Wednesday, May 1, 2013

We're just going to pretend like I haven't been AWOL for almost a year, mmmmkay?

(So I started this post a week ago... Funny to see how things have changed in the matter of 7 days... Just keep that in mind as you read this.)

My work life is miserable right now. MISERABLE.

Almost a year ago, I moved to the night shift as a favor. Just to fill in while other people were being trained. It was just temporary. Or so they said...

My temporary stint was supposed to be up in September. And then September came and went and I was still there. We were too short staffed at night, they needed me, blah blah blah. So my time was extended to December. December came and went. And then I was told I could go back to a normal shift in February.

No dice.

And then finally! A light at the end of the tunnel!! I would be released to the daylight in June! Fo sho. Mo fo.

Last week two people got fired and one person quit. And if you know anything about word problems, you know this means April isn't going anywhere.

So now I will apparently be able to return to a day shift in August. Whatever. You know why they call it the graveyard shift? Because that's where your career goes to die. Guess who's been job hunting?

And you guys would not believe my new cubie. Have you ever had a really bad roommate? Like Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill bad?

Spike: "There's something wrong with this yogurt."
Will: "That's not yogurt. It's mayonaise."

Well my cubie is THAT bad. She never shuts up. Ever. Can you imagine how bad it must be if I'm the one complaining about someone who talks too much? I will literally turn my back and put headphones in and she will just keep talking. And even more annoying, she'll start tapping me on the back and shoulder to get my attention so I'll listen to her stupid stories about her cat. Or the duck swimming in her pool. Or her juvenile delinquent teenagers.

And the noises she makes when she eats! The crunching. The lip smacking. The chomping. Oh. My. God. She is eating a lollipop right now while I type this to you and I am about two seconds from killing her. AND the person who passed out lollipops to help keep us awake. I don't want to be that asshole who tells her boss she has to move because her cubie has no manners. I am going to lose my mind.

Speaking of weird people at work...

There's this lady that I see occasionally. I don't work directly with her, I just see her in the hall or passing by. I've had friendly conversations with her about the weather or whatever. But we aren't friends, you know? So all of the sudden she started calling me Jennifer.


"Hi Jennifer! Long time no see," she says.

And for some reason, I never correct her. I just wave and say hello and keep walking. I guess I don't want to embarrass her by telling her my name isn't Jennifer.

And then one day all of the sudden she asks about my mom.

"How is your mom doing? Did you guys have a nice lunch the other day?"

Um..... What?

So instead of saying "Lady, what the hell are you talking about?" I just nod and say thank you and keep walking.

"Hey Jennifer, where did you say you got those pretty shoes you had on the other day?"
"Hey Jennifer, how do you like your new car?"
"Hey Jennifer, how was your vacation?"

There must be some cute chubby girl walking around this place who looks just like me. And this crazy lady thinks we are the same person. And they're having small talk about the weather and stuff. And Jennifer sure sounds like she's got a pretty cool life right now. Vacation. New car. Pretty shoes. And I'm so miserable.

"Hi Jennifer! Long time no see," she said as I came in to the office the other day. "Hey, I've been meaning to ask. How is your cat?"
"My cat?" I asked, not hiding my confusion.
"What did the vet say?" She looked so concerned. I took a deep breath before I answered.
"She died. We're getting a puppy. I never really liked cats anyway. Have a great day!" And I bounced up the stairs.

I need to get the hell out of here. Stat.

(UPDATE: The day after I wrote this I received a call regarding a position I applied for three months ago at another company. I assumed I wasn't being considered since I had not heard anything. I interviewed a few days later and they offered me the position yesterday. I turned in my resignation last night. And tonight my current employer counter offered with a promotion and a new schedule. I have not made a decision yet. I hate big decisions. Being a grown up sucks. I am sure this is the karma I get for telling the crazy lady Jennifer's cat died.)