Thursday, December 8, 2011

A letter to Target

Dear Target,

I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.

I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??

Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.

I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.

I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???

That's what I thought.

Happy Holidays,

April, former Target shopper


Julie said...

OMG, I saw this ad yesterday and felt the EXACT same way. Like, um yeah, do they NOT know it's only December 8th was my EXACT thought.

I'm with ya sister. Still debating if I'm mailing Christmas cards, and if I do, I'm going totally non traditional, find the goofiest photo of each of my kids and there you have it. Love us or hate us, it's time to get real.

Trisha said...

Well, they did include the word "almost" before last minute.

Paula said...

I do so enjoy you sharing honestly and loved reading this post (though I am sorry you are stressed).

I can honestly say I no longer stress about Christmas (there were a few years that I did, but no more).

It's a time for my family to get together and enjoy each other's company (and over-eat my Momma's good food). We do enjoy watching the 3 yr old open a few presents, but that's the only one who gets something from everybody. (Of course my brother and I do buy our children something, but we don't buy for each other or each other's children - all of whom are grown).

Really, to us it's all about the being together and celebrating quietly.

I hope you have a Very Merry Stress-Free Christmas. :-)

Chris H said...

you are hysterical girl! Too funny. Oh course we have more time... don't we?

DevilsHeaven said...

OMG. I had this same post ready, but didn't have time to post it!!!
NOW, TODAY is last minute. Not Dec 7. Holy crap,you are so right!!!

"Intentionally Katie" said...

I'm so behind on reading, that I saw this ad (on 12/23) and thought "oh, that's cute!" But on the 8th? What were they thinking?!?

I hope you're feeling more caught up today, sweet friend. And I can't wait for Hunko Bunko in February. Or May. Or next December. Or whenever you're ready! :)