I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.
I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??
Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?
Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.
I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.
I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???
That's what I thought.
April, former Target shopper