to be right out there in front. And Pluto is the underdog. Not even a planet anymore so how can you not feel sorry for it. And Saturn and those awesome rings... I don't know... Maybe Neptune because it's so pretty? Jeez. You're talking to a girl who asked for a telescope when she was 9 and is still pissed because she never got to go to Space Camp. You can't expect me to pick just one.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Boo's friend Katie. Probably calling to talk about the latest episode of Victorious.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? I have no idea. I never have my ringer on, Ever. It irritates the hell out of Uberman because I hardly ever answer my phone.

7. What shirt are you wearing? What makes you assume I am even wearing a shirt?

8. Do you label yourself? No. At least I don't think so. I don't think I fit in one category of anything. So . . . no.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? Not wearing shoes right now, but earlier I was wearing Dollhouse.

10. Bright or Dark Room? It depends on what we are doing.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I think he is HILARIOUS.

12. What does your watch look like? Like an accessory of awesomeness. It's a white Toy Watch with crystal bezel.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Tossing, turning and wishing I had not had that last glass of iced tea.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? From Ubes: Don't forget to call Penny and look for a groomer for the pups. I know, right. Don't hate me because my life is so freakin' glamorous.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? Dude, I have no idea. I haven't seen a 7/11 in years. My nearest Circle K is about two miles south and the nearest QT is about 5 miles south east. But damn if this question doesn't make me crave a Slurpee.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Asshole. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My middle child, Mac. He is sick today and has needed lots of hugs.

18. Last furry thing you touched? A gross strawberry at the bottom of the container. Blech.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? I took tylenol yesterday because I had a bitch of headache. But that's it.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? Who is developing rolls of film anymore?

21. Favorite age you have been so far? I think every year gets better, so I have liked all of them.

22. Your worst enemy? Oh wow, this is a loaded question. Honestly, my worst enemy is myself. There is no one more unkind to me than me. But I do have a nemesis or two... Remind me to tell you the story of Helicopter Mom. She's a real bitch.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Well, I'm not fancy so I just have that default rolling green hill that looks like the place where the Teletubbies lived. I should change it, but I'm lazy.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Jovina, will you please call me? I need to know where you get your dog groomed."

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? A million bucks. I don't think I really want the ability to fly. It would mess up my hair too much.

I've been eating so much chicken lately I actually started clucking...

2011-07-05T19:34:00.004-07:00

So Day 9 without Diet Coke. Can I get a hell yeah?? And even better? I don't really miss it. I am totally okay without it. Yes, I have been consuming a whole lot of iced green tea, but that is GOOD for you. Dr. Oz says so. And I believe EVERYTHING Dr. Oz says.

So I neglected to tell you all that I gave up SUGAR and CARBS at the same time. I know, right? What kind of crack was I smoking? And let's be honest, I totally wanted to take up smoking crack just to take the edge off. Are people even still smoking crack? Is that like, totally 1995? Did I just date myself? Whatever, it's hard to keep up man. Besides, I don't think I know anyone who openly does drugs. Unless you count all those moms at my kids' school who steal their kids' Ritalin. Oh what I wouldn't give for a child with ADHD.

Sigh.

But I digress. So I have been doing really well so far. I have not had the shakes and I haven't killed or harmed anyone. I know, right? Go me! But I did cheat a little on Sunday. Because ohmygod you guys, sometimes a girl just needs a red chili beef burrito, you know? And some chips and salsa. And maybe a beer. Just a ~~large~~ little one. (But it was happy hour and the large was TOTALLY a better deal.)(And how awesome is it that this restaurant has happy hour on a SUNDAY??)

And you know what? It was worth every calorie. Because the next day I felt rejuvenated and ready to get back on board with the no sugar-no carb-no diet coke-no fun diet. Because you know what is really no fun?

Heart disease.

Diabetes.

High blood pressure.

Cottage cheese dimples in your thighs.

Being uncomfortable wearing sleeveless shirts because you're afraid if someone is unfortunate enough to be standing next to you while you reach for something you will totally knock them out with your enormous lunch lady arms.

That is no fun at all.

Look out your window. You might see a flying pig.

2011-06-28T08:30:00.001-07:00

So, I hit a wall with the weight loss.

Actually, I am totally lying. I jumped off the weight loss wagon. I feel the need to be honest since I have been watching a whole lot of Celebrity Rehab lately.

(Totally off the subject but OHMYGOD isn't it wonderful to know that no matter what there is always someone crazier than you are out there? Am I right? Hell to the yeah.)

So anyhoosies, where was I again?? Oh yeah, weight loss.

Oy vay. I have struggled with weight since I was about eight years old. Since then, I can not think of a time in my life where I have not been thinking about how much I weighed or how I looked in my clothes. How sad is that? Even more sad, I don't think I know anyone, especially a girl, who is not thinking of her weight most of the time. Sick. Sick, sick, sick.

Today I have started a new approach to Fat Camp. I'm old. My metabolism is not as cooperative as it used to be. I need to buckle down and push myself. I would love to not be thinking of my weight most of the time. I would love to be comfortable with what I weigh and how my stomach looks while I am in a seated position. Will I ever get to this level of comfort? I don't know. Are any of you at this level? Anyone??

So I am making a huge sacrifice to the Fat Gods. Are you guys ready for this? Are you sitting down? Are you holding on to something secure so you are not BLOWN away by this announcement?

Ready??

I have given up Diet Coke.

I'll give you guys a minute to let that sink in.

I know, right?? This is HUGE. (That's what she said.) Now keep in mind, today is just day two of no Diet Coke. And it is only 8:30 in the morning. But one day at a time, am I right my friends? My goal is to give it up for at least a week. And then if I make it through the week without killing anyone, I'll go another week. And so on and so forth. I've also given up my beloved vanilla coffee. I'm doing plain coffee with skim milk. Blech. But I need the caffeine. And I am drinking a lot of this flavorless, clear liquid called "water." Have you guys heard of it? It's okay. Not a huge fan, but I can deal with it. Because I am not a quitter.

I mean, other than jumping off the Fat Camp wagon. But I am back on, so give me a break, okay? Sheesh.

Wish me luck. And pray for those near and dear to me. I'm actually a little scared for them.

I am pretty sure you know who you are...

2011-06-21T21:15:00.001-07:00

People seriously piss me off. I mean I would never call myself laid back. Or easy going. And sometimes I have a difficult time accepting people for who they are. Because I can't relate to stupid. Or lazy. Or entitled. I have been accused of being pretty black and white. And yes, sometimes that is true.

But lately it seems I have had numerous run ins with people who just want to mess with my mojo and ruin my joviality. You are one of these people if you....

Drive around for 20 minutes looking for a closer parking space. Just park your effing car.

Tell me to relax when I'm upset. You are not the boss of me. Shut up and keep your opinions to yourself.

Ask me if my handbag is fake.

Stand in line at the grocery store with six or seven exhausted people behind you and wait until the cashier gives you your total before you decide if you are going to write a check or use that nifty little debit machine right in front of your stupid ugly face.

Walk into a practically empty bathroom at work and conveniently select the stall next to mine, even though there are 12 empty stalls around us, and begin making your loud obnoxious morning number two.

Are passive aggressive. I don't care if you are a family member, co-worker, friend or acquaintance. SPEAK YOUR MIND. Be honest about your thoughts and opinions. Let me know where I stand. Stop being an asshole.

Act like a hypocrite. Expect the same thing from yourself that you expect from others. Open your eyes. See your imperfections. Be tolerant. Because believe me, a lot of people are BARELY tolerating you and your array of bullshit.

Talk to me in a condescending tone. Who died and made you king of the world? What makes you a better person than I am? You are a total asshole. I'm a way better person. But I still don't look down on you. I just think you can't help yourself. Sometimes people get passed the asshole gene. They can't control it. It's not your fault. All you can do is try to be less of an asshole. Good luck.

I know right? WOW. Some times you just have to say what's on your mind.

PS. Obviously I am loving the word "asshole" these days.

I'm walking on Sunshine, Whoa Oh!

2011-06-17T05:00:00.001-07:00

My friend Chris at From a Whisper to a Scream was kind enough to think I am worthy of this award, which is just about as sweet as you can get. I always say I can't believe people actually stop by to read my endless ramblings, but oh well. I mean I did read three and a half of the Twilight books so who the heck am I to judge what other people read, right?

So here are the rules of this award, and we all know how I am a rule follower when it suits my needs.....

1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them.

2. Tell us something about yourself.

3. Nominate 10 other bloggers.

4. Let them know that you awarded them!

THANK YOU CHRIS!!! I enjoy the way you write, I enjoy the way you view the world and I enjoy that you are a Yankee fan. I look forward to having a beer with you in person some day!

So now I have to tell you something about myself. And it's usually hard to come up with something totally new that I have not already talked about, because let's face it, I am not that interesting. But there is something I have recently discovered. Are you ready?? Okay, here goes....

I am pretty sure I am psychic.

Yes. I know that is a lot to take in. But hear me out.

Ubes has this friend from Germany. We'll call him Gunther. Gunther owned a business here in Arizona. He was studying for his citizenship test. He paid taxes. He contributed to the community. But he was stupid and let his work visa lapse. So a several months ago he was deported. We had not heard from him in months. Sunday night, I had a dream about him. I dreamed he was trying to get a hold of Ubes, wanted Ubes to write a letter on his behalf to help him get back to the USA. Monday while I was at work, Ubes sent me an email saying he just got a Facebook friend request from Gunther. I was all, "WHOA. That is weird." And then Ubes says "He asked if I would write a letter to help him get back to the US." And my mind was officially BLOWN.

I am not doing private readings or anything yet, still waiting to get a handle on my gift. I'll let you know how it goes.

Now for my nominations.....

I gotta start with my girl Sue. Sue is my soul sister. I love her and her many adventures! Thank you Sue!! Thanks for making me smile!!

Chandra - My real life buddy, fellow new beer lover and working mom. You are a doll! I heart you!

Dried on Milk - Stacia tells it like it is. She just had her second gorgeous baby. Go say hi, I am sure she would appreciate you stopping by.

Travis - Who will think this award is super lame but that makes it funnier to nominate him (You don't have to nominate anyone, Buddy. All the eye rolling you are doing right now is gift enough for me.)

Dutch Mac - An American girl married to a Brit boy, raising babies in the Netherlands. What's not to love about that?

Bogart - One of the first blogs I ever read. He had just moved across the country to be with the love of his life. Now they are married. And they just had a baby. It will fill your heart with joy.

And last but certainly not least, Raia, my BFF for almost 20 years - Raia is going through a lot of MAJOR changes in her life. Show her some love. She deserves it.

And there you have it. I know right, three posts in one week??? Can you handle the awesomeness?? My psychic ability says YES! You can!!

Have a fabulous weekend Party People!!

I should have danced all night...

2011-06-15T09:25:00.002-07:00

Being a parent can suck. No one tells you that. They tell you that it's hard and that you don't get a lot of sleep. They tell you that you will worry a lot and that the kid will bleed you dry emotionally and financially. But they don't tell you that one day you will be so mad at that kid you will want to kick him out of your car and make him walk the four miles home.

So yesterday after work, I picked the kids up from my MIL's and began the drive home. I had two quick errands to run, but Boo fell asleep in the car and I didn't feel like waking her up a million times to get in and out of the car so I decided just to go home. But I needed french bread for the spaghetti I was making for dinner. Ubes had agreed to run my two errands on his way home from work but I was pushing my luck by adding a third stop for him. So I turned to Junior.

"Junior, I have to stop at the store for a loaf of French bread. Will you run in for me and get it so I don't have to wake your sister and make everyone get out of the car?"

He was sitting in the front seat next to me, concentrating on his video game. He was quiet for a second and then, without looking at me, said matter of factly, "No."

"No?" I stared at him in disbelief. "You won't run into the store for me for bread?"

He shook his head, still looking at his game. "No," he said.

I sat there, in the parking space, in shock. This is the kid who is always so helpful. The one who unloads the dishwasher if he notices the dishes are clean. The one who takes out the trash without being told. This is the responsible kid. The one I rely on for so much.

"Why?" I asked. "Why wouldn't you do that for me? Your sister is sleeping, I don't want to drag everyone out of the car for a loaf of bread."

"We can stay in the car," he said.

"No, you can't," I told him. "I'm not leaving you in a hot car with your brother and sister while I run in for bread." (Remind me to tell you about my friend who ran into the drug store for 2 minutes, leaving her teenager in the car with a sleeping baby and had the police show up at her house an hour later.) "Why won't you go get the bread for me?"

"Because I don't want to," he said.

My mouth dropped open.

Now I get it. I have never asked him to run into the store for me by himself before. He's gone into Circle K or QT while I am sitting out front watching from the car, but never a grocery store where I can't see him. He's a cautious first born child who needs to feel comfortable in his surroundings.

But still. How is he going to learn if I don't ask him to do this stuff?? RIGHT?? And he is almost 14 for crying out loud.

"Why don't you want to?" I asked

"Because what if people stare at me and ask me questions?" he said, finally putting the damn game down.

"Junior. I'm asking you to get bread, not beer. No one is going to ask you anything."

"I don't want to do it Mom. Don't make me."

I could feel the blood boiling under my collar bone. I was so angry with him I couldn't even think straight. I got everyone out of the car and went into the store and bought a loaf of bread. And then I got everyone back in the car and started driving home, my knuckles gripping the steering wheel and my teeth clenched. I should have made him get out of the car and go into the store. I was just too shocked and too hurt to think straight. I turned and looked at him. He was back to playing his game, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth while he concentrated.

I reached over and grabbed the game out of his hands, tossing it on the floor of the back seat with my purse. He stared back at me in surprise.

"I can't believe you wouldn't do that for me Junior. I can't believe you wouldn't go into the store for me. I am so hurt and disappointed right now."

"I just didn't want to do it," he said.

"Well you know what Junior? I do stuff I don't want to do every day. I don't want to cook dinner every night because I am tired, but I do it because we have to eat. I don't want to get up at 4:30 in the morning and go to work, but I do it so I can buy you and your brother and your sister clothes and shoes and video games. I don't want to wash your clothes, but I do it because you need to have clean stuff to wear. I don't want to take you to your friend's house because I am tired and I have worked all day, but I do it because I want you to have fun. So the next time you need me to do something for you, you remember this moment. Because you did not make the right choice."

"So what are you saying," he asked. "The next time I need something you won't do it?"

"Nope," I told him.

"Okay, fine." He crossed his arms and shook his head.

And you know what you guys?? It was everything I could do not to pull the car over at that minute, fling his door open, and shove him out with my feet. And If we had not been 4 miles from home in the heat with no water, I may have done it. I don't know. All I know is that I have never been so mad at that kid in his life.

I wasn't this mad when he was two and placed a golf ball on his plastic baseball tee and launched it through my living room window.

I wasn't this mad when he was three and pushed his 5 month old brother off the couch.

I wasn't this mad when he was six and dropped a red PERMANENT magic marker on my off-white carpet. (Hey shut up. We built the house prior to kids and had no idea off-white carpet would turn out to be the nightmare it actually was.)

I wasn't this mad when he, my straight A, Honor Roll, National Junior Honor Society member, brought home his report card with a D in math a year ago.

And I wasn't this mad when he hid that report card from me for a week and told my MIL it was because he was afraid I was going to "beat" him.

He is so rarely disrespectful. So rarely disagreeable. So rarely difficult. And I know this may be only the beginning. And I think that's what I'm afraid of. How do you successfully raise a teenager without killing him?

And I know I have to pick my battles. So maybe that's why I didn't throw a five dollar bill at him and tell him to get his ass out of the car and into the store. But what put me over the edge was his defiance. The "okay fine" and arms crossing thing. I wanted to grab a handful of his curly hair and rip it out by the root.

Is that weird for a mom to feel that way? Because some animals eat their young, you know.

And I am not looking for parenting advice, okay. I am just ranting here. I know what I should have done. And maybe I'm over reacting just a little. I mean it was a loaf of bread for crap sake. But I am still really pissed at the kid. And I want an apology. And I am also really tempted to take him to the drug store and force him to buy me a box of tampons just to teach him a lesson.

But I won't. Because I'm not a monster. But oh, how tempting.

Every day is an adventure with April

2011-06-14T07:21:00.004-07:00

I don't write about work a whole lot anymore. I rarely have the kind of interactions with people that I had at the bank. If I interact with customers now, it's usually over the phone. I have the most boring job in the world. Lucky for me, there's a few thousand people in this building to give me fun stuff to share with you guys.

So..... A few weeks ago I was walking to the ladies room. The ladies room is kind of far from my desk, down a long aisle between cube walls and real walls. It's a straight shot. So as I walked toward the bathroom, I saw a woman exit. She was wearing a light, fluttery skirt, probably around knee length. Perfect for summer. And just as I was admiring that adorable skirt from afar, the owner of the skirt turned her back to me and began walking away from the bathroom.

And to my sheer horror, I realized her skirt was tucked into her panties. Her thong panties. And her entire ass was exposed to God and everybody. I started walking faster, hoping to catch her. But you guys, she was like 6 cubicle aisles away from me. Way too far to holler out "Excuse me, your ass is showing." And I didn't know this woman. I didn't want to humiliate her. But OHMYGOD how do you not suddenly feel like things are a little breezy back there??? I mean really. So after about 8 steps I gave up, she was too far for me to catch up to. You're on your own sweetie. No one can save you now. You should have been more careful and looked in the mirror before leaving the bathroom.

It was a pretty nice ass though. Not gonna lie. Smooth, no ripples. She obviously did a lot of whatever it is you do to make your butt look really round. If I had her ass, I'd have my skirt tucked into my panties "accidentally" all the time. Just sayin'.

Last week I was speaking to a customer on the phone. He sounded like a surfer dude. I totally thought I was talking to Crush from Finding Nemo. Shah. So at the end of the conversation, he says to me "You sound really pretty by the way."

Really? You're hitting on me over the phone, dude? So I replied, "Ummmm, thanks?" And then I moved on trying to keep him focused on business. But the dude wouldn't let it go.

"Where are you located?" he asked.

"Phoenix," I replied.

"Oh you should totally come visit me in Venice Beach," he said.

"Really?" I asked. "Can I bring my husband, my three kids and my stretch marks?"

The flirting stopped there.

The other morning, I was in the cafeteria getting some coffee. A woman walked up to the guy at the grill, held up one of the little menu/order forms and this is the conversation that ensued:

She: Excuse me?
He: Yeah?
She: When you say "croissant sandwich," what does that mean?
He: (blink blink)
She: I mean, does it come on a croissant?
He: (blink blink) Uuuuummmm, yes. It comes on a croissant.
She (obviously disappointed): Oh.
He: (still blinking)
She: Well, can I get it on something other than a croissant?
He: Yes. But then it's not a croissant sandwich.
She: Oh. You're right. I never thought of it that way.
He: (Eyes wide, staring)
She: Hmmmm. Okay, never mind. (Huge sigh)
He (looking at me): Did that really just happen?
Me: Yes it did.
He (shaking head): Unbelievable.
Me: I'm really happy you shared this moment with me.
He (laughing): Yeah, me too.

So there you go. A take your reader to work day, courtesy of yours truly. No need to thank me. This is what I do for you. I keep my eyes open, constantly looking for new stuff to entertain you. You are welcome.

More stuff you probably didn't know about me but is further proof I am a weirdo...

2011-06-08T19:58:00.003-07:00

I like to eat Red Vines at the movies. Only I just don't eat my Red Vines like a normal person, I tie the end in a knot and bite it off, and then tie the remaining piece in second knot and eat that. And I have done it that way for so long, I don't even realize I am doing it. But I can't eat licorice without tying it in a knot. Life would be so much easier if they sold the Red Vine in a knot form.

I hate wasting stuff. If I buy something, like a new brand of toothpast or lotion, and I hate it, I will continue to use it until it's gone because I don't want to waste it. I think that's why I tend to be pretty brand loyal about stuff. If I try something new, it's a big deal.

I'm anal about the recycling. No really. If I see something in the recycle that doesn't belong, I freak out. My kids are notorious for putting paper plates in the recycle. They don't get it. "It's paper," they say with a confused look on their face. Oy vay. And vice versa with seeing something in the trash that can be recycled. I freak. Like that one bottle in the trash is going to make a difference. But who knows. Maybe it would.

I feel uncomfortable when I am out in public without earrings or painted toenails. Yet I have no issues with not wearing make up.

I will never ever ever drink a non-diet soda. Because I am 100% convinced it will cause me to gain 10 pounds. I have no issues with eating pizza, chocolate, or just about anything that has been deep fried.

I don't like Hershey's kisses. Unwrapping them is too much work.

My feelings get hurt when someone stops following me on Twitter.

Whenever I take napkins from a dispenser in a restaurant, I grab as many as I can. I'll take a giant stack 2 inches thick. I don't know why. It might be the mom in me. But I don't throw them away if I don't use them. I have lots in my car and the entire top drawer of my desk is full of napkins. I'm a napkin hoarder. But I'm also an anal recycler (which sounds a lot weirder than I thought it would) so it makes it okay.

Cowboy

2011-06-06T18:55:00.003-07:00

According to my stats this year, I have only posted 21 times. That is pathetic. Puh-thet-ic. Part of the problem is my computer was down forever and I hate posting on my netbook because I hit the mouse square thingy with my thumb and it just effs everything up and I have to start whole paragraphs over and then I'm in a pissy mood and it spoils what I was writing about. Is that even more pathetic?

The other part of the problem is I have been so busy. And I am just trying to do more things with my kids and spend less time on the computer, you know. They are growing up so fast and I feel like it's passing me by.

And the other part of the problem is sometimes I am just tired. Tired of talking about something or tired of thinking about stuff. Or just sick and tired. You know? I should have stayed anonymous. How many times have I said that???

But one of the things I really want to say is thank you. So many of you reached out to me after my last post just to be kind, and I was really touched. So thank you for being so thoughtful. It means more than I can express.

I don't really want to get into all the details, but basically I found out why my brother was trying to reach me. His father died. And even though he was not my father, he was an incredibly huge part of my life and he always treated me like I was his own daughter. So I was sad and shocked and broken hearted.

He was a special man. A tall and handsome cowboy whose eyes crinkled in the corners when he laughed or smiled. He taught me to ride a horse and to two step and to make sun tea. He put me in ballet when I was seven because he was too worried I would be a tomboy since I was spending all my free time on the horses and trying to learn how to spit. He wanted me to be a lady.

Yet he didn't allow me to be afraid when I fell off my horse. I can still hear his deep voice. "You have 5 minutes to cry and then get back up there." I have carried these words with me my entire life. They apply to everything I do.

So as of right now, my brother and I are talking. Well, texting really. I'm taking it slow. He's sad and lonely and in my heart I don't think it's right to turn him away. Yet I've got both eyes wide open and I'm not being stupid. We'll see how it goes. His fiance seems nice. She's very pretty and is very kind and supportive of him. That makes me happy. And yes, I feel like an asshole that I was so skeptical in the beginning. We'll see what happens from here.

Regardless, I am thankful for my amazing girlfriends, who listened to me and let me cry and supported me. And to all my blog buddies who make me smile and laugh.

And to my amazing husband. Who is so incredibly supportive and sweet. And after this many years of putting up with my craziness, he knows when to talk and when to listen, and most importantly, when to make a joke and fill my heart with joy.

I'm a lucky girl.

Ten on Tuesday. Even though it's Wednesday. Just go with it.

2011-05-25T11:43:00.007-07:00

Borrowed from here.

There's some pretty heavy stuff going on around these parts. And I want to write about it because some times it's the only way I can process something. But I am not sure I can write about this because it doesn't just involve me. It's painful and complicated and confusing. And I'm struggling with a heavy heart right now. And I don't write a whole lot of the heavy stuff. But I just don't know if I can get through this without telling the story... So let's put it on the shelf for now and talk about some mindless nothings. Okay? Sound good? Are we cool??

Here we go....

Have you ever used Craig's List? I have looked at Craig's List for various items. And back when I worked for the He-Boss and She-Boss I used Craig's List to find tenants for their rental properties. But personally? I have never bought or sold anything on Craig's List. Ubes, on the other hand, is king of Craig's List.

Can you sew? Yes. A little. I can make really amazing baby things. And I can follow a pattern sort of, if it's easy. But I am too scared to hem anything and I probably couldn't do anything seriously complicated. But this is something I want to explore in the future. I would love to retake Home Ec. Or at least take a class of some kind. It's on my Bucket List.

Do you pour syrup on pancakes or dip pancakes in the syrup? Pour. Generously. And FYI, I eat my pancakes with peanut butter. Because it's delicious. Hey, don't yuck someone else's yum. (You can thank Katie for that piece of advice.)

Rain storms, love them or hate them? Love, love, LOVE THEM. Maybe because we don't get enough of them here in the desert? Or maybe because when we do get them, they are AMAZING. And kinda scary. But still, I love the rain and I love a gray day!

Do you like swimming? I do! My kids are fish too, so I love hanging out in the pool with them. Looking forward to that this summer fo sho.

What kind of drink do you order at Sonic? Um, duh. Diet Coke with vanilla. And I am still pissed at them for getting rid of their 99 cent drinks all day. I love my Diet Coke with vanilla but I am not willing to pay $2 for it.

Are you funny? I think we all know the answer to this. It is definitely a resounding NO.

At what age will your kids get cell phones? This is a good question. Junior is thirteen and has had a cell phone almost two years. He is responsible. And I love that I can always get a hold of him. So now, we will probably get one for Mac this summer. Mac made it through the whole school year without losing a jacket or a lunch box, this is a HUGE improvement for him. Plus he has had an iPod touch for two years and has never lost that. We'll see how it goes. But now that they are getting older and spending time at friends' houses, I think they should have phones for my piece of mind. Boo will get one in the 5th grade, because both boys will be in high school then and I don't like the idea of her being alone at school. And if you think I am being ridiculous, I will tell you that her friend Stella*, who is also in first grade, has an iPhone. And a Juicy Couture backpack. And a mom who drinks a lot, a dad who is never home, and a standing reservation at a rehab clinic in Tucson. Oh wow. Did I say that out loud?

What's your favorite vegetable? Artichokes. Love them.

Were you a Girl Scout? I was not a Girl Scout. But I was a Brownie. And I got kicked out of Brownies because I refused to wear that ugly uniform. Totally true story. Those people did not understand that I was a spring and would look like death warmed over in autumn colors. Springs do not look good in warm tones, people. That hideous yellow-gold turtle neck made me look like a washed out mess with a bad case of jaundice. And even at the tender of age of 8, I was not willing to compromise my fashion sense for a few cheap gold plated pins and a chance to sell some delicious cookies. No thank you. But let me tell you something. When I take over the world, one day very soon, I will demand that the Girl Scouts update their uniforms. Because OHMYGOD, no young girl should have to suffer bad fashion in order to sit in a circle and sing songs and do some crafts. Who will help me produce the PSA for this???

So yeah. There you have it. Ten on Tuesday. Which is really a Wednesday. And most of you will read this on a Thursday. But my next post is going to be a major bummer. You have been warned.

*not her real name, but it sounds an awful lot like that

So here's what's new...

2011-05-18T10:50:00.003-07:00

Yeah I know, I have missed you too. Let's catch up with a few quick paragraphs, you wanna?

So I have this huge ugly bruise on my arm (I walked into a car mirror)(No I was NOT drinking at the time). It's all bluish greenish purplish yellowish. I know. Super sexy. And it's huge. Make a circle with your middle finger and thumb, like your doing the OK sign but with the wrong finger. Oh just do it, nobody is looking at you. Now separate your middle finger from the tip of your thumb by maybe a half an inch. Yeah. That's how big my bruise is. Yes, I actually measured it using the same method. It's totally scientific to do it that way. I read it in a book. Anyhoo, so I have this bruise. And for some reason, people who notice it immediately want to touch it. Seriously. Everyone who walks by me presses it to see if it hurts or something. So it just keeps getting bluer and greener and purpler. Which I know are really not words but I am in pain so I can say what I want.

My middle child went for a well visit at the pediatrician last week. We go to an office with many doctors so I'll make an appointment with any of them if it means I can get in sooner and at a time convenient for our schedule. So this time we happened to see a girl doctor. Mac didn't have a problem with it . . . at first. But when she told him to drop his pants so she could check for a hernia, his eyes about popped out of his head. I just sat there shaking my head and mouthing that I was sorry. The kid is 11, he has never had that experience before. So yeah, it was a little awkward. After the doctor left the room, Mac reached down and pulled up his pants and said "Well I certainly wasn't expecting THAT." The kid cracks me up.

So remember when I said I wanted to plan a vacation with a bunch of our couple friends? Well it's totally happening. We are going on a cruise in October to Cabo baby!! We're calling it the Cruise of Awesomeness. Actually I think I am the only one calling it that. Because it's gonna be awesome.

Our anniversary is this weekend. Seventeen years. WOW. Guess how we are celebrating? We're going to spend the day at the Arizona Canned Beer Festival. Oh yes my friends, 17 years and the magic is still happening. And I thought we would never top the romance of last year. Yeah that was one hot date. We saw MacGruber. And if you want tips on keeping the passion alive in your marriage, just send me an email. I mean obviously I am an expert.

Peace out my friends!

No. I'm not going down this road.

2011-05-03T12:34:00.006-07:00

I'm ranting today. Just warning you. If you came here for warm and fuzzy, you aren't going to get it. And I swear a little. So if you are offended, just skip it and go read something happy. I won't be offended.

I hate it when people blame their childhood for everything that is wrong in their lives. I mean I get it. Your childhood sucked. So did mine. And his. And hers. And pretty much everyone born after 1960.

Yes, being a kid sucks. Someone else makes all the decisions for you. And sometimes those decisions affect you negatively. Sometimes those decisions cause a chain reaction of negativity and suckiness. Sometimes those decisions cause devastation. Sometimes those decisions leave scars.

But as an adult, only YOU choose how those decisions affect your future. Only YOU choose how to move forward. Only YOU choose what to do with those scars. Do you learn from the mistakes of others? Do you pick yourself up and rise above? Do you let those scars make you stronger? More patient? More compassionate? Do you grow the flip up and take responsibility for your own actions and feelings?

Because your experiences don't define you as a person. They don't dictate how you react to the world around you. They may help direct your path, but that is it. Everything that happens to you, leads you to where you stand right now. But YOU choose who is standing there.

I have no empathy for people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Who refuse to be accountable.

Why am I talking about this?? Well..... Let me tell you....

I have a brother. We were not raised together. We are different. Very different. It was like we were raised on different planets. And the reasons we were not raised together are complicated and not really the point of my rant today.

The point is this, he has carried a huge chip on his shoulder into his adulthood and frankly it got old. I mean I tried, people. I tried. For years and years and years I struggled and pulled and fought to maintain a relationship. I fretted and I worried and I literally made myself sick over him. I wanted so badly to have some resemblance of a functional family relationship with someone. And I just felt he was the natural choice since we shared so much more DNA. I just thought that alone would give us some kind of understanding of one another. Something that would transcend all the bullshit that had been thrown at us. All the obstacles and excuses and decisions that were made for us because we were children and didn't have a say in which path we took at the time. I just thought that even though his path took him one way and mine took me another, we would still share something.

But really, we are strangers. We have nothing in common except blue eyes and freckled noses. And after a while, I got weary. I got tired of the struggle to keep the relationship alive. Because it was always on his terms. And that just wasn't fair.

Because it wasn't my fault. Like him, I didn't choose my life. Like him, I didn't get a choice. And it wasn't easy. My life wasn't any easier or any harder than his. It was just different. Different people, different places, different experiences. Different tragedies and different celebrations. Different.

And I know that's not fair either.

But mine was different because I chose to handle it differently. I chose to rise above. I chose to learn from the mistakes other people around me made. I chose to see the good in my life. To be thankful for the fact that it could have been so much worse.

Regardless of the heartbreak, and the struggles, and the fear, I was fed. I was clothed. I was loved. And he was fed and he was clothed and he was loved.

But I kept moving forward and letting the experiences make me stronger. I can't sit around and boo hoo and woe is me and all that because there is no place for it. If you can't move forward, there is nowhere else to go. And I refuse to sit still. And I refuse to move forward carrying all of your bullshit on my shoulders. I have my own bullshit. It's what reminds me of how I got here and why I should be thankful I made it.

So I stopped trying. I stopped fighting and struggling and worrying and fretting and I just let go of him. And I was totally okay with it. I had peace. And a lot of people who have close families may not understand that. But I am okay with that too. Because my relationship is not yours. My family is not yours. My heart is not yours. My view is not yours. This is what was best for me, and for him, at the time.

I haven't heard from him in 14 years. He has a son I don't know. I have three children he doesn't know. And it's weird, but it's okay.

And then out of the blue, this weekend, I get a Facebook message from some girl. She's engaged to him. She has been looking for me. I tell her that he and I have not been in touch in a while. She responds that he agreed it had been a long time.

And then she provides me with his phone number.

And it all came rushing back. The anger. The confusion. The hurt.

I don't want this. I don't want to get involved. I don't want a brother. I don't want to know this girl he's engaged to. I don't want to get attached to these people. Because I can't go through all of that again.

I'm not calling him. And how dare he use this girl to get in touch with me. She is 21. He is 38. What in the hell is he thinking? I am not doing this.

If he has something to say to me, he needs to be a man and get a hold of me. Because I am not doing this again. Do you see a revolving door in front of me? Because I sure as hell DO NOT.

You are not welcome to come and go as you please. Especially now that I have children who deserve better than that. You don't deserve to know these children. You don't deserve to know me. You owe me an apology. You owe your mother an apology. And you need to grow up. And grow some balls. And see past the enormous amount of bullshit you have been fed your whole life. There are two sides to every story. So stop blaming the entire world because your life was not ideal. I'm sorry you experienced so many of the terrible things you did. But I can't change it. And neither can she. And she tried. OHMYGOD she tried! You don't even know how hard this woman tried for you. You don't even know all the things she did to help you. You have no idea how much she loved you. How hard this has been for her. And you are a parent for God's sake. How can you not understand? How can you not see from her point of view? How can you still be so selfish? You are a grown man. BE ACCOUNTABLE. BE RESPONSIBLE.

Rise above.

And tell your child bride I'm not accepting her friend request either. This isn't the Oprah Winfrey Show. There isn't going to be a heart warming reconcilliation. This is Jerry Springer. And I'm kicking your ass.

7 Day Challenge - Day 7 - 7 things I do everyday

2011-04-19T06:52:00.002-07:00

My life is so packed full with excitement, it's a wonder I haven't been offered my own reality show yet. Here are 7 typical activities for me each day. Don't hate me because your life is not this glamorous.

1. I consume a troublesome amount of Diet Coke. I know! Aspartame is bad for you blah blah blah. But at least it's not heroin so lets all just count our blessings.

2. I spend a troublesome amount of time on my cell phone. I talk to my mom. I text my husband. I text my oldest child. I text my friends. I check my Facebook. I check Twitter. I check emails. But at least it's not heroin so lets all count our blessings.

3. I check the news. Meaning I look up TMZ and People.com.

4. I iron something. Yes. Everyday. I'm one of those wacko moms who won't allow her children out of the house without creases in their sleeves. We iron EVERYTHING.

5. I do at least one load of laundry. Wash and dry. Folding is another story. But if we didn't have these piles of clothes all over the place, where would we sit?

6. I watch TV. I watch iCarly with my daughter. I watch Top Gear with my boys. I watch Baseball with Ubes. I watch various trashy TV shows like Real Housewives of OC and Mob Wives just for fun. I watch travel shows and a whole lot of BBC. Yeah. I'm a TV whore. (I do feel compelled to tell you I don't watch all of these at the same time or on the same day. Just so you know.)(Seriously. Stop judging me.)

7. I regret all of the things I didn't get done and swear I will do them tomorrow. I'm a procrastinator. But Fiddle Dee Dee. So what?

And the 7 Day Challenge is Finis! Oh I should have put that on the list! Every day I like to say certain words in French because it makes me feel fancy....

7 Day Challenge - Day 6: 7 Places I have been

2011-04-18T10:40:00.004-07:00

I have been so lucky in my life to have travelled to a lot of fun places. I've been to Europe three times. I've been to some fun places in Mexico. I've been to Canada. I've been to the Caribbean. I've been to some amazing places within the United States. I've been everywhere, man.

And I have been to some really uneventful places too. So I thought it would be more fun to talk about those, because they get less press. So here's my list and some tips on where to go and what to do when you are there. Enjoy yourselves.

1. Tooele, Utah. (Pronounced by the locals at "Twella" but probably supposed to be "Too-el-uh.")(Or if you are trying to be funny, you pronounce it Tew-lee. Because people who have been to Tew-lee have a sense of humor.) This adorable little town is on the edge of the Great Salt Lake. It's a pretty cute little town, especially in the fall. . My mom's whole family is from there so it's full of crazy people. If you are looking for something to do, you can always go to the Wal-Mart. That is if there's no rodeo scheduled that day. Make sure you have a crispy meat burrito at Taco Time, super yummy. And call my Aunt Nellie so she can cook you dinner. The best place to eat in town, I guarantee!

2. Gila Bend, Arizona. (Pronounced Hee-la Bend) Seriously the armpit of the universe. Save your hate mail if you are from there. This is my opinion. By far the most depressing town I have ever driven through. The only thing to do there is stop at a gas station to pee. It sucks.

3. Wilmington, Delaware. (If you can't figure out how to pronounce this one, we have more problems than I can help you with here.) If Gila Bend is the right armpit, Wilmington is the left. No offense. But Wilmington sucks. I was there for three days on business in 1995. Three days way too long.

4. Overton, Nevada. Where I spent my first few years of life. And then I left. Now there's no reason to ever go there. Unless you are looking for someone to play horse shoes with you. In that case, it's a town full of contenders.

5. Black Canyon City, Arizona. And we all know how this one ended. Get gas there. And then get out.

6. Erda, Utah. Right next door to Tooele. Make sure you attend during Erda Days. I think you can actually chase a greased pig for a prize.

7. Kingman, Arizona. I would avoid this town all together. Everyone who comes from there is crazy. Timothy McVeigh anyone? Hello?? I mean yeah, it's got that whole Route 66 thing going, but is it worth it? I think not.

Tomorrow - Seven things I do every day.... Are you guys sick of me yet?

7 Day Challenge - Day 5: 7 things I always carry

2011-04-17T18:45:00.004-07:00

So the other day I was leaving work and this new chick says to me "Um, is your purse fake?" And I was all "Bitch, you want to step outside?"

Listen. I can handle criticism. You want to comment on my fat ass or my grey roots or my big teeth, fine. But you start questioning the authenticity of my handbag and I'm going to lay hands on you. Plain and simple.

Fake purses have no place in this world.

So. First and foremost....

1. I always carry a REAL handbag. I may have found it at the bottom of the pile at TJ Maxx or Last Chance, but it is real and it is spectacular. Believe that.

2. Within the handbag, I always have a smaller cosmetic bag. This one is usually something cheap but cute and its sole purpose is organization. I have a clear one just for the airport. (I'm all about making life easier for TSA.)(Plus getting frisked by a big chick named Mavis can get your vacay off on the wrong foot.)

3. Within the smaller bag, I always have gum. My preference is Ice Breakers Cubes in Peppermint.

4. Chapstick. Just plain. Although at Christmas I do love the peppermint. And I also have a mint citrus one that I keep in my desk.

5. Tylenol. I have a really cute sparkly pill box that I got a million years ago, so everyone knows I always have Tylenol. Ubes gets headaches a lot. I'm always prepared.

6. Hand sanitizer. I prefer the cute smelly ones from Bath & Body Works, but in a pinch I always have the plain. Nothing beats a glittery vanilla cupcake scented one, though.

7. Cell Phone. Kind of funny how we have lived most of our lives without these little beauties, yet the minute we leave the house without them, we feel naked and vulnerable and in a panic. How am I going to Tweet? How will I check my Facebook page? How can I text my random thoughts to my friends?? Oh and hey, what if there's an emergency and I actually have to (GASP) use a pay phone??? DO I HAVE ENOUGH HAND SANITIZER????

Tomorrow: 7 places I've been. Oooooh! This one is gonna be FUN! Because I've been to some pretty exciting places. Like Tooele Utah. And Gila Bend Arizona. Don't be jealous.

7 Day Challenge - Day 4: 7 favorite things

2011-04-16T07:39:00.001-07:00

Well we all know how much I love stuff, right? i have a go-gillion favorite things. This is pretty serious, where to I begin?

1. Charming Charlies - Okay, if you haven't been yet, don't say I didn't warn you. An entire store of nothing but accessories. And not teenager accessories like a Claire's Boutique. I'm talking serious necklaces, earrings, bracelets, shoes, handbags, etc. for your inner diva. The prices are so amazing, your purse will have an orgasm. But that only makes it easier to justify buying more stuff. So needless to say, according to Ubes, I am no longer allowed to enter the store unsupervised.

2. Bracelets - I know this might seem redundant after talking about where to buy bracelets, but I get them everywhere. I rarely leave the house without wearing a few. I love them. LOVE THEM. And nothing warms my heart more than seeing my daughter mix and match her own. My favorites are my Coach Bangles, John Hardy Chain bracelets, and my Betsey Johnson rhinestone. Aaahhhh... I feel so pretty.

3. Netbook - I love my Acer Netbook. I can take it anywhere, it fits in my purse. The battery lasts forever and it makes me happy. iPad, shmipad. I'm happy with my netbook.

4. Flip Flops - I don't know why. Maybe it's convenience? Maybe because they are so cheap so you can always justify another pair? I live for my flippy floppies. Ask Uberman, he's constantly tripping over them. And I think I have about thirty pair. My faves are my black sparkly crystalled and my brown leopard print from the Gap.

5. Netflix - If you are not on Netflix, you are not living. That should totally be their motto. The documentaries alone are amazing. And all those British Costume Dramas???? Getting me through the pneumonia that won't die. Greatest discovery since TiVo.

6. Seattle's Best Vanilla Coffee - This is the brand carried in the cafeteria at work. I am pretty sure there is an addictive chemical in it, aside from the caffeine. I can not start my day without it. I top it off with a good long squirt of vanilla cream and 1 artificial sweetener packet. And then the day is mine.

7. Planning a party: I know this may not seem like a thing, but it's totally an activity right? I love planning a party. Love it so much that when other people I know are planning a party it takes everything I have not to just completely take over and shout "You're doing it wrong, Dumb Ass!" My 40th birthday is in September and I am seriously planning my own party so that when my husband realizes he is going to be sleeping on the couch indefinitely if he doesn't throw me a huge bash, he will have all my notes and instructions and the planning will be a piece of cake. I'll just have to work on pretending to be surprised. Is that weird? No? I didn't think so.

So those are my a few of my favorite things. Tomorrow, seven things I always carry. Burdens and grudges totally don't count.

7 Day Challenge - Day 3: 7 things to do before I die

2011-04-15T05:00:00.005-07:00

A few months ago, I posted my Bucket List: 100 things to do before I die. Since then, I have been very fortunate to cross some of those things off my list. So here are 7 more replacements:

1. See the Treasury at Petra in Jordan

2. Co-host a talk show with Kristen S (even if it's just pretend)(Or we could totally do a webcast! Like iCarly! But it would be called "iLike to make fun of people!")

3. Take up Yoga

4. Bring my parents with us to Disneyland

5. Go on a short trip with all of our couple friends (you know who you are!)

6. Go back to Berlin with my kids and in-laws

7. Help Uberman achieve his dream of owning a brewery What about you? Piece of cake, right? All seven are TOTALLY achievable.

What about you?

7 Day Challenge - Day 2: 7 Friends and where I met them....

2011-04-14T05:00:00.002-07:00

Oh wowsers. This is gonna be hard. (That's what she said.)

How do I choose just seven? I mean I'm a lucky girl. I have oodles of awesome friends. What seven do I pick? Who's gonna feel left out? O in no particular order, and with no preference over anyone else, I give you seven random friends that pop into my mind....

1. Uberman - He's my best friend so he goes first. We met on my 15th birthday. He was 14. I know, I'm such a cradle robber. Needless to say, I was not impressed at first. I thought he was stuck up, rude, spoiled and obnoxious. But after a few years, a friendship grew and next thing you know, I'm head over heals for the guy. And still, almost 25 years later, he makes me weak in the knees. He's been working so hard lately, trying to build a business, going to school and taking care of me and the kids (so I can rest and get better). He's amazing.

2. Dee - My BFF. My soul sister. My heart. I've told you the story, we met in 9th grade PE. I had just moved to Arizona and hated it. It was a complete culture shock. I missed my friends. I missed my family. My attitude sucked. And somehow, she saw past all that. She found my sarcasm hilarious. And still now, I know I can count on her to laugh at my jokes first, and tell my why it was inappropriate (but still funny) later. She is one of the few people who truly gets me.

3. Travis - Used to be my best girlfriend at work. Until he quit and left me in hell all by myself. And now he is a brother to me. Plus, I know he is one of the very few people I can ask to help me hide a body. He won't ask questions. He won't judge. He'll just show up with a shovel, some Mountain Dew Code Red and make me play the "Who is more successful at the box office" game while we dig.

4. Erin - I met Erin at a Mommy Group at church more than five years ago. Erin's like a firework. She is beautiful and loud and sparkly and bright and she just fills your heart with joy. In the past three years, she has been there for me. Always willing to listen. Always up for breakfast and a trip to Charming Charlies. I love this girl with all my heart and soul.

5. Kristen S - We met at work almost twenty years ago. Yeah, I prejudged her because of her gorgeousness. I mean come one, she looks like petite Barbie. Like Alice in Wonderland, but with a truck driver mouth. We planned our weddings at the same time and traded ideas for photographers and florists. Later we became a team, training the masses to appreciate the importance of a Positive Memorable Customer Experience (PMCE). Our classes were legendary. And here we are, still doing our best to join forces to make the world a better place. Someday we will have our own talk show. You mark my words.

6. Raia - So when I met Raia, I was reading this book that I found in a box belonging to my then roommate. The box was full of stuff my roommate's mom was planning to get rid of at a garage sale. I picked this book, that I had never even heard of but thought looked interesting. It was just some ratty paperback written more than 20 years prior. A few days later, I went to Raias house for dinner with some other friends, and there on her coffee table was the same book! She was right in the middle of reading it too. How weird is that?? So, where would I be without my Raia? One of the few people I know who will be on my side no matter what. Oh, she'll tell me if she thinks I'm wrong, but she won't let on to anyone else. We met at work as well. A job that completely sucked. But it was better because we were there together. Hungover a lot of the time, I'm not gonna lie to you. We have had many adventures together. And many more to come.

7. Stacey - We met through her mom Karen, My Other Mother. Stacey was 15, I was 18. She is my ginger haired little sister. Now, all these years later, I talk to her almost every day. Text, facebook, phone, whatever. If I need to talk, I know she's there. Even though she is in TexASS and I am here. Fingers crossed, she and her family will be back here soon and then let the hijinks begin. I love you Stace-Face. (PS, You never let me know today whether or not you had to bring out the "big guns." Wink wink. Call me!)

Tomorrow! 7 things to do before you die. (This is fun. You should do it too!)

And PS, I feel bad I left out so many amazing people I have in my life -(Kenny, Karen, Ames, Diane, Katie, Jess, Bex, Flint, Jovina, Brooke, Kim, Wendy, Lisa J, Serena, The Teacher, The Best Man, Beth, Auntie B, Sarah, She She. I would shrivel up and die without these people.) (Seriously?? What is up with Blogger and the paragraph problem?????? ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE ME CRAZY????)

7 Day Challenge - Day 1

2011-04-13T10:40:00.005-07:00

Hello Lovers. Still working on my overrated/underrated actors list. I am taking this thing way too seriously. Which is hilarious because I gave Travis the HARDEST time about the process he went through to create his list. I think I may have even called him "crazy" and "anal" and "ridiculous." But not to his face, of course. I mean, I don't want to hurt his feelings. But the dude is a weirdo.

My friend Chris is doing this on his blog so I thought I would steal from him shamelessly. So thanks for the inspiration Chris, and you know I am not just talking about this Meme. This is a 7 day challenge. That's right people. 7 posts in 7 consecutive days. I am committed! Day 1 is a list of 7 interesting facts about me. I kinda feel like you guys know everything there is to know, but I'll try to come up with some new stuff....

1. Right now as I type this to you I am on my lunch break at work and I'm sitting at my desk doing an albuterol breathing treatment. People look at you funny when you are smoking a bong at work. Leave it to me to make pneumonia fun!

2. I get dressed in the dark every day because I leave the house by 5:30 and I don't want to wake up Ubes. So two weeks ago after being at work for 3 hours I went to use the ladies room and realized with sheer horror that I had grabbed the wrong underwear and for the first time in almost 20 years my bra and underwear did not match. I was uncomfortable the rest of the day. I mean what if I got in accident?? How was I going to explain that to the paramedics? Or, gasp! What if I was totally unconscious and couldn't even attempt to explain it?? I could hardly function until I made it home safely.

3. I may or may not have a teeny tiny bit of obsessive compulsive disorder.

4. When I was 7, I had a MAJOR crush on Robert Urich. I got to see him in person at an event in Las Vegas. He saw me staring at him and came up to talk to me. I started to cry. He bent down and asked me what was wrong and all I could do was wail "I don't know! I just love you so much!" And he gave me a hug without making me feel stupid. I was only 7, but I was pretty sure we were going to get married. When he died in 2002, I cried again.

5. I am 30 pounds from my goal weight. And I just got an amazing haircut. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm pretty hot right now.

6. I'm comfortable with my confidence.

7. I'm a little embarrassed I told you about Robert Urich.

Tomorrow.... 7 friends and how I met them. Oooh it's gonna be a good one!

Thirteen on Thursday

2011-04-07T08:30:00.011-07:00

Okay so you know how people do Ten on Tuesday? (And if you don't, it doesn't matter. I'm just trying to make conversation here.) Well I thought I would do Thirteen on Thursday. It's been forever since we talked last and we should get caught up. Yes? >

1. I've been sick. Again. Or still?? I should have gone to the doctor when I had the Zombie Flu. But I didn't because I'm busy. And guess what it turned into? Pneumonia. Which sucks. It hurts to breathe when you have Pneumonia. I'd rather be a zombie, I think. .

2. I have my hair in a pony tail at work today and I feel uncomfortable. My ears are too big to wear my hair back and the actual tail part feels limp and lifeless. I just feel like I am making a statement. "Look at my face!" or "I was too lazy to do my hair today." or "I'm really just trying to cover the sterling silver highlights." Either way, I feel blah. .

3. I haven't weighed in for three weeks. No excuse. Just didn't do it. But I'm okay with it. .

4. Last night my daughter said to me "Mommy, don't you just love the smell of cupcakes? And also new shoes?" And my heart exploded with a burst of butterflies and pink and purple glitter. .

5. I officially love beer. .

6. I was supposed to write a post about overrated and underrated actors two weeks ago and I just never finished it. Sorry Travis. But you do have that to look forward to. .

7. My work schedule finally changed. Can I get a whoop whoop?? Monday thru Friday Bitches. And I am back to 8 hours. A 10 hour day was killing me. Just depleting my fairy dust. And no one wants depleted fairy dust. .

8. I love Taylor Swift. I know. I can't help it. I think she's a big giant dork but I love her lyrics. Let the teasing begin. .

9. The puppies have added so much to our family. Even though Porter the obnoxious fat ass has eaten two pairs of my beloved shoes (my red peep toes and my black ankle boots) and they are still using my tile as a toilet. But OHMYGOD they are so cute and cuddly and I just love their squishy little faces! .

10. I'm changing. Maybe it's growing up, I don't know. But I am learning to let go. It feels good. .

11. I caught my oldest child staring at a girl's boobs last week. I am so not ready for him to be a teenager. .

12. If I found out the world was going to end in 30 days, my diet would pretty much consist of stuff smothered in buttercream frosting. And bacon. .

13. I miss you. .

(I realize it is now FRIDAY, but I wrote most of this on THURSDAY so it still counts. Does too!)

And Blogger is being a giant butthole so this post looks like crap and I am too tired of editing it and trying to get my page breaks in there so I am sorry for the jumbled mess but this is making me want to rip my hair out so I am going to stop. See? Letting go. It's a beautiful thing.

I love this. It's the best thing he has written.

2011-03-21T08:47:00.001-07:00

Dear Junior, Mac and Boo,

Yeah. What he said.

Love,

Mom

After reading this you will want to go on a road trip with me.

2011-03-17T14:04:00.008-07:00

So Wednesday I took the kids on a little day trip to Sedona. In case you don't know anything about Sedona, it's a freakfest. A town full of weirdo's who believe in the power of crystals and psychics and UFO's and all that stuff. There are a few normal people who live there, like my parents. But even that is debatable.

Apparently there are vortexes all over Sedona that increase your psychic ability and help you communicate with other life forms and a bunch of other useless crap like that. I think we need to write a letter to the chamber of commerce, because there should be one that is useful. Like one that increases your ability to save money or improves your boobies. I would be kicking people out of the way to stand in one of those vortexes, am I right?

But this is not the point of my story... I left two of my babies at my parents house until the weekend, so it was just me and Junior on the drive home. When I left my house, I had more than a half a tank of gas. I figured that was plenty for the trip to and from. I mean it's only a little over a hundred miles. One way. I know. I had my head up my ass as usual. And being a complete moron, I also wasn't thinking that the way up is literally "up" a mountain. So 2o minutes after I left my mom's house, my gas light came on. Well, duh.

Crap.

Ubes would KILL me if I ran out of gas. On the highway. With his firstborn child in the car. I figured I could probably make it to the outlets at Anthem. Most of the way home was down hill. I could totally coast, right? So for the next several miles I kept my eye on the gas needle and my foot off the pedal. As much as possible anyway. But it didn't take long for me to realize I probably wouldn't make it to Anthem.

As luck would have it, I passed a sign indicating gas could be purchased in Black Canyon City.

Have you been to Black Canyon City? No? And why would you? It's just a rinky dink hick town built on the side of I17. Unless you are from there and then I am sure it is lovely.

Anyhoo...

So I get off the freeway and follow the signs to the gas station. And it seemed like we were driving forever in the middle of nowhere before we finally started seeing signs of a town. (Come on Black Canyon City, I think we are stretching things a bit, don't you?) There were four gangly teenage boys walking along the main street, probably out looking to score some Oxy, and they literally stopped and stared at us as we drove by.

Junior and I looked at each other.

"Is it just me, or do you hear banjo music?" he asked.
"I know, right?" I said. "Let's find the gas station and get out of here. I'm pretty sure this is where they filmed Children of the Corn."

I pulled into the gas station ($3.79 a gallon?!?!) and stopped the car at the pump. There was a garage in the back, two service bays with the doors open. A man wearing dirty overalls walked slowly out of one of the bays and leaned against the doorway. He stood there, cleaning a dipstick with an oily, blue rag as he watched me.

"How do?" I said cheerfully, thinking maybe if I spoke his language he would let me and the boy go.

He just nodded once, turned his head to the side, and spit. I took a deep breath and stared at the gas pump, slowly ticking cent by cent. I put in just enough gas to get me almost 30 miles to Anthem and jumped back in the car.

"Check that guy out," Junior said, pointing his cell phone camera at Cooter, who was now picking his teeth with the dipstick. I grabbed his phone.

"Are you trying to get us killed?" I asked him.

Needless to say, we got the hell out of Dodge. And the moral of this story?

Those hippie, crystal worshipping, recycle freaks in Sedona suddenly didn't look so bad.

This is the awesomeness that is my life. You can't make this stuff up.

2011-03-08T08:31:00.003-07:00

So yesterday I was wearing super cute shoes. I mean I wear super cute shoes every day, c'mon. But I really love my little black mules with the bow on the side. Wish I could find a picture, but I can't.

In case you are not familiar with mules, they are a slip on shoe with a heel, the back is totally open. So when you walk the back kind of flops with each step and you have to kind of curl your toes to keep them on. Which sounds really uncomfortable, but you don't even notice because you are too excited about wearing cute shoes to care. Get it? And then when you walk down stairs in those shoes, it sounds like you are clomping and stomping and a heard of elephants is following you.

But what is our motto people? Fashion before comfort! Let's all say it together:

Fashion before comfort!

So anyhoosies, yesterday I was going down the stairs at work, and this man was coming up at the same time. We passed at the landing, where he turned to go up and I turned to go down. He was a little too close as he passed me so he kind of brushed my arm. And because I am super nice and polite I said "excuse me." But in that split second moment as I opened my mouth to form the words, I relaxed my toes and the heel of my shoe kind of hit the ground funny and made a . . . um, awkward . . . noise . . . that kind of sounded really similar to a . . . ummmm . . . fart.

And before I could stop the words . . . I said excuse me.

But I was talking about the fact that we were so close and that he brushed my arm! But it really sounded like I was saying excuse me for farting.

And what was I supposed to do? Say "No, really, that was my shoe."

Yeah, sure it was.

He actually paused and looked at me in shock and I just kept on walking people. Face bright red. Scrunching my toes to keep my stupid shoe on.

I'm never wearing those shoes again and now I want to die. The end.

ABC's and 26 things about me. You are so excited. I can tell.

2011-03-02T13:48:00.005-07:00

I want to post more. I do. I really, really do. So I stole this little bit of inspiration/easy post from here. She's fab.

Age: 39. And fabulous.

Bed size: King

Chore you dislike: Folding the laundry. We have too many clothes in this house.

Dogs: Yes, two little jerk face fuzzballs who wake up at 5:00 AM and want to go outside.

Essential start of your day: Caffeine. Coffee on a work day, Diet coke at home.

Favorite color: Depends on what we are talking about. Love Pink. Love Red. Love a citrusy lime green.

Gold or Silver: Mostly silver. But love gold too.

Height: My license says 5' 5", but really I am 5' 4 1/2"

Instruments you played: Didgeridoo. No not really. But wouldn't that be awesome?

Job Title: Mom. Wife. Professional Ass Kisser.

Kids: Yes, three amazing ones that are cuter than yours.

Live: Phoenix-ish

Mom's name: Lana. Backwards it is Anal. The irony is not lost on anyone.

Nicknames: Apes. I didn't pick it for myself people.

Overnight hospital stays: 3. All Baby related. And hopefully that's it.

Pet Peeve: Oh dude. We could be here all day talking about this. But I really hate it when people make smacking noises when they eat.

Quote from a movie: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void." - Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

Righty or Lefty: Righty

Siblings: That's complicated. Technically yes, 1. But really, no. I fit the only child profile.

Time you wake up: 5:00 AM. See above note about jerkface puppies.

Underwear: Uuuummm, is this a question? Because the answer is yes.

Vegetables you don't like: Wow. This should be Vegetables You Like. That would be a smaller list. I like lettuce. That's about it. Which explains the voluptuous figure, eh?

What makes you run late: Ha! Another loaded question. Mostly, Uberman. The dude was born a month over due, and the doctor had to smoke him out. What does that tell you? Also, 3 kids, procrastination, laziness and my constant quest to find my keys.

X-rays you've had: Well I am clumsy so I have had x-rays on my arm, finger, back, foot (twice), and of course, teeth.

Yummy food you make: I make a chicken enchilada soup that is so delicious you might cry. I also make a pretty mean oatmeal raisin cookie, even though I never eat them. And of course, Wondermix.

Zoo Animal Favorite: I love the monkeys. Who doesn't? I also love Giraffes. So graceful and beautiful.

Okay, so what should we talk about next?

Random thoughts on a Monday. I suck at posting lately. I'm aware.

2011-02-28T13:14:00.009-07:00

I'm sick of coughing. And I'm sure everyone around me is sick of listening to me cough. I sound like an 80 year old bingo player with a 5 pack a day habit. Or my aunt Melva. (If you are reading this and you know Aunt Melva, please do not tell her I said this because she will kick my ass and I am terrified of her.)(You would be too.)

Natalie Portman best actress?? Really Oscar?? I saw the Black Swan and I have to say I strongly disagree. The girl is awesome at crying on cue. But that does not a best actress make. Puh-leeeez.

Kudos on the choice of Colin Firth and The King's Speech. I heartily agree. I will be Mrs. Colin Firth in my next life. You will all be invited to the wedding. I will wear these shoes. You will all oohh and aahh and be really jealous of my shoes and new husband.

I think Charlie Sheen needs to SHUT UP. He and Lindsay Lohan should runaway together. To the Moon.

My in this life husband, the amazing Uberman, is making custom t-shirts. Email me if you are interested. No, really.

Are you guys watching Party Down on Netflix? If not, you are not as cool as I am.

Although, Travis hated Party Down. Travis has really bad taste in movies and TV shows. And also music. Travis loves Cold Play. Need I say more?

My puppies are cuter than your puppies.

Everyone I know is pregnant. If this is a contagious epidemic, I am going to be pissed.

I've been craving chocolate cake for two weeks. Fat camp sucks.

My kids have spring break in two weeks and I have the week off with them. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.

Okay this was fun. Let's do it again soon.

So the flu hit my whole house and this is all I got....

2011-02-23T07:45:00.004-07:00

I'm calling shenanigans on flu shots. Because I got a flu shot. And guess what else I got? THE FLU. So that's it. I'm done. I'm not going to waste my time getting stuck with needles and having a sore arm for a week just to get the flu anyway because that sucks.

And I am pretty sure this flu is some kind of zombie virus. And I really don't want to be a zombie you guys because zombies don't really care much about their appearance. And I have reputation to uphold, you know? But I fear my transition is imminent. Because yesterday my hair looked like crap and I didn't have the energy to wear any accessories. That's a sure sign.

Sigh.

And do guys know what is worse than having the zombie flu? Having a husband with the zombie flu. Because husbands are big babies when it comes to the flu. Zombie or otherwise. Because no matter how sick you are, they are sicker than you ever thought about being. I mean you are so sick you want to die. You are so sick you actually go to Super Target in your pajamas and a ponytail and don't even care who you might run into because ohmygod you just need to know where they are hiding the freaking Tylenol Cold and Flu. But he is obviously way sicker because he couldn't even fathom getting out of bed and oh by the way since you are already up can you get him some more Gatorade?

I mean seriously people.

But does he want to go to the Urgent Care? No. Of course not. Urgent care is for suckers. Right? But then he won't stop shivering and so he keeps you up at night with his shaking the bed and you are just so tired but he refuses to go to the doctor.

Until his mother suggests it.

Even though I suggested, begged and pleaded for three days. But no. I mean who am I? Only his wife. Only the person he is keeping awake at night with the coughing and nose blowing and fever shaking. No biggie.

But thank God his mom got him to go to the doctor. Because now he is on the antibiotics and we can all go back to normal. And I can sleep again.

At least until I turn into a zombie. I don't think zombies sleep, do they?

Wow. No sleep and no cute clothes. I am not going to like being a zombie.

Bang. You are dead from the cuteness.

2011-02-07T18:40:00.006-07:00

So look what I got over the weekend.

I know. Can you stand it? Can you smell the puppy breath? Does you heart just want to burst right now? Littlefurryfacesquishypunkinsugarboogers!

So Wednesday my kids were off school. Teacher in service day or some crap like that. Is it just me or does it seem kids are off school more than on? Whatever, anyway.... So Junior texts me while I am at work.

He: Hey Mom, Grandpa showed me where they have puppies for sale in the newspaper. Can I call on one?

Me: No.

He: Mom we really want a puppy and Mac and I have money saved. We will help pay for it.

Me: No.

He: Can I ask Dad?

Me: Dad will say no.

He: So you make the decision Mom. You always let Dad make the big decisions. You should start using your power.

(I know, right? Kid is a master manipulator.)

Me: Junior. I am at work. I am very busy and important. I can't talk to you about this now. I need to focus on my work.

He: Are you doing online jigsaw puzzles again?

So I sent Uberman an email.

Me: The kids want a dog.

He: I know. I think my dad put them up to it.

Me: Should we get them a dog?

He: No.

Me: Junior says I let you make too many of the big decisions and I need to start using my power.

He: See, he knows I am the boss.

Me: Whatever. We're getting the kids a dog.

He: No.

Me: Yes. We can discuss it more at home. I have to go. I am busy.

He: Today's jigsaw puzzle is pretty tough, huh?

We spent the evening talking about puppies, what kind, what to name one. Did we want a boy or a girl? Who will take care of it if we go out of town? (My mom graciously volunteered.) We decided on a mini schnauzer, because that's what we are used to, we've had them before. We also decided a boy would be best for our family. I spent Thursday and Friday looking at online ads for puppies and calling breeders. Most had only girls left, were too expensive or were sold out.

Friday night I decided it was a sign. I was getting cold feet.

Was I willing to give up some of the precious few hours of sleep I get each night to deal with a crying puppy? Did I want to spend my time cleaning up pee and poop? Dealing with all the stuff dogs track in the house? What about the expense of having a dog, the food, the toys, the groomer and vet bills? Plus all the stuff they get into and chew up and destroy?

No thank you.

I broke the news to Ubes. Who was disappointed but he understood. Or so I thought.

Saturday morning we got up and decided to take the kids to lunch and a movie. But on the way, Ubes mad a pit stop in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I just glared at him. I'm not stupid. I knew what he was up to.

The family had both the mom and the dad dogs with four puppies in a big pen in their family room. One of the puppies was a lot bigger than the others, feisty, playful and curious. The owner picked him up and handed him to Uberman. As soon as he picked him up, a smaller puppy started whimpering and crying. The owner picked him up too and handed him to me, explaining these were the only boy puppies. The one I held whimpered and cried, he was shaking and trying to get to his brother. The one Uberman held was happy and friendly, trying to lick Ubes' face and check out the kids.

But mine was sweet. I couldn't stand how we was trying so hard to get to his brother. It broke my heart.

"What do we do?" I asked Ubes. "How do we pick? It's like Sophie's Choice. This one is going to be sad either way."

"I like this one," Ubes said. "He's big and strong."

"But this one is so sweet," I whined. "He is so calm. And he's not cute at all. No one will want him."

Uberman looked at me holding the ugly puppy, our matching big, sad eyes. He turned to the owner. "How much for both?"

And that's how we left with two damn dogs.
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This is Cooper. He is sweet and quiet and likes to chill out. He is little but he can hold his own when his chubby brother is trying to push him away from the food dish. And he looks pretty bad ass with a faux hawk.

This is Porter. He is big and fat and rambunctious. He is curious and full of mischief. He likes to pee on the floor and wake up his brother to play at two in the morning. He is also on my shit list for trying to eat my favorite Coach sneakers. I love him but I am pretty sure he is an asshole.
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And so the adventure begins.

I love stuff. And I love this stuff so much I want share this stuff with you. You are welcome.

2011-01-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

So I am completely, totally, head over heels hooked on the Style Lush. (Thanks, Caitlin.) Have you guys checked this site out yet? I'm addicted. It's basically a big blog of awesomeness, full of products and fashion and decorating ideas. I can hardly stand it I love it so much.
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And you know how one of your friends has something that you just love? And they are a butthole and won't tell you where they got it? I hate that. And I am so not like that. If you compliment me on something, I am most likely going to tell you: A) whether or not it was a gift, B) exactly where I got it if it wasn't a gift, and C) how much I paid for it.
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For example:
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Random Admirer: Ooooh April, I like your shirt!
Me: Thank you. Old Navy clearance rack, seven bucks.
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You see how that works? It's not hard to talk about your stuff. People welcome it. So share. Mmmmkay?
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So I think I'll take a moment to practice what I preach a little. I have some new favorite things and favorite places and favorite people. So let's talk about them, because I know they could be your favorite things or places or people, too. And if not, that's okay. But your taste is questionable.
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So let's start with food, wanna?
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My new favorite place in the entire world, and many of you are sick of hearing me talk about it, but oh well. Mellow Mushroom. Oh. Em. Jeezies. This pizza is so good it will make you want to slap your mama. My fave is the Buffalo Chicken, but I shared a piece of my friend Amy's Ceasar Pizza when we went there New Year's Eve and it was super yummy. Their fresh baked pretzels are also amazing and their beer selection is pretty extensive, which makes Uberman super happy. Even better, we have not had one teeny tiny moment of bad service there, EVER. So if you haven't been to Mellow Mushroom, what are you doing sitting here wasting time reading my blog? Get off your booty and go eat some pizza!
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Any of you who know me in person, know how much my mother in law spoils me. One of my most favorite things I own is the Toy Watch she gave me for Christmas last year.
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Love it! It is the greatest watch ever. Plus it looks super fancy. I wear it everywhere and with everything. I am so in love with my watch I want to marry it. But this year for Christmas she gave me one of these:
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It's a Fruitz watch by Phillip Stein. It's supposed to harmonize your biorythms and balance your chi and make your aura sparkle and stuff like that. I don't know if I believe that but I am all up for anything that gets me to calm the flip down and stop being such a spazz all the time. Whatever, it looks super cute on my wrist and I love the color! I'm not going to tell you how much this one cost because it's kinda ridonculous. But I ask you, can we really put a price on the importance of harmonizing your biorythms?? No. I don't think we can. It comes in a variety of different "fruitz," so get your own. The watermelon is mine. Capice?

One of my most favorite new discoveries is courtesy of my girl Raia. (Who, by the way, totally turns 40 today so stop by her blog and tell her HAPPY BIRTHDAY. But you have to say it like that, totally loud and all caps so she can hear you because she is old now.) She gave me a goody bag of fun stuff to keep at my desk when I got my new job, and one of the items was Lush Lemony Flutter Cuticle Butter.

Dudes. I am so addicted to this little pot of yummyness that if I can't find it, I start to freak out a little. My cuticles and I are not friends, you know? They rebel against me and crack and peel and then I get this thing I call The Hamburger Thumb. My thumb will turn red like raw hamburger meat and the pain is unbearable. And it doesn't hurt that I pick at it until it bleeds and then I have to walk around with the Hello Kitty Band-Aid. Now, I put a tiny bit of this product on my cuticles and the tops of my hands and just rub it in. It smells like lemony heaven, and my hands look fab. No more Hamburger Thumb. Need I say more?

When we went to Europe this fall, I needed a pair of shoes that would be comfy and cute, and not make me stand out like a stupid American tourist. No one wants to be that guy. Because it was late fall and COLD for this Arizona girl, I decided boots may be my best bet. I found these:

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They are Skechers Tone-Ups and I realize they look a little club foot, but they are the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn in my entire life. I walked a million miles all over Europe wearing these comfy boots and I felt like the streets were cushioned just for me. They kept me warm and looked cute with every pair of pants I brought. Two weeks ago I wore them all over Disneyland. I love, love, LOVE my boots.

The past six months have resulted in the development of a coffee addiction. Which means I have been on the hunt for a travel mug that would keep my coffee hot and also look cute in my hand. Everything is an accessory, people. Everything. I found the Fill Drink Wash Repeat cup by Copco at the Wal-Mart for $4.00! I love it. Hot coffee and dishwasher safe. Holla! Oh, and also environmentally friendy. Don't accuse me of not being green, y'all. Mine looks just like the one below but the band is RED.
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So once I got the perfect cup to keep hot stuff hot, I figured I needed one to keep cold stuff cold. Makes sense, right? And you know how I love my daily Diet Coke. Can't function without it. Uberman's cousin the Teacher got me one of these little beauties for Christmas:
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It's a double insulated tumbler from Cost Plus World Market. On Black Friday they had a deal for purchasing a single cup for something ridiculous like $2. She picked up a red one for me and a clear one for herself. This cup is always on my desk at work keeping my cold refreshing berages cold and refreshing. Plus it doesn't sweat so BONUS!
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Another of my fabulous cousins in law recently started her own party planning business. Please go visit Serena at Rylie Boo Events and check out all her awesome ideas and recipes. We had a game night at her a house a few weeks ago and it was AMAZING. She went all out and the food was to die for. The girl has some mad skillz.
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I have tons more to share with you guys, but I don't want to overwhelm you with the fabulousness. Totally a word. So is fabulocity. I made them up and you can use them. You are welcome. Anyhoots. I think we will call it a day for now. Next week I will talk to you about my amazing Betsy Johnson bracelet and also we are going to pimp Stacey's Sassytoppers again. Because that's how we roll around here. We like to pimp.
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If you end up falling in love with any of the products I have listed here, please let me know, only because I am curious about how I am contributing positivity to your lives. I think it's because of the Fruitz watch. Yeah. This thing is working. Now I'm gonna go chill.
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Me, Dee and all things Disney

2011-01-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

So April, how's that posting twice a week thing working out for ya? What about the running?? How many miles have you logged?

You guys are such haters.

But I have started cleaning up my office so HA HA! In your FACE!

I just got back from Disneyland. It was glorious. Don't tell Dee I told you this, but she turned 40 while we were there. I know, right? It totally happened. And she didn't spontaneously combust or anything.

The first time I ever went to Disneyland was with Dee. Did I ever tell you guys that? Well as you know, Dee and I met in 9th grade PE. We were paired up for badminton because our last names started with the same letter and we stood next to each other alphabetically in the line up. I am sure she was thrilled to have the new girl with the bad attitude as a partner, just as I was thrilled about getting stuck with the pretty little goody two shoes. But somehow, we were soul mates. She was the fric to my frac. We were opposite ends of the personality spectrum, but together we were a harmonious balance. We spent every weekend sleeping over at each other's houses from pretty much then on, until Dee ditched me by going off to college. Bitch.

But I digress.

For Dee's 17th birthday, her amazing dad took us to The Compass Room for dinner. The Compass Room was a pretty fancy shmancy place to go at the time. Maybe it still is, I don't know. I'm the mother of three. Chili's is as fancy as we get around these parts. So anyhoo, Tom, that's Dee's dad, took us to the Compass Room. It's a revolving restaurant at the top of the Hyatt hotel in downtown Phoenix. We had to get all dressed up and use manners and everything. It was pretty hot stuff.

So we are sitting there at dinner talking about various stuff that's fun to talk about when you are 16 & 17 and somehow it came up that I had never been to Disneyland.

"What?" Tom asked in complete shock. "Are you serious? How could you be 16 years old and have never been to Disneyland?"

It just wasn't anything we had ever been able to afford in my childhood. My kids have no idea how lucky they are, considering they have all been there a million times. But Tom just sat back in his seat and said "Well, we are gonna have to go. You need to go. So let's go. I'll call your parents and tell them I am taking you to Disneyland. We'll fly out on a Friday night and come home Sunday."

I just stared at him. It was that easy. We were just going to pack up and go to Disneyland for the weekend. By plane.

And we went. Two weeks later. We stayed in a fancy hotel in Hollywood because it was between Disneyland and Magic Mountain and he thought we might as well go to both since we were going to be so close and all. We spent the whole day Saturday in Disneyland. I was completely overwhelmed by the magic. I loved every moment, every ride, every attraction, every single solitary thing about that day. Especially the fact that Tom wore a Goofy hat the entire day. He sat on the curb with us on Main Street, eating ice cream and watching the parade. He went on every ride. He made sure that I saw all of the special little secrets about Disneyland that few people notice, like the golden spike under the castle at the entrance to Fantasy Land. That is the dead center of Disneyland. Did you know that?

It was a magical day. A magical trip that I have cherished forever. It started my love for all things Disney. And I have been back a million times since.

Last week we had the best time in Disneyland with our families: mine, Dee's and Tom's. Tom came with his wife and young daughter. Yep. Dee's little sister also turned 5 last week and this was her first trip to Disneyland as well. My little Boo had the best time riding rides and getting her face painted with her new friend Sassypants. It was like we went full circle.

So thank you Dee. For being my BFF for 25 years. For putting up with my crazy, for loving me even when I lose the train tickets, for sharing your amazing family with me, and for being the wind beneath my wings. I love you!

And thank you Tom. For being such a big part of my life. You're one of my heroes. Goofy hat and all.

Should old aquaintance be forgot...

2011-01-02T15:34:00.006-07:00

Hello Lovers! And Happy New Year to each and every one of your sweet little faces!

I know last year I complained that 2009 just flew by, but holy buckets 2010 was a flash! I'm still kind of in shock over how quickly everything came and went, aren't you? And if you still have your Christmas tree up, let me hear a hellz yeah!

*crickets*

Seriously? I am the only one? I think some of us are lying.

So where do I begin?? 2010 was an amazing year. And when I say amazing, I mean it didn't suck. At all. I started the year with two resolutions:

1. Get a new job
2. Lose some chub

And guess what?? We have success, people!!

The new job is good. Not something I want to do forever, but definitely a million steps out of HELL and towards more opportunities in the future. My new boss is awesome. She actually does her job. I mean WOW! She listens to me. She provides constructive feedback. Sometimes if I ask her a question, she says "I don't know the answer, but I will find out." And then guess what?? She actually finds out! She will follow up with me usually the same day to give me an answer. And even better, it's the real answer. Not just some crazy crap she made up because she was too lazy to find out the actual answer. And, I have not once heard her make a racist or insensitive remark. And she never rubs her boobs on the male members of the team. Never. I know, right? Huge improvement from last year! (I would, however, really like a different schedule because working Sundays sucks. Even though I can go in looking like a hot mess in track pants, sweatshirt and my sparkly silver Converse. But that is my only complaint.)

And as for losing the chub, slowly but surely baby. I have lost over 20 pounds since August. I feel so much better and I am down almost two whole sizes. Ideally I need to lose 40 more. And that is my goal. 40 more pounds before my birthday in September. Totally doable. Especially since my in-laws gave me a pretty sweet bike for Christmas. I just hope it doesn't make my butt look big.

So let's talk about our New Year's Resolutions, shall we? This is what I intend to accomplish this year:

1. Lose 40 pounds
2. Start Running!
3. Organize the office. No really. I'm gonna do it. Stop laughing. Gosh, you guys are so rude.
4. Take a class (probably a writing class, maybe a Lit class, but something fun).
5. Read one book a month.
6. Clear the Netflix queue.
7. Convince myself that laundry has a shelf-life and fold it within 24 hours of pulling it from the dryer. Seriously. Stop with the eye rolling and snickering. Yes I see you. I am really going to do this. I'm not going to share things with you guys anymore if this is how you act.
8. Write more. At least two posts a week.
9. Stop rolling my eyes at my husband.
10. Work on being more empathetic. Because apparently I am not. At all. And I had no idea.

More about that and some other discoveries of 2010 in my next post. Happy New Year my fair readers! I am looking forward to hanging with you in 2011!

Are you going to dip it in yogurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons??

2010-12-21T15:14:00.005-07:00

The holidays can be really stressful on a marriage. You're spending a bunch of money, trying to juggle time to spend with extended families, etc. Plus one of you is always doing more than the other. One person does the majority of the shopping and wrapping and baking and preparing, am I right? All of this added stress can be really difficult on an otherwise happy marriage, don't you agree?

Uberman and I have the same argument every year. And this year I am just not sure we are going to work it out. So I need your help in resolving this. Seriously. I want your opinions. Because I know you all will agree with me that he is flat out dead wrong.

In the movie Love Actually, Alan Rickman's character Harry is married to Karen, played by Emma Thompson, but he has this flirtatious relationship with his skanky assistant Mia, which Karen witnessed at the office Christmas party. A few days later, after a provocative conversation with Mia, Harry ends up buying the skank a necklace for Christmas, which Karen finds in a pocket as she is hanging up his coat and excitedly assumes it is for her. Are you following me so far?

(I guess I should warn you that if you have never seen the movie there are some spoilers ahead. And also, I am not sure we can be friends anymore.)

So on Christmas Eve, the family gathers around the tree to open one gift each, and Karen chooses a small square present from Harry that is the same size as the box she found in his pocket. She is devastated when the gift turns out to be a Joni Mitchell CD and not the necklace. She excuses herself to her bedroom and has a little cry as she tries to decide whether or not to confront her husband about her suspicions he is having an affair. The whole scene is very sad.

Now here is where I need your help. Do you think Karen had the right to be sad and devastated that she did not receive the necklace? Or do you think she was jumping to conclusions about her husband's infidelity? Uberman argues that A) the purchase of a necklace is not confirmation of an affair (even though later we see skanky slut face Mia climbing out of her bed in bra and panties and wearing the necklace) and B) how does she know the necklace is not still wrapped under the tree waiting for her?

I know. Can you even believe his nerve?? He could not be more wrong. We KNOW Harry gave Mia the necklace because we see the skanky slutty mcwhore wearing it. And we KNOW he didn't buy two and there isn't one under the tree for Karen. But he argues that we know that because we are the omnipresent viewer. Karen does not know. She is just making assumptions. Which I argue are correct. But he says she is just being a big baby. And I say she is trusting her intuition, as she should. Because as women, we always know.

I know, right?? The guy has some balls. I mean he is just sooooo wrong here it completely infuriates me. And the only reason he won't accept the fact that Harry is a cheating dirtbag (which HELLO! He is!! We see it later!!), is because he is hoping some day to meet Alan Rickman and have him record his greeting on his voicemail. Maybe his chances are greater if he stands in solidarity with Alan that his character is being unfairly accused. Whatever.

Regardless, this is causing a major rift in our marriage. We may need to seek counselling.

So what do you think? Without the knowledge of whom the necklace was intended for, did Karen have the right to be upset? Is Harry a jerkface liar? Is Mia a nasty disease ridden trampy whore husband stealer? And more importantly, is Uberman just straight up WRONG??

You are welcome to comment as anonymous. Unless you disagree with me and then you better straight up give me your name address and phone number so I can come egg your front door and key your car.

A few things you might not know...

2010-12-08T22:19:00.001-07:00

If I were 20 years younger I would have my nose pierced. I'd get one of those teeny tiny studs you can barely see. Just because I think it looks cool. And I would have bright blue or hot pink streaks in my hair.

Even though I am still working on losing some chub, I like my body a whole lot more now than I did when I was in my twenties. And I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

I ate three cookies today.

I used to color my hair red. It was hideous.

I love artichokes.

I think the Buffalo Chicken Pizza at Mellow Mushroom is a gift straight from God.

I like to turn the radio off in my car when I am all alone and ride in silence.

My ten year old taught me how to use my iPod Touch. Before that I had no idea how to turn the stupid thing off and couldn't figure out why my battery kept dying so soon.

I don't like to drink coffee during a meal. Coffee is a stand alone beverage.

I don't talk about my dad as much as I do my mom, but he is my hero. I would not be who I am today if it were not for him. He is an amazing man and if you don't know him you are missing out.

I love cooking but my picky family takes the fun out of it.

I love office supplies but I am the most unorganized person in the world.

My desk at home is such a mess, you can't see the top of it. My desk at work is so immaculate it looks like no one sits there.

I need a new work schedule. I go to work in the dark and I come home in the dark. I didn't sign up to be a vampire.

I'm still watching Grey's Anatomy.

I'm going to Disneyland in January and I can hardly wait.

I want a puppy but Uberman says no way Jose.

Major shit hit the fan for us this week and surprisingly I am not worried. I know everything will work out and that some things are just meant to be. I trust my husband.

The Secret about Victoria

2010-12-03T05:00:00.004-07:00

Will any of you be uncomfortable if I talk about underwear for a minute? No? Okay good. I didn't think so since we are BFF and all.

So I like to buy my bras at Victoria's Secret. I know, they are expensive. But honestly, they make the girls look good. You know what I'm sayin'? And I need the girls to look good. Because they are sad and depressed and not looking anyone in the eye these days. So my friend Victoria helps them keep their, um, spirits . . . up. Or something like that.

Anyways. My only issue with Vickie and her secrets, is that I am pretty sure she discriminates against the big girls. And when I say girls I don't mean boobs this time. I mean actual girls. Ladies. Women. Women who may not be the size of Heidi Klum and all her cronies, but still want to feel sexy in their chonies. I personally have always loved to wear cutesie bras and panties because I can't wear everything I want.

So the other day Ubes and I were out shopping for our monkeys and I went into Victoria's Secret to check out the goods for my goods. I found a bra that I wanted and noticed they were having a buy one get one half off sale. I turned to find a sales associate to ask which bras were part of the sale, but I couldn't get one to look my way and I felt it was inappropriate to scream across the store "Hey! Is this bra included in the sale or what?"

I expressed my frustration to Ubes. "See, this store pisses me off every time I come in here. I always have a hard time finding someone willing to help me."

"Why?" Ubes asked.

"Honestly? I think because I'm not Victoria's Secret model material."

"What?" He was skeptical.

"I really don't think this store is "Big Girl" friendly. Look at the sizes they have on display. They are all the small sizes. The bigger sizes are in the drawers below." I pointed to the drawer to emphasize my point. "And they only go up to a size 38. Don't you think someone bigger than a 38 wants to wear sexy bras?"

I forget Ubes doesn't know what a 38 is. But seriously, just because a woman is not a 34B or a 36C, it doesn't mean she doesn't want or deserve to feel pretty. Right? And I think it's funny that I have such a hard time finding my size, which I am not embarrassed to tell you is a 38C (I've been measured, dude, I know it's accurate), because obviously a whole lot of 38C's are beating me to the drawers and buying up all the "Big Girl" bras.

But whatever.

And I think as I stood there waiting and looking for someone to help me, Uberman still thought maybe I was being a little too sensitive... Until....

A very nice sales associate finally approached me and asked if I needed some assistance. She was like me, older and single digit size challenged. I pictured her to be a happy mother of teenage boys with a dog and a husband who likes to go camping. I don't know why. These are the things that go through my mind in split seconds, people. I realize I may need medication, but the imagination is what keeps life exciting.

Anyhoots. (Ha! Get it?? Hoots?!?!? I crack myself up!) Nice Sales Lady tried to help me find an amazing black and white lace bra that was out of stock (bummer) and then helped me to a dressing room with my other choices. As I stood in the dressing room trying on bras, every girl's favorite weekend activity, I overheard another associate talking to Nice Sales Lady.

"Shawna, are you helping the woman in this dressing room?" she asked. I could see her black boots below my door and I knew I was the only one in a dressing room at the time.

"Yes," said Shawna.

"Oh good," said the other associate. "Because you probably understand more about her . . . um . . . sizes and stuff."

Excuse me?

I am sorry but what is there to understand about my size? Being a 38C does not qualify me as some kind of special needs. It's not like I have three boobs instead of two, right? I mean when did being a 38C mean you were an elephant?

Seriously, I don't want to jump up on my soap box and champion the rights of the plus size folk everywhere, but give me a break!

And I hate that term "plus size." What does that even mean? Plus what? A bigger ass?

I'm just saying that I am sick of being looked down on or excluded or whatever because my body isn't smaller. I'm not lazy. I'm not unhealthy and anyone would be envious of my amazingly low cholesterol level. My size just so happens to be in the double digits. Sue me.

But here's an interesting fact: I like me. I think I am pretty much awesome. And I think most people who take the time to look past my droopy 38C's enjoy having me as a friend. Yeah I wish I were thinner. I wish my thighs weren't so jiggly and I felt more comfortable in a sleeveless top. And I'm working on it. But I'm working on it for me. Not because I am worried about what anyone thinks. Despite my lack of perfections, I am happy with the person I see in the mirror. Because she is nice. She is funny and charming and compassionate and full of life.

And her husband thinks she is pretty sexy with or without the help of Victoria and her secrets.

So take that Vickie. I for one will be finding a new place to buy my undergarments. And you just lost a Facebook friend. Hurts, doesn't it?

My European Adventure - Part IV: Brussels

2010-12-02T09:31:00.002-07:00

So after the Great Train Ticket Debacle, we arrived in Brussels around 4:00 in the late afternoon.
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In the months before our trip, Uberman and I watched a million travel shows on Brussels. It looked so quaint and charming. The cobblestone streets, the old buildings, the store fronts selling waffles and chocolates. And the beer! We could not wait to try the beer. It was like we went to Berlin and Amsterdam for the history and culture, but we went to Brussels to eat and drink. I mean really, what else is there to do there?
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But Brussels is like the Washington DC of Europe. The European Union is there, as well as NATO. So I was expecting this fancy, cosmopolitan city full of nothing but interesting business people and rich tourists.
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Sometimes I can be so stupid.
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The moment we stepped out of the train station, I realized how naive I was. There were a lot of young guys standing around, between the ages of maybe 15 and 19, watching people as they left the train station to find buses or taxis or whatever. I immediately felt uncomfortable and Kenny and Ubes started reminding me and Dee to make sure our backpacks were closed. Although it was only a little after 4:00, it was already getting dark and we wondered how long we would have to stand there waiting for our bus.
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A bus approached, but it was going the opposite direction from where we needed to go. And just as it stopped, one of the kids near the station entrance ran up to a woman standing behind us, grabbed the necklace off of her neck and ran across the street to get on that bus.
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We stood there in shock. The woman calmly pulled out her cell phone and began making a call. No one did anything to help her. No one ran after the boy. No one even stopped to ask if she was okay. And being American tourists with our arms full of luggage, we felt powerless and vulnerable. I felt sick. But honestly, that's all part of travelling. It's just so shocking when it happens right in front of you.
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One hour and an interesting bus ride later, we had checked into our hotel and were back out looking for a place to eat. We ended up in a cozy little corner restaurant near the Grand Place.

After a dinner of mussels, frites and Kriek beer, we walked around the little streets surrounding the Grand Place and then had drinks at the Delirium Cafe (below), before going back to the hotel.
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The next morning went back to the Grand Place for a tour of the brewers guild museum.

Then we did some shopping, and a whole lot more eating and drinking.
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It was amazing. Despite our initial introduction to the city, Brussels was lovely. The people were so friendly and so eager to talk to us. Although they speak both French and Flemmish, everyone spoke English as well. We never really had any communication issues. I would do a few things differently next time, like not lose the train tickets, stay in a hotel closer to the Grand Place and skip the frites with mayonnaise (although the frites were devine, the mayo on top was totally gross and not worth the extra calories).

I only wish we had more time to spend ~~eating~~ in this beautiful city.

The Grand Place was definitely my favorite. I loved how it looked completely different during the day and at night.

And of course, I loved everyone's favorite attraction in Brussels, Mannekin Pis.

I would love to go back to Brussels. And I will. Because those waffles were AMAZING.

My European Adventure - Part III: The Train Ticket Story

2010-11-23T11:35:00.006-07:00

So who wants to hear the train ticket story?? Some of you have had the absolute pleasure of hearing me tell this story in person, so please feel free to skip this post if you want. But this story is so awesome, I am betting most of you will sit through it again....

Are we ready? Nice and comfy?

Okay, so you know how we took the train from Berlin to Amsterdam? Well we also planned to take the train from Amsterdam to Brussels 3 days later. As soon as we got off the train in Amsterdam, Dee and I booked it to the ticket counter to purchase the tickets to Brussels. We were at a smaller train station, the Amsterdam Zuid, so the ticket counter was just a little booth with two men inside. Dee and I entered in a whirlwind tizzy, dragging our suitcases behind us.

We explained to the attendant that we needed four tickets to Brussels for Thursday. Ubes and I had purchased the tickets to Amsterdam for all four of us, so Dee was going to pay for the tickets to Brussels. Except she had a limited amount of cash and the guy behind the counter said we could not pay with a credit card. The tickets were 160 Euro, so Dee and I split it and agreed to work out the details later.

I watched Ticket Guy put two pieces of paper in a red envelope and slide it across the counter to me. I grabbed the envelope and walked out, leaving Dee at the counter waiting for her tickets. I handed the red envelope to Ubes, asking him to put it in my backpack so I wouldn't lose them.

Fast forward three days.... We got up early Thursday morning. We planned to check out of the hotel, grab a quick breakfast and head to the train station to catch the next train to Brussels. According to Ticket Guy, a train left every hour. So before we went down to the lobby to check out, I went through my checklist: Passport, wallet, iPod, camera . . . train tickets.

I pulled the red envelope out of my backpack for the first time since I purchased the tickets. I opened the envelope and pulled out the two pieces of paper.

Wait a minute.

What is this?

These do not look like train tickets. They look like a photocopy of . . . something that sort of looks like a train ticket. All of the train tickets I have ever had before looked like boarding passes for an airplane. The same size, color, etc. This looked nothing like the train tickets I was used to.

Hmmmmm....

I opened the envelope again. Empty.

I opened my Kipling backpack and peered into it. I started pulling out everything. Magazines, brochures of museums, my travel wallet, camera case, my jewelry pouch, the clear cosmetic bag I used for chapstick, tylenol, hand sanitizer and gum, my book. I opened up all the magazines and shook them out, then did the same for the museum brochures, I sorted through receipts, scrap papers, napkins, etc. I went through my wallet, too.

Nothing. No train tickets.

I went through my suitcase, pulled everything out and sorted through our travel books and all the documents we brought with us with all of our flight and hotel info. Nothing.

I asked Uberman if he had opened the envelope and he said no. He had put it in my backpack and that was the last he had seen it. I sat on the floor of our hotel room thinking. I started feeling sick to my stomach. I had never opened the red envelope. It had been sitting in my backpack in the room since we arrived. I walked three doors down the hall to Kenny and Dee's room and knocked on the door.

Dee answered quickly. "We are almost ready," she said. "We'll meet you in the lobby."

"Is this what your train tickets look like?" I asked her and showed her the pieces of paper I had.

"I haven't looked at them," she said. "I have to find my envelope. I honestly thought you had all of them."

"No," I told her. "I only got mine. I thought he gave you yours separately in another envelope."

"I don't remember," she said. "I'm sure I have them. I'll dig them out and show them to you in the lobby."

I walked back to our room. Something wasn't right. I could feel it.

Ubes and I went down to the lobby, where I proceeded to argue with the girl at the front desk about a 30 Euro telephone charge we did not make. Finally she agreed to remove the charge from our bill, and I had the great big giant coconut balls to pull out the red envelope and ask "Can I ask you a question? Do these look like train tickets to you??"

Front Desk girl looked at the photo copies and immediately made a face.

"No," she said, her Dutch accent was faint. "Those are not tickets. They are photocopy of receipts for reservation."

Shit.

Dee came into the lobby with a panicked look on her face. "I don't have a red envelope, April," she told me. "I looked everywhere. I don't think he gave me one." We had been teasing Dee the entire trip about her George Costanza wallet. It was stuffed so fat with papers and receipts. We had watched her go through it a million times trying to find her public transport tickets that she thought she had lost every time we were getting on a subway or bus. I rolled my eyes at her thinking to myself "Oh my God this girl loses EVERYTHING!"

I looked back at Front Desk girl. "What do you think we should do? We purchased tickets, I don't think he gave them to us."

"Do you have your credit card receipt?" she asked.

"No," I said. "He said we had to pay cash."

She immediately made a face that made my heart fall into my stomach.

"That's very odd," she told me. "I don't understand why you had to pay cash."

"Great," Dee said. "He screwed us!"

"No," I said. I was getting irritated. "Let's stay positive. We'll figure this out. We have to."

Front Desk girl spent about ten minutes trying to make phone calls for us, but couldn't get any answers. Finally she advised us to go to Centraal Station, the main station in Amsterdam and plead our case to the Euro Rail people.

"We didn't purchase the tickets at Centraal Station," Deanna told her. "We purchased them at Zuid."

"Centraal is bigger," Front Desk girl said. "You might have more luck getting help because there are more agents there."

"And if they can't help us?" I asked.

Front Desk girl looked at us and shook her head. "Then I am sorry. You might be fucked."

I looked at Dee with my eyes wide. "Did she just say . . ."

"Yes," Dee nodded. "She said we are fooooked."

Kenny and Ubes were sitting in the lobby shaking their heads. I could tell we were all on edge about his, all of us worrying we had been taken advantage of. Ubes and Dee both wanted to go back to Zuid because that's where we purchased the tickets, but I thought Front Desk girl might know what she was talking about and insisted we go to Centraal Station because it was bigger. So off we went, the four of us, again dragging our suitcases behind as we rushed off to catch a tram to Centraal Station.

Centraal Station is huge. Enormous. Busy and full of people. We were directed to the Euro Rail area and were still stunned to walk into a GINORMOUS waiting area where we were given a ticket and told to have a seat until our number was called. It was basically just like the DMV. Fifty million people waiting around for their number to pop up on TV screen. They were on number A34. Our ticket was C53. Awesome.

We sat for what seemed like forever, but was more like 45 minutes. Finally our number popped up and Dee and I rushed to the counter with our number flashing above it.

The woman at the counter stood in front of us, sipping a cup of coffee and looking totally uninterested as we showed her the red envelope and told her our story.

"Why did you pay cash?" she asked between gulps.

"He told us we had to," I told her. She rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.

"Why didn't you check the envelope before you left the station?"

"I didn't know to do that, ma'am. I am sorry but we don't travel by train in America. We have never had this problem before. I saw him put these slips of paper in the envelope and I just trusted he did his job." I was doing my best to hold it together. To stay positive and to stay polite.

She rolled her eyes again and sighed heavily. "Wait here," she snapped. And walked off.

"She's not going to help us," Dee said. "I mean look at her. She doesn't care. She's more interested in her coffee."

We waited. And waited. And waited. Finally she came back.

"I'm sorry," she said. "You have to go back to Zuid."

Dee glared at me.

"Ma'am," I took a deep breath. "We have to go back to our husbands and tell them we have wasted our entire morning and now have to go back to Zuid. When they originally wanted to go to Zuid but we were told you could help us here because there were more ticket agents. Please promise this is going to end in our favor."

She smiled at me, finally showing a touch of empathy. "I'm sorry. But they sold you the tickets, they are the only people who can figure out what happened to them. I am not sure if they will be able to help you, but because you didn't buy the tickets here, there isn't anything else we can do for you. They are waiting, they know you are coming."

Ubes and Kenny were PISSED. And everyone was losing faith this situation was going to end without us shelling out more money for more tickets. We rode the Metro in silence to Zuid. I felt nervous and sick, but still wanted to believe we could work this out. When we arrived at the ticket counter, I was so excited to see Ticket Guy, the same ticket guy, already waiting for us.

"Hi!" I called to him. "You sold us tickets on Monday, to Brussels. Do you remember us?"

"Yes, of course," he said. He looked nervous. We explained the issue to him, that we did not have the tickets, that we didn't think he put them in the envelope. He went through his process for us.

"I print the tickets and then I staple them to the receipt. I fold them together and stick them in the envelope," he said.

"We don't have anything that looks like a ticket," Dee told him. "What does a ticket look like?"

He picked one up from his work station. It was a small gold colored card, about the size of a credit card, maybe a little bigger. I had never seen anything in all of my belongings that looked like that.

"We don't have them," I said, shaking my head. "And there are no staple marks in the receipt." He pulled a report to make sure he printed the tickets. The report indicated the tickets had been printed. He made some phone calls to see if loose tickets had been turned in anywhere.

"Can't you just reprint the tickets?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I am sorry. That is not a possibility." We were starting to get upset. Frustrated. Irritated. A supervisor came over to find out what all the fuss was about. He explained to her in Dutch that were stupid and were accusing him of swindling us. I don't know if that is what he really said, but I don't speak Dutch so I am just guessing.

She turned to us and made some snippy comment about them not being responsible if we lost the tickets. By this point I was pissed.

"We didn't lose the tickets," I glared at her. "You didn't give them to us."

Kenny jumped up and turned to Ticket Guy.

"Sir," he said in his nicest Reasonable Guy voice. "She has looked through all of her stuff. We don't have the tickets. We have spent the entire morning trying to deal with this. We had our hotel calling for us. We went to Centraal Station and waited there, they sent us back here. We would not be wasting your time and our time and our entire day if we had the tickets. Please. Is there anything you can do?"

Ticket Guy got on the phone again and started speaking Dutch. Dee, Kenny and I crowded at the counter watching him. Ubes sat in a chair with his head in his hands. The minutes ticked by. It was almost 1:00 in the afternoon. We had wasted our entire day dealing with this. Ticket Guy kept talking on the phone, waving his hands and looking frustrated.

"I don't think he is going to be able to help us," I said. "We are going to have to buy our tickets again. And now they are a lot more money."

"April, you checked your backpack, right?" Kenny asked.

"Yes!" I snapped at him. "I emptied the whole thing. I don't have them."

"Maybe you should check again," Kenny said.

"Ken! I checked it!" I was totally exasperated.

Kenny looked at me and said firmly, "Check it again. Please."

I rolled my eyes and stalked away, exhaling loudly. I threw my backpack on the chair next to Ubes and shot Kenny a dirty look as I opened it. I started pulling everything out. My wallet, camera, magazines, cosmetic bag. The only thing left at the bottom was my book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Have you seen the paperback version of this book? It's yellow.

Almost goldish.

The color of train tickets.

And if there had not been a light, directly over my head, shining down into the depths of my black Kipling backpack . . . I never would have seen the light reflecting off the tiny corners of four gold train tickets sticking out of the book.

I stood. Frozen. Staring down into the backpack.

Briefly contemplating whether or not I should just throw everything back into the backpack and say "Nope. Don't have them."

But Ubes, sitting next to me, immediately reacted to my silence. He looked up at me, and he knew. He could see my face was completely white.

"Son of a bitch," he said quietly as he put his head back in his hands.

I reached into the backpack and pulled the tickets out of my book. I held them above my head and looked sheepishly over at Ken and Dee. Ken just turned around and wouldn't look at me. Dee looked like she was going to bust a gasket.

"Get over here!" she yelled through clenched teeth. In the 25 years I have known her, I have never seen her so angry. Kenny took a deep breath, banged his fist on the counter and said quietly, "Let's go."

He grabbed his suitcase and walked out of the ticket area, Dee and Ubes following him, me sulking behind them.

Ticket Guy followed us out the door breathing a huge sigh of relief.

"I am so happy you found them!" he said, wiping sweat from his brow. "I didn't know how to tell you you would have to buy new tickets." We all talked over each other, apologizing.

"I'm so, so very sorry," I told him, blinking back my tears. "I am so embarrassed. Really. Humiliated. They must have fallen out of the envelope and slipped into my book. I don't know. I am just really, really sorry."

"It's no problem," he laughed. "I am just so relieved. I felt so badly for you. Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

We laughed, all of us in shock that he was being so kind to us after all of that. We politely declined his offer and asked him to direct us to the next train. Then we hauled ass to the boarding area.

I was devastated. Embarrassed. I wanted the floor to swallow me whole. I could not believe what I had just put everyone through. Especially after I INSISTED I did NOT have the tickets. We stood in silence, waiting to board the train as I contemplated throwing myself in front of it. We got on the train, and to my horror, discovered we were sitting in a foursome of seats with a table in the middle, two sets of seats facing each other. Awesome. No avoiding them. Super.

We sat down, taking off coats and scarves and digging out reading material and iPods. Ubes leaned back and closed his eyes, Dee started flipping through a magazine, and I stared out the window, feeling like a complete moron. I was exhausted and humiliated. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. Kenny reached across the table and took my hands.

"Sweetie," he said. "Tell me the exact thing that went through your mind the moment you saw the tickets in your bag. Walk me through everything that you felt." He smiled his big smile at me, sticking his tongue out a little so I knew he was teasing me.

"It's too soon Kenny," I shook my head and sniffled. "I don't want to talk about it."

All three of them giggled a bit. Dee waved her hand absently at me as she flipped pages in her magazine. "Aw, it was no big deal," she said. "It could have happened to any of us."

Five minutes before, they wanted to kill me. And now it was funny and no big deal. But it wasn't funny to me.

It's hilarious now. But I was the only one not laughing then. But we are family. One minute we want to kill each other . . . and the next we are on a train to Belgium talking about waffles and beer and how lucky we are to be on such an adventure together.

But needless to say I'm not allowed to hold the train tickets anymore....

My European Adventure - Part II: Amsterdam

2010-11-19T15:52:00.011-07:00

We arrived in Amsterdam Monday afternoon after a 6 hour train ride. I was completely overwhelmed by this city as soon as we left the train station. The traffic, the bicyclers, the amount of people.... It was a lot to take in all at once.

I guess I had just pictured quiet little canal streets like this:

And to be fair, there were plenty of those. But I wasn't prepared for how congested the city was. I mean as soon as you step off the train there are sights and sounds . . . and smells.... It can be overstimulating to an exhausted traveller.

Our hotel was located in Leidseplein, which is a busy and lively area. We got a little lost trying to find it at first, which is very easy to do, so wandering aimlessly, dragging my luggage behind, was not making me feel less anxious. But needless to say, we found the hotel, got checked in and immediately went back out to explore our new city.

We spent the afternoon and early evening wandering the streets, walking in and out of shops, and of course, trying to avoid death by bicycler. We ended the night with a stroll through the red light district. Which in all honesty, was no big deal. Just a bunch of slightly unattractive older women sitting in a window in their underwear looking bored and underwhelmed. I personally think most of them could use a Zig Ziglar course in effective sales techniques, but whatever.

The next day we visited the Anne Frank House, the Dutch Resistance Museum and the Jewish History Museum. I have wanted to see the Anne Frank House since I was 13 years old. Although it was a very moving experience being there, and reading everything her father Otto went through to open the Museum in her honor, I was a little disappointed in the bookstore. The store carried the Diary of Anne Frank in every possible language, as well as other versions of the story, including a comic book. Really? A comic book? I don't know. It just felt icky.

My favorite by far was the Jewish History Museum. I loved every single thing about this amazing place. It walked you through a history of the religion and explained the persecution these people have gone through for thousands of years. I am so fascinated by other cultures and religions, so this museum really spoke to me. But Uberman said we could not convert because of that teeny tiny detail about believing Jesus is the son of God. Bummer.

Regardless, I think everyone should live by the words above. Your life should have meaning. Make each moment count. And do your part to make the world a better place. These words stuck with me. Our last day in Amsterdam was spent touring the Heineken Museum and walking along the canals.

And looking at all of the bicycles...

And admiring the architecture...

When we first arrived, I think I judged Amserdam too harshly. I was so overwhelmed, I allowed the chaos to cloud my view of this city. But it was beautiful. My favorite part was walking along the canals at night. I loved how peaceful and elegant this crazy, bustling town became.

I am sad we missed out on the amazing art museums this city had to offer. But we'll go back... Some day....

My Eurpoean Adventure - Part I: Berlin

2010-11-18T12:09:00.016-07:00

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of seeing the world. I would sit on the floor of my room paging through a world atlas, looking at all the countries I wanted to visit. I spent hours reading about the history and different cultures. I made lists. Lists upon lists upon lists of cities and sights. Of foods that I would try. Of souvenirs I would buy. I could hardly stand it.
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My great aunt Rosie was a fortune teller. She used to read our palms when we were little. We would sit around her feet, my cousins and I, and hold our palms out to her and beg her to tell us about our futures. I'll never forget her holding my hand in her hers, tracing a line in my palm with her long red fingernail. She would look at me and smile as she squeezed my hand in hers.

"You are going to travel the world, my girl," she said. "You are going to have many adventures. And you will marry a man who loves you with his whole heart."

Now that I am a grown up, I am not sure if she was just telling me what she thought I needed to hear, or what she really believed to be true. But her words have stayed with me for my entire life. And I think about her every time I am standing in front of one of the many sights I couldn't wait to see.

A few weeks ago, the man who loves me with his whole heart took me on an exciting adventure to Berlin, Amsterdam and Brussels.

The funny thing is, never in a million years did I ever want to go to Berlin. I thought it was like the Detroit of Europe. And I mean no offense to anyone from the greater Detroit area. I just mean that I always envisioned it to be depressing. Growing up during the time when communism was the overwhelming threat of the world, the images we saw of Berlin were the wall, armed soldiers and sad people. It just looked so grey and industrial.

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Needless to say, Berlin surprised me. In the absolute best of ways.

Does this look depressing, grey and industrial? No. I think not.

We arrived on a Friday morning and stayed until Monday. We spent three nights at Pension Peters. The hotel was amazing. It was more like a bed and breakfast. Each room was "pristine clean" as Kenny says, and the whole place had a comfortable, homey feel. Breakfast came with price of the room, and it was always delicious. The location could not have been more perfect. We were within walking distance of the main shopping street, Kuhrfürstendam, or KuDam as the locals call it.
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This street was full of fabulous shops and cafes, and of course chic, beautiful people. Europe is supposedly experiencing many of the same economic troubles we are here in America. We saw no evidence of this on the KuDam. It was a whole bunch of ooh la la's.

On Saturday we took a walking tour of the major historical sites of the city. We saw the Berliner Dom . . .

the Reichstag (German Parliament)(and FYI, the dome is clear at the top to give you not only a beautiful view of the city, but also a view into the main hall of parliament. It is a reminder to the people of Germany to keep an eye on their government leaders) . . .

Humboldt University (Albert Einstein taught here, and also the site where the Nazis burned more than 20,000 books in 1933. Now there is a used book sale every weekend across the street at one of the other university buildings) . . .

Checkpoint Charlie (I was so disappointed in this. I thought it was real, but it's not. It's all for show and all touristy. They should just take it down instead of leaving it as such a joke). . .

the Wall . . .

the site of Hitler's bunker (I can understand why they didn't keep the bunker, but build apartments and a parking lot on top of it?). . .

the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe (the bottom picture is my favorite. I loved how peaceful it was inside the memorial and how every block was a different size and none of them were perfect. Deep inside the memorial you felt very alone, but you could always see there was a way out. I'm not one of those people who appreciates modern art, but the meaning behind this memorial was so moving. . .)

and the Brandenburg Gate.

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Sunday we took off on our own and explored Potsdamer Platz, the Pergamon Museum and the German Historical Museum. I think this was my favorite day. We just kind of walked around on our own time schedule and took in everything there was to see...

Coming from a city with no change of seasons, this was breathtaking. I loved the smell of the leaves and the way they crunched under my feet. If this is what fall looks like to you, you are so lucky.
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.This is me (on the right) and Dee (on the left) walking along the river Spree to Museum Island. It was cold but we were so happy to see the beautiful fall colors.

Berlin was amazing and my most favorite city of the three we visited. Walking back to the hotel Sunday night, I felt sad that we were leaving so soon. I absolutely can't wait to go back.

I left a little piece of my heart Unter Den Linden.

This is what happens when you ask a total stranger to take your picture on the Pergamon Altar so you can scratch it off your Bucket List...

2010-11-11T15:02:00.003-07:00

Sigh.

Guess who's on vacay???

2010-11-02T13:10:00.003-07:00

So I totally planned on doing NaBloPoMo again this year and I blew it. But I have a good excuse. I am currently in Amsterdam!!

We left 10/28 for Berlin and were there for three days before moving on to Amsterdam on 11/1. Day after tomorrow we head to Brussels. We are having an incredible time with Dee and Kenny. The "that's what she said" count is in the high thirties and I have only almost peed my pants four times.

In other news, I have lots of items to check off my bucket list. I feel very lucky. And lucky to be alive. Amsterdam is a straight up freakshow, y'all. I have almost died at least 7 times. No joke. Either by train, crazy bicycle rider, freakishly steep-ass stair cases, or abnormally uneven cobblestone streets. I am certain I will meet my death in one embarrassing way or another.

And even worse, I'll die with bad hair. The weather in Amsterdam is drizzly and cold. My fine, limp hair is not amused. And I feel frumpy enough. The women here are beautiful!

Oh and did I tell you I almost slipped on a used condom in the park? Yeah. That happened. Totally want to burn my new boots. And possibly even my feet. At least the bottoms. They'll heal, right?

I promise to upload photos when I get home. I can't do it now because I am stupid and don't know how. Oh how I wish I were kidding.

All Growed Up

2010-10-14T04:29:00.004-07:00

Junior: Well, I officially lost my last baby tooth today.
Me: Aw, buddy. That's sad.
Junior: Why? It didn't hurt. It has been loose for a while.
Me: No, it's sad that it was your last tooth.
Junior: Oh.
Me: Where is it?
Junior: I threw it in the trash.
Me: What? What about the tooth fairy?
Junior: Oh please. I'm not a baby anymore, Mom.
Me: But what about the money she leaves you?
Junior: You could just hand it to me. Or give me stock certificates.

Security

2010-10-10T05:16:00.002-07:00

I see him almost every morning. He's there as early as 4:45 some days. His bright green or baby blue Tom Cruise in Risky Business Ray-Bans clash with his dull brown security uniform. But no matter how early it is, how hot it is, or how many cars are lined up waiting for him, he is always smiling.

And no matter how tired I am, how weary, how grumpy to be up so early in the morning, he always gets me to smile back.

That has to be a sucky job, wouldn't you think? Standing there in a hot parking lot with no shade, checking badges as hundreds of crabby employees wait to get waved into the parking lot. I mean having to wear that ugly uniform is bad enough, right?

But still. There he is, smiling away. Looking all of us right in the eyes and wishing us a good morning. Despite the astounding monotony of his job, he still finds joy. He still brings joy.

I envy him. I aspire to be like him. His positive attitude reminds me every day to be thankful, to always give it my best, and to allow my actions to make a difference for someone.

And of course, to always accessorize.

Freaks

2010-10-04T07:00:00.005-07:00

For some reason, I lost my mind last week and agreed to come in to work at 5:00 AM for the next two weeks. I know, right? That means I am getting up at 3:30 in the morning. 3:30. That is the middle of the night. But it's just two weeks. Right? Hello? Someone please make me feel better about my psychosis.

So do you guys want to hear about the weirdness I encountered yesterday? I stopped at Circle K for my morning ~~dose of heroin~~ refreshing and economical diet beverage. Now keep in mind it is before the butt crack of dawn, right? And it's a Sunday.

So I am standing in line behind this guy. He's older, maybe late 40's or early 50's. He's tall. His hair is a little disheveled but it is early in the morning on a Sunday so who the hell am I to judge another person's grooming, right? He's buying a 44 ounce beverage, a coffee, a newspaper and a gallon of milk. Typical Sunday morning convenience store purchases.

But when he gets to the counter to pay, he also asks for a Penthouse magazine.

Wow. That's a little gross at 5:00 in the morning, right? On a Sunday? It's not just me, is it? I mean I guess I never thought of purchasing a nudie mag so early on the Lord's day, you know?And now I don't even want to know what's up with the gallon of milk.

Fast forward 15 minutes later, I am in the dark parking lot at work getting out of my car and guess who is walking into the building?

Penthouse with a side of milk.

Awkward.

He works here. In the same building. On Sundays.

And he wasn't carrying the milk. So I ask you friends. Where is the milk? What is up with that?

People are weird.

Oh yes. This totally happened.

2010-09-23T12:39:00.007-07:00

Let's start with a food confession: Tuesday night my dinner consisted of two Dogfish Head Punkin' Ales and a garlic bread stick. Hey stop judging me, I was totally within my points for Fat Camp. And in my own defense, pumpkin is totally a fruit. Hey I wonder what the fiber content is? I may have overestimated the point value....

The other night, Ubes and I were watching TV and there was a commercial on for toilet paper. You know the one with the cartoon bear? So the bear is sitting on the toilet singing before he wipes his youknowwhat and Ubes looks at me and says "I hate this commercial. Don't ever buy that toilet paper because this is just stupid. Who sings while they are wiping their ass?" Well hey guess what? Yesterday I went into the bathroom at work and there was a woman two stalls down humming quietly and singing while she was obviously working on a numero dos. So at least now we know the answer to Ubes' question.

Yesterday I also walked around for two minutes at work looking for my desk only to realize that I was in the wrong wing of the building.

For more than 24 hours this week I was being followed on Twitter by both Sea World and the Czech Republic. And just when I was completely convinced that I was kind of a big deal, they both quit following me. Maybe the Czech Republic thought I was an actual Queen. And maybe Sea World realized I am in fact not a whale, especially now that I am trying to lose weight. Bah Dum Bum. Ah, fat jokes at my own expense. I crack myself up! Either way, I got Twitter dumped by an entire country and an amusement park. But I'm pretty sure I am still kind of a big deal.

I'm totally, hopelessly, helplessly, head over heels hooked on Jersey Shore. I want to stop and I can't. I'm even following Snooki on Twitter. There. I admitted it. And now you know. I feel better, don't you?

Good news. Pumpkin is super high in fiber. I looked it up on the Google. Think I'll go drink another beer since it's so healthy. It must be 5:00 somewhere....

Change

2010-09-20T05:00:00.001-07:00

The other day I called home. I can't remember why, it doesn't really matter, but Junior answered the phone. We engaged in our usual witty chit chat and then he excitedly began telling me about his day. And as I listened to him, I heard something different. It was so subtle, I may have missed it if I had been preoccupied, but there it was.

Change.

His voice has taken on this ever so slight raspy quality. It's not a Peter Brady squeak, it's just this deeper undertone. It's there. And it took my breath away.

I've noticed a difference in him over the past few months. He's always been so mature anyway, but this is different. I've always said he was a 40 year old man trapped in a child's body, and I think the 40 year old man is trying to get out.

He's taller. Almost as tall as I am. I can't see the top of his head anymore when he asks me to help him tame his unruly curls. He's not as clumsy as he has been in the last few years. He walks taller, with more confidence. Almost graceful. He just doesn't seem like a kid anymore.

The other night he had just gotten out of the shower and he thrust his armpit in my face. "Look!" he said. "I'm getting hair under my arms!"

And then yesterday I was at work and he sent me a text message.

"Mom, when am I allowed to date? Because there is this girl that I like and I want to ask her before someone beats me to it."

Gasp.

What happened to my baby? Where is that blue eyed little boy with the dimples, who messed up my house with his hot wheels? The one who wore his Woody costume every day for an entire year? The one who used to splash in puddles and beg me to read Miss Spider books and watch Bob the Builder?

I miss that little boy. Where did he go?

As a mom I want so badly to cling to him. To keep him young and sweet and innocent. Friday afternoon I watched his face as he talked to me, I watched the way his eyes widened as he told a story, how the corner of his mouth turned up as he said something funny, and how his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed. Every once in a while I would see that little boy who used to live here.

And every once in a while I would glimpse the man who will be here soon.

And again, it took my breath away.

In response to "Inspiration"

2010-09-17T10:46:00.003-07:00

Dear Bill,

I want to run. I want to be like Lauren, signing up for half marathons and bad ass stuff like that.

I am down 9.5 pounds since August 9. I have had to fight tooth and nail for every ounce. It's not just falling off like it did when I was younger. (Oh those carefree days of experimenting with eating disorders. How I miss you.) I have so many more to go Bill.

It's so difficult and I hate it. Every. Damn. Minute.

And today I am really struggling with food. There's some stress going on around these parts and I feel the need to comfort myself with food that is bad for me. I want a red chili beef burrito from Carambas. Or Polla Con Queso from Ajo Al's. Or my mom's white trash potato casserole. Or my Aunt Vonna's boiled fudge cake. Or Thanksgiving.

And because I am fighting so hard for every ounce of weight, I want to give up.

But I don't.

Because I already feel better. 9.5 pounds is nothing compared to what I have to lose. (I'd like to lose 40 more.) But that 9.5 has given me more energy, more comfort in my clothes.

It's SO HARD. (That's what she said.) And I don't want to do it anymore.

But I do.

I have to. I have to get healthy.

And you have inspired me to get started. To keep going. Remember what you said to me on the phone that night? You said JUST DO IT. Just get out there and run. Take five steps today and 6 steps tomorrow.

So get your 189 pound ass out there at 5:00 in the morning and run. Because you are my Black Hockey Jesus and you're keeping me motivated. And my promise to you is the three days a week I don't have to be at work at 6:00 am, I will get my enormous ass out there and work my way up to running. I can't sleep in anymore anyway, might as well get outside and start ticking stuff off my bucket list.

And then someday, you, Lauren and I will run a half marathon together. Hell, I'll even come to Philly for it. And Uberman will watch the kids while we run and then we'll all go look at a Philly Cheesesteak and remember the good ole days when used to actually eat them.

Now I have to go. It's time for my snack. I'm gonna go eat a Fiber One bar and pretend it's a rice crispy treat.

With nothing but love and admiration,
April

Conservative

2010-09-14T18:05:00.003-07:00

My kids brought home permission slips so they could watch President Obama's speech today. After I signed Boo's slip, I tried handing it back to her and told her to put it in her backpack.

"Oh, no thank you," she said, shaking her head at me.

"No," I told her, "it's your permission slip to watch the President's speech tomorrow."

"I know," she said. "I don't want it."

"What do you mean? You need to turn it into your teacher. Put it in your backpack."

"I don't want to watch it," she said. "It sounds boring." And then she rolled her eyes. She's six.

I stared at her for minute. "So what do I tell your teacher?" I asked.

"I don't know," she shrugged her shoulders. "Tell her I'm a republican."

April in September

2010-09-10T18:28:00.004-07:00

My mother named me April, despite the fact I was not born in April, but because she liked the name. I think it set the precedent for my need to be unique.

I'm superstitious. I had breakfast with Erin and Brooke today and Erin complimented my clear skin. Tonight I got a zit on my chin. I blame Erin. It's like she blew my no hitter.

Fat Camp is making me grouchy. I'm hungry. I want pancakes. With peanut butter and maple syrup. And a side of bacon.

I think people should have to give you a reason for dropping you from Facebook or Twitter. "I didn't want to be your friend anymore because I got sick of you talking about how funny your kids were." Fine. I'm a big girl. I can take that. "I stopped following you because you are boring and never have anything interesting to say." Thank you. I accept that and you are absolutely right. See? Isn't that so much better than wondering if you pissed someone off?

My potty mouth has gotten progressively worse in the last year. I am not proud of this but sometimes bad words do make you feel better. And Jesus knows my heart so stop judging me.

I am pretty sure my new schedule is going to make my life so much more amazing. Four tens. Sunday through Wednesday. Thursdays and Fridays in the house all by myself?? Hello Heaven. You sure smell nice.

I have been reading a lot lately. I love books. I love the way they smell. The way the pages sound when you turn them. The weight of it in my hands when I'm curled up on the couch or in my bed. When I was in the 6th grade I read a story by Isaac Asimov. It took place in the future, like all his stories do. It was about a girl who had never seen a book. Everything was electronic. All books were on a miniature TV. I thought that was ridiculous. I couldn't even imagine a world without books. And now I am scared this story will come true. I've decided I don't want a Kindle or a Nook or any of those things. I'm staying old school and sticking with books.

I think God was preoccupied when He made me. First of all, I should have been born in England. Secondly, He gave me two different ears, so somewhere out there I have an indentical ear twin. And He forgot that Stacey, Sarah and Kara T. were supposed to be my little sisters. Also He failed to equip me with a filter and a fast metabolism. But I am not complaining. He is God after all. And I am sure He has a plan.

I can't parallel park. If the fate of the world is dependent on my ability to park downtown, we are all going to die.

On Tuesday I turned 39. I wore red high heels to work to celebrate the occasion. I'm okay with 39. And I'm not afraid of 40 either.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

2010-09-08T04:20:00.003-07:00

Congrats to KERRY!! She has won the $20 credit at Sassy Toppers!

Thank you so much for reading and for supporting Stacey and Sassy Toppers!

Kerry, please email me at aprilsreignblog at gmail dot com to claim your prize!

My first ever give away!!

2010-09-01T16:20:00.005-07:00

My girlfriend Stacey has started her own business, Sassy Toppers Bowtique. You guys need to check out these adorable, handmade hair bows for girls. Or for boys, if you swing that way. Whatevs.

And check out the April Clippie, named after yours truly. It's practically perfect in every way.

So here's what I am prepared to do. Because I love you so much. And especially because I love my girl Stacey. I am going to do a give away. YAY!! I really wish I could figure out a way to make confetti fly out of your computer screens. And hey guess what? When I first typed that previous sentence, I typed the word "spaghetti" instead of "confetti." Either way, that would be pretty impressive.

Anyhoots. Where was I? Oh, give away!

Here are the rules:

1. Never talk about Fight Club.

That's a joke. If you don't get it we can't be friends anymore.

Okay, this time for real. The rules:

1. Go to the Sassy Topper website, then come back and leave a comment telling me which bow is your fave. (You don't have to pick the April Clippie, but it may earn you some brownie points.)

2. Become a Sassy Topper Fan on Facebook. (If you already are, skip to rule three.)

3. Leave a comment on Sassy Topper's Facebook wall telling Stacey how you heard about her amazing bows and how lucky she is to have such a fabulous friend like me.

4. If you have a blog of your own, link this post! Leave me another comment letting me know you linked!

5. Never talk about Fight Club.

Okay so rule 5 was a joke again, but it's just SO funny to me!

Anyhoosies, for each rule you follow, you will receive one entry in the drawing for the grand prize: A $20 credit towards any Sassy Topper product! Yay!

***More spaghetti flying out of your computer screen!!***

Now for those of you dudes out there who aren't into hair accessories, I have a deal for you. Follow the rules anyway, and if you win and choose not to accept the credit, I will donate it to The Jack Morton Foundation in your name.

Also, if you are one of my lovely international readers, you can still participate! I will work out the details with exchange rate and shipping and all that jazz! Deal??

The winner will be selected by random drawing on MY BIRTHDAY, which just so happens to be Tuesday September 7th!

So what are you waiting for?? Get your bad selves to Sassy Toppers and start picking out what you are going to buy with your $20 credit!

New Friends/Old Friends

2010-08-25T18:52:00.005-07:00

At work I share a cubicle with a pretty cool chick. We'll call her Not Britney, because she looks just like Britney Spears but taller and plus size, so not totally like Britney Spears. Get it? And she can't sing. I asked.

I knew we were going to be great friends when she sat down at her desk one morning and said "I just have to say this. My boobs look amazing in this top."

We spend a lot of time talking and laughing and being shushed. It's awesome.

The following is an actual conversation Not Britney and I had this morning:

Me: Dude! This guy I just talked to? His last name was Dookie! It was so hard to say "Thank you Mr. Dookie" and keep a straight face. I had to put him on hold because I couldn't hold my giggles.

She: I heard you say Mr. Dookie and I started laughing.

Me: We are so immature.

She: Yeah, well at least you didn't have to talk to Mr. Glasscock. That was awkward.

I love her.

I have started a daily coffee habit. I was buying it every day, but over the weekend I realized I actually have a little coffee maker. I never ever make coffee at home unless my mom is staying the night with us and then she makes it for herself every morning. So I dug out my little 4 cupper and set the timer for the next morning and at 6:00 AM, POOF! Coffee! A coffee machine with a timer! Greatest invention EVER. I even bought my own fat free vanilla creamer for it.

The only problem? The insulated coffee mug thingie I use for my morning commute to work is the one I got at the Bank of Hell. And it has the Bank of Hell's logo on it. And I am pretty sure bad mojo is seeping into my coffee from it and I'll probably get some kind of cancer and die. And I hate that place and feel like such a hypocrite for drinking my delicious hazelnut vanilla coffee from it every morning. But it's the perfect size! And it keeps my coffee so nice and hot! And I hate myself for it.

So this morning I texted Travis my dilemma. Being a former Bank of Hell employee, I figured he would understand. This is our actual textversation:

Me: I have a new daily coffee habit. And I am drinking it out of my [Bank of Hell] mug every morning. I feel like such a hypocrite.

Trav: I have new daily heroin habit. And I use my [Bank of Hell] syringe to inject it every morning. But I don't feel bad because it's good heroin.
Trav: And I named my syringe [Banker Bitch Barbie] because it's plastic and empty.

I miss him.

I love that good or bad, my adventures as a working mom have brought amazing people into my life. I'm thankful.

And I'm a total of six pounds lighter. Cyber high five for Fat Campers everywhere!

I know. I hate it that I don't have time to blog anymore...

2010-08-17T16:52:00.002-07:00

My oh my where do I begin?

Well you may have noticed I look a little different. I have actually lost three point four pounds thankyouverymuch.

It is hard. I hate it. I'm hungry. I am seriously considering eating my keyboard but I have no idea how many points it is. It's not in the book. I looked. Kim is doing awesome, too. However she does not ever look ugly for Fat Camp. I am pretty sure she is competing with me to be the hottest chick there. Bitch. But I did have a wonderful time with her yesterday plotting who we were going to run over in the parking lot for bragging about how much weight they had lost. One lady lost seven pounds! SEVEN!! In one week! So of course Kim and I hate her and have vowed to never be her friend.

I can totally picture Kim sitting at home reading this (Like how I totally assume my friends actually read my blog?? When they have to put up withe me in person?? I know! Hysterical!) and shaking her curly head and rolling her eyes going "I am not competing with you to be the hottest chick at Fat Camp, April. [LIAR!!] And I never vowed to hate anyone."

And she's right. We didn't vow to hate anyone, I was totally exaggerating. We did however discuss who each of us would run over in the parking lot when we left the meeting. (Is that right? Who? Or should I have used whom in that sentence? Still, I can never remember that rule. What a waste of time in Honors English. Should have been flirting with the boys like I did in French.)

Enough with the Fat Camp stories for today...

My babies started school yesterday and I had to miss it. I couldn't take them, Uberman had to. I was sad and devastated all day and felt like a crap mom. But because I am still in training, I couldn't take time off work. It sucked. My first year in 7 years that I haven't been able to make them pancakes and help them get ready. I still made pancakes, I just had to make them the night before. But still. Reheated pancakes on the first day of school? Sad. Just sad.

Apparently they were not too traumatized. They all had a fab day and were very excited to catch up with their friends, and in Boo's case, show off her new clothes. I'm in trouble with that girl. She loves fashion. I asked her what was her favorite part of her first day of first grade? She answered "My new clothes. I looked fabulous. Right down to my Twinkle Toes." Oy vay.

I will resume my Monday Interviews shortly. I just haven't had time to make them fabulous. I've been trying to spend less time on the computer. Unfortunately it's the blog that has suffered. And my Google Reader?? Holy Haysoos. I almost had a heart attack when I logged on a few days ago. Too overwhelming how many posts I have to read. Double Oy Vay.

Oh and I'm going to Europe in 72 days.

So what have you been up to?

I totally don't want this to turn into a weight loss blog...

2010-08-09T17:11:00.003-07:00

So I am about to leave for the big WW. Or Fat Camp. I think we'll call it Fat Camp just to make it sound more fun.

My friend Kim is going with me. And she is like my most gorgeous friend. So I'm a little bitter about already not being the hot chick at Fat Camp. I was really looking forward to having that going for me, but whatever. I guess I should just be thankful for the company, right? At least I won't be Lonely Fat Chick at Fat Camp, right? So thanks Kim! I love you!

And just to let you know, I stripped off all my jewelry, except my wedding ring because who are we kidding? I don't have the time or butter to get it off my finger when I need to be there in thirty minutes. I am also wearing a t-shirt and hideous cropped sweat pants because they are light and I can breathe in them. And I just know Kim is going to show up looking gorgeous with her wild curly hair and beautiful blue-green eyes and angels will sing as soon as she walks in the room. Note to self: Call Kim next week to remind her to look ugly for Fat Camp.

I really want some Pretzel M&M's right now. And I totally have some. Downstairs. On the counter. Taunting me with their deliciousness as I walk by. But I'm not going to do it. Because what I want more than Pretzel M&M's is to not be fat anymore. And to stop losing buttons off my pants. And to breathe in my clothes again. And to not die of a heart attack/diabetes/chicken bone choking related death.

And to wear leather pants some day.

Cross your fingers and toes I don't break the scale.

Fatty McFatterson

2010-08-02T15:39:00.005-07:00

So you guys know how Oprah says God gives you a pebble before He smacks you upside the head with a brick? Well last week I sat down at my desk, and the button popped off my pants with such velocity it could have seriously injured an innocent bystander. Like a gunshot people, I am not joking here.

What. The. Hell?

I have been at the awesome new job for 8 weeks and have gained an astonishing 10 pounds. 10 pounds. TEN FREAKING POUNDS. This is a disgrace.

After losing all that weight three years ago, and I have so proudly kept it off. I mean, yeah I have fluctuated 5 pounds or so, but not 10. TEN!! Oh the humanity! Or humility? Whatever. I am FAT.

This has to stop. Like right now. And I don't even know what has caused this upward spiral. It could be Warm Cookie Wednesday. I know right? My new employer rocks. It could be the vanilla cream in all the coffee I am drinking. It could be that I am used to being on my feet all day and now I am sitting on my fat ass at a desk all day. But seriously, I have not changed my eating habits hardly at all. Other than Warm Cookie Wednesday, that is.

I don't know what to do. I need to get back in the game. I am way too cute to be this fat. How embarrassing. I am just a few pounds shy of becoming some horrific fat chick choking to death on a chicken bone cliche.

I need to do Weight Watchers again. And I hate it! Because you know what that means? Drinking a bunch of water all day. Blech! And attending meetings with a bunch of other fat people complaining about how hungry we are. Gah! And weigh ins! Oy vay!!

But I don't want to die of heart attack. I don't want to get diabetes. I don't want high blood pressure. And I want to wear a pair of leather pants before I die! Leather pants, people!!

And seriously, like I need another freaking appointment on my schedule. Good Lord! And I can't do it this week because we are having Uberman's "Beerday" party on Saturday. Who wants to be on a diet when Diane is bringing her famous Margaritas? No. Thank. You.

But no more excuses! Next week is it! I'm going! Kicking and screaming! But at least I'm burning calories with all the fuss....

You only moved the headstones!

2010-07-26T19:12:00.005-07:00

Oh wow, you guys. Strange things are afoot at the Uber house. No joke. There is some freaky deaky shizz going on here.

I am 98% sure we have a poltergeist.

True. Story.

So it all started last year when one of my Fiesta plates went missing. And I was pissed because it was the Peacock one and it was one of my faves. I still had the bowl and mug and the salad plate, but no dinner plate. I know, what the eff, right? So I start interrogating Uberman and the kids. Who broke my plate?? No one would fess up. Even Junior, who always caves when I give him the doubtful squinty eye look and tell him Baby Jesus doesn't like it when we lie.

Not one person in this house had any idea what happened to my beautiful Peacock Fiesta plate.

And then last fall, Ubes bought a new budgeting software at Costco. We brought it home, took it up to the office, and never saw it again. Now to be honest, the office is the black hole in this house. It's a giant boil on my ass. But I don't normally lose non-paper related items, you know? But it's been almost a year and we have not seen that software since we brought it home.

Then, for Christmas, my sister in law She She gave me this super fabulous silver sequined bangle bracelet that I was so in love with. And it's gone. Can't find it anywhere. I think I wore it three times. I'm sad.

I have a large mirror hanging above a table in my entryway. It's a pretty bad ass set up. There's a tall skinny lamp on the table and big silver bowl to throw our keys in. Vern Yip would be proud. A few months ago I came home from work to find the mirror on the floor behind the table. It just fell off the wall. The WIRE CABLES holding it to the dry wall anchors just snapped. The mirror didn't break, but the frame is a little jacked up. But how weird is that? That mirror has been hanging there for three years with no issue.

And then, last week, Ubes sent me a text message when I was on my way to work asking if I had changed out his toothbrush head. What? I couldn't stop laughing. What a weird random question. But he had a brand new head on his toothbrush and he didn't change it and neither did I.

So obviously this is a ghost of a former dentist, right? A former dentist who is eating off my peacock plate, keeping track of his budget and wearing my sequined bracelet. Hey, I am not judging. I am totally GLBT friendly.

But apparently our dentist poltergeist is also into lawn maintenance. Because this morning, our back yard sprinklers started working. After one year of inexplicably not working. After Ubes and I spent two weekends renting a rototiller to rip the dead stuff out to prepare the ground for new sod. Where were you a year ago, magical landscaping poltergeist? You could have saved us some sore shoulders, a ruined pedicure and $125 on the rototiller. Your shenanigans are becoming a little inconvenient. I totally would not mind if you mopped floors and unloaded the dishwasher once in a while.

All of these things could be coincidence, I know that's what you are all thinking. But guess what we just found out? Our neighborhood was supposedly built on Indian burial ground. Gasp!

And! AND!! On Saturday, we found a scorpion and a centipede inside the house within four hours of each other. If that's not a sign of evil, I don't know what is.

And I am pretty sure it is messing with my scale to make it look like I am seven pounds heavier than I was two months ago. Dun duh dunnnnnn!!

Dudes. I am shaking in my crystal studded flip flops. One more thing and it's run to the light Carol Ann. Do priests do exorcisms if you aren't Catholic? Anyone know?

Or maybe I need a Shaman since it's Indian burial ground? Anyone know one? Are they expensive? Because I can't afford a whole lot, now that my water bill is going up. Stupid sprinklers.

Maybe I can get a hold of Craig T. Nelson. He'll know what to do.

Why?

2010-07-18T11:47:00.005-07:00

So a couple of days turned into a week, which turned into another couple of days and then another week. I took an unplanned vacay from blogging. Sue me. But in other news, my bedroom is clean and for the first time in 3 years there is not one unfolded piece of laundry anywhere in this house. You would be amazed what you can accomplish when you walk away from your computer. I will be back on Monday, I promise. But until then, here are some questions I have been pondering. Maybe you are too?

. . . Why can't my children go at least one entire day without feeling the need to harass and antagonize each other?

. . . Why does everyone at Circle K at 6:00 in the morning look like a crack head? OHMYGOD. Do I look like a crack head at 6:00 in the morning???

. . . Why do they even make the white crayon?

. . . When did it become okay for guys to wear black socks with shorts and why wasn't I consulted on this decision?

. . . Why does every song in the top 200 on iTunes suck right now? (Except Mike Posner's Cooler Than Me, I am so addicted to that song I want to snort it or main line it or marry it or something.)

. . . Why are donuts so delicious? And why do I crave them when I am trying to watch what I eat because I can actually hear myself getting fatter every day?

. . . Why is it that just when you think you are going to have a surplus of money one month, you inevitably have an emergency that requires large amounts of money? And why are stupid things like tires so expensive? It's not like you can show them off. "Hey everyone, look at my new tires!"

. . . Why am I still typing this when I should be getting ready for work?

Bucket List

2010-07-07T05:00:00.002-07:00

One of the things I love most about my new job is that I have had the opportunity to meet some pretty inspiring people.

Our new department leader recently took the time to meet with me and the other newbies to talk about career paths and such. He told us this story about how, after he graduated business school, the company he worked for sent him to a leadership training class. During that class, he was asked to write a Bucket List. He was told to come up with at least 20 items on the list. He came up with over a hundred. When he brought his list in to share with the class facilitator, he was asked why he wasn't doing some of those things right now. Two months later, he quit the job and went on a journey to cross off some of the items on his list. He and his new wife traveled all over Europe and Africa for the next two years.

I sat there in awe listening to his story. He had attended that class to help him with his career, and instead it changed his life. It gave him the courage to take life by the balls and live it to its fullest. When I left that meeting, I felt so pumped up. I wanted to go build schools in Rwanda. I wanted to bust out the Shop Vac and head on down to Louisiana to clean up the oil spill. Or build a center for kids who can't read good.

But some of those things are not possible right now. So instead I decided to start a Bucket List of my own. I came up with 100 things. Here they are:

Take up running
Run the Disneyland Half Marathon
Run the Disney World Marathon
Hike the Grand Canyon
Cook Thanksgiving Dinner
Visit the Great Wall of China
See the Taj Mahal
Take a Cross Country Road Trip
Drive the length of the Pacific Coast Highway
Go Parasailing
Make a quilt
Own a pair of Christian Louboutins* (click on the link at your own risk, it's basically a whole bunch of shoe porn)
Get something published*
Stay at the Paradise Island Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas
See Victoria Falls
Go on African Safari
See the sunrise at Machu Picchu
Enjoy a hot chocolate in Spain
Have a Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity 3
See a play on Broadway
Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge
Learn to surf
Ride a gondola in Venice
See penguins in Antarctica
Shop the Portobello Road
Go to Scotland to find the Loch Ness Monster
Take the Beatles tour in Liverpool
Have lunch somewhere in Provence
Stay at a villa in Tuscany
Go to Lake Como Italy
Go sailing
Take the kids to Washington, DC
Learn to ride a motorcycle
Buy fudge on Mackinac Island
Walk across Golden Gate Bridge
Go to Martha's Vineyard
Drink a Guinness in Ireland
Take my daughter to the Ballet in New York
See a kangaroo in Australia
See the Pyramids in Egypt
Go on an Alaskan Cruise
Buy my Dad a car
Take my Mom to Italy
Go to the Great American Beer Festival with my husband
See a game in every baseball stadium (so far I have been to Chase Field in Phoenix, Turner Field in Atlanta, Anaheim Stadium, Yankee Stadium (original), Comiskey Park, Wrigley Field)
~~See the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam~~
See Auschwitz
Walk across the Charles Bridge in Prague
Go to Greece
See the statue of David in Florence
Climb to the top of the dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral
See da Vinci's Last Supper
Walk in the Forum in Rome
See the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Play in the snow in Switzerland
Go somewhere wearing Leather Pants**
Learn to Knit
Get my degree
Live in London for a year
Live in NYC for a year
See the Statue of Liberty
Go to Boston
Eat at Dogfish Head Brewing & Eats and Dogfish Head Alehouse
Take a cooking class
Take a cake decorating class
See London at Christmas
See Rockefellar Center at Christmas
Walk the red carpet*
Pet a lion
Plant a vegetable and spice garden
Take a photography class
Be an extra in a movie
~~Go to the Pergamon Museum in Berlin~~
~~Eat Belgian Frites in Brussels~~
See the Temple of Apollo at the Gardens of Stourhead
See Angkor Wat in Cambodia
Go to Hong Kong
Learn to play tennis
Go to Brighton, England
Play Roulette or Craps in Vegas
~~See the Berlin Wall~~
Kiss the Blarney Stone
Inspire someone
Refinish a piece of furniture
Own a 1956 Porsche Speedster*
Pet a dolphin or whale
Get laser hair removal
Spend the night in a castle
Ride on a zipline through the jungle/forest
Eat a deep fried Mars bar in Scotland
Spend a few days at Disneyland Paris
Take a night train from one European country to another
Take up Bicycling
Learn to speak another language (or two)
Figure out how to follow a pattern and make an entire outfit
Learn to SCUBA dive
Take a horse drawn carriage ride in Central Park
Drink a Bellini at Harry’s Bar in Venice
Drive a race car
Get more than 100 followers on Twitter

So there it is. One hundred things I would like to do before I die. I am sure as I cross things off I will add more. And I realize some of these things may not appeal to you, but that's why you should do your own. And let me know if you do, I would love to read them.

*I realize money/status may prevent me from achieving this goal. I accept the challenge.
**I realize my age/weight may prevent me from achieving this goal. I acknowledge I am running out of time, as a 40+ year old woman who is not a rock star has no business wearing leather pants. However, with 14 months until my 40th birthday, I accept the challenge.

An Interview: My Junior

2010-07-05T05:00:00.003-07:00

This week I have chosen my incredible 12 going on 40 year old son to interview. He was very gracious and kind and only slightly irritated I interrupted his playing schedule, he just got the new Blur game over the weekend and we have barely seen him. (The other two have been up north at my Mom and Dad's, so it's been a pretty quiet weekend for me and Ubes.)

Just to let you know some back ground info on my oldest child. He is amazing. He is kind, sweet and smart. Last night he was out in the driveway helping Ubes do something to one of our cars and he and I had the following conversation:

"Mom, you have bird feathers in your radiator," he said. "Did you hit a bird?"

"I don't know," I shrugged my shoulders. "How do you know I have feathers in my radiator?"

"Come here," he said, motioning me towards the front of my Yukon. He shined a flashlight into the grill and pointed. "See the feathers?"

"Oh," I said. "Wow. I guess I hit a bird."

"Yes," he laughed. "I guess you did."

"How do you know that's the radiator?" I asked in awe.

He blinked at me for a minute. "Because it's in the front of your car. That's where it goes."

"Oh," I said. "But what is it?"

"It's the big thing that keeps your engine cool," he said with a smile.

"Oh. How do you know that?" I asked him. "You're 12."

"I don't know," he said. "Because Dad tells me stuff and I listen. And I read about cars. And I'm a guy."

"Wow, Junior," I said. "I don't know anything about cars and radiators and stuff."

"That's okay Mom," he said as he put his arm around me. "I don't know what decoupage is. We're even."

He's amazing. You're going to love him.

Me: Junior!

Jr: What?

Me: Come here please. I am in the office.

Jr: You said that like I did something wrong. What did I do wrong?

Me: You didn’t do anything wrong. Why do you keep asking me that?

Jr: Because that’s basically how it goes.

Me: Want to be interviewed for my blog?

Jr: Okay.

Me: Okay sit down.

Jr: Where? In dad’s chair?

Me: Yes.

(sits)

Me: So what’s it like being the son of such an awesome person?

Jr: Awesome.

Me: That’s exactly what your dad said when I asked what is it like being married to someone so awesome. You can’t come up with a better answer?

Jr: No not really. How long is this going to take?

Me: Not long. Why, you got a hot date?

Jr: No.

Me: What’s it like being the oldest of three kids?

Jr: Very, very hard. And I don’t like it either.

Me: Why?

Jr: Because my siblings put so much stress on me. Plus they think they are better than me.

Me: How do they put stress on you?

Jr: Because I’m always worried about them. I have to take care of them.

Me: You don’t have to. We do. How do they think they are better than you?

Jr: They challenge me at lots of things. Especially when we are playing the Wii. They team up and try to cheat and make me lose.

Me: Do you think they are intimidated because you are older?

Jr: Yes. That and I am so awesome.

Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up?

Jr: I’m still deciding on that. That’s a difficult decision. I’m still thinking about being a pro golfer. Or I’d like to work as an engineer or designer for a car company. I’d really like to work for BMW or Ferrari.

Me: You realize you will have to go work in a different country if you work for either of those companies?

Jr: Yes.

Me: Will you always come home for Christmas?

Jr: Yes.

Me: And my birthday?

Jr: Yes.

Me: Will you buy me nice presents?

Jr: Yes. If I’m rich.

Me: Like what?

Jr: I might bring you a car.

Me: You know I’ve always wanted a car with a big red ribbon on it in the driveway. Would you do that? Put the ribbon on it?

Jr: Of course.

Me: Have you ever kissed a girl?

Jr: Mom. Really?

Me: Yes. Just answer the question.

Jr: No. You’re ridiculous.

Me: Do you want to kiss a girl?

Jr: Uummmm... No? Not really?

Me: See the way you phrased your answer makes me think you are lying because you think that’s what I want you to say.

Jr: Is it?

Me: I don’t know. Are you lying?

Jr: Maybe.

Me: Are you going to drink beer when you grow up?

Jr: I don’t know. I might. Wow. You type really fast.

Me: Don’t change the subject. You are planning to drink beer?

Jr: Probably. Yes. But responsibly.

Me: What about smoke cigarettes?

Jr: No! Put that answer in all caps. And underline it if you can.

Me: What happens to you if you smoke?

Jr: You die.

Me: What kills you?

Jr: Cancer. Or you will kill me when you find out.

Me: If you were smoking I would be the one who would die. Of a broken heart.

Jr: Really? That’s sad.

Me: Well keep that in mind if you ever light up. Tell me how you like to spend your time.

Jr: I like to play video games and mess around on the computer.

Me: What does that mean, mess around?

Jr: Like play games. Do research about cars and stuff. That’s pretty much it.
.
Me: You’re about to start 7th grade. How do you feel?

Jr: Nervous.

Me: Why?

Jr: Because it’s going to be a lot harder. A lot more difficult and more confusing.

Me: But you’re a smart kid. You get straight A’s. What do you have to worry about?

Jr: I don’t know. I’ve never been in 7th grade before. It’s going to be different.

Me: Do you think you’ll get a girlfriend this year?

Jr: I don’t know. I’m keeping my options open. How many questions are there?

Me: There’s no set number. Do you think I’m cool?

Jr: Yes.

Me: Why?

Jr: Because you’re my mom. And I’m cool. So that makes you cool.

Me: So I’m cool by default?

Jr: It’s not a bad thing. You have to take what you can get.

Me: What about Dad? Is he cool?

Jr: Yes, no doubt.

Me: What makes him cool?

Jr: Same as you. Plus he lets us do more stuff than you do.

Me: It’s because I love you more than he does. I want to protect you.

Jr: Yeah, I don’t think that’s really why. But if it helps you deal with it, that’s fine.

Me: You realize I am going to change your answers to make me look better, right?

Jr: And this will be the last time you interview me without my publicist present.

Me: How did you get to be so smart?

Jr: I don’t know. Just lucky in the gene pool.

Me: Well you got that from me. That came from my end of the gene pool.

Jr: Okay Mom. Are we done? Can I go play my game again?

And there you have it. The kid is freaking awesome. And handsome as can be with his big blue eyes, curly hair and dimples. Am I lucky or what?

I'm a moron. Nice to meet you.

2010-07-02T06:11:00.005-07:00

It's 6:11 AM on Friday morning and I have to leave for work in approximately 9 minutes. I have been getting up between 4:30 and 5:15 (depending on whether or not I have to drop the kids off at MIL's) every morning for a month. And I am pretty sure it is starting to have negative effects on my brain.

Here's why.

I have auto start on my car, so I usually start the car from my entryway every morning as I am getting my shtuff together. You know how some of you have to warm up your cars in the winter? Well we have to cool ours off in the summer. Anyhoosies, yesterday morning, I got in my car, that was already running, set my purse on the passenger seat, stuck my phone in the cup holder, put my seat belt on, figured out how high or low I needed the air conditioning, and then reached for the gear shift to throw the bad boy in reverse.

Only it wouldn't budge. I stared at the dashboard. What the hell is wrong with my car? I tried again, yanking on the gear shift trying to pull it down into reverse. Nothing. I sat for a minute in a panic. Great. Just great. Something is wrong with the car! Like I need this right now! I reached back up to turn the car off so I could go wake up Ubes and tell him my car was a piece of shit and he would have to take me to work.

And it was then that I realized I had never put the key in it. Nice.

Then I spent a couple of minutes trying to plug my phone into my iPod cable. Guess what? I didn't work.

I was like Oh My God!! Am I having a stroke?? What is wrong with me??

I chalked it up to exhaustion and went about my day. Last night Ubes and I went out to dinner, just the two of us. I told him about my two brief moments of stupidity in the car and he just shook his head at me while he laughed his ass off. I excused myself to the restroom as he payed the bill.

And then in the restroom I stood at the sink holding my soapy hands under the faucet waiting for the water to come on. The water wasn't coming on. I removed my hands and put them back hoping to trigger the sensor. Nothing. So like an idiot I started waving my hands back and forth in front of the faucet to get the stupid sensor to see me. Still nothing. So I moved to a different sink. Same thing, no water. What the hell? The water isn't working in this bathroom??

And then I realized I had to pull the lever on top of the faucet and actually turn the water on myself. Yeah, I know! Manual faucets. Who would have thunk of such a thing?

So yeah. Getting up early is making me stupid.

I don't get even. I get evil.

2010-06-30T17:10:00.013-07:00

So we can all just take a minute to talk about the sheer awesomeness that is the new Pretzel M&M's? Have you tried these yet?? Seriously. No joke. Life changing. As a matter of fact, I think that should be their motto. They should just print it right on that blue bag. And yes M&M Mars, you are welcome.

I have a story for you guys. Are you ready? This is a good one. It's all about one of my favorite topics of discussion: Customer Service. How many of you are with me in the belief that good customer service is on the endangered species list? Well, follow me as I take you on a journey, and tell me if you think this interaction was a PMCE (Positive Memorable Customer Experience).

The cafeteria at work is so kick ass, it actually has a Subway inside. And who loves Subway? This girl. So the other day, I purchased a delicious Subway sandwich (Spicy Italian with provolone on white), grabbed a small bag of baked chips and a drink and proceeded to the cash registers at the far end of the cafeteria. I always pick the same line because the cashier is always cheerful and friendly and I enjoy our usual witty chit chat. Unfortunately, as I got closer to the register, I was disappointed to see she was not there that day.

Regardless, I waited in line just briefly, and when it was my turn to pay, I set my items on the counter (I always forget to grab a tray so my hands were full) and waited for my total.

The substitute cashier was tall and thin, and very pretty, despite the ridiculously hideous uniform and hat she is required to wear. And obviously, she was not having the best day.

"Is that a refill?" she barked at me as I set my drink down. I hesitated for a moment because I didn't understand her question. The drink was in my company issued, insulated, ginormous plastic mug. They don't sell those mugs in the cafeteria, you just bring it in and fill it up. So yeah, it was a refill. I thought that was kind of obvious.

"Is. That. A. Reeefffiiilllll-uh???" she asked again. I looked at her in surprise, completely taken aback by her overwhelming hostility. And then I tilted my head and smiled at her. My great big I-will-not-sink-to-your-level smile.

"Yes," I said warmly. "It is a refill."

She turned back to her register, punched it in the face a few times, and then turned back to me. She held her hand out with loud exhale. I stared at her empty hand for a brief fraction of a second. And then I smiled again.

"I'm sorry," I said to her. "I must not have heard you tell me how much I owed you."

"$4.25." She shoved her hand closer to my face. I stuck my hand in the front pocket of my jeans, trying to dig out the folded bills without dropping them on the floor.

She sighed impatiently. By this time, one of my co-workers was in line right behind me. I could tell by the look on her face she had over heard some of this exchange and was a little shocked. I shrugged my shoulders at her.

I gave the cashier my Big Smile again. "I apologize. I guess I should have been more prepared for you." I handed her a five dollar bill.

"Yes. That helps." The cashier snapped the money from my finger tips and rolled her eyes.

I lowered my voice and leaned in closer to her. "My pants are too tight," I laughed. "I couldn't get my hand in my pocket to dig out my money." My co-worker laughed.

The cashier turned back to me and then looked down at my lunch. "Well," she said with a sarcastic smirk, "Subway will take care of that."

(I KNOW, RIGHT???? I still can't believe it.)

My co-worker actually gasped. I looked straight into the cashiers eyes and smiled The Big Smile again. "Yeah, you are probably right," I said to her with a little laugh. "Thank you for your patience. Have a great afternoon!"

And I confidently walked away.

So, dear friends, what went wrong here? How would the average person have handled this situation? Do you think this was a Positive Memorable Customer Experience?

(I think it is important for you to know this cashier is not an employee of Subway or the totally awesome company I now work for. She is an employee of the food service company contracted to work in our building.)

I could have been rude to her. I could have been equally hostile. I could have asked to speak to her supervisor. I could have been understandably embarrassed. I could have demanded an apology.

But I didn't.

Instead, today, I brought her a bag of Pretzel M&M's.

Partially because I wanted to be the better person. Partially because I wanted to share the life changing, candy coated drops of joy and happiness with others. Partially because I wanted to kill her with kindness and hopefully make her feel a teeny tiny bit regretful about being such a horrible nasty bitch. And partially because I hope she gets so strung out on them, she will eventually have no choice but to understand what it's like to dig wadded up bills out of the front pocket of super cute jeans that are cutting off her circulation.

I think I am teaching her an important lesson in expressing empathy, which is a key factor in PMCE's. Yep. That's what I am doing. Teaching people how to provide better service, one empty calorie at a time. That's how I sleep at night.

That and the crash after the sugar high.

(M&M Bag photo courtesy of mrsmoneysaver.com)

An Interview: Poop and Boogies

2010-06-28T05:00:00.005-07:00

A little over two years ago, I was blog surfing on a rainy Saturday morning. I kept clicking on blogs linked to other blogs, jumping around the interwebs, peeking into people’s lives. I had been thinking about starting a blog of my own for years, but just hadn’t made the commitment.

But on this day, as I bounced from blog to blog, I found this post. And I laughed and laughed and laughed. And I called Uberman, I can’t remember what he was doing at the time and why he wasn’t home, and I read the post out loud to him over the phone. And then I called my mom and read it to her. And then my MIL and several friends. By the end of the day, I had that post almost memorized. It was the first blog written by someone I didn’t know, that I followed religiously.

And I decided to start a blog of my own.

Two years later, I am lucky enough to consider William of Poop and Boogies a friend. I was so excited and honored when he agreed to allow me to interview him. Even our emails back and forth to set the whole thing up were hilarious. We finally agreed on a time that was convenient for both of us, considering the three hour time difference made it seem like we were on different planets sometimes. But when he answered the phone on the third ring, I was a little caught off guard by his heavy breathing. I caught him in the middle of his ab workout. But he ~~thanked Jesus for my timing and~~ reluctantly agreed to stop to answer my silly questions.

Me: First things first. Your Facebook and blog signatures refer to you as William, but your wife calls you Bill. Which do you prefer? How would you introduce yourself?

Bill: Everyone calls me Bill, I prefer William. It’s the name my parents gave me. But it also sounds pretentious. Hello my name is William. Actually, I prefer Lord William.

Me: Ha ha! I love that!

Bill: No, I’m kidding. It would be “Hi I’m Bill.”

Me: You have been blogging since 2005. 2005! How do you keep it going? What do you do to avoid blogger’s block?

Bill: That’s a tough question because anything you say sounds stupid and pretentious. But it’s like a hobby. Like collecting beer cans or playing softball. Guys who play soft ball play 20 games. Or the guy in the bowling league. It’s just a hobby. It’s just what I do.

Me: Your blog has been mentioned on the Dr. Phil show, and you get famous authors like Brad Meltzer sending you advance copies of books, and now you even have Huggies sponsoring you. What’s it like being such a blogging bad ass?

Bill: Well the coolest thing in the world was getting recognized at Chuck E Cheese. But now that I’m on Facebook, everyone I went to high school with reads my blog. I was at the pool the other day and I was talking to my brother. Well I got up to tell Max and Wyatt to knock it off or whatever, and this woman turned and look at me and she said “Bill?” And I realized I went to high school with her but I haven’t seen her in a while. She said she wouldn’t have known me if I hadn’t said the kids’ names. She recognized me from the blog. But I’m not a bad ass, I’ve just been around a while. I’m just lucky and fortunate. But not a bad ass.

Me: You are husband to the lovely Lauren, you are a father to three handsome boys (Max, Wyatt and Jackson), you work a real job, spend your weekends on home improvement projects and yardwork, plus you are occasionally involved in your local theater. On top of all that, you consistently post a few times a week on your awesome blog. How do you find the time to be all things to everyone?

Bill: Seriously, about 5 to 6 hours of sleep at night. I’m usually up by 5:00 and in bed around 11:00. Especially because Wyatt’s always up at 5:00. He’ll go to bed at 8:00 and by 5:00 in the morning he is coming into our room.

Me: You just turned the big four oh. How’s that working for ya?

Bill: I’m older than I’ve ever been. That’s what forty is. I’m closer to death than I am to my birth. That’s really what it’s like.

Me: Oh that’s depressing. When I was about to turn 30 I compared it to throwing up. You know how you stand there with your head hanging over the toilet and you know you’re going to throw up, you feel it coming and you’re sweaty and sick and rocking back and forth. And you hate throwing up so you are dreading it and you don’t want to do it but you know it’s coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. And then there you are in the middle of it, you are heaving and hacking and your insides are coming out of your mouth. And then you’re done and it’s over and you feel great. Is that what 40 is like, too?

Bill: No. It’s not that bad.

Me: Like you, my mom came from a big family. She was #7 of 9 kids. Except she was the sixth girl, sandwiched in between three boys. Kind of an unlucky spot, don’t you think? I envy her relationship with her brothers and sisters, especially since I was raised an only child. What is the best part of coming from a big family?

Bill: Did you know the seventh child was the witch child? Back in the day the 7th child was the witch. If you Googled it you would find it. (I hear clicking on keyboard. He starts reading to me.) “The seventh child is cursed and thought to have supernatural powers.” See? This is on the internet, so it’s true. Seriously, look it up. It’s from the witches bible.

Me: Ha! That is funny! And explains so much about my mom. (Just kidding mom.)

Bill: No, but seriously, I think the closer you are together in age when you’re younger, that stays with you growing up. But there is always someone cooler than you and there’s always someone not as cool as you. At any given moment you are not the best or the worst in the family.

Me: If you didn’t have the opportunity to have the life you have right now, where would you want to be? What would you want to be different?

Bill: In Hollywood. I would want to be a famous actor.

Me: Seriously? You would?

Bill: Yeah, I still do. I want to get to Saturday Night Live. That’s my goal.

Me: Well hey, look at Betty White. She’s what, 188 years old or something and she did it.

Bill: True. But she did have like 50 years experience and talent under her belt before that. I’m coming a little late in the game.

Me: Do you think these interview questions suck?

Bill: No.

Me: I’ve never really been to Philly. I mean I have been to the airport and then driven to Delaware, but I didn’t get to see the sights or have a cheese steak or anything. What is so awesome about living in Philly?

Bill: First of all, why the hell were you in Delaware?

Me: (Long, boring explanation of why I was in Delaware.)

Bill: Oh. What’s awesome about Philly? Well, it’s an hour and a half from the beach, and hour and a half from the mountains, an hour and half from New York City, 3 hours from DC and Baltimore. There’s always something to do.

Me: You are interested in acting. Who is your go to guy? You know, that one actor who you will pay money to see his movie no matter how sucky the movie looks? Mine is Ed Norton.

Bill: Michael Keaton. I’ve seen every one of his movies up until the year 2000.

Me: What’s your favorite movie of all time?

Bill: The Princess Bride.

Me: David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

Bill: Is this your husband’s question?

Me: Yes.

Bill: David Lee Roth. I’m not a big Van Halen fan except I did listen to them in the 80’s. I stopped listening to them once they switched up. I think that album with Jump is the last one I listened to.

Me: How do you feel about an arranged marriage between my Boo and your Max?

Bill: Yeah, what’s the dowry?

Me: What?

Bill: How many cows?

Me: Does it have to be cows?

Bill: Well how old is she?

Me: She’s 6. She’ll be 7 in October. And she is amazing. You would be lucky.

Bill: Yeah? Well send her to college in the middle somewhere and we’ll make it happen. Like University of St. Louis or something. (Bill, I think you said St. Louis?? I didn’t type the city and now I can’t remember and I don’t want to misquote you…)

Me: How about Northwestern?

Bill: Where’s that?

Me: Near Chicago.

Bill: Yeah that will work. I’ve never been to Chicago.

Me: You haven’t? It’s a great city, I love Chicago.

Bill: I haven’t been to a lot of places.

Me: What is your favorite place in the whole world? Besides home or your mom’s house or whatever.

Bill: Brigantine New Jersey.

Me: Where the hell is that?

Bill: One town north of Atlantic City.

Me: Really. Why?

Bill: A friend of mine in High School, his parents had a house there we used to go all the time and sit on the dock and drink beers and hang out. It was just the most peaceful place to be. That and Key West.

Me: Oh I love Key West! I was there on my birthday last year. It was so much fun. I don’t have much recollection of the entire day but it was fun. We did a pub crawl. And that was the end of that.

Bill: Lauren and I spent our honeymoon there. It’s a great little town. I would totally live there if I didn’t have kids.

Me: What’s your favorite TV show? Don’t say Glee. Please don’t say Glee.

Bill: No, I do watch Glee, but Modern Family is my favorite show. Used to be The Office and 30 Rock, but now Modern Family.

Me: I love Modern Family! I want to live next door to Cam and Mitch. Don’t you think The Office has gone down hill with Pam and Jim and now the baby?

Bill: No, I think it’s just trying too hard now. They need to explore some of the other characters like Kevin and Creed. I would love to see what Oscar’s life is like outside of work, they need to devote some episodes to those other characters. But you have to have Michael Scott. You have to have Dwight. But they don’t need Jim and Pam anymore.

Me: Okay here it is. This is going to make us or break us. How do you feel about Beyonce?

Bill: (Deep breath) Honestly? I was a fan of Destiny’s Child. I was. But not a fan of Beyonce. I went through a top 40 phase. I’ll admit it, I have a Destiny's Child CD. But Beyonce? She’s ok.

Me: How do you think you and Lauren would do against me and Uberman in a Beer Pong Challenge?

Bill: You and your husband would beat us until Lauren had about 3 games under her belt. And then we would win.

Me: I am not surprised at all to hear that. She seems like she would just rock at everything.

Bill: She does. She beat all of us tonight in two games of Wii bowling. That’s just how she is.

Me: Okay Bill, serious question. What the hell is the Philly Fanatic? Don’t you wish you guys had a cooler mascot? Like I am one to talk. The D-Backs mascot is a stupid bobcat named Baxter. How embarrassing.

Bill: I don’t know. No one knows. But you want to hear a funny story about that? The owner of the Phillies hired this marketing group to come up with a mascot. So they brought out this costume and he tried it out. People loved it. The marketing company offered to have him buy the rights for like $250K, or he could just rent it for so many years. He decided just to rent it. Well it just blew up. The fans loved it. It’s the most recognized mascot now. And maybe three years later, they paid like 8,000,000 million dollars to buy the rights.

Me: There’s a lesson in that somewhere.

Bill: Yeah. You gotta strike while the iron’s hot. I mean I could be wrong with the exact figures, but the point is the same.

Me: What famous person, dead or alive, would you like to have dinner with?

Bill: That’s a tough one. I don’t like that question. People judge you based on your answer.

Me: No one is judging you. Who cares. (Like anyone is even reading this.)

Bill: It’s just a lot of people to pick from. I’ll come back to that one.

Me: You have been doing the P90X for a few months. How is that going? Any words of encouragement for someone who would rather stick needles in her eye than get her fat ass on the treadmill?

Bill: Just go out there and do it. Not to sound like a Nike commercial or anything, but if you do something today, it’s going to be easier tomorrow. Take five steps today, six steps tomorrow. It’s not easy. And the first 10 days suck. Once you get past that, it’s easier. But it still sucks.

Me: Your blog is all about your parent’s influence on your parenting skills. What do you find yourself doing or saying that your parents always did or said to you?

Bill: Don’t hit your brother. I probably say that every day.

Me: What do you do differently?

Bill: I don’t know. My parents were very good role models. Just recently I realized I’m own person. A combination of both my mom and my dad. And I can do things my own. I can be different and it's okay. I don’t know. I just don’t want them to hit each other.

Me: What are you and Lauren doing this New Year’s Eve? How do you feel about coming to AZ to participate in Hunko Drunko Bunco?

Bill: You know what? I would absolutely love to. But what would we do with our kids? What the hell is hunko drunko part?

Me: Well the Hunko is because we invite the husband’s. Normally they are not allowed. And the drunko is because, well, we serve cocktails. It’s awesome.

Bill: If I’m ever in Arizona I’m coming by.

Me: What’s your idea of the perfect date with Lauren?

Bill: For her or me? Because it could be different.

Me: There isn’t one that would be perfect for both of you?

Bill: I don’t know. Window shopping in a little town with antiques and artsy stuff. Because I like antiques and she likes the artsy stuff. And if it had a little bar for dinner and drinks. That would be for both of us. For me it would be like that Brazilian steak house she took me to for my birthday. That was awesome. And the perfect date for her would probably be her by herself somewhere.

Me: My friend Karen is a huge fan of yours. She has two questions for you. First, what 5 words would your best friend use to describe you?

Bill: Bill, he, is, an, asshole.

Me: (laughing)

Bill: No, for real.

Me: Nuh uh! No they wouldn’t.

Bill: I don’t know. They would probably say loyal. They would say he is the guy who would come bail you out and not ask questions.

Me: Hey, there’s value in that. Everyone needs a guy like that.

Bill: Yeah, I think I’m that guy for a lot of people. But some of my friends would say he is the guy who I wouldn’t call to bail me out because he would make fun of me.

Me: Ha! I do that too. I love making fun of people who do stupid things!

Bill: I just follow the comedy trail. That’s what I usually say.

Me: Her second question is, if you had 24 hours to do ANYTHING, how would you spend it?

Bill: Oh this is easy. Having sex and then have 23 hours and 58 minutes left over.

Me: Wow. Poor Lauren.

Bill: I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do.

Me: Well just like you said Lauren’s perfect date would be her by herself, what would your perfect date by yourself be?

Bill: I don’t know. Okay, I love casinos. It would be hanging out at a casino, getting a massage, going to a spa, smoking a cigar and having some cocktails. But not losing. Because that would suck.

Me: It is absolutely crazy to me that we have never met, yet I still feel like we are friends. I think that is one of the most amazing things about the blogging community. What is the best part of blogging for you?

Bill: I know! There are only a handful of blogs that I consistently follow. People whose personalities I like. There’s a handful of people that I follow that I am generally interested in their life. People like you and Bogart and some others. Some of those people have stopped blogging. But I read for the funny stuff, the little stories. Because I am genuinely interested. And, if it’s going on a bad streak I’m going to tell you. In real life, if we are sitting at the bar and you’re crying me the blues, I’m going to tell you shut the [hell] up. I like funny up beat stuff. I don’t want to read dark and sad and depressing. I want to read happiness. I’m quoting the cover of a book right now, and I’ve never read it but I love the name. Scatter Joy. Scatter joy all the time and it will come back to you.

Well Bill, thank you for scattering joy. I thoroughly enjoyed every one of the 104 minutes that we were on the phone. You definitely scattered some my way. And although we never did go back to the question about what famous person you would have dinner with, I am pretty confident I now know the answer to this.

It’s obviously me.

Fly

2010-06-24T19:19:00.004-07:00

I have been thinking a lot this week. I know, totally unusual for me. But I've had quite a few light bulb moments.

I take a lot of things for granted. I mean overall, I am very thankful for the wonderful life I have. I appreciate the people in it. I try very hard to say thank you and to tell people I love them. But sometimes, I don't see what's right in front of my face, you know?

I'm one of those people who needs closure. And if I can't have that, then I want the last word. I know, I realize how annoying I am. I realized this week that I need to let some stuff go. I need to just get over it. I can't change other people. I can only change me.

Everything I have done in my life, every decision I have made or road I have taken, has brought me to this place. To where I am now. Instead of carrying with me all the wrongs that have been done to me, I need to be thankful for the outcome. I need to appreciate the things I have learned. I need to grow stronger from those moments of weakness.

The only thing keeping me from going forward is my resistance to move. I need to get over my fears. Drop the stuff weighing me down. Let go and just be free. Sure there will be hurdles along the way, but I have the ability to jump. And it gets easier the more you do it, right?

I guess I will just have to see. But I am ready. Ready for whatever comes my way. Ready to fly.

An Interview: Stacey!

2010-06-21T05:00:00.002-07:00

So I have decided Mondays will be Monday Interview Day! YAY!!! I know you guys are so excited about my new series. And it was totally not created out of boredom and/or writer's block. Ahem.

This week, I have interviewed one of my BFF's, the lovely Stacey of La Vida De Redish. I have known Stacey for almost twenty years, she is my surrogate sister and I heart her dearly. So sit back, relax and prepare to be entertained....

Me: So, Stace. Welcome to my new interview series.

Stacey: Thank you! I am so excited. This is such a great idea.

Me: Is it dumb? It's dumb isn't it? Would you tell me if it was a stupid idea?

Stacey: Yes I would tell you! And no it's not dumb. Your interview with Ubes was hilarious.

Me: So then what’s it like being friends with someone who has this level of awesomeness?

Stacey: It’s a tough act to follow. Big shoes. But always fabulous shoes.

Me: Thank you! So your husband Scotty is quite the hottie. What’s it like being married to such a handsome man?

Stacey: It has its moments of being awesome, but sometimes I’m like “Okay chick, I’m sitting right here. Enough with the staring.” And here I am his chubby wife.

Me: Stop it, you are beautiful. But I understand where you are coming from. I always feel that away about Uberman too. Like when I meet people he works with or something I wonder if they feel sorry for him because his wife is fluffy. You guys have been married for 12 years. What’s your secret to success?

Stacey: Don’t be afraid to argue. I think it’s crazy that people try to strive for perfection. I’d rather be real and have arguments and then go out to dinner and get over it. Especially the going out to dinner part.

Me: So true! I feel the same way. This is why I love you. You like to eat. So what’s your favorite food?

Stacey: Sushi.

Me: Really? I can’t do it.

Stacey: You’re missing out. Only two things we disagree on, Beyonce and Sushi.

Me: I probably don’t like them for the same reasons. Cold and slimy and neither can sing. What’s your favorite accessory?

Stacey: Purses. They always fit.

Me: Ha! That is awesome. I love that.

Stacey: They never betray you.

Me: Word. So true. You’re a pretty fashion savvy chick. As a redhead, are there things that inhibit you from wearing what you want?

Stacey: Yes, there are colors I can’t wear. Obviously orange is out. I would love to wear pink and I can’t. Can’t do khaki or beige, it disappears on me. But I’m loving these flow-y peasant tops that are in right now. A few years ago when it was all tight t-shirts, that was a nightmare.

Me: I feel you there sister. Speaking of sisters, what’s it like being the oldest of three?

Stacey: My sisters are awesome. I couldn't ask for anything better. It is kind of overwhelming being sisters with two girls who are so incredibly gorgeous and beautiful. That’s where the self esteem issues come in.

Me: What are you talking about? You are all GORGEOUS. You are too hard on yourself. And your sister Nikki is just a freak, no one can compete with that level of beauty. But I think she has something bad somewhere, like a big hairy mole on her back or something. Otherwise it’s just unfair.

Stacey: True! So true! My sisters are my best friends. We are a close crazy family and I am very protective of them. And they are of me. That’s the way it should be.

Me: Your mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. What is the most important thing you learned from her?

Stacey: She raised me to be independent and strong willed. She always says she raised us not to take crap from anyone. And we don’t. I’m not the girl that sits back and says “Oh that screw needs to be tightened, I need to wait for my husband to do it.” I’m going to do it myself. I don’t need to wait for anyone to do something for me. If there is a problem, I take care of it myself. I mean I can’t change my oil or anything but I do what I can.

Me: That’s why God invented Jiffy Lube. Your family is in the middle of a pretty major crisis. Your nephew Jack is battling cancer. (Jack was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma in March of this year. You can read his blog here.) And he’s just a baby. But one thing I notice about all of you is that you stay positive. You guys aren't standing there feeling sorry for yourselves and asking why this is happening. No one is questioning God or saying woe is me. Laurie is always so positive about how wonderful he is doing and asking for prayers for all the other children they have met in the hospital. You guys are just so thankful all the time. I think anyone in your situation has a right to a little self pity, but you guys don’t give in. How do you do it?

Stacey: We question why. We have days where we wonder why this is happening. But this whole experience has opened our eyes to what people really go through. I used to get emails forwarded to me about other kids going through the same thing and I would think “Oh that’s sad!” And then I wouldn't think about it again. But now I am the one forwarding these messages and I am expecting people to get on their knees and pray. It has opened our eyes to how selfish we can be and how thankful we need to be for every little thing. We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of support we have received from strangers. And for Zac and Laurie to meet all of these parents who are going through the same thing has helped them cope. I mean this is their child. Their baby. He’s my nephew and I love him, but at the end of the day I have no idea what my sister is going through or what she is feeling. They have met people that are unfortunate enough to have this in common, and we are so thankful for the support they get.

Me: How is Jack doing?

Stacey: He’s doing very well. He just finished round 5 of chemotherapy and his levels are really good. Normally right now he would be getting platelets but his levels are so great he doesn't need them.

Me: So what’s next with his treatment?

Stacey: He has his next x-ray June 28th to see if the tumor in his chest is operable. If it is, they will probably remove it that Wednesday, which is June 30th. After that, there’s more chemo and then bone scans to see if it’s pulling out of his bones. In August or September he will have 30 to 60 days in the hospital in isolation while he goes through a stem cell transplant. We won’t even be able to visit him at that time, only Zac and Laurie can be with him then.

Me: If there are people who are reading this and want to help, what can they do?

Stacey: They can go to thejackmortonfoundation.org and click on donate. The medical bills are enormous. They have insurance, but it doesn't cover everything. He has coinsurance and out of pocket costs and he has already surpassed one quarter of his life time max in three months. That, to me, is terrifying. And they have to pay all his prescriptions out of pocket. The costs are just horrendous. Every dollar helps. Also Loco Patron in Scottsdale is hosting a Casino night June 24 at 8:30 PM and all proceeds will go to the Jack Morton Foundation. One hundred percent of the donations benefit Jack’s continuing care. Everyone should go out there and have a great time! (You can also join the Facebook group I’m Praying for Jack! We are trying to get 1000 members! Come on, help us out!!)

Me: Stacey, I love you. Why do you think we get along so well?

Stacey: Because we are so alike. My mom was your work mom. She raised you at work and she raised me at home. We are the same. So it’s all because of Mom.

Me: I totally agree.

Stacey: I remember when you stayed with us when Mom and Dad went out of town once. I thought you were so school because you had that teal green Geo Storm.

Me: I know! The only thing cooler than the teal green Geo Storm was my red Miata. But I was so jealous when your mom bought you the Jeep.

Stacey: Hey I made the payments on that! But I was pretty bad ass with my red jeep and cow print seat covers. And the scrunchy on the gear shift.

Me: I always had a scrunchy on my gear shift too! We were so cool!

Stacey: That’s why we are friends. Obviously.

Thank you Stacey! For taking the time to talk to me, for indulging my ridiculous whims, and for being such an amazing friend. I cherish you and I wish you didn't live so far away. Can't wait to see you next month!! Mmmwah! (That was supposed to be a kiss but now that I am looking at it, it just looks stupid. But you get the general idea.)

I have other interviews all lined up! If you are willing to be interviewed, send me an email! I love talking to anyone and everyone. Unless you're creepy. In that case, no thanks.

It's Thursday and I'm feeling random so this is gonna be a lame post. Plus I spend the whole time telling you what to do.

2010-06-17T19:46:00.010-07:00

Oh my gosh you guys. I have had such an overwhelming response about my idea of having an interview series! You guys are all such attention whores. But that is even better for me! What started out as a whim, a last ditch effort to save me from blogger's block, has turned into the most exciting thing since I found Steve Madden peep toe sling backs at Ross for $9.99. I know dudes. I am PSYCHED! If you are interested in being interviewed, email me. I would be happy to showcase your talents or lack there of. This is gonna be so awesome!

In other news, I am thoroughly enjoying my new career adventure so far. Right now I am in training, which can suck at times, but I really like ~~almost~~ everyone in my class. And after working in a small building with the same eight obnoxious ~~assholes~~ people for the last two years, it so fabulous to be in a building with 3000 people to make friends with and talk ~~about~~ to. I love looking at what everyone is wearing. So fun! Getting up at 5:oo am, however?? Not so fun. I want to go all Office Space on my alarm clock every morning.

Yesterday morning, I actually saw a little person walking a pony. On a harness. I guess it could have been a miniature horse, I don't really know. I don't know the difference and furthermore don't really care. The point is, seeing a little person walking down the street with a pony on a harness is like seeing a shooting star. I didn't know if I should make a wish or buy a lottery ticket, but I knew it was gonna be a good day. I mean how could it not be, right?

Ubes and I started watching a new show on the Travel Channel called Bert the Conqueror. You guys. I was practically peeing my pants watching this show. This guy, Bert, duh, travels the world facing his fears on different amusement park rides. His reaction is hilarious. I could not breathe, I was laughing so hard. Check him out.

Are any of you on Twitter? I know some of you are. I feel like I am finally getting into the swing of things Twitter-wise. I have finally figured out how to use it to best suit my needs. It helps that I don't seem to get a lot of fake followers anymore. Most of the fake followers are porn sites. I call them Twatters. I know, clever, right? I am funny. Not sure if you have heard.

Anyhoo, one of my favorite Twitterers . . . Tweeters? People I follow? Hell I don't know what you call them. Maybe I don't get Twitter after all. ANYWAY, sheesh, I really enjoy Dave Hill. Freaking hilarious comedian/musician and "highly boneable public figure." He's quirky and goofy and oddly clever and I find myself laughing out loud when I read his tweets. You may not like him, but I do and that makes me cool. You can also read his blog here. He used to have a show on the now defunct Mojo network called The King of Miami. Just a suggestion. If you don't like him, you are weird. But I think I can overlook that and we can still be friends.

What else is going on?? Hmmmm.....

OH! Last night Ubes, The Best Man, the Best Man's girl Ethel and I got to go to a test screening of a kick ass new movie that is not even coming out until August! It was awesome! And I am not even allowed to talk about it or tell you the name of the movie or anything or I could be sued. Swear to God. I had to sign a paper and everything. And I got frisked going into the theater. Which, I am not going to lie, was kind of enjoyable. But I couldn't bring my cell phone in and I felt naked and weird. I mean what do people do with all that time before the movie starts? Ethel and I were all "This sucks. I wonder what's going on on Facebook right now. I wonder who is texting me..." It was awful. Even the popcorn Ubes bought me didn't make me feel better. But then the super secret totally awesome movie started and it was all good again. As soon as I am legally allowed to do a review, I will! So sit tight.

Speaking of movies, I can not wait to see Toy Story 3 this weekend. We are taking Ubes for Father's Day. And I just know I am going to cry through the whole movie. Andy's going to college you guys! Can you even believe he's all growed up? I get all verklempt just watching the preview. Jeez, I am tearing up right now. I know. I'm a huge goober. But that's okay because I am cool with it.

Okay I guess that's all for now. I am so flipping tired you guys. Getting up at 5:00 sucks. Big time. But coffee is my new best friend. And my super awesome new work has a cafeteria with 4 choices of coffee, including Hazelnut! And four choices of cream, including Vanilla! Hellz yeah!

Peace out dudes, I am going to bed.

An Interview: Uberman

2010-06-14T19:07:00.004-07:00

So I have been a little stumped at what to blog about lately. Seeing as how my life has been so exciting. I know dude. Watch out Lindsay Lohan. I am taking over as America's Wild Child.

So I had an idea to interview some people and turn it into a maybe weekly post. What do you think? Well, too bad because I am doing it anyway.

My first guest is none other than the amazing Uberman. (Thunderous applause!) And away we go....

Me: Uberman, we would like to welcome you to the blog. How are you doing today?
Ubes: Doing what?
Me: No, how are you doing today? Like, what's your overall mood?
Ubes: About an 8.
Me: Is that a scale of 1 to 10?
Ubes: 1 to 11.
Me: Why just an 8?
Ubes: Because there is always room for improvement.
Me: So what's it like being married to the most awesome woman in the universe?
Ubes: Awesome.
Me: Come on! You have to be interesting.
Ubes: (Burps loudly)
Me: (Glares. Rolls eyes while making a "Hmph" sound.) Babe! Come on. Please help me with this!
Ubes: Ok.
Me: What's it like being married to the most awesome woman in the universe?
Ubes: I'll let you know when I marry her.
Me: Okay so what's it like being married to me?
Ubes: An interesting adventure every day. Good enough to make a movie out of.
Me: AW! That's really sweet. What's your favorite thing that we do together?
Ubes: (giggles)
Me: Besides that?
Ubes: I love seeing the world with you. I like it when we get up on Sunday mornings and watch travel shows all day.
Me: What's your favorite place we have ever been?
Ubes: Driving on the Autobahn. Or Yankee Stadium. Or the Hofbrauhaus.
Me: What do you like most about my hair?
Ubes: It smells good.
Me: What about my face?
Ubes: It's pretty.
Me: What's your favorite pair of my shoes?
Ubes: The hooker ones.
Me: Which ones?
Ubes: Those new gold and brown ones you just got are pretty bad ass.
Me: YES! I love those too!
Ubes: And I like your pink Air Force Ones.
Me: What's your favorite thing I cook for you?
Ubes: Wonder Mix.
Me: What about dinner?
Ubes: Soup. I like it when you make me soup.
Me: Who's my coolest friend?
Ubes: Flint. She brings me beer.
Me: You realize this is going to cause serious fall out? Kristen is gonna be pissed you didn't pick her. And what about Dee? She is not going to be happy. And what about Erin?? She might stop bringing you salsa!
Ubes: Clint is the one who makes it.
Me: You probably just got kicked out of Erin's inner circle with that comment.
Ubes: Bros before hos.
Me: If you could surprise me with one totally awesome gift, what would it be?
Ubes: A winning lottery ticket. A book deal. A trip around the world. Dinner with Sam Calagione.
Me: Mmmmmm, Sam.... What do you like most about our kids?
Ubes: They make me happy. I like being a dad.
Me: I think you favor Boo.
Ubes: Because she's a baby.
Me: She's six.
Ubes: She's still my baby girl. She still has all her baby teeth.
Me: If you could be a superhero, who would you be?
Ubes: Wolverine. Because he's bad ass and he rides a motorcycle and he gets to hook up with hot chicks. No wait. I'd be Iron Man. Because of all those things and he has cool cars and he likes to party.
Me: What famous person would you like to have dinner with? And don't say Megan Fox.
Ubes: Beyonce.
Me: Where do you want to sleep tonight?
Ubes: What?
Me: What famous person would you like to have dinner with? For real?
Ubes: Derek Jeter.
Me: What?? Why?
Ubes: Because he's Derek Jeter. Or that new foreign chick from She's Out of My League.
Me: No.
Ubes: This isn't fair. You are asking me and I am answering. You can't say no.
Me: I can do whatever I want. It's my interview. Tell me three things you would like to do before you die.
Ubes: Own my own brewery, go to Cooperstown, and run with the bulls in Pamplona.
Me: How do you feel about my blog?
Ubes: I didn't like it at first but now I dig it.
Me: Why?
Ubes: Because it's a creative outlet and you are creative. It's a good thing. You got me into blogging. It has opened new doors for us.
Me: Except I never get anything free like you do. It sucks. Even William at Poop and Boogies gets free diapers. Sheesh. You would think I could score some free shoes. Or at least some diet coke with vanilla from Sonic.
Ubes: Yeah. Bastards.
Me: What are you going to get me for my birthday?
Ubes: Vibrating panties.
Me: I'd rather have an iPad. And shoes.
Ubes: I'll see what I can do.
Me: What do you love most about me?
Ubes: I love that you make me laugh. All the time. You make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Me: Aw! You are so sweet. Will you run to Sonic and get me a diet coke with vanilla?
Ubes: Hell no. I'm not going anywhere.
Me: (Sighs)

And scene.

If you are interested in being interviewed by me, please let me know. I would be happy to include you in my new weekly series. And for those of you who don't want to be interviewed by me, too bad. I am asking you anyway. (Gotham Girl, I'm looking at you. And you too Virginia. And William. And Stacey. And Karen. And Mom. And Travis. Prepare yourselves!)

Rediscovery. Is that even a word? Do I really care?

2010-06-09T17:11:00.005-07:00

Being locked in a tiny room with 9 other people for 8 hours a day brings all of your issues right out in the open. Have you ever noticed that? So I am rediscovering a few things about myself. Things I knew, things you probably know. But let's go over them anyway. Mmmmkay?

I was born without a filter, a fast metabolism and patience.

I don't like it when someone else is wasting my time.

However, I am totally okay with wasting my own time.

I roll my eyes a lot. They are currently sore.

I like to look at people's shoes.

I am addicted to my phone and when I can't check my texts or send texts I get the shakes.

I drink an alarming amount of diet coke.

Summer in Arizona is hot.

I have zero tolerance for bullshit.

I don't enjoy it when people go "Mmmmmmmm...." while they are eating. Once maybe during the first few bites, but continuing this noise through the entire meal and you are just begging me to stab you in the neck with my fork.

Quiet people make me nervous. I don't know what they are thinking. But I am pretty sure they are afraid of me and/or think I am obnoxious.

I used to be photogenic. Not that I am saying I am gorgeous or anything, I mean I am okay and I have a pretty cute nose, but I used to take a decent picture. And now? Not so much. I got my badge at work today. I look really tired. And constipated. And fat. And like I just gave up and quit caring about my hair. And let's not even talk about my eyebrows. It's not good. My passport picture is still the worst picture ever, but at least it's hilarious. No really. I look at it sometimes just to put myself in a good mood. Hilarious! But rest assured I had on fabulous shoes. Too bad you can't see those in the picture.... Sigh. (And I really don't understand why the badge picture taking lady thought that was such a weird request, but whatever.)

I'm tired. 5:00 AM is freaking early.

I love it when you guys comment. It makes my day. Gives me something to look forward to when I am reunited with my phone. But no pressure or anything....

More Random Thoughts - (I'm a lazy blogger, I'm aware!)

2010-06-07T18:32:00.007-07:00

Started the new job today. It went pretty well. Honestly I was just thankful to be there. My background check didn't clear until Friday morning. Yeah, three days ago. And if it didn't clear by Friday, I wasn't starting until it did. I was sweatin' it, Bro. But it cleared and all is right with the world. Yay!

Ubes and I spent the weekend doing yard work. We thought we would be all frugal and awesome and rent a rototiller for the lawn and poof! Fresh and clean yard! Wow were we stupid. There was a whole lotta sweating and shoveling and raking and weed pulling and griping about jacked up pedicures. Okay so the complaining part was just me. Ubes did most of the raking and shoveling and weed pulling and didn't complain at all. He just raked and shoveled and wiped his brow and asked me if I was staying hydrated. The man is a saint. I don't know how the hell he puts up with me.

Are you going to judge me if I tell you I can hardly wait for the premier of Big Brother in July?? I know. I'm sick.

It's hot. Like hot hot. I'm hot. I go outside and I can feel my makeup melting on my face. That is not a good feeling. I don't enjoy it. I really don't enjoy the feeling of my heels sinking in the pavement either. Gooey mascara is fixable. Tar on a stiletto is not.

Saw Sex & The City 2 with my MIL, SIL, Ubes' cousin the Teacher, and her mom the Principal. It was okay. I'm glad I saw it, but it wasn't as good as the first. I'm going to see it again this week with Raia. I asked Ubes if he wanted to see it with me and the conversation went like this:

Me: Want to go see SATC2 with me?
Ubes: HELL NO.
Me: Why?
Ubes: Because I'll probably get my period and then what are we gonna do?

His good looks will one day fade, but he will keep me laughing forever.

Anyhoo, my favorite part was where Charlotte and Miranda were talking about how hard it is to be a mother. Duuuuuude. I teared up. I have so been there. Even now, I constantly feel guilt about working. But this is what I have to do to help my family right now. And even if I didn't have to, I would still want to. And I don't think I should be made to feel guilty about that. I get sick of the whole Working Mom versus Stay At Home Mom. We are all moms. We should just be there to support one another through this journey. Let's stop the stone throwing ladies. On both sides of the fence.

On a completely different note, I want to give a shout out to my Bunco girls. I know I tell you guys all the time how lucky I am to have these women in my life, but really, these words do not do justice to my feelings for this group of girls. Last week we ended the evening with some seriously personal discussions. I left that night so thankful that we all feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about that stuff. I love these girls! Every one of them! So Erin, Brooke, JDubb, Kim, Wendy, Diane, Amy, Katie, Flint, Mary O, and Becky - Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Thank you for telling me the truth instead of what you think I want to hear. Thank you for being my friend! I love each and every one of you so much!

And I'll leave you with that. Looking forward to tomorrow, my first actual in class training day. Funny how you can already tell who is going to irritate the hell out of you, huh?

Peace out peeps....

Random Thoughts - Ping Pong Ball Style

2010-06-01T22:33:00.005-07:00

I spent the day hanging out by the pool with my girlfriends and all 170 of our kids. This being off work thing is pretty frickin' awesome. Except my right leg is super sunburned. Just my right leg. Like I was smearing sunblock on and left out my whole right leg. Almost one fourth of my body. Yeah, I don't get it either. The bad news is I actually have a blister on my shin. A blister. And now I am probably going to get skin cancer and die. Which is super inconvenient. Because I have plans, people. I got stuff to do, ya know?

I start the new job Monday. I will be in training for the ENTIRE summer. But I did receive an email today with my post-training schedule. I will be working four ten hour days with Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. I am psyched. This means I will get to consistently volunteer at the kids' school next year. One of the major bummers for me as a working mom is not being as involved at the school. So this is almost the best of both worlds.

One of the kindergarten moms made each kid a DVD with pictures from the entire year set to music. It was so lovely. And Boo has watched it at least a bajillion times. We watched it right away when we got home from the last day of school. I'm not gonna lie. I cried. I can't believe my baby is going to be a first grader.

While we sat on the family room floor in front of the TV, she stretched her little leg out and rubbed the top of my foot with hers. "My foot loves your foot," she said. I felt my heart burst at that moment. She's a joy.

I have been so busy this past week and a half that I haven't accomplished anything I wanted to with my time off. So I am staying home the next three days to get everything done. Wish me luck. It is quite the to do list.

My Google Reader is stressing me the flip out. Every time I log on, it reminds me I have like 389 unread posts. I don't need this kind of pressure. I don't need Google Reader giving me anxiety. I am thinking of not using it anymore because I am so stressed out about it. I don't need the computer to make me feel like a failure. I can get on the scale for that kind of a beat down.

Oh, and I am officially boycotting Perez Hilton. And you should, too. I am SICK of him talking SHIT about Arizona and the immigration bill. Calling it ridiculous, racist and unconstitutional. Encouraging famous people to boycott our state because of it. It is not ridiculous, racist or unconstitutional. It is an exact restatement of the federal law that is already in place. If I go out of this country, I am expected to carry my passport at all times. I can be stopped in another country for ANY reason and asked to show my passport. The immigration bill specifically says in ALL CAPS that a person CAN NOT BE STOPPED FOR NO REASON. So you know what Perez? You don't live here. Mind your own business and shut the eff up. You have obviously not read the bill. Read the bill! And don't you dare call me a racist. When my husband and children are MEXICAN. Not Hispanic. MEXICAN and proud of it. Now if you will excuse me I need to climb off my soap box, delete you from my bookmarks and Google skin cancer. Thank you and good day.