Monday, March 21, 2011

Thursday, March 17, 2011

After reading this you will want to go on a road trip with me.

So Wednesday I took the kids on a little day trip to Sedona. In case you don't know anything about Sedona, it's a freakfest. A town full of weirdo's who believe in the power of crystals and psychics and UFO's and all that stuff. There are a few normal people who live there, like my parents. But even that is debatable.

Apparently there are vortexes all over Sedona that increase your psychic ability and help you communicate with other life forms and a bunch of other useless crap like that. I think we need to write a letter to the chamber of commerce, because there should be one that is useful. Like one that increases your ability to save money or improves your boobies. I would be kicking people out of the way to stand in one of those vortexes, am I right?

But this is not the point of my story... I left two of my babies at my parents house until the weekend, so it was just me and Junior on the drive home. When I left my house, I had more than a half a tank of gas. I figured that was plenty for the trip to and from. I mean it's only a little over a hundred miles. One way. I know. I had my head up my ass as usual. And being a complete moron, I also wasn't thinking that the way up is literally "up" a mountain. So 2o minutes after I left my mom's house, my gas light came on. Well, duh.

Crap.

Ubes would KILL me if I ran out of gas. On the highway. With his firstborn child in the car. I figured I could probably make it to the outlets at Anthem. Most of the way home was down hill. I could totally coast, right? So for the next several miles I kept my eye on the gas needle and my foot off the pedal. As much as possible anyway. But it didn't take long for me to realize I probably wouldn't make it to Anthem.

As luck would have it, I passed a sign indicating gas could be purchased in Black Canyon City.

Have you been to Black Canyon City? No? And why would you? It's just a rinky dink hick town built on the side of I17. Unless you are from there and then I am sure it is lovely.

Anyhoo...

So I get off the freeway and follow the signs to the gas station. And it seemed like we were driving forever in the middle of nowhere before we finally started seeing signs of a town. (Come on Black Canyon City, I think we are stretching things a bit, don't you?) There were four gangly teenage boys walking along the main street, probably out looking to score some Oxy, and they literally stopped and stared at us as we drove by.

Junior and I looked at each other.

"Is it just me, or do you hear banjo music?" he asked.
"I know, right?" I said. "Let's find the gas station and get out of here. I'm pretty sure this is where they filmed Children of the Corn."

I pulled into the gas station ($3.79 a gallon?!?!) and stopped the car at the pump. There was a garage in the back, two service bays with the doors open. A man wearing dirty overalls walked slowly out of one of the bays and leaned against the doorway. He stood there, cleaning a dipstick with an oily, blue rag as he watched me.

"How do?" I said cheerfully, thinking maybe if I spoke his language he would let me and the boy go.

He just nodded once, turned his head to the side, and spit. I took a deep breath and stared at the gas pump, slowly ticking cent by cent. I put in just enough gas to get me almost 30 miles to Anthem and jumped back in the car.

"Check that guy out," Junior said, pointing his cell phone camera at Cooter, who was now picking his teeth with the dipstick. I grabbed his phone.

"Are you trying to get us killed?" I asked him.

Needless to say, we got the hell out of Dodge. And the moral of this story?

Those hippie, crystal worshipping, recycle freaks in Sedona suddenly didn't look so bad.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This is the awesomeness that is my life. You can't make this stuff up.

So yesterday I was wearing super cute shoes. I mean I wear super cute shoes every day, c'mon. But I really love my little black mules with the bow on the side. Wish I could find a picture, but I can't.

In case you are not familiar with mules, they are a slip on shoe with a heel, the back is totally open. So when you walk the back kind of flops with each step and you have to kind of curl your toes to keep them on. Which sounds really uncomfortable, but you don't even notice because you are too excited about wearing cute shoes to care. Get it? And then when you walk down stairs in those shoes, it sounds like you are clomping and stomping and a heard of elephants is following you.

But what is our motto people? Fashion before comfort! Let's all say it together:

Fashion before comfort!

So anyhoosies, yesterday I was going down the stairs at work, and this man was coming up at the same time. We passed at the landing, where he turned to go up and I turned to go down. He was a little too close as he passed me so he kind of brushed my arm. And because I am super nice and polite I said "excuse me." But in that split second moment as I opened my mouth to form the words, I relaxed my toes and the heel of my shoe kind of hit the ground funny and made a . . . um, awkward . . . noise . . . that kind of sounded really similar to a . . . ummmm . . . fart.

And before I could stop the words . . . I said excuse me.

But I was talking about the fact that we were so close and that he brushed my arm! But it really sounded like I was saying excuse me for farting.

And what was I supposed to do? Say "No, really, that was my shoe."

Yeah, sure it was.

He actually paused and looked at me in shock and I just kept on walking people. Face bright red. Scrunching my toes to keep my stupid shoe on.

I'm never wearing those shoes again and now I want to die. The end.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

ABC's and 26 things about me. You are so excited. I can tell.

I want to post more. I do. I really, really do. So I stole this little bit of inspiration/easy post from here. She's fab.

Age: 39. And fabulous.

Bed size: King

Chore you dislike: Folding the laundry. We have too many clothes in this house.

Dogs: Yes, two little jerk face fuzzballs who wake up at 5:00 AM and want to go outside.

Essential start of your day: Caffeine. Coffee on a work day, Diet coke at home.

Favorite color: Depends on what we are talking about. Love Pink. Love Red. Love a citrusy lime green.

Gold or Silver: Mostly silver. But love gold too.

Height: My license says 5' 5", but really I am 5' 4 1/2"

Instruments you played: Didgeridoo. No not really. But wouldn't that be awesome?

Job Title: Mom. Wife. Professional Ass Kisser.

Kids: Yes, three amazing ones that are cuter than yours.

Live: Phoenix-ish

Mom's name: Lana. Backwards it is Anal. The irony is not lost on anyone.

Nicknames: Apes. I didn't pick it for myself people.

Overnight hospital stays: 3. All Baby related. And hopefully that's it.

Pet Peeve: Oh dude. We could be here all day talking about this. But I really hate it when people make smacking noises when they eat.

Quote from a movie: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void." - Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

Righty or Lefty: Righty

Siblings: That's complicated. Technically yes, 1. But really, no. I fit the only child profile.

Time you wake up: 5:00 AM. See above note about jerkface puppies.

Underwear: Uuuummm, is this a question? Because the answer is yes.

Vegetables you don't like: Wow. This should be Vegetables You Like. That would be a smaller list. I like lettuce. That's about it. Which explains the voluptuous figure, eh?

What makes you run late: Ha! Another loaded question. Mostly, Uberman. The dude was born a month over due, and the doctor had to smoke him out. What does that tell you? Also, 3 kids, procrastination, laziness and my constant quest to find my keys.

X-rays you've had: Well I am clumsy so I have had x-rays on my arm, finger, back, foot (twice), and of course, teeth.

Yummy food you make: I make a chicken enchilada soup that is so delicious you might cry. I also make a pretty mean oatmeal raisin cookie, even though I never eat them. And of course, Wondermix.

Zoo Animal Favorite: I love the monkeys. Who doesn't? I also love Giraffes. So graceful and beautiful.

Okay, so what should we talk about next?