According to my stats this year, I have only posted 21 times. That is pathetic. Puh-thet-ic. Part of the problem is my computer was down forever and I hate posting on my netbook because I hit the mouse square thingy with my thumb and it just effs everything up and I have to start whole paragraphs over and then I'm in a pissy mood and it spoils what I was writing about. Is that even more pathetic?
The other part of the problem is I have been so busy. And I am just trying to do more things with my kids and spend less time on the computer, you know. They are growing up so fast and I feel like it's passing me by.
And the other part of the problem is sometimes I am just tired. Tired of talking about something or tired of thinking about stuff. Or just sick and tired. You know? I should have stayed anonymous. How many times have I said that???
But one of the things I really want to say is thank you. So many of you reached out to me after my last post just to be kind, and I was really touched. So thank you for being so thoughtful. It means more than I can express.
I don't really want to get into all the details, but basically I found out why my brother was trying to reach me. His father died. And even though he was not my father, he was an incredibly huge part of my life and he always treated me like I was his own daughter. So I was sad and shocked and broken hearted.
He was a special man. A tall and handsome cowboy whose eyes crinkled in the corners when he laughed or smiled. He taught me to ride a horse and to two step and to make sun tea. He put me in ballet when I was seven because he was too worried I would be a tomboy since I was spending all my free time on the horses and trying to learn how to spit. He wanted me to be a lady.
Yet he didn't allow me to be afraid when I fell off my horse. I can still hear his deep voice. "You have 5 minutes to cry and then get back up there." I have carried these words with me my entire life. They apply to everything I do.
So as of right now, my brother and I are talking. Well, texting really. I'm taking it slow. He's sad and lonely and in my heart I don't think it's right to turn him away. Yet I've got both eyes wide open and I'm not being stupid. We'll see how it goes. His fiance seems nice. She's very pretty and is very kind and supportive of him. That makes me happy. And yes, I feel like an asshole that I was so skeptical in the beginning. We'll see what happens from here.
Regardless, I am thankful for my amazing girlfriends, who listened to me and let me cry and supported me. And to all my blog buddies who make me smile and laugh.
And to my amazing husband. Who is so incredibly supportive and sweet. And after this many years of putting up with my craziness, he knows when to talk and when to listen, and most importantly, when to make a joke and fill my heart with joy.
I'm a lucky girl.