Thursday, December 8, 2011

A letter to Target

Dear Target,

I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.

I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??

Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.

I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.

I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???

That's what I thought.

Happy Holidays,

April, former Target shopper

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Is anyone still reading this crap?

Hello?? Is anyone out there?
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Do you remember me? I'm April. I used to write stuff. You guys would come here and read about my life and kids and that guy I'm married to. I would tell you random stories about my daily encounters with stupid people. I talked about shoes. A lot. And food. I like food. And Daniel Craig. I made fun of people pretty regularly. It was some good times.
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And then I got really busy with my kids and my job and my extracurricular activities (ie, Pinterest and Words with Friends) and I stopped writing as often. And then I just stopped all together.
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And then I missed you.
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I got really grumpy because I wasn't channeling my creative juices properly. But I had a lot to say and not the right words to say it. You know? Are you feeling me? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
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Honestly... I think I got a little depressed. Gasp.
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I know. Shocking.
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But in the last few months I have experienced some MAJOR changes. All without medication.

So here is what has been going on....
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Ubes and I moved. Downsized. Majorly.
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Ubes and I discovered we have a lot of shit.
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Ubes and I vowed to stop buying so much shit.
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Ubes and I became eternally grateful for our amazing friends who helped us move. (Bud, Diane, Brooke, Jovina, Erin and Kim. We love you. Thanks for helping us with all of our shit.)(Yes, we have a friend named Bud. How bad ass are we?)
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I switched jobs. Same company. Different job, different boss. The jury's still out on that one.
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Ubes and I went on the Cruise of Awesomeness with 13 friends. Fun times were had by all. There was dancing. There was karaoke-ing. There was a lot of eating (three words: bacon mac & cheese). There was laughing. Someone broke their toe. Someone did the white man's overbite. A lot. It was definitely awesome.
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Ubes and I went to Colorado for 6 days to train at a brewery. It was by far one of the best vacations we have ever had. We are in full force pursuit of our dream. It is both scary and exciting.
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I closed the door on a 20 year friendship. It was heartbreaking. But it was the best decision for me at this time in my life. I harbor no hard feelings and wish this person nothing but the best. But this relationship was not bringing anything positive to my life. It hurts to let go of history like that. But a friendship shouldn't be such hard work. People grow apart. People change. Maybe it was me. But if I don't think you are a positive contribution to my life, then I am certain I am not a positive contribution to yours. It sucks. But sometimes it's necessary to weed the garden. There are some weeds that look like flowers. But the stems are full of thorns. And that's all I'm going to say about it.
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My oldest son is taller than I am. He wants to be an architect. I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between his voice and his father's.
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My middle child won his school's spelling bee. And an award for outstanding character. And showed me how to work my new iPhone.
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My daughter lost one of her top teeth. This weekend she will be the flower girl in Ubes' youngest cousin's wedding. She has announced her official retirement as a flower girl. She wants to go out on top of her game. She is also asking Santa for silver sequined Uggs. And please Santa, no knock offs. She may be eight, but she's not stupid. Mmmmkay?
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And we're all caught up. I'd like to write more often. I'll see what I can do.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Perspective

Email from me to Uberman:

So today started out awesome. I had an obscene call as soon as I sat down. This guy wanted me to talk about different products we offered so I asked what type of product was he interested in. He said "Just tell me about my options." So I start talking about the differences in personal and business and he starts going "Oooooh, oh. Oh. Oh." So I stop. And I knew something was not right. So I said "Sir, what are you looking for? Specifically." And he says "I'm just looking for something that sounds good to me." Weird right? But it's 5:00 in the morning and I am still not fully awake and these east coasters are odd ducks, so I start talking about products again and he starts with the "Oh" noises and so I stopped talking again. And he says "Oh no, don't stop." So I told him he was making me uncomfortable and I hung up. I feel like I need a shower. So how is your day?

Reply from Ubes:

My day is worse. I just got a call from a telemarketer. Asking about my internet. I feel so violated.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

And Oprah thinks she's so cool....

So you guys have all heard me talk about my friend Jovina. She's probably reading this so everyone say "Hi Jovina!"

(Hi Jovina!)

Well Jovina and I have been friends for like forever. More than 10 years. And of all my friends, I think Ubes is most likely to fantasize about Jovina. Not only because she is gorgeous, but because she is super duper organized. The girl has rubbermaid containers up the wazoo. And everything is alphabetized. She's amazing. Plus she is crafty as heck. (Like how I am trying not to use swear words? Jovina is super sweet and never ever uses bad words. I should be more like her.) Jovina sews and she makes fun crafty things, and she always has the latest and greatest in scrapbooking and craft supplies. All in designated rubbermaid containers.

(Stop rolling your eyes Jovina, you know it's true.)

But anyhoo, Jovina came up with this idea last year to hold an annual Favorite Things Party. You know, like Oprah. She invited something like 40 women to her house on a Sunday morning and asked them each to bring 2 favorite things. One of your favorite things was supposed to be a give away, that way every person who attended the party left with something fun. The point was to give other people fun ideas for holiday gifts, etc.

It's been a huge hit. We have had so much fun at these parties and you would not believe the amazing ideas people have.

So this year, Jovina wrote to the fine people at Purple Cows and told them how much she loved their laminator and how she was using it as one of her favorite things for her annual party. And guess what??? They sent her THIRTY laminators to give away.



Whaaaaaaaaaaat???

I can't tell you how much fun it was, standing in front of all those women with our best Oprah voices shouting "Everyone gets a LAMINATOOORRRRRRR!! You get a laminator! And YOU get a laminator!!"

They also sent several products to give as door prizes! How cool are the people at Purple Cows? They made 30 moms, most of whom are crafty, some are teachers, some are even homeschoolers, very very happy. I want to buy more stuff from them just because they went out of their way to do that for us.


Here we are with our new laminators. How happy is this crowd? That's me (wearing glasses) in the front on the left. Jovina is the gorgeous redhead in the mint green shirt four people to my left.


So check out Purple Cows when you have a second, they are awesome. I just added their Melt Craft Iron and Gem Setting set to my Christmas list. I can't wait to start blinging everything I own. But don't stand still next to me. I will laminate you. You have been warned.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Let's talk about being a mom...

So last week I kind of started something on my Facebook page. It wasn't a fight or anything, but it did kind of become a heated discussion between me and a few others off line. And I rarely discuss topics here that can be deemed controversial or that can spark conflict, but this started conversations that I think are good, regardless of whether or not you agree with me.

So Thursday afternoon I was watching the new Anderson Cooper talk show. Sarah Jessica Parker was on talking about her new movie, in which she plays a woman struggling with her responsibilities as a mom, a wife and an executive. So of course Anderson, God bless him, starts asking her if the movie mirrored her life as a working mother. And SJP then starts talking about how difficult it is to be a working mom.

Really?

Well I have to tell you, I really wanted to punch her in the face.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not doubting that it is difficult for her, I am sure it is. But her difficult and my difficult and almost any other working mother's difficult, are like talking about life on two different planets.

Why do we do this as a society? Why do we take a celebrity and make them a spokesperson for normal people?

When I had just given birth to Junior, Cindy Crawford had also recently given birth to her oldest child. And I remember watching her on a talk show where they introduced her as "Super Model turned Super Mom." And I wanted to throw a dirty diaper at the TV.

Now I am not trying to sound bitter. I am just saying COME ON!

You know who is a Super Mom? My mother. She raised me by herself for 13 years. She got pregnant at 17, made a very difficult decision to raise a child when she was still a child herself, and worked two, sometimes three jobs to put food on the table and clothes on my back. She had no help, other than my grandma who took me for the weekend occasionally. And this all happened in Utah. Not exactly a friendly environment for a young, single mother. My mother also knows how difficult it can be to be a working mother. She missed a lot, yes. But I never missed a meal, I always had new clothes when school started, and had excellent grades.

Being a mother is not easy, regardless of your circumstances. There's that constant doubt. Am I doing too much for them? Am I doing too little? Am I hugging them enough? Am I sheltering them too much?

And when you throw a full time job into the equation? It can be heartbreaking. I have missed honor roll assemblies, class parties and field trips. I have had to take them to my mother in law's house when they were sick because I couldn't miss work. I've forgotten to check homework and sign permission slips and send in treats for the class. I've had to tell one child they couldn't attend a birthday party because another child was asked to attend one first and I can't be in two places at once.

Something tells me SJP may not know what that is like.

Now please don't misunderstand. I am not complaining about being a mother. It is the greatest thing that I do. All three of my children were prayed for, planned and celebrated. And I was very lucky to have been able to stay at home with them when they were little.

But I sucked as a stay at home mom.

I was not any more organized or focused on my job as a mother. And like I said, although I am very thankful for the time I had as a stay at home mom, I always felt like I was missing something. I missed human contact. Grown up conversations. I would follow Ubes around the house when he got home from work telling him all about Oprah and Rosie and All My Children and "Ohmygod Babe, you would just not believe the sexual tension between Bob the Builder and his assistant Wendy. It is palpable."

And most of all, I missed the annual performance evaluation. I really wanted Uberman to sit me down and say "Okay Babe, you have exceeded expectations saving money and using coupons. However, I think folding the laundry is a major opportunity for improvement."

What can I say, I need affirmation.

And I am about to tell you something that a lot of working mom's don't want to admit. It's kind of a secret. You will be shocked and you may think differently of me....

Are you ready?

Are you sure??

Okay... Here goes....

(deep breath)

I LIKE HAVING A JOB.

(gasp)

I know, right?!?!? I like working. I want to work. I actually enjoy it. I like having a time and a place and a task that is all mine. I like having something to focus on outside of home and kids and marriage and bills and family and cleaning and organizing and all that other stuff. I like the sense of accomplishment when I achieve something great. I like it that it is all about my contributions and not about my personal life. I like that it is up to me to achieve whatever I want. And you know what? A paycheck every two weeks that helps my family and my financial situation is pretty cool too. Call it an escape if you want to, I don't really care. I like to work.

I am not knocking the stay at home moms. If you can stay home and you can put all your focus into being the CEO of your household, more power to you. All I know is, THIS works for us. I am so lucky that I can be home when my kids get home from school so I can still correct homework and make sure everything is ready for the next day. And thank God Ubes is here when they leave in the morning to make sure everyone is wearing clean clothes and their teeth and faces are clean and their hair is combed and they all have their backpacks and lunches.

I hate the constant fight between stay home moms and working moms. Either way, you are a mother. And that is the hardest job there is. Do what works best for your family. And OWN it. Don't feel guilty about what you have chosen. The most important thing is to be the best mom you can be. Savor that time with your kids. And don't beat yourself up when you can't be there.

Kids are resilient. I should know. I was one.

And for crying out loud, if you need a spokesperson for motherhood, choose someone within your own family or group of friends. Or your neighbor down the street who has all the kids in the neighborhood at her house at any given moment and makes the best brownies in the world! Don't pick a celebrity who is not living in real life.

Or even better. Choose yourself. You be that spokesperson for being a mom. I want to hear what you have to say.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Lordy, Lordy! Look Who's 40!

Hello my lovely friends!! Today is my BIRTHDAY!!

I love my birthday. I have the best birthstone and seven is a lucky number and it's that perfect time between summer and fall. (Even though it is still a hundred thousand degrees here in the good ol' AZ.)(Totally NOT exaggerating. At all.) But I have the best birthday ever!

And not to brag about my awesomeness or anything (HA! Who are we kidding??), but I have already had birthday wishes today from all over the world. LITERALLY. Starting with my favorite New Zealand twins, Hayley and Marie!! Then my friend Todd in Africa. And the Gotham Girl wished me a happy day from India! Dudes, I've gone global.

I came in to work this morning with my desk decorated in glittery shoe shaped confetti. It is straight up bad ass. My team made me a big sign with lots of sweet messages. My friend Danielle brought me a delicious coffee cake and some candy. I told everyone the coffee cake was gross so I didn't have to share. But they were on to me and ate it anyway. It was so yummy! Tonight my MIL is making me dinner and my favorite pineapple cake. My parents took us to lunch on Sunday and I had my big birthday party last weekend. We've been celebrating forever!

So mother nature gave me a great big giant zit on the side of my nose for my birthday (it seriously looks like my nose is growing a nose of its very own). She was all "Hey April, you're feeling a little too good about turning 40. So here you go. Up yours."

She's such a bitch.

But I'm not going to let it get me down, no sirree. Because I am excited to be 40. I have worked hard for every year under my belt and 40 is going to be awesome. I couldn't give a frogs fat one about age. You can't stop a speeding train, my friends. You can just hang on and enjoy the scenery flying by.

And I have made some decisions. Big ones. Now that I am 40 I feel like a grown up. So here's the new 40 year old April:

I am going to learn to say no. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to. And I may or may not give a reason why or why not.

If I don't feel the need to explain myself, I won't.

If you are in my life, it's because I value you as a person and I want you here. For the first time in my entire life, I feel like I have enough friends and I'm okay with it if you don't want to be one. I don't have to be liked by everyone. And even better? I don't have to like everyone! Ohmygod the freedom this realization gives you is the most amazing feeling ever!!!

I'm not playing junior high games anymore. No matter how many times you try to get me to. I am going to be real and honest in my relationships. If you piss me off, I'm telling you. If I don't agree with you, I'm telling you. If you ask my opinion, you are getting it. If I think my responses will hurt your feelings, I will warn you. I have no interest in hurting people. But I am not going to be fake. I despise that in people. I will respect you so much more if you are honest with me than if you are nice to my face and evil behind my back. We can be friendly, but we don't have to be friends.

I am not judging people anymore. If your life works for you, more power to you. Who the heck am I to say any different? And I won't stand for you judging other people around me. I don't want to be surrounded by negativity and bad vibes and stupid teenage girl stuff. Let's be grown ups. Let's support each other. Let's just be nice.

Life is too short for all that stuff. So that's my new motto. Just be nice. Do nice. Play nice. But not fake nice. Okay?

All right you crazy kids! Thank you for celebrating my special day with me! Now go give someone a hug and eat a piece of cake today!

And WOW! I just realized this was my 400th post!! Happy day indeed!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Fantasies and Surprises

So last Monday, Uberman drops the bomb that he has graciously volunteered our house for his annual fantasy football draft. He gave me 5 days notice that our house would be invaded by 12 guys who take sports way too seriously. Of course I went into full on party planning mode. What kind of food should he serve? Should I go get cute football plates and napkins? Would the guys enjoy a plate of brownies and rice crispy treats?

And normally, Ubes just shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't care. But this time was different. His biggest concern was having enough tables for the guys to sit at during the draft.

Huh?

Why can't they just sit on the couch and the floor like always? But he explained they needed to spread out and some of them would have computers and a bunch of papers and blah blah blah... "Can you call my mom and see if we can borrow her card tables?"

I didn't get it. Why do twelve guys need five tables plus our kitchen table? And where was he going to put all those tables? I went through the whole week wondering what the heck was up with all the tables. I complained non stop about it. To my Ubes. To my MIL. To my friends. I couldn't understand why these guys couldn't just squeeze in. I even tried to talk him into telling everyone to go to a pizza place instead. No dice.

Saturday morning I got up and made sure the house was clean. Clean enough for a bunch of guys anyway. I made some dip and set out serving bowls for chips. I set out cups and paper plates and napkins and some two liters of coke. And then I got the hell out of there for a few hours. I went to my MIL's house to hang out and do my laundry. (Oh, did I tell you my dryer broke? Yeah. So not cool. I mean it is 17 years old, but still.)

Around 5:00, Junior said he was ready to go home so I told him to text his father to make sure the coast was clear. It was. So off we went back home, leaving Mac and Boo behind to spend the night with Granny.

When we came down our street, it was filled with cars. "Someone's having a party," Junior said. There were still cars in my driveway, which I recognized as friends from the fantasy draft. "Bummer," I said to Junior. "I was hoping they would be gone so we could go get some Mexican food. Mama needs a margarita some chips and salsa!"

And then I opened the door and walked in to my 40th Birthday Surprise Party.

I was in shock. And so touched that all of my favorite people were standing in front of me screaming "SURPRISE!!" My amazing husband went to so much trouble, making sure to invite everyone who mattered most to me. I'm till so blown away that he pulled it off. He enlisted the help of my good friends Brooke, Erin and Jovina, who took care of the yummy food and adorable decorations (y'all should see the banner Jovina made me from paint chips. The chick is unbelievable) and the most amazing cake you have ever seen.




Get it? It's my beloved watch!! Isn't it FABULOUS!!! I didn't want anyone to eat it because it was so pretty.


All in all, it was a perfect night. I missed those who could not come, but I was so beyond touched by all of the people who were there, and all of the thoughtful, beautiful gifts I received. I really do feel like I am one of the luckiest people in the world to have such amazing people in my life.


I am so excited about being 40. And so thankful for everyone who is sharing this time with me.


Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Dream Boy

My mom comes from a large family. She has 5 sisters and 3 brothers. (It gets cold in Utah in the winters, people. Wink wink.) My aunties have always been a huge part of my life. All of them are strong willed, hilarious and crazy, just like their mother and her sisters, and my great grandmother, and her mother and sisters, and so on and so on.

My mom's oldest sister, Nellie, is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She can do anything. I mean anything. She is feisty and competitive and loud and funny and has really high expectations of people. Basically I am just like her.

So of course she is married to a man who is wise, quiet, patient and incredibly appreciative of his strong, crazy wife. Basically he is just like Ubes.

My uncle Milford was voted the Dream Boy of his high school in 1949. I found this out when I stayed with them a few years ago and I went through his scrapbook. It tickled me pink to see the old black and white pictures of the high school basketball star standing in the middle of 5 or 6 girls staring at him so adoringly. It was straight out of Leave it to Beaver.

Milford is one of the kindest men I ever met. Once, when they were visiting us, as they did every winter until a few years ago, I watched him give up his seat on a bench at the mall. He was still recovering from a stroke he had only a few months before. He was sitting on the bench waiting for Nellie to come out of a department store, something he spent a lot of time doing, I'm sure. A woman stood by with her cane, she was not much older than he, and he stood, heavily leaning on the arm support of the bench so he could pull himself out of the seat, and offered the bench to her. This man, who could barely stand himself. I'll never forget that.

He graciously lived his life for everyone around him. It was so important to make everyone else comfortable and happy. He was a genuinely nice guy. You know those guys? The ones who are just so nice and kind and you are always so surprised when you meet them? He just found so much happiness in bringing joy to others.

We lost Milford to cancer last week. His final act of selflessness was donating his body to science. Aunt Nellie was hesitant when he told her his wishes. His response?

"I would not be alive now if it were not for the people who had done this before me. And with your heart valve replacements, neither would you."

I am so honored that I had him in my life for so long. So happy that my boys got to spend time with him and could be influenced by his spirit and generosity. And so thankful that my Aunt Nellie had such an amazing man who took such good care of her.

His obituary said: "In lieu of flowers, please just do something nice for someone today."

So I challenge you, think of all the kind people you have loved and lost. And in their memory, just do something nice for someone today.

Farewell Dream Boy, you are missed.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I'm still here. And I haven't given up.

Things have been super interesting around these parts. I have been busy helping Uberman with our newest adventure.

Yes. We are that crazy. Take a look at the site and let me know your thoughts. We are uber excited. And please like us on Facebook and Follow us on Twitter and all that jazz.

Lots of change in the works for us. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. Isn't that how you feel while you're standing in line for a roller coaster? Excited, yet scared and nervous? That's me. Right now. I have butterflies in my stomach constantly. And I can't sleep.

But it's all good. I am just so excited about the future right now. And I am so hoping you guys will be part of it. There will be a few more announcements coming up and we will be begging you to get involved. But it's gonna be fun, I promise.

I just re-read this and realized I used the word excited about a billion times. I am too exhausted to break out the thesaurus so I hope you guys will forgive me.

I'll be posting more, too. Ubes is setting up another blog for me that will be devoted to setting up the brewery. I'll link it when it's up and running. Fun times, am I right?? In the mean time though, later this week I'll post about helicopter mom, my appalling experience at the movies this weekend and how the power of social media got that fixed, and maybe, just maybe, I will finish the post I started a million months ago about overrated/underrated actors.

But I miss you. That has to count for something.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Chris' Meme Part II

Here are the last 25 questions:

26. Do you like someone?
I like lots of people. I also dislike lots of people.

27. The last song you listened to?
"No You Girls" by Franz Ferdinand

28. What time of day were you born?
8:00 am-ish

29. What’s your favorite number?
24

30. Where did you live in 1987?
Mesa, Arizona.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Jealous? No. Envious in an admirable way? Yes.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Yes. Is it conceited if I say yes? Really, I am only being honest. There are a few people I know who demonstrate behaviors that lead me to believe they are jealous. And not envious in an admirable way.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was getting ready to take Ubes to work. I can't remember why we were down a car that day. But we sat in our bedroom on the edge of our bed watching it. And then we listened to the Howard Stern on the radio on the way to his office and could not believe what we were hearing. It was like something out of a movie. I still get that heaviness in my chest when I think about it.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I get pissed. But you know what is worse? Putting your money in, hitting the Diet Pepsi button, and getting a Sierra Mist instead. I swear that vending machine guy at work was messing with me. (Don't panic. This happened months ago. I have been clean and sober from all soda for 22 days.)

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes. But I can be very unkind if provoked. I am not proud of that.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
On the top of my foot.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish would sure be handy around these parts, but I love the sound of French.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes. I would love to live somewhere else. I keep begging Ubes but he is not as adventurous as I. Someday, when our babies are grown, we will live somewhere else for a year.

39. Are you touchy feely?
Yes. I'm a hugger. And I'll touch your arm when we talk. And if I really love you, I'll slap your ass when I walk by you. I'm sure I annoy the hell out of people. But I think physical contact is important.

40. What’s your life motto?
All you need is Faith, Trust and a little Pixie Dust

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
My phone, chapstick and gum

42. What’s your favourite town/city?
London. I love London. I am dying to go back.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Coffee this morning

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
I write thank you cards a lot. So maybe a few months ago?

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No, but I'm super awesome at pulling my car into the service bay at Jiffy Lube. I'm also good at talking them down on the price and giving me a discount. No joke. Ubes thinks I am a genius.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
I'm married to him so I have first hand knowledge of his antics all the time.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
My great grandparents were Native American and lived on a reservation. My great grandmother traded her husband's two best hunting dogs for a silver spoon in the shape of sea shell because she thought it was pretty. When I was little, that silver spoon was always in the sugar bowl at my grandma's house. I loved the story about it because it seemed totally reasonable to me. Now it sits on top of my Longaberger recipe basket and I look at it every day. Sometimes I pick it up and hold it for a while, and sometimes I'll walk around with it in my pocket while I'm cleaning. It just reminds me that I came from a long line of strong women who like pretty things.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
What counts as fancy? I dressed up for a wedding almost two years ago. That was probably the last time I wore pantyhose. But I wore glittery eyeliner at Hunko Drunko Bunco this year, so there's that.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Yes. My head hurts a lot lately. I think it's the diet and lack of caffeine.

50. Have you been burned by love?
No. I've only been in love once and I am still in love with him. Have I had my heart broken by a silly boy or two prior to that? Yes. But not broken beyond repair. Now, ask me if I have been burned by friendships and we could be here all night.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Thank God for Chris and his Memes because I have no inspiration lately.... Part I

25 of 50 Random questions....

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Shit. I forgot to color my hair yesterday.

2. How much cash do you have on you? Seven bucks. I'm the mother of three kids who constantly need money for something. So $7 makes me rich.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Whore. Oh come on. You knew I would go there.

4. Favorite planet? Wow this is a tough one. Mercury always seemed like it had some balls, just because it's so small yet brave enough to be right out there in front. And Pluto is the underdog. Not even a planet anymore so how can you not feel sorry for it. And Saturn and those awesome rings... I don't know... Maybe Neptune because it's so pretty? Jeez. You're talking to a girl who asked for a telescope when she was 9 and is still pissed because she never got to go to Space Camp. You can't expect me to pick just one.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Boo's friend Katie. Probably calling to talk about the latest episode of Victorious.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? I have no idea. I never have my ringer on, Ever. It irritates the hell out of Uberman because I hardly ever answer my phone.

7. What shirt are you wearing? What makes you assume I am even wearing a shirt?

8. Do you label yourself? No. At least I don't think so. I don't think I fit in one category of anything. So . . . no.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? Not wearing shoes right now, but earlier I was wearing Dollhouse.

10. Bright or Dark Room? It depends on what we are doing.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I think he is HILARIOUS.

12. What does your watch look like? Like an accessory of awesomeness. It's a white Toy Watch with crystal bezel.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Tossing, turning and wishing I had not had that last glass of iced tea.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? From Ubes: Don't forget to call Penny and look for a groomer for the pups. I know, right. Don't hate me because my life is so freakin' glamorous.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? Dude, I have no idea. I haven't seen a 7/11 in years. My nearest Circle K is about two miles south and the nearest QT is about 5 miles south east. But damn if this question doesn't make me crave a Slurpee.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Asshole. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My middle child, Mac. He is sick today and has needed lots of hugs.

18. Last furry thing you touched? A gross strawberry at the bottom of the container. Blech.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? I took tylenol yesterday because I had a bitch of headache. But that's it.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? Who is developing rolls of film anymore?

21. Favorite age you have been so far? I think every year gets better, so I have liked all of them.

22. Your worst enemy? Oh wow, this is a loaded question. Honestly, my worst enemy is myself. There is no one more unkind to me than me. But I do have a nemesis or two... Remind me to tell you the story of Helicopter Mom. She's a real bitch.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Well, I'm not fancy so I just have that default rolling green hill that looks like the place where the Teletubbies lived. I should change it, but I'm lazy.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Jovina, will you please call me? I need to know where you get your dog groomed."

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? A million bucks. I don't think I really want the ability to fly. It would mess up my hair too much.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I've been eating so much chicken lately I actually started clucking...

So Day 9 without Diet Coke. Can I get a hell yeah?? And even better? I don't really miss it. I am totally okay without it. Yes, I have been consuming a whole lot of iced green tea, but that is GOOD for you. Dr. Oz says so. And I believe EVERYTHING Dr. Oz says.

So I neglected to tell you all that I gave up SUGAR and CARBS at the same time. I know, right? What kind of crack was I smoking? And let's be honest, I totally wanted to take up smoking crack just to take the edge off. Are people even still smoking crack? Is that like, totally 1995? Did I just date myself? Whatever, it's hard to keep up man. Besides, I don't think I know anyone who openly does drugs. Unless you count all those moms at my kids' school who steal their kids' Ritalin. Oh what I wouldn't give for a child with ADHD.

Sigh.

But I digress. So I have been doing really well so far. I have not had the shakes and I haven't killed or harmed anyone. I know, right? Go me! But I did cheat a little on Sunday. Because ohmygod you guys, sometimes a girl just needs a red chili beef burrito, you know? And some chips and salsa. And maybe a beer. Just a large little one. (But it was happy hour and the large was TOTALLY a better deal.)(And how awesome is it that this restaurant has happy hour on a SUNDAY??)

And you know what? It was worth every calorie. Because the next day I felt rejuvenated and ready to get back on board with the no sugar-no carb-no diet coke-no fun diet. Because you know what is really no fun?

Heart disease.

Diabetes.

High blood pressure.

Cottage cheese dimples in your thighs.

Being uncomfortable wearing sleeveless shirts because you're afraid if someone is unfortunate enough to be standing next to you while you reach for something you will totally knock them out with your enormous lunch lady arms.

That is no fun at all.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Look out your window. You might see a flying pig.

So, I hit a wall with the weight loss.

Actually, I am totally lying. I jumped off the weight loss wagon. I feel the need to be honest since I have been watching a whole lot of Celebrity Rehab lately.

(Totally off the subject but OHMYGOD isn't it wonderful to know that no matter what there is always someone crazier than you are out there? Am I right? Hell to the yeah.)

So anyhoosies, where was I again?? Oh yeah, weight loss.

Oy vay. I have struggled with weight since I was about eight years old. Since then, I can not think of a time in my life where I have not been thinking about how much I weighed or how I looked in my clothes. How sad is that? Even more sad, I don't think I know anyone, especially a girl, who is not thinking of her weight most of the time. Sick. Sick, sick, sick.

Today I have started a new approach to Fat Camp. I'm old. My metabolism is not as cooperative as it used to be. I need to buckle down and push myself. I would love to not be thinking of my weight most of the time. I would love to be comfortable with what I weigh and how my stomach looks while I am in a seated position. Will I ever get to this level of comfort? I don't know. Are any of you at this level? Anyone??

So I am making a huge sacrifice to the Fat Gods. Are you guys ready for this? Are you sitting down? Are you holding on to something secure so you are not BLOWN away by this announcement?

Ready??

I have given up Diet Coke.

I'll give you guys a minute to let that sink in.

I know, right?? This is HUGE. (That's what she said.) Now keep in mind, today is just day two of no Diet Coke. And it is only 8:30 in the morning. But one day at a time, am I right my friends? My goal is to give it up for at least a week. And then if I make it through the week without killing anyone, I'll go another week. And so on and so forth. I've also given up my beloved vanilla coffee. I'm doing plain coffee with skim milk. Blech. But I need the caffeine. And I am drinking a lot of this flavorless, clear liquid called "water." Have you guys heard of it? It's okay. Not a huge fan, but I can deal with it. Because I am not a quitter.

I mean, other than jumping off the Fat Camp wagon. But I am back on, so give me a break, okay? Sheesh.

Wish me luck. And pray for those near and dear to me. I'm actually a little scared for them.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I am pretty sure you know who you are...

People seriously piss me off. I mean I would never call myself laid back. Or easy going. And sometimes I have a difficult time accepting people for who they are. Because I can't relate to stupid. Or lazy. Or entitled. I have been accused of being pretty black and white. And yes, sometimes that is true.

But lately it seems I have had numerous run ins with people who just want to mess with my mojo and ruin my joviality. You are one of these people if you....


Drive around for 20 minutes looking for a closer parking space. Just park your effing car.

Tell me to relax when I'm upset. You are not the boss of me. Shut up and keep your opinions to yourself.

Ask me if my handbag is fake.

Stand in line at the grocery store with six or seven exhausted people behind you and wait until the cashier gives you your total before you decide if you are going to write a check or use that nifty little debit machine right in front of your stupid ugly face.

Walk into a practically empty bathroom at work and conveniently select the stall next to mine, even though there are 12 empty stalls around us, and begin making your loud obnoxious morning number two.

Are passive aggressive. I don't care if you are a family member, co-worker, friend or acquaintance. SPEAK YOUR MIND. Be honest about your thoughts and opinions. Let me know where I stand. Stop being an asshole.

Act like a hypocrite. Expect the same thing from yourself that you expect from others. Open your eyes. See your imperfections. Be tolerant. Because believe me, a lot of people are BARELY tolerating you and your array of bullshit.

Talk to me in a condescending tone. Who died and made you king of the world? What makes you a better person than I am? You are a total asshole. I'm a way better person. But I still don't look down on you. I just think you can't help yourself. Sometimes people get passed the asshole gene. They can't control it. It's not your fault. All you can do is try to be less of an asshole. Good luck.

I know right? WOW. Some times you just have to say what's on your mind.

PS. Obviously I am loving the word "asshole" these days.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I'm walking on Sunshine, Whoa Oh!






My friend Chris at From a Whisper to a Scream was kind enough to think I am worthy of this award, which is just about as sweet as you can get. I always say I can't believe people actually stop by to read my endless ramblings, but oh well. I mean I did read three and a half of the Twilight books so who the heck am I to judge what other people read, right?




So here are the rules of this award, and we all know how I am a rule follower when it suits my needs.....




1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them.


2. Tell us something about yourself.


3. Nominate 10 other bloggers.


4. Let them know that you awarded them!




THANK YOU CHRIS!!! I enjoy the way you write, I enjoy the way you view the world and I enjoy that you are a Yankee fan. I look forward to having a beer with you in person some day!




So now I have to tell you something about myself. And it's usually hard to come up with something totally new that I have not already talked about, because let's face it, I am not that interesting. But there is something I have recently discovered. Are you ready?? Okay, here goes....




I am pretty sure I am psychic.




Yes. I know that is a lot to take in. But hear me out.




Ubes has this friend from Germany. We'll call him Gunther. Gunther owned a business here in Arizona. He was studying for his citizenship test. He paid taxes. He contributed to the community. But he was stupid and let his work visa lapse. So a several months ago he was deported. We had not heard from him in months. Sunday night, I had a dream about him. I dreamed he was trying to get a hold of Ubes, wanted Ubes to write a letter on his behalf to help him get back to the USA. Monday while I was at work, Ubes sent me an email saying he just got a Facebook friend request from Gunther. I was all, "WHOA. That is weird." And then Ubes says "He asked if I would write a letter to help him get back to the US." And my mind was officially BLOWN.




I am not doing private readings or anything yet, still waiting to get a handle on my gift. I'll let you know how it goes.




Now for my nominations.....




I gotta start with my girl Sue. Sue is my soul sister. I love her and her many adventures! Thank you Sue!! Thanks for making me smile!!




Chandra - My real life buddy, fellow new beer lover and working mom. You are a doll! I heart you!




Dried on Milk - Stacia tells it like it is. She just had her second gorgeous baby. Go say hi, I am sure she would appreciate you stopping by.




Travis - Who will think this award is super lame but that makes it funnier to nominate him (You don't have to nominate anyone, Buddy. All the eye rolling you are doing right now is gift enough for me.)




Dutch Mac - An American girl married to a Brit boy, raising babies in the Netherlands. What's not to love about that?




Bogart - One of the first blogs I ever read. He had just moved across the country to be with the love of his life. Now they are married. And they just had a baby. It will fill your heart with joy.




And last but certainly not least, Raia, my BFF for almost 20 years - Raia is going through a lot of MAJOR changes in her life. Show her some love. She deserves it.




And there you have it. I know right, three posts in one week??? Can you handle the awesomeness?? My psychic ability says YES! You can!!




Have a fabulous weekend Party People!!




Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I should have danced all night...

Being a parent can suck. No one tells you that. They tell you that it's hard and that you don't get a lot of sleep. They tell you that you will worry a lot and that the kid will bleed you dry emotionally and financially. But they don't tell you that one day you will be so mad at that kid you will want to kick him out of your car and make him walk the four miles home.

So yesterday after work, I picked the kids up from my MIL's and began the drive home. I had two quick errands to run, but Boo fell asleep in the car and I didn't feel like waking her up a million times to get in and out of the car so I decided just to go home. But I needed french bread for the spaghetti I was making for dinner. Ubes had agreed to run my two errands on his way home from work but I was pushing my luck by adding a third stop for him. So I turned to Junior.

"Junior, I have to stop at the store for a loaf of French bread. Will you run in for me and get it so I don't have to wake your sister and make everyone get out of the car?"

He was sitting in the front seat next to me, concentrating on his video game. He was quiet for a second and then, without looking at me, said matter of factly, "No."

"No?" I stared at him in disbelief. "You won't run into the store for me for bread?"

He shook his head, still looking at his game. "No," he said.

I sat there, in the parking space, in shock. This is the kid who is always so helpful. The one who unloads the dishwasher if he notices the dishes are clean. The one who takes out the trash without being told. This is the responsible kid. The one I rely on for so much.

"Why?" I asked. "Why wouldn't you do that for me? Your sister is sleeping, I don't want to drag everyone out of the car for a loaf of bread."

"We can stay in the car," he said.

"No, you can't," I told him. "I'm not leaving you in a hot car with your brother and sister while I run in for bread." (Remind me to tell you about my friend who ran into the drug store for 2 minutes, leaving her teenager in the car with a sleeping baby and had the police show up at her house an hour later.) "Why won't you go get the bread for me?"

"Because I don't want to," he said.

My mouth dropped open.

Now I get it. I have never asked him to run into the store for me by himself before. He's gone into Circle K or QT while I am sitting out front watching from the car, but never a grocery store where I can't see him. He's a cautious first born child who needs to feel comfortable in his surroundings.

But still. How is he going to learn if I don't ask him to do this stuff?? RIGHT?? And he is almost 14 for crying out loud.

"Why don't you want to?" I asked

"Because what if people stare at me and ask me questions?" he said, finally putting the damn game down.

"Junior. I'm asking you to get bread, not beer. No one is going to ask you anything."

"I don't want to do it Mom. Don't make me."

I could feel the blood boiling under my collar bone. I was so angry with him I couldn't even think straight. I got everyone out of the car and went into the store and bought a loaf of bread. And then I got everyone back in the car and started driving home, my knuckles gripping the steering wheel and my teeth clenched. I should have made him get out of the car and go into the store. I was just too shocked and too hurt to think straight. I turned and looked at him. He was back to playing his game, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth while he concentrated.

I reached over and grabbed the game out of his hands, tossing it on the floor of the back seat with my purse. He stared back at me in surprise.

"I can't believe you wouldn't do that for me Junior. I can't believe you wouldn't go into the store for me. I am so hurt and disappointed right now."

"I just didn't want to do it," he said.

"Well you know what Junior? I do stuff I don't want to do every day. I don't want to cook dinner every night because I am tired, but I do it because we have to eat. I don't want to get up at 4:30 in the morning and go to work, but I do it so I can buy you and your brother and your sister clothes and shoes and video games. I don't want to wash your clothes, but I do it because you need to have clean stuff to wear. I don't want to take you to your friend's house because I am tired and I have worked all day, but I do it because I want you to have fun. So the next time you need me to do something for you, you remember this moment. Because you did not make the right choice."

"So what are you saying," he asked. "The next time I need something you won't do it?"

"Nope," I told him.

"Okay, fine." He crossed his arms and shook his head.

And you know what you guys?? It was everything I could do not to pull the car over at that minute, fling his door open, and shove him out with my feet. And If we had not been 4 miles from home in the heat with no water, I may have done it. I don't know. All I know is that I have never been so mad at that kid in his life.

I wasn't this mad when he was two and placed a golf ball on his plastic baseball tee and launched it through my living room window.

I wasn't this mad when he was three and pushed his 5 month old brother off the couch.

I wasn't this mad when he was six and dropped a red PERMANENT magic marker on my off-white carpet. (Hey shut up. We built the house prior to kids and had no idea off-white carpet would turn out to be the nightmare it actually was.)

I wasn't this mad when he, my straight A, Honor Roll, National Junior Honor Society member, brought home his report card with a D in math a year ago.

And I wasn't this mad when he hid that report card from me for a week and told my MIL it was because he was afraid I was going to "beat" him.

He is so rarely disrespectful. So rarely disagreeable. So rarely difficult. And I know this may be only the beginning. And I think that's what I'm afraid of. How do you successfully raise a teenager without killing him?

And I know I have to pick my battles. So maybe that's why I didn't throw a five dollar bill at him and tell him to get his ass out of the car and into the store. But what put me over the edge was his defiance. The "okay fine" and arms crossing thing. I wanted to grab a handful of his curly hair and rip it out by the root.

Is that weird for a mom to feel that way? Because some animals eat their young, you know.

And I am not looking for parenting advice, okay. I am just ranting here. I know what I should have done. And maybe I'm over reacting just a little. I mean it was a loaf of bread for crap sake. But I am still really pissed at the kid. And I want an apology. And I am also really tempted to take him to the drug store and force him to buy me a box of tampons just to teach him a lesson.

But I won't. Because I'm not a monster. But oh, how tempting.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Every day is an adventure with April

I don't write about work a whole lot anymore. I rarely have the kind of interactions with people that I had at the bank. If I interact with customers now, it's usually over the phone. I have the most boring job in the world. Lucky for me, there's a few thousand people in this building to give me fun stuff to share with you guys.


So..... A few weeks ago I was walking to the ladies room. The ladies room is kind of far from my desk, down a long aisle between cube walls and real walls. It's a straight shot. So as I walked toward the bathroom, I saw a woman exit. She was wearing a light, fluttery skirt, probably around knee length. Perfect for summer. And just as I was admiring that adorable skirt from afar, the owner of the skirt turned her back to me and began walking away from the bathroom.

And to my sheer horror, I realized her skirt was tucked into her panties. Her thong panties. And her entire ass was exposed to God and everybody. I started walking faster, hoping to catch her. But you guys, she was like 6 cubicle aisles away from me. Way too far to holler out "Excuse me, your ass is showing." And I didn't know this woman. I didn't want to humiliate her. But OHMYGOD how do you not suddenly feel like things are a little breezy back there??? I mean really. So after about 8 steps I gave up, she was too far for me to catch up to. You're on your own sweetie. No one can save you now. You should have been more careful and looked in the mirror before leaving the bathroom.

It was a pretty nice ass though. Not gonna lie. Smooth, no ripples. She obviously did a lot of whatever it is you do to make your butt look really round. If I had her ass, I'd have my skirt tucked into my panties "accidentally" all the time. Just sayin'.


Last week I was speaking to a customer on the phone. He sounded like a surfer dude. I totally thought I was talking to Crush from Finding Nemo. Shah. So at the end of the conversation, he says to me "You sound really pretty by the way."

Really? You're hitting on me over the phone, dude? So I replied, "Ummmm, thanks?" And then I moved on trying to keep him focused on business. But the dude wouldn't let it go.

"Where are you located?" he asked.

"Phoenix," I replied.

"Oh you should totally come visit me in Venice Beach," he said.

"Really?" I asked. "Can I bring my husband, my three kids and my stretch marks?"

The flirting stopped there.


The other morning, I was in the cafeteria getting some coffee. A woman walked up to the guy at the grill, held up one of the little menu/order forms and this is the conversation that ensued:

She: Excuse me?
He: Yeah?
She: When you say "croissant sandwich," what does that mean?
He: (blink blink)
She: I mean, does it come on a croissant?
He: (blink blink) Uuuuummmm, yes. It comes on a croissant.
She (obviously disappointed): Oh.
He: (still blinking)
She: Well, can I get it on something other than a croissant?
He: Yes. But then it's not a croissant sandwich.
She: Oh. You're right. I never thought of it that way.
He: (Eyes wide, staring)
She: Hmmmm. Okay, never mind. (Huge sigh)
He (looking at me): Did that really just happen?
Me: Yes it did.
He (shaking head): Unbelievable.
Me: I'm really happy you shared this moment with me.
He (laughing): Yeah, me too.


So there you go. A take your reader to work day, courtesy of yours truly. No need to thank me. This is what I do for you. I keep my eyes open, constantly looking for new stuff to entertain you. You are welcome.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

More stuff you probably didn't know about me but is further proof I am a weirdo...

I like to eat Red Vines at the movies. Only I just don't eat my Red Vines like a normal person, I tie the end in a knot and bite it off, and then tie the remaining piece in second knot and eat that. And I have done it that way for so long, I don't even realize I am doing it. But I can't eat licorice without tying it in a knot. Life would be so much easier if they sold the Red Vine in a knot form.

I hate wasting stuff. If I buy something, like a new brand of toothpast or lotion, and I hate it, I will continue to use it until it's gone because I don't want to waste it. I think that's why I tend to be pretty brand loyal about stuff. If I try something new, it's a big deal.

I'm anal about the recycling. No really. If I see something in the recycle that doesn't belong, I freak out. My kids are notorious for putting paper plates in the recycle. They don't get it. "It's paper," they say with a confused look on their face. Oy vay. And vice versa with seeing something in the trash that can be recycled. I freak. Like that one bottle in the trash is going to make a difference. But who knows. Maybe it would.

I feel uncomfortable when I am out in public without earrings or painted toenails. Yet I have no issues with not wearing make up.

I will never ever ever drink a non-diet soda. Because I am 100% convinced it will cause me to gain 10 pounds. I have no issues with eating pizza, chocolate, or just about anything that has been deep fried.

I don't like Hershey's kisses. Unwrapping them is too much work.

My feelings get hurt when someone stops following me on Twitter.

Whenever I take napkins from a dispenser in a restaurant, I grab as many as I can. I'll take a giant stack 2 inches thick. I don't know why. It might be the mom in me. But I don't throw them away if I don't use them. I have lots in my car and the entire top drawer of my desk is full of napkins. I'm a napkin hoarder. But I'm also an anal recycler (which sounds a lot weirder than I thought it would) so it makes it okay.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Cowboy

According to my stats this year, I have only posted 21 times. That is pathetic. Puh-thet-ic. Part of the problem is my computer was down forever and I hate posting on my netbook because I hit the mouse square thingy with my thumb and it just effs everything up and I have to start whole paragraphs over and then I'm in a pissy mood and it spoils what I was writing about. Is that even more pathetic?

The other part of the problem is I have been so busy. And I am just trying to do more things with my kids and spend less time on the computer, you know. They are growing up so fast and I feel like it's passing me by.

And the other part of the problem is sometimes I am just tired. Tired of talking about something or tired of thinking about stuff. Or just sick and tired. You know? I should have stayed anonymous. How many times have I said that???

But one of the things I really want to say is thank you. So many of you reached out to me after my last post just to be kind, and I was really touched. So thank you for being so thoughtful. It means more than I can express.

I don't really want to get into all the details, but basically I found out why my brother was trying to reach me. His father died. And even though he was not my father, he was an incredibly huge part of my life and he always treated me like I was his own daughter. So I was sad and shocked and broken hearted.

He was a special man. A tall and handsome cowboy whose eyes crinkled in the corners when he laughed or smiled. He taught me to ride a horse and to two step and to make sun tea. He put me in ballet when I was seven because he was too worried I would be a tomboy since I was spending all my free time on the horses and trying to learn how to spit. He wanted me to be a lady.

Yet he didn't allow me to be afraid when I fell off my horse. I can still hear his deep voice. "You have 5 minutes to cry and then get back up there." I have carried these words with me my entire life. They apply to everything I do.

So as of right now, my brother and I are talking. Well, texting really. I'm taking it slow. He's sad and lonely and in my heart I don't think it's right to turn him away. Yet I've got both eyes wide open and I'm not being stupid. We'll see how it goes. His fiance seems nice. She's very pretty and is very kind and supportive of him. That makes me happy. And yes, I feel like an asshole that I was so skeptical in the beginning. We'll see what happens from here.

Regardless, I am thankful for my amazing girlfriends, who listened to me and let me cry and supported me. And to all my blog buddies who make me smile and laugh.

And to my amazing husband. Who is so incredibly supportive and sweet. And after this many years of putting up with my craziness, he knows when to talk and when to listen, and most importantly, when to make a joke and fill my heart with joy.

I'm a lucky girl.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Ten on Tuesday. Even though it's Wednesday. Just go with it.

Borrowed from here.

There's some pretty heavy stuff going on around these parts. And I want to write about it because some times it's the only way I can process something. But I am not sure I can write about this because it doesn't just involve me. It's painful and complicated and confusing. And I'm struggling with a heavy heart right now. And I don't write a whole lot of the heavy stuff. But I just don't know if I can get through this without telling the story... So let's put it on the shelf for now and talk about some mindless nothings. Okay? Sound good? Are we cool??

Here we go....


Have you ever used Craig's List? I have looked at Craig's List for various items. And back when I worked for the He-Boss and She-Boss I used Craig's List to find tenants for their rental properties. But personally? I have never bought or sold anything on Craig's List. Ubes, on the other hand, is king of Craig's List.

Can you sew? Yes. A little. I can make really amazing baby things. And I can follow a pattern sort of, if it's easy. But I am too scared to hem anything and I probably couldn't do anything seriously complicated. But this is something I want to explore in the future. I would love to retake Home Ec. Or at least take a class of some kind. It's on my Bucket List.

Do you pour syrup on pancakes or dip pancakes in the syrup? Pour. Generously. And FYI, I eat my pancakes with peanut butter. Because it's delicious. Hey, don't yuck someone else's yum. (You can thank Katie for that piece of advice.)

Rain storms, love them or hate them? Love, love, LOVE THEM. Maybe because we don't get enough of them here in the desert? Or maybe because when we do get them, they are AMAZING. And kinda scary. But still, I love the rain and I love a gray day!

Do you like swimming? I do! My kids are fish too, so I love hanging out in the pool with them. Looking forward to that this summer fo sho.

What kind of drink do you order at Sonic? Um, duh. Diet Coke with vanilla. And I am still pissed at them for getting rid of their 99 cent drinks all day. I love my Diet Coke with vanilla but I am not willing to pay $2 for it.

Are you funny? I think we all know the answer to this. It is definitely a resounding NO.

At what age will your kids get cell phones? This is a good question. Junior is thirteen and has had a cell phone almost two years. He is responsible. And I love that I can always get a hold of him. So now, we will probably get one for Mac this summer. Mac made it through the whole school year without losing a jacket or a lunch box, this is a HUGE improvement for him. Plus he has had an iPod touch for two years and has never lost that. We'll see how it goes. But now that they are getting older and spending time at friends' houses, I think they should have phones for my piece of mind. Boo will get one in the 5th grade, because both boys will be in high school then and I don't like the idea of her being alone at school. And if you think I am being ridiculous, I will tell you that her friend Stella*, who is also in first grade, has an iPhone. And a Juicy Couture backpack. And a mom who drinks a lot, a dad who is never home, and a standing reservation at a rehab clinic in Tucson. Oh wow. Did I say that out loud?

What's your favorite vegetable? Artichokes. Love them.

Were you a Girl Scout? I was not a Girl Scout. But I was a Brownie. And I got kicked out of Brownies because I refused to wear that ugly uniform. Totally true story. Those people did not understand that I was a spring and would look like death warmed over in autumn colors. Springs do not look good in warm tones, people. That hideous yellow-gold turtle neck made me look like a washed out mess with a bad case of jaundice. And even at the tender of age of 8, I was not willing to compromise my fashion sense for a few cheap gold plated pins and a chance to sell some delicious cookies. No thank you. But let me tell you something. When I take over the world, one day very soon, I will demand that the Girl Scouts update their uniforms. Because OHMYGOD, no young girl should have to suffer bad fashion in order to sit in a circle and sing songs and do some crafts. Who will help me produce the PSA for this???

So yeah. There you have it. Ten on Tuesday. Which is really a Wednesday. And most of you will read this on a Thursday. But my next post is going to be a major bummer. You have been warned.

*not her real name, but it sounds an awful lot like that

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

So here's what's new...

Yeah I know, I have missed you too. Let's catch up with a few quick paragraphs, you wanna?


So I have this huge ugly bruise on my arm (I walked into a car mirror)(No I was NOT drinking at the time). It's all bluish greenish purplish yellowish. I know. Super sexy. And it's huge. Make a circle with your middle finger and thumb, like your doing the OK sign but with the wrong finger. Oh just do it, nobody is looking at you. Now separate your middle finger from the tip of your thumb by maybe a half an inch. Yeah. That's how big my bruise is. Yes, I actually measured it using the same method. It's totally scientific to do it that way. I read it in a book. Anyhoo, so I have this bruise. And for some reason, people who notice it immediately want to touch it. Seriously. Everyone who walks by me presses it to see if it hurts or something. So it just keeps getting bluer and greener and purpler. Which I know are really not words but I am in pain so I can say what I want.


My middle child went for a well visit at the pediatrician last week. We go to an office with many doctors so I'll make an appointment with any of them if it means I can get in sooner and at a time convenient for our schedule. So this time we happened to see a girl doctor. Mac didn't have a problem with it . . . at first. But when she told him to drop his pants so she could check for a hernia, his eyes about popped out of his head. I just sat there shaking my head and mouthing that I was sorry. The kid is 11, he has never had that experience before. So yeah, it was a little awkward. After the doctor left the room, Mac reached down and pulled up his pants and said "Well I certainly wasn't expecting THAT." The kid cracks me up.


So remember when I said I wanted to plan a vacation with a bunch of our couple friends? Well it's totally happening. We are going on a cruise in October to Cabo baby!! We're calling it the Cruise of Awesomeness. Actually I think I am the only one calling it that. Because it's gonna be awesome.


Our anniversary is this weekend. Seventeen years. WOW. Guess how we are celebrating? We're going to spend the day at the Arizona Canned Beer Festival. Oh yes my friends, 17 years and the magic is still happening. And I thought we would never top the romance of last year. Yeah that was one hot date. We saw MacGruber. And if you want tips on keeping the passion alive in your marriage, just send me an email. I mean obviously I am an expert.


Peace out my friends!


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

No. I'm not going down this road.

I'm ranting today. Just warning you. If you came here for warm and fuzzy, you aren't going to get it. And I swear a little. So if you are offended, just skip it and go read something happy. I won't be offended.

I hate it when people blame their childhood for everything that is wrong in their lives. I mean I get it. Your childhood sucked. So did mine. And his. And hers. And pretty much everyone born after 1960.

Yes, being a kid sucks. Someone else makes all the decisions for you. And sometimes those decisions affect you negatively. Sometimes those decisions cause a chain reaction of negativity and suckiness. Sometimes those decisions cause devastation. Sometimes those decisions leave scars.

But as an adult, only YOU choose how those decisions affect your future. Only YOU choose how to move forward. Only YOU choose what to do with those scars. Do you learn from the mistakes of others? Do you pick yourself up and rise above? Do you let those scars make you stronger? More patient? More compassionate? Do you grow the flip up and take responsibility for your own actions and feelings?

Because your experiences don't define you as a person. They don't dictate how you react to the world around you. They may help direct your path, but that is it. Everything that happens to you, leads you to where you stand right now. But YOU choose who is standing there.

I have no empathy for people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Who refuse to be accountable.

Why am I talking about this?? Well..... Let me tell you....

I have a brother. We were not raised together. We are different. Very different. It was like we were raised on different planets. And the reasons we were not raised together are complicated and not really the point of my rant today.

The point is this, he has carried a huge chip on his shoulder into his adulthood and frankly it got old. I mean I tried, people. I tried. For years and years and years I struggled and pulled and fought to maintain a relationship. I fretted and I worried and I literally made myself sick over him. I wanted so badly to have some resemblance of a functional family relationship with someone. And I just felt he was the natural choice since we shared so much more DNA. I just thought that alone would give us some kind of understanding of one another. Something that would transcend all the bullshit that had been thrown at us. All the obstacles and excuses and decisions that were made for us because we were children and didn't have a say in which path we took at the time. I just thought that even though his path took him one way and mine took me another, we would still share something.

But really, we are strangers. We have nothing in common except blue eyes and freckled noses. And after a while, I got weary. I got tired of the struggle to keep the relationship alive. Because it was always on his terms. And that just wasn't fair.

Because it wasn't my fault. Like him, I didn't choose my life. Like him, I didn't get a choice. And it wasn't easy. My life wasn't any easier or any harder than his. It was just different. Different people, different places, different experiences. Different tragedies and different celebrations. Different.

And I know that's not fair either.

But mine was different because I chose to handle it differently. I chose to rise above. I chose to learn from the mistakes other people around me made. I chose to see the good in my life. To be thankful for the fact that it could have been so much worse.

Regardless of the heartbreak, and the struggles, and the fear, I was fed. I was clothed. I was loved. And he was fed and he was clothed and he was loved.

But I kept moving forward and letting the experiences make me stronger. I can't sit around and boo hoo and woe is me and all that because there is no place for it. If you can't move forward, there is nowhere else to go. And I refuse to sit still. And I refuse to move forward carrying all of your bullshit on my shoulders. I have my own bullshit. It's what reminds me of how I got here and why I should be thankful I made it.

So I stopped trying. I stopped fighting and struggling and worrying and fretting and I just let go of him. And I was totally okay with it. I had peace. And a lot of people who have close families may not understand that. But I am okay with that too. Because my relationship is not yours. My family is not yours. My heart is not yours. My view is not yours. This is what was best for me, and for him, at the time.

I haven't heard from him in 14 years. He has a son I don't know. I have three children he doesn't know. And it's weird, but it's okay.

And then out of the blue, this weekend, I get a Facebook message from some girl. She's engaged to him. She has been looking for me. I tell her that he and I have not been in touch in a while. She responds that he agreed it had been a long time.

And then she provides me with his phone number.

And it all came rushing back. The anger. The confusion. The hurt.

I don't want this. I don't want to get involved. I don't want a brother. I don't want to know this girl he's engaged to. I don't want to get attached to these people. Because I can't go through all of that again.

I'm not calling him. And how dare he use this girl to get in touch with me. She is 21. He is 38. What in the hell is he thinking? I am not doing this.

If he has something to say to me, he needs to be a man and get a hold of me. Because I am not doing this again. Do you see a revolving door in front of me? Because I sure as hell DO NOT.

You are not welcome to come and go as you please. Especially now that I have children who deserve better than that. You don't deserve to know these children. You don't deserve to know me. You owe me an apology. You owe your mother an apology. And you need to grow up. And grow some balls. And see past the enormous amount of bullshit you have been fed your whole life. There are two sides to every story. So stop blaming the entire world because your life was not ideal. I'm sorry you experienced so many of the terrible things you did. But I can't change it. And neither can she. And she tried. OHMYGOD she tried! You don't even know how hard this woman tried for you. You don't even know all the things she did to help you. You have no idea how much she loved you. How hard this has been for her. And you are a parent for God's sake. How can you not understand? How can you not see from her point of view? How can you still be so selfish? You are a grown man. BE ACCOUNTABLE. BE RESPONSIBLE.

Rise above.

And tell your child bride I'm not accepting her friend request either. This isn't the Oprah Winfrey Show. There isn't going to be a heart warming reconcilliation. This is Jerry Springer. And I'm kicking your ass.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

7 Day Challenge - Day 7 - 7 things I do everyday

My life is so packed full with excitement, it's a wonder I haven't been offered my own reality show yet. Here are 7 typical activities for me each day. Don't hate me because your life is not this glamorous.

1. I consume a troublesome amount of Diet Coke. I know! Aspartame is bad for you blah blah blah. But at least it's not heroin so lets all just count our blessings.

2. I spend a troublesome amount of time on my cell phone. I talk to my mom. I text my husband. I text my oldest child. I text my friends. I check my Facebook. I check Twitter. I check emails. But at least it's not heroin so lets all count our blessings.

3. I check the news. Meaning I look up TMZ and People.com.

4. I iron something. Yes. Everyday. I'm one of those wacko moms who won't allow her children out of the house without creases in their sleeves. We iron EVERYTHING.

5. I do at least one load of laundry. Wash and dry. Folding is another story. But if we didn't have these piles of clothes all over the place, where would we sit?

6. I watch TV. I watch iCarly with my daughter. I watch Top Gear with my boys. I watch Baseball with Ubes. I watch various trashy TV shows like Real Housewives of OC and Mob Wives just for fun. I watch travel shows and a whole lot of BBC. Yeah. I'm a TV whore. (I do feel compelled to tell you I don't watch all of these at the same time or on the same day. Just so you know.)(Seriously. Stop judging me.)

7. I regret all of the things I didn't get done and swear I will do them tomorrow. I'm a procrastinator. But Fiddle Dee Dee. So what?

And the 7 Day Challenge is Finis! Oh I should have put that on the list! Every day I like to say certain words in French because it makes me feel fancy....

Monday, April 18, 2011

7 Day Challenge - Day 6: 7 Places I have been

I have been so lucky in my life to have travelled to a lot of fun places. I've been to Europe three times. I've been to some fun places in Mexico. I've been to Canada. I've been to the Caribbean. I've been to some amazing places within the United States. I've been everywhere, man.

And I have been to some really uneventful places too. So I thought it would be more fun to talk about those, because they get less press. So here's my list and some tips on where to go and what to do when you are there. Enjoy yourselves.

1. Tooele, Utah. (Pronounced by the locals at "Twella" but probably supposed to be "Too-el-uh.")(Or if you are trying to be funny, you pronounce it Tew-lee. Because people who have been to Tew-lee have a sense of humor.) This adorable little town is on the edge of the Great Salt Lake. It's a pretty cute little town, especially in the fall. . My mom's whole family is from there so it's full of crazy people. If you are looking for something to do, you can always go to the Wal-Mart. That is if there's no rodeo scheduled that day. Make sure you have a crispy meat burrito at Taco Time, super yummy. And call my Aunt Nellie so she can cook you dinner. The best place to eat in town, I guarantee!

2. Gila Bend, Arizona. (Pronounced Hee-la Bend) Seriously the armpit of the universe. Save your hate mail if you are from there. This is my opinion. By far the most depressing town I have ever driven through. The only thing to do there is stop at a gas station to pee. It sucks.

3. Wilmington, Delaware. (If you can't figure out how to pronounce this one, we have more problems than I can help you with here.) If Gila Bend is the right armpit, Wilmington is the left. No offense. But Wilmington sucks. I was there for three days on business in 1995. Three days way too long.

4. Overton, Nevada. Where I spent my first few years of life. And then I left. Now there's no reason to ever go there. Unless you are looking for someone to play horse shoes with you. In that case, it's a town full of contenders.

5. Black Canyon City, Arizona. And we all know how this one ended. Get gas there. And then get out.

6. Erda, Utah. Right next door to Tooele. Make sure you attend during Erda Days. I think you can actually chase a greased pig for a prize.

7. Kingman, Arizona. I would avoid this town all together. Everyone who comes from there is crazy. Timothy McVeigh anyone? Hello?? I mean yeah, it's got that whole Route 66 thing going, but is it worth it? I think not.

Tomorrow - Seven things I do every day.... Are you guys sick of me yet?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

7 Day Challenge - Day 5: 7 things I always carry

So the other day I was leaving work and this new chick says to me "Um, is your purse fake?" And I was all "Bitch, you want to step outside?"

Listen. I can handle criticism. You want to comment on my fat ass or my grey roots or my big teeth, fine. But you start questioning the authenticity of my handbag and I'm going to lay hands on you. Plain and simple.

Fake purses have no place in this world.

So. First and foremost....

1. I always carry a REAL handbag. I may have found it at the bottom of the pile at TJ Maxx or Last Chance, but it is real and it is spectacular. Believe that.

2. Within the handbag, I always have a smaller cosmetic bag. This one is usually something cheap but cute and its sole purpose is organization. I have a clear one just for the airport. (I'm all about making life easier for TSA.)(Plus getting frisked by a big chick named Mavis can get your vacay off on the wrong foot.)

3. Within the smaller bag, I always have gum. My preference is Ice Breakers Cubes in Peppermint.

4. Chapstick. Just plain. Although at Christmas I do love the peppermint. And I also have a mint citrus one that I keep in my desk.

5. Tylenol. I have a really cute sparkly pill box that I got a million years ago, so everyone knows I always have Tylenol. Ubes gets headaches a lot. I'm always prepared.

6. Hand sanitizer. I prefer the cute smelly ones from Bath & Body Works, but in a pinch I always have the plain. Nothing beats a glittery vanilla cupcake scented one, though.

7. Cell Phone. Kind of funny how we have lived most of our lives without these little beauties, yet the minute we leave the house without them, we feel naked and vulnerable and in a panic. How am I going to Tweet? How will I check my Facebook page? How can I text my random thoughts to my friends?? Oh and hey, what if there's an emergency and I actually have to (GASP) use a pay phone??? DO I HAVE ENOUGH HAND SANITIZER????

Tomorrow: 7 places I've been. Oooooh! This one is gonna be FUN! Because I've been to some pretty exciting places. Like Tooele Utah. And Gila Bend Arizona. Don't be jealous.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

7 Day Challenge - Day 4: 7 favorite things

Well we all know how much I love stuff, right? i have a go-gillion favorite things. This is pretty serious, where to I begin?

1. Charming Charlies - Okay, if you haven't been yet, don't say I didn't warn you. An entire store of nothing but accessories. And not teenager accessories like a Claire's Boutique. I'm talking serious necklaces, earrings, bracelets, shoes, handbags, etc. for your inner diva. The prices are so amazing, your purse will have an orgasm. But that only makes it easier to justify buying more stuff. So needless to say, according to Ubes, I am no longer allowed to enter the store unsupervised.

2. Bracelets - I know this might seem redundant after talking about where to buy bracelets, but I get them everywhere. I rarely leave the house without wearing a few. I love them. LOVE THEM. And nothing warms my heart more than seeing my daughter mix and match her own. My favorites are my Coach Bangles, John Hardy Chain bracelets, and my Betsey Johnson rhinestone. Aaahhhh... I feel so pretty.

3. Netbook - I love my Acer Netbook. I can take it anywhere, it fits in my purse. The battery lasts forever and it makes me happy. iPad, shmipad. I'm happy with my netbook.

4. Flip Flops - I don't know why. Maybe it's convenience? Maybe because they are so cheap so you can always justify another pair? I live for my flippy floppies. Ask Uberman, he's constantly tripping over them. And I think I have about thirty pair. My faves are my black sparkly crystalled and my brown leopard print from the Gap.

5. Netflix - If you are not on Netflix, you are not living. That should totally be their motto. The documentaries alone are amazing. And all those British Costume Dramas???? Getting me through the pneumonia that won't die. Greatest discovery since TiVo.

6. Seattle's Best Vanilla Coffee - This is the brand carried in the cafeteria at work. I am pretty sure there is an addictive chemical in it, aside from the caffeine. I can not start my day without it. I top it off with a good long squirt of vanilla cream and 1 artificial sweetener packet. And then the day is mine.

7. Planning a party: I know this may not seem like a thing, but it's totally an activity right? I love planning a party. Love it so much that when other people I know are planning a party it takes everything I have not to just completely take over and shout "You're doing it wrong, Dumb Ass!" My 40th birthday is in September and I am seriously planning my own party so that when my husband realizes he is going to be sleeping on the couch indefinitely if he doesn't throw me a huge bash, he will have all my notes and instructions and the planning will be a piece of cake. I'll just have to work on pretending to be surprised. Is that weird? No? I didn't think so.

So those are my a few of my favorite things. Tomorrow, seven things I always carry. Burdens and grudges totally don't count.