Thursday, December 8, 2011

A letter to Target

Dear Target,

I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.

I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??

Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.

I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.

I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???

That's what I thought.

Happy Holidays,

April, former Target shopper

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Is anyone still reading this crap?

Hello?? Is anyone out there?
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Do you remember me? I'm April. I used to write stuff. You guys would come here and read about my life and kids and that guy I'm married to. I would tell you random stories about my daily encounters with stupid people. I talked about shoes. A lot. And food. I like food. And Daniel Craig. I made fun of people pretty regularly. It was some good times.
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And then I got really busy with my kids and my job and my extracurricular activities (ie, Pinterest and Words with Friends) and I stopped writing as often. And then I just stopped all together.
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And then I missed you.
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I got really grumpy because I wasn't channeling my creative juices properly. But I had a lot to say and not the right words to say it. You know? Are you feeling me? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
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Honestly... I think I got a little depressed. Gasp.
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I know. Shocking.
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But in the last few months I have experienced some MAJOR changes. All without medication.

So here is what has been going on....
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Ubes and I moved. Downsized. Majorly.
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Ubes and I discovered we have a lot of shit.
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Ubes and I vowed to stop buying so much shit.
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Ubes and I became eternally grateful for our amazing friends who helped us move. (Bud, Diane, Brooke, Jovina, Erin and Kim. We love you. Thanks for helping us with all of our shit.)(Yes, we have a friend named Bud. How bad ass are we?)
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I switched jobs. Same company. Different job, different boss. The jury's still out on that one.
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Ubes and I went on the Cruise of Awesomeness with 13 friends. Fun times were had by all. There was dancing. There was karaoke-ing. There was a lot of eating (three words: bacon mac & cheese). There was laughing. Someone broke their toe. Someone did the white man's overbite. A lot. It was definitely awesome.
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Ubes and I went to Colorado for 6 days to train at a brewery. It was by far one of the best vacations we have ever had. We are in full force pursuit of our dream. It is both scary and exciting.
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I closed the door on a 20 year friendship. It was heartbreaking. But it was the best decision for me at this time in my life. I harbor no hard feelings and wish this person nothing but the best. But this relationship was not bringing anything positive to my life. It hurts to let go of history like that. But a friendship shouldn't be such hard work. People grow apart. People change. Maybe it was me. But if I don't think you are a positive contribution to my life, then I am certain I am not a positive contribution to yours. It sucks. But sometimes it's necessary to weed the garden. There are some weeds that look like flowers. But the stems are full of thorns. And that's all I'm going to say about it.
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My oldest son is taller than I am. He wants to be an architect. I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between his voice and his father's.
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My middle child won his school's spelling bee. And an award for outstanding character. And showed me how to work my new iPhone.
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My daughter lost one of her top teeth. This weekend she will be the flower girl in Ubes' youngest cousin's wedding. She has announced her official retirement as a flower girl. She wants to go out on top of her game. She is also asking Santa for silver sequined Uggs. And please Santa, no knock offs. She may be eight, but she's not stupid. Mmmmkay?
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And we're all caught up. I'd like to write more often. I'll see what I can do.