Monday, February 28, 2011

Random thoughts on a Monday. I suck at posting lately. I'm aware.

I'm sick of coughing. And I'm sure everyone around me is sick of listening to me cough. I sound like an 80 year old bingo player with a 5 pack a day habit. Or my aunt Melva. (If you are reading this and you know Aunt Melva, please do not tell her I said this because she will kick my ass and I am terrified of her.)(You would be too.)

Natalie Portman best actress?? Really Oscar?? I saw the Black Swan and I have to say I strongly disagree. The girl is awesome at crying on cue. But that does not a best actress make. Puh-leeeez.

Kudos on the choice of Colin Firth and The King's Speech. I heartily agree. I will be Mrs. Colin Firth in my next life. You will all be invited to the wedding. I will wear these shoes. You will all oohh and aahh and be really jealous of my shoes and new husband.

I think Charlie Sheen needs to SHUT UP. He and Lindsay Lohan should runaway together. To the Moon.

My in this life husband, the amazing Uberman, is making custom t-shirts. Email me if you are interested. No, really.

Are you guys watching Party Down on Netflix? If not, you are not as cool as I am.

Although, Travis hated Party Down. Travis has really bad taste in movies and TV shows. And also music. Travis loves Cold Play. Need I say more?

My puppies are cuter than your puppies.

Everyone I know is pregnant. If this is a contagious epidemic, I am going to be pissed.

I've been craving chocolate cake for two weeks. Fat camp sucks.

My kids have spring break in two weeks and I have the week off with them. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.

Okay this was fun. Let's do it again soon.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

So the flu hit my whole house and this is all I got....

I'm calling shenanigans on flu shots. Because I got a flu shot. And guess what else I got? THE FLU. So that's it. I'm done. I'm not going to waste my time getting stuck with needles and having a sore arm for a week just to get the flu anyway because that sucks.

And I am pretty sure this flu is some kind of zombie virus. And I really don't want to be a zombie you guys because zombies don't really care much about their appearance. And I have reputation to uphold, you know? But I fear my transition is imminent. Because yesterday my hair looked like crap and I didn't have the energy to wear any accessories. That's a sure sign.

Sigh.

And do guys know what is worse than having the zombie flu? Having a husband with the zombie flu. Because husbands are big babies when it comes to the flu. Zombie or otherwise. Because no matter how sick you are, they are sicker than you ever thought about being. I mean you are so sick you want to die. You are so sick you actually go to Super Target in your pajamas and a ponytail and don't even care who you might run into because ohmygod you just need to know where they are hiding the freaking Tylenol Cold and Flu. But he is obviously way sicker because he couldn't even fathom getting out of bed and oh by the way since you are already up can you get him some more Gatorade?

I mean seriously people.

But does he want to go to the Urgent Care? No. Of course not. Urgent care is for suckers. Right? But then he won't stop shivering and so he keeps you up at night with his shaking the bed and you are just so tired but he refuses to go to the doctor.

Until his mother suggests it.

Even though I suggested, begged and pleaded for three days. But no. I mean who am I? Only his wife. Only the person he is keeping awake at night with the coughing and nose blowing and fever shaking. No biggie.

But thank God his mom got him to go to the doctor. Because now he is on the antibiotics and we can all go back to normal. And I can sleep again.

At least until I turn into a zombie. I don't think zombies sleep, do they?

Wow. No sleep and no cute clothes. I am not going to like being a zombie.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Bang. You are dead from the cuteness.


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So look what I got over the weekend.
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I know. Can you stand it? Can you smell the puppy breath? Does you heart just want to burst right now? Littlefurryfacesquishypunkinsugarboogers!
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So Wednesday my kids were off school. Teacher in service day or some crap like that. Is it just me or does it seem kids are off school more than on? Whatever, anyway.... So Junior texts me while I am at work.
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He: Hey Mom, Grandpa showed me where they have puppies for sale in the newspaper. Can I call on one?
Me: No.
He: Mom we really want a puppy and Mac and I have money saved. We will help pay for it.
Me: No.
He: Can I ask Dad?
Me: Dad will say no.
He: So you make the decision Mom. You always let Dad make the big decisions. You should start using your power.
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(I know, right? Kid is a master manipulator.)
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Me: Junior. I am at work. I am very busy and important. I can't talk to you about this now. I need to focus on my work.
He: Are you doing online jigsaw puzzles again?
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So I sent Uberman an email.
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Me: The kids want a dog.
He: I know. I think my dad put them up to it.
Me: Should we get them a dog?
He: No.
Me: Junior says I let you make too many of the big decisions and I need to start using my power.
He: See, he knows I am the boss.
Me: Whatever. We're getting the kids a dog.
He: No.
Me: Yes. We can discuss it more at home. I have to go. I am busy.
He: Today's jigsaw puzzle is pretty tough, huh?
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We spent the evening talking about puppies, what kind, what to name one. Did we want a boy or a girl? Who will take care of it if we go out of town? (My mom graciously volunteered.) We decided on a mini schnauzer, because that's what we are used to, we've had them before. We also decided a boy would be best for our family. I spent Thursday and Friday looking at online ads for puppies and calling breeders. Most had only girls left, were too expensive or were sold out.
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Friday night I decided it was a sign. I was getting cold feet.
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Was I willing to give up some of the precious few hours of sleep I get each night to deal with a crying puppy? Did I want to spend my time cleaning up pee and poop? Dealing with all the stuff dogs track in the house? What about the expense of having a dog, the food, the toys, the groomer and vet bills? Plus all the stuff they get into and chew up and destroy?
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No thank you.
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I broke the news to Ubes. Who was disappointed but he understood. Or so I thought.
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Saturday morning we got up and decided to take the kids to lunch and a movie. But on the way, Ubes mad a pit stop in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I just glared at him. I'm not stupid. I knew what he was up to.
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The family had both the mom and the dad dogs with four puppies in a big pen in their family room. One of the puppies was a lot bigger than the others, feisty, playful and curious. The owner picked him up and handed him to Uberman. As soon as he picked him up, a smaller puppy started whimpering and crying. The owner picked him up too and handed him to me, explaining these were the only boy puppies. The one I held whimpered and cried, he was shaking and trying to get to his brother. The one Uberman held was happy and friendly, trying to lick Ubes' face and check out the kids.
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But mine was sweet. I couldn't stand how we was trying so hard to get to his brother. It broke my heart.
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"What do we do?" I asked Ubes. "How do we pick? It's like Sophie's Choice. This one is going to be sad either way."
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"I like this one," Ubes said. "He's big and strong."
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"But this one is so sweet," I whined. "He is so calm. And he's not cute at all. No one will want him."
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Uberman looked at me holding the ugly puppy, our matching big, sad eyes. He turned to the owner. "How much for both?"
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And that's how we left with two damn dogs.
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This is Cooper. He is sweet and quiet and likes to chill out. He is little but he can hold his own when his chubby brother is trying to push him away from the food dish. And he looks pretty bad ass with a faux hawk.
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This is Porter. He is big and fat and rambunctious. He is curious and full of mischief. He likes to pee on the floor and wake up his brother to play at two in the morning. He is also on my shit list for trying to eat my favorite Coach sneakers. I love him but I am pretty sure he is an asshole.
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And so the adventure begins.
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