Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I don't get even. I get evil.


So we can all just take a minute to talk about the sheer awesomeness that is the new Pretzel M&M's? Have you tried these yet?? Seriously. No joke. Life changing. As a matter of fact, I think that should be their motto. They should just print it right on that blue bag. And yes M&M Mars, you are welcome.

I have a story for you guys. Are you ready? This is a good one. It's all about one of my favorite topics of discussion: Customer Service. How many of you are with me in the belief that good customer service is on the endangered species list? Well, follow me as I take you on a journey, and tell me if you think this interaction was a PMCE (Positive Memorable Customer Experience).

The cafeteria at work is so kick ass, it actually has a Subway inside. And who loves Subway? This girl. So the other day, I purchased a delicious Subway sandwich (Spicy Italian with provolone on white), grabbed a small bag of baked chips and a drink and proceeded to the cash registers at the far end of the cafeteria. I always pick the same line because the cashier is always cheerful and friendly and I enjoy our usual witty chit chat. Unfortunately, as I got closer to the register, I was disappointed to see she was not there that day.

Regardless, I waited in line just briefly, and when it was my turn to pay, I set my items on the counter (I always forget to grab a tray so my hands were full) and waited for my total.

The substitute cashier was tall and thin, and very pretty, despite the ridiculously hideous uniform and hat she is required to wear. And obviously, she was not having the best day.

"Is that a refill?" she barked at me as I set my drink down. I hesitated for a moment because I didn't understand her question. The drink was in my company issued, insulated, ginormous plastic mug. They don't sell those mugs in the cafeteria, you just bring it in and fill it up. So yeah, it was a refill. I thought that was kind of obvious.

"Is. That. A. Reeefffiiilllll-uh???" she asked again. I looked at her in surprise, completely taken aback by her overwhelming hostility. And then I tilted my head and smiled at her. My great big I-will-not-sink-to-your-level smile.

"Yes," I said warmly. "It is a refill."

She turned back to her register, punched it in the face a few times, and then turned back to me. She held her hand out with loud exhale. I stared at her empty hand for a brief fraction of a second. And then I smiled again.

"I'm sorry," I said to her. "I must not have heard you tell me how much I owed you."

"$4.25." She shoved her hand closer to my face. I stuck my hand in the front pocket of my jeans, trying to dig out the folded bills without dropping them on the floor.

She sighed impatiently. By this time, one of my co-workers was in line right behind me. I could tell by the look on her face she had over heard some of this exchange and was a little shocked. I shrugged my shoulders at her.

I gave the cashier my Big Smile again. "I apologize. I guess I should have been more prepared for you." I handed her a five dollar bill.

"Yes. That helps." The cashier snapped the money from my finger tips and rolled her eyes.

I lowered my voice and leaned in closer to her. "My pants are too tight," I laughed. "I couldn't get my hand in my pocket to dig out my money." My co-worker laughed.

The cashier turned back to me and then looked down at my lunch. "Well," she said with a sarcastic smirk, "Subway will take care of that."
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(I KNOW, RIGHT???? I still can't believe it.)

My co-worker actually gasped. I looked straight into the cashiers eyes and smiled The Big Smile again. "Yeah, you are probably right," I said to her with a little laugh. "Thank you for your patience. Have a great afternoon!"

And I confidently walked away.

So, dear friends, what went wrong here? How would the average person have handled this situation? Do you think this was a Positive Memorable Customer Experience?

(I think it is important for you to know this cashier is not an employee of Subway or the totally awesome company I now work for. She is an employee of the food service company contracted to work in our building.)

I could have been rude to her. I could have been equally hostile. I could have asked to speak to her supervisor. I could have been understandably embarrassed. I could have demanded an apology.

But I didn't.

Instead, today, I brought her a bag of Pretzel M&M's.

Partially because I wanted to be the better person. Partially because I wanted to share the life changing, candy coated drops of joy and happiness with others. Partially because I wanted to kill her with kindness and hopefully make her feel a teeny tiny bit regretful about being such a horrible nasty bitch. And partially because I hope she gets so strung out on them, she will eventually have no choice but to understand what it's like to dig wadded up bills out of the front pocket of super cute jeans that are cutting off her circulation.
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I think I am teaching her an important lesson in expressing empathy, which is a key factor in PMCE's. Yep. That's what I am doing. Teaching people how to provide better service, one empty calorie at a time. That's how I sleep at night.
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That and the crash after the sugar high.

(M&M Bag photo courtesy of mrsmoneysaver.com)


Monday, June 28, 2010

An Interview: Poop and Boogies

A little over two years ago, I was blog surfing on a rainy Saturday morning. I kept clicking on blogs linked to other blogs, jumping around the interwebs, peeking into people’s lives. I had been thinking about starting a blog of my own for years, but just hadn’t made the commitment.

But on this day, as I bounced from blog to blog, I found this post. And I laughed and laughed and laughed. And I called Uberman, I can’t remember what he was doing at the time and why he wasn’t home, and I read the post out loud to him over the phone. And then I called my mom and read it to her. And then my MIL and several friends. By the end of the day, I had that post almost memorized. It was the first blog written by someone I didn’t know, that I followed religiously.

And I decided to start a blog of my own.

Two years later, I am lucky enough to consider William of Poop and Boogies a friend. I was so excited and honored when he agreed to allow me to interview him. Even our emails back and forth to set the whole thing up were hilarious. We finally agreed on a time that was convenient for both of us, considering the three hour time difference made it seem like we were on different planets sometimes. But when he answered the phone on the third ring, I was a little caught off guard by his heavy breathing. I caught him in the middle of his ab workout. But he thanked Jesus for my timing and reluctantly agreed to stop to answer my silly questions.

Me: First things first. Your Facebook and blog signatures refer to you as William, but your wife calls you Bill. Which do you prefer? How would you introduce yourself?

Bill: Everyone calls me Bill, I prefer William. It’s the name my parents gave me. But it also sounds pretentious. Hello my name is William. Actually, I prefer Lord William.

Me: Ha ha! I love that!

Bill: No, I’m kidding. It would be “Hi I’m Bill.”

Me: You have been blogging since 2005. 2005! How do you keep it going? What do you do to avoid blogger’s block?

Bill: That’s a tough question because anything you say sounds stupid and pretentious. But it’s like a hobby. Like collecting beer cans or playing softball. Guys who play soft ball play 20 games. Or the guy in the bowling league. It’s just a hobby. It’s just what I do.

Me: Your blog has been mentioned on the Dr. Phil show, and you get famous authors like Brad Meltzer sending you advance copies of books, and now you even have Huggies sponsoring you. What’s it like being such a blogging bad ass?

Bill: Well the coolest thing in the world was getting recognized at Chuck E Cheese. But now that I’m on Facebook, everyone I went to high school with reads my blog. I was at the pool the other day and I was talking to my brother. Well I got up to tell Max and Wyatt to knock it off or whatever, and this woman turned and look at me and she said “Bill?” And I realized I went to high school with her but I haven’t seen her in a while. She said she wouldn’t have known me if I hadn’t said the kids’ names. She recognized me from the blog. But I’m not a bad ass, I’ve just been around a while. I’m just lucky and fortunate. But not a bad ass.

Me: You are husband to the lovely Lauren, you are a father to three handsome boys (Max, Wyatt and Jackson), you work a real job, spend your weekends on home improvement projects and yardwork, plus you are occasionally involved in your local theater. On top of all that, you consistently post a few times a week on your awesome blog. How do you find the time to be all things to everyone?

Bill: Seriously, about 5 to 6 hours of sleep at night. I’m usually up by 5:00 and in bed around 11:00. Especially because Wyatt’s always up at 5:00. He’ll go to bed at 8:00 and by 5:00 in the morning he is coming into our room.

Me: You just turned the big four oh. How’s that working for ya?

Bill: I’m older than I’ve ever been. That’s what forty is. I’m closer to death than I am to my birth. That’s really what it’s like.

Me: Oh that’s depressing. When I was about to turn 30 I compared it to throwing up. You know how you stand there with your head hanging over the toilet and you know you’re going to throw up, you feel it coming and you’re sweaty and sick and rocking back and forth. And you hate throwing up so you are dreading it and you don’t want to do it but you know it’s coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. And then there you are in the middle of it, you are heaving and hacking and your insides are coming out of your mouth. And then you’re done and it’s over and you feel great. Is that what 40 is like, too?

Bill: No. It’s not that bad.

Me: Like you, my mom came from a big family. She was #7 of 9 kids. Except she was the sixth girl, sandwiched in between three boys. Kind of an unlucky spot, don’t you think? I envy her relationship with her brothers and sisters, especially since I was raised an only child. What is the best part of coming from a big family?

Bill: Did you know the seventh child was the witch child? Back in the day the 7th child was the witch. If you Googled it you would find it. (I hear clicking on keyboard. He starts reading to me.) “The seventh child is cursed and thought to have supernatural powers.” See? This is on the internet, so it’s true. Seriously, look it up. It’s from the witches bible.

Me: Ha! That is funny! And explains so much about my mom. (Just kidding mom.)

Bill: No, but seriously, I think the closer you are together in age when you’re younger, that stays with you growing up. But there is always someone cooler than you and there’s always someone not as cool as you. At any given moment you are not the best or the worst in the family.

Me: If you didn’t have the opportunity to have the life you have right now, where would you want to be? What would you want to be different?

Bill: In Hollywood. I would want to be a famous actor.

Me: Seriously? You would?

Bill: Yeah, I still do. I want to get to Saturday Night Live. That’s my goal.

Me: Well hey, look at Betty White. She’s what, 188 years old or something and she did it.

Bill: True. But she did have like 50 years experience and talent under her belt before that. I’m coming a little late in the game.

Me: Do you think these interview questions suck?

Bill: No.

Me: I’ve never really been to Philly. I mean I have been to the airport and then driven to Delaware, but I didn’t get to see the sights or have a cheese steak or anything. What is so awesome about living in Philly?

Bill: First of all, why the hell were you in Delaware?

Me: (Long, boring explanation of why I was in Delaware.)

Bill: Oh. What’s awesome about Philly? Well, it’s an hour and a half from the beach, and hour and a half from the mountains, an hour and half from New York City, 3 hours from DC and Baltimore. There’s always something to do.

Me: You are interested in acting. Who is your go to guy? You know, that one actor who you will pay money to see his movie no matter how sucky the movie looks? Mine is Ed Norton.

Bill: Michael Keaton. I’ve seen every one of his movies up until the year 2000.

Me: What’s your favorite movie of all time?

Bill: The Princess Bride.

Me: David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

Bill: Is this your husband’s question?

Me: Yes.

Bill: David Lee Roth. I’m not a big Van Halen fan except I did listen to them in the 80’s. I stopped listening to them once they switched up. I think that album with Jump is the last one I listened to.

Me: How do you feel about an arranged marriage between my Boo and your Max?

Bill: Yeah, what’s the dowry?

Me: What?

Bill: How many cows?

Me: Does it have to be cows?

Bill: Well how old is she?

Me: She’s 6. She’ll be 7 in October. And she is amazing. You would be lucky.

Bill: Yeah? Well send her to college in the middle somewhere and we’ll make it happen. Like University of St. Louis or something. (Bill, I think you said St. Louis?? I didn’t type the city and now I can’t remember and I don’t want to misquote you…)

Me: How about Northwestern?

Bill: Where’s that?

Me: Near Chicago.

Bill: Yeah that will work. I’ve never been to Chicago.

Me: You haven’t? It’s a great city, I love Chicago.

Bill: I haven’t been to a lot of places.

Me: What is your favorite place in the whole world? Besides home or your mom’s house or whatever.

Bill: Brigantine New Jersey.

Me: Where the hell is that?

Bill: One town north of Atlantic City.

Me: Really. Why?

Bill: A friend of mine in High School, his parents had a house there we used to go all the time and sit on the dock and drink beers and hang out. It was just the most peaceful place to be. That and Key West.

Me: Oh I love Key West! I was there on my birthday last year. It was so much fun. I don’t have much recollection of the entire day but it was fun. We did a pub crawl. And that was the end of that.

Bill: Lauren and I spent our honeymoon there. It’s a great little town. I would totally live there if I didn’t have kids.

Me: What’s your favorite TV show? Don’t say Glee. Please don’t say Glee.

Bill: No, I do watch Glee, but Modern Family is my favorite show. Used to be The Office and 30 Rock, but now Modern Family.

Me: I love Modern Family! I want to live next door to Cam and Mitch. Don’t you think The Office has gone down hill with Pam and Jim and now the baby?

Bill: No, I think it’s just trying too hard now. They need to explore some of the other characters like Kevin and Creed. I would love to see what Oscar’s life is like outside of work, they need to devote some episodes to those other characters. But you have to have Michael Scott. You have to have Dwight. But they don’t need Jim and Pam anymore.

Me: Okay here it is. This is going to make us or break us. How do you feel about Beyonce?

Bill: (Deep breath) Honestly? I was a fan of Destiny’s Child. I was. But not a fan of Beyonce. I went through a top 40 phase. I’ll admit it, I have a Destiny's Child CD. But Beyonce? She’s ok.

Me: How do you think you and Lauren would do against me and Uberman in a Beer Pong Challenge?

Bill: You and your husband would beat us until Lauren had about 3 games under her belt. And then we would win.

Me: I am not surprised at all to hear that. She seems like she would just rock at everything.

Bill: She does. She beat all of us tonight in two games of Wii bowling. That’s just how she is.

Me: Okay Bill, serious question. What the hell is the Philly Fanatic? Don’t you wish you guys had a cooler mascot? Like I am one to talk. The D-Backs mascot is a stupid bobcat named Baxter. How embarrassing.

Bill: I don’t know. No one knows. But you want to hear a funny story about that? The owner of the Phillies hired this marketing group to come up with a mascot. So they brought out this costume and he tried it out. People loved it. The marketing company offered to have him buy the rights for like $250K, or he could just rent it for so many years. He decided just to rent it. Well it just blew up. The fans loved it. It’s the most recognized mascot now. And maybe three years later, they paid like 8,000,000 million dollars to buy the rights.

Me: There’s a lesson in that somewhere.

Bill: Yeah. You gotta strike while the iron’s hot. I mean I could be wrong with the exact figures, but the point is the same.

Me: What famous person, dead or alive, would you like to have dinner with?

Bill: That’s a tough one. I don’t like that question. People judge you based on your answer.

Me: No one is judging you. Who cares. (Like anyone is even reading this.)

Bill: It’s just a lot of people to pick from. I’ll come back to that one.

Me: You have been doing the P90X for a few months. How is that going? Any words of encouragement for someone who would rather stick needles in her eye than get her fat ass on the treadmill?

Bill: Just go out there and do it. Not to sound like a Nike commercial or anything, but if you do something today, it’s going to be easier tomorrow. Take five steps today, six steps tomorrow. It’s not easy. And the first 10 days suck. Once you get past that, it’s easier. But it still sucks.

Me: Your blog is all about your parent’s influence on your parenting skills. What do you find yourself doing or saying that your parents always did or said to you?

Bill: Don’t hit your brother. I probably say that every day.

Me: What do you do differently?

Bill: I don’t know. My parents were very good role models. Just recently I realized I’m own person. A combination of both my mom and my dad. And I can do things my own. I can be different and it's okay. I don’t know. I just don’t want them to hit each other.

Me: What are you and Lauren doing this New Year’s Eve? How do you feel about coming to AZ to participate in Hunko Drunko Bunco?

Bill: You know what? I would absolutely love to. But what would we do with our kids? What the hell is hunko drunko part?

Me: Well the Hunko is because we invite the husband’s. Normally they are not allowed. And the drunko is because, well, we serve cocktails. It’s awesome.

Bill: If I’m ever in Arizona I’m coming by.

Me: What’s your idea of the perfect date with Lauren?

Bill: For her or me? Because it could be different.

Me: There isn’t one that would be perfect for both of you?

Bill: I don’t know. Window shopping in a little town with antiques and artsy stuff. Because I like antiques and she likes the artsy stuff. And if it had a little bar for dinner and drinks. That would be for both of us. For me it would be like that Brazilian steak house she took me to for my birthday. That was awesome. And the perfect date for her would probably be her by herself somewhere.

Me: My friend Karen is a huge fan of yours. She has two questions for you. First, what 5 words would your best friend use to describe you?

Bill: Bill, he, is, an, asshole.

Me: (laughing)

Bill: No, for real.

Me: Nuh uh! No they wouldn’t.

Bill: I don’t know. They would probably say loyal. They would say he is the guy who would come bail you out and not ask questions.

Me: Hey, there’s value in that. Everyone needs a guy like that.

Bill: Yeah, I think I’m that guy for a lot of people. But some of my friends would say he is the guy who I wouldn’t call to bail me out because he would make fun of me.

Me: Ha! I do that too. I love making fun of people who do stupid things!

Bill: I just follow the comedy trail. That’s what I usually say.

Me: Her second question is, if you had 24 hours to do ANYTHING, how would you spend it?

Bill: Oh this is easy. Having sex and then have 23 hours and 58 minutes left over.

Me: Wow. Poor Lauren.

Bill: I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do.

Me: Well just like you said Lauren’s perfect date would be her by herself, what would your perfect date by yourself be?

Bill: I don’t know. Okay, I love casinos. It would be hanging out at a casino, getting a massage, going to a spa, smoking a cigar and having some cocktails. But not losing. Because that would suck.

Me: It is absolutely crazy to me that we have never met, yet I still feel like we are friends. I think that is one of the most amazing things about the blogging community. What is the best part of blogging for you?

Bill: I know! There are only a handful of blogs that I consistently follow. People whose personalities I like. There’s a handful of people that I follow that I am generally interested in their life. People like you and Bogart and some others. Some of those people have stopped blogging. But I read for the funny stuff, the little stories. Because I am genuinely interested. And, if it’s going on a bad streak I’m going to tell you. In real life, if we are sitting at the bar and you’re crying me the blues, I’m going to tell you shut the [hell] up. I like funny up beat stuff. I don’t want to read dark and sad and depressing. I want to read happiness. I’m quoting the cover of a book right now, and I’ve never read it but I love the name. Scatter Joy. Scatter joy all the time and it will come back to you.

Well Bill, thank you for scattering joy. I thoroughly enjoyed every one of the 104 minutes that we were on the phone. You definitely scattered some my way. And although we never did go back to the question about what famous person you would have dinner with, I am pretty confident I now know the answer to this.

It’s obviously me.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fly

I have been thinking a lot this week. I know, totally unusual for me. But I've had quite a few light bulb moments.

I take a lot of things for granted. I mean overall, I am very thankful for the wonderful life I have. I appreciate the people in it. I try very hard to say thank you and to tell people I love them. But sometimes, I don't see what's right in front of my face, you know?

I'm one of those people who needs closure. And if I can't have that, then I want the last word. I know, I realize how annoying I am. I realized this week that I need to let some stuff go. I need to just get over it. I can't change other people. I can only change me.

Everything I have done in my life, every decision I have made or road I have taken, has brought me to this place. To where I am now. Instead of carrying with me all the wrongs that have been done to me, I need to be thankful for the outcome. I need to appreciate the things I have learned. I need to grow stronger from those moments of weakness.

The only thing keeping me from going forward is my resistance to move. I need to get over my fears. Drop the stuff weighing me down. Let go and just be free. Sure there will be hurdles along the way, but I have the ability to jump. And it gets easier the more you do it, right?

I guess I will just have to see. But I am ready. Ready for whatever comes my way. Ready to fly.

Monday, June 21, 2010

An Interview: Stacey!

So I have decided Mondays will be Monday Interview Day! YAY!!! I know you guys are so excited about my new series. And it was totally not created out of boredom and/or writer's block. Ahem.

This week, I have interviewed one of my BFF's, the lovely Stacey of La Vida De Redish. I have known Stacey for almost twenty years, she is my surrogate sister and I heart her dearly. So sit back, relax and prepare to be entertained....

Me: So, Stace. Welcome to my new interview series.

Stacey: Thank you! I am so excited. This is such a great idea.

Me: Is it dumb? It's dumb isn't it? Would you tell me if it was a stupid idea?

Stacey: Yes I would tell you! And no it's not dumb. Your interview with Ubes was hilarious.

Me: So then what’s it like being friends with someone who has this level of awesomeness?

Stacey: It’s a tough act to follow. Big shoes. But always fabulous shoes.

Me: Thank you! So your husband Scotty is quite the hottie. What’s it like being married to such a handsome man?

Stacey: It has its moments of being awesome, but sometimes I’m like “Okay chick, I’m sitting right here. Enough with the staring.” And here I am his chubby wife.

Me: Stop it, you are beautiful. But I understand where you are coming from. I always feel that away about Uberman too. Like when I meet people he works with or something I wonder if they feel sorry for him because his wife is fluffy. You guys have been married for 12 years. What’s your secret to success?

Stacey: Don’t be afraid to argue. I think it’s crazy that people try to strive for perfection. I’d rather be real and have arguments and then go out to dinner and get over it. Especially the going out to dinner part.

Me: So true! I feel the same way. This is why I love you. You like to eat. So what’s your favorite food?

Stacey: Sushi.

Me: Really? I can’t do it.

Stacey: You’re missing out. Only two things we disagree on, Beyonce and Sushi.

Me: I probably don’t like them for the same reasons. Cold and slimy and neither can sing. What’s your favorite accessory?

Stacey: Purses. They always fit.

Me: Ha! That is awesome. I love that.

Stacey: They never betray you.

Me: Word. So true. You’re a pretty fashion savvy chick. As a redhead, are there things that inhibit you from wearing what you want?

Stacey: Yes, there are colors I can’t wear. Obviously orange is out. I would love to wear pink and I can’t. Can’t do khaki or beige, it disappears on me. But I’m loving these flow-y peasant tops that are in right now. A few years ago when it was all tight t-shirts, that was a nightmare.

Me: I feel you there sister. Speaking of sisters, what’s it like being the oldest of three?

Stacey:
My sisters are awesome. I couldn't ask for anything better. It is kind of overwhelming being sisters with two girls who are so incredibly gorgeous and beautiful. That’s where the self esteem issues come in.

Me: What are you talking about? You are all GORGEOUS. You are too hard on yourself. And your sister Nikki is just a freak, no one can compete with that level of beauty. But I think she has something bad somewhere, like a big hairy mole on her back or something. Otherwise it’s just unfair.

Stacey: True! So true! My sisters are my best friends. We are a close crazy family and I am very protective of them. And they are of me. That’s the way it should be.

Me: Your mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. What is the most important thing you learned from her?

Stacey: She raised me to be independent and strong willed. She always says she raised us not to take crap from anyone. And we don’t. I’m not the girl that sits back and says “Oh that screw needs to be tightened, I need to wait for my husband to do it.” I’m going to do it myself. I don’t need to wait for anyone to do something for me. If there is a problem, I take care of it myself. I mean I can’t change my oil or anything but I do what I can.

Me: That’s why God invented Jiffy Lube. Your family is in the middle of a pretty major crisis. Your nephew Jack is battling cancer. (Jack was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma in March of this year. You can read his blog here.) And he’s just a baby. But one thing I notice about all of you is that you stay positive. You guys aren't standing there feeling sorry for yourselves and asking why this is happening. No one is questioning God or saying woe is me. Laurie is always so positive about how wonderful he is doing and asking for prayers for all the other children they have met in the hospital. You guys are just so thankful all the time. I think anyone in your situation has a right to a little self pity, but you guys don’t give in. How do you do it?

Stacey: We question why. We have days where we wonder why this is happening. But this whole experience has opened our eyes to what people really go through. I used to get emails forwarded to me about other kids going through the same thing and I would think “Oh that’s sad!” And then I wouldn't think about it again. But now I am the one forwarding these messages and I am expecting people to get on their knees and pray. It has opened our eyes to how selfish we can be and how thankful we need to be for every little thing. We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of support we have received from strangers. And for Zac and Laurie to meet all of these parents who are going through the same thing has helped them cope. I mean this is their child. Their baby. He’s my nephew and I love him, but at the end of the day I have no idea what my sister is going through or what she is feeling. They have met people that are unfortunate enough to have this in common, and we are so thankful for the support they get.

Me: How is Jack doing?

Stacey:
He’s doing very well. He just finished round 5 of chemotherapy and his levels are really good. Normally right now he would be getting platelets but his levels are so great he doesn't need them.

Me: So what’s next with his treatment?

Stacey: He has his next x-ray June 28th to see if the tumor in his chest is operable. If it is, they will probably remove it that Wednesday, which is June 30th. After that, there’s more chemo and then bone scans to see if it’s pulling out of his bones. In August or September he will have 30 to 60 days in the hospital in isolation while he goes through a stem cell transplant. We won’t even be able to visit him at that time, only Zac and Laurie can be with him then.

Me: If there are people who are reading this and want to help, what can they do?

Stacey: They can go to thejackmortonfoundation.org and click on donate. The medical bills are enormous. They have insurance, but it doesn't cover everything. He has coinsurance and out of pocket costs and he has already surpassed one quarter of his life time max in three months. That, to me, is terrifying. And they have to pay all his prescriptions out of pocket. The costs are just horrendous. Every dollar helps. Also Loco Patron in Scottsdale is hosting a Casino night June 24 at 8:30 PM and all proceeds will go to the Jack Morton Foundation. One hundred percent of the donations benefit Jack’s continuing care. Everyone should go out there and have a great time! (You can also join the Facebook group I’m Praying for Jack! We are trying to get 1000 members! Come on, help us out!!)

Me: Stacey, I love you. Why do you think we get along so well?

Stacey: Because we are so alike. My mom was your work mom. She raised you at work and she raised me at home. We are the same. So it’s all because of Mom.

Me: I totally agree.

Stacey:
I remember when you stayed with us when Mom and Dad went out of town once. I thought you were so school because you had that teal green Geo Storm.

Me: I know! The only thing cooler than the teal green Geo Storm was my red Miata. But I was so jealous when your mom bought you the Jeep.

Stacey: Hey I made the payments on that! But I was pretty bad ass with my red jeep and cow print seat covers. And the scrunchy on the gear shift.

Me: I always had a scrunchy on my gear shift too! We were so cool!

Stacey: That’s why we are friends. Obviously.

Thank you Stacey! For taking the time to talk to me, for indulging my ridiculous whims, and for being such an amazing friend. I cherish you and I wish you didn't live so far away. Can't wait to see you next month!! Mmmwah! (That was supposed to be a kiss but now that I am looking at it, it just looks stupid. But you get the general idea.)
I have other interviews all lined up! If you are willing to be interviewed, send me an email! I love talking to anyone and everyone. Unless you're creepy. In that case, no thanks.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

It's Thursday and I'm feeling random so this is gonna be a lame post. Plus I spend the whole time telling you what to do.

Oh my gosh you guys. I have had such an overwhelming response about my idea of having an interview series! You guys are all such attention whores. But that is even better for me! What started out as a whim, a last ditch effort to save me from blogger's block, has turned into the most exciting thing since I found Steve Madden peep toe sling backs at Ross for $9.99. I know dudes. I am PSYCHED! If you are interested in being interviewed, email me. I would be happy to showcase your talents or lack there of. This is gonna be so awesome!

In other news, I am thoroughly enjoying my new career adventure so far. Right now I am in training, which can suck at times, but I really like almost everyone in my class. And after working in a small building with the same eight obnoxious assholes people for the last two years, it so fabulous to be in a building with 3000 people to make friends with and talk about to. I love looking at what everyone is wearing. So fun! Getting up at 5:oo am, however?? Not so fun. I want to go all Office Space on my alarm clock every morning.

Yesterday morning, I actually saw a little person walking a pony. On a harness. I guess it could have been a miniature horse, I don't really know. I don't know the difference and furthermore don't really care. The point is, seeing a little person walking down the street with a pony on a harness is like seeing a shooting star. I didn't know if I should make a wish or buy a lottery ticket, but I knew it was gonna be a good day. I mean how could it not be, right?

Ubes and I started watching a new show on the Travel Channel called Bert the Conqueror. You guys. I was practically peeing my pants watching this show. This guy, Bert, duh, travels the world facing his fears on different amusement park rides. His reaction is hilarious. I could not breathe, I was laughing so hard. Check him out.

Are any of you on Twitter? I know some of you are. I feel like I am finally getting into the swing of things Twitter-wise. I have finally figured out how to use it to best suit my needs. It helps that I don't seem to get a lot of fake followers anymore. Most of the fake followers are porn sites. I call them Twatters. I know, clever, right? I am funny. Not sure if you have heard.

Anyhoo, one of my favorite Twitterers . . . Tweeters? People I follow? Hell I don't know what you call them. Maybe I don't get Twitter after all. ANYWAY, sheesh, I really enjoy Dave Hill. Freaking hilarious comedian/musician and "highly boneable public figure." He's quirky and goofy and oddly clever and I find myself laughing out loud when I read his tweets. You may not like him, but I do and that makes me cool. You can also read his blog here. He used to have a show on the now defunct Mojo network called The King of Miami. Just a suggestion. If you don't like him, you are weird. But I think I can overlook that and we can still be friends.

What else is going on?? Hmmmm.....

OH! Last night Ubes, The Best Man, the Best Man's girl Ethel and I got to go to a test screening of a kick ass new movie that is not even coming out until August! It was awesome! And I am not even allowed to talk about it or tell you the name of the movie or anything or I could be sued. Swear to God. I had to sign a paper and everything. And I got frisked going into the theater. Which, I am not going to lie, was kind of enjoyable. But I couldn't bring my cell phone in and I felt naked and weird. I mean what do people do with all that time before the movie starts? Ethel and I were all "This sucks. I wonder what's going on on Facebook right now. I wonder who is texting me..." It was awful. Even the popcorn Ubes bought me didn't make me feel better. But then the super secret totally awesome movie started and it was all good again. As soon as I am legally allowed to do a review, I will! So sit tight.

Speaking of movies, I can not wait to see Toy Story 3 this weekend. We are taking Ubes for Father's Day. And I just know I am going to cry through the whole movie. Andy's going to college you guys! Can you even believe he's all growed up? I get all verklempt just watching the preview. Jeez, I am tearing up right now. I know. I'm a huge goober. But that's okay because I am cool with it.

Okay I guess that's all for now. I am so flipping tired you guys. Getting up at 5:00 sucks. Big time. But coffee is my new best friend. And my super awesome new work has a cafeteria with 4 choices of coffee, including Hazelnut! And four choices of cream, including Vanilla! Hellz yeah!

Peace out dudes, I am going to bed.

Monday, June 14, 2010

An Interview: Uberman

So I have been a little stumped at what to blog about lately. Seeing as how my life has been so exciting. I know dude. Watch out Lindsay Lohan. I am taking over as America's Wild Child.

So I had an idea to interview some people and turn it into a maybe weekly post. What do you think? Well, too bad because I am doing it anyway.

My first guest is none other than the amazing Uberman. (Thunderous applause!) And away we go....

Me: Uberman, we would like to welcome you to the blog. How are you doing today?
Ubes: Doing what?
Me: No, how are you doing today? Like, what's your overall mood?
Ubes: About an 8.
Me: Is that a scale of 1 to 10?
Ubes: 1 to 11.
Me: Why just an 8?
Ubes: Because there is always room for improvement.
Me: So what's it like being married to the most awesome woman in the universe?
Ubes: Awesome.
Me: Come on! You have to be interesting.
Ubes: (Burps loudly)
Me: (Glares. Rolls eyes while making a "Hmph" sound.) Babe! Come on. Please help me with this!
Ubes: Ok.
Me: What's it like being married to the most awesome woman in the universe?
Ubes: I'll let you know when I marry her.
Me: Okay so what's it like being married to me?
Ubes: An interesting adventure every day. Good enough to make a movie out of.
Me: AW! That's really sweet. What's your favorite thing that we do together?
Ubes: (giggles)
Me: Besides that?
Ubes: I love seeing the world with you. I like it when we get up on Sunday mornings and watch travel shows all day.
Me: What's your favorite place we have ever been?
Ubes: Driving on the Autobahn. Or Yankee Stadium. Or the Hofbrauhaus.
Me: What do you like most about my hair?
Ubes: It smells good.
Me: What about my face?
Ubes: It's pretty.
Me: What's your favorite pair of my shoes?
Ubes: The hooker ones.
Me: Which ones?
Ubes: Those new gold and brown ones you just got are pretty bad ass.
Me: YES! I love those too!
Ubes: And I like your pink Air Force Ones.
Me: What's your favorite thing I cook for you?
Ubes: Wonder Mix.
Me: What about dinner?
Ubes: Soup. I like it when you make me soup.
Me: Who's my coolest friend?
Ubes: Flint. She brings me beer.
Me: You realize this is going to cause serious fall out? Kristen is gonna be pissed you didn't pick her. And what about Dee? She is not going to be happy. And what about Erin?? She might stop bringing you salsa!
Ubes: Clint is the one who makes it.
Me: You probably just got kicked out of Erin's inner circle with that comment.
Ubes: Bros before hos.
Me: If you could surprise me with one totally awesome gift, what would it be?
Ubes: A winning lottery ticket. A book deal. A trip around the world. Dinner with Sam Calagione.
Me: Mmmmmm, Sam.... What do you like most about our kids?
Ubes: They make me happy. I like being a dad.
Me: I think you favor Boo.
Ubes: Because she's a baby.
Me: She's six.
Ubes: She's still my baby girl. She still has all her baby teeth.
Me: If you could be a superhero, who would you be?
Ubes: Wolverine. Because he's bad ass and he rides a motorcycle and he gets to hook up with hot chicks. No wait. I'd be Iron Man. Because of all those things and he has cool cars and he likes to party.
Me: What famous person would you like to have dinner with? And don't say Megan Fox.
Ubes: Beyonce.
Me: Where do you want to sleep tonight?
Ubes: What?
Me: What famous person would you like to have dinner with? For real?
Ubes: Derek Jeter.
Me: What?? Why?
Ubes: Because he's Derek Jeter. Or that new foreign chick from She's Out of My League.
Me: No.
Ubes: This isn't fair. You are asking me and I am answering. You can't say no.
Me: I can do whatever I want. It's my interview. Tell me three things you would like to do before you die.
Ubes: Own my own brewery, go to Cooperstown, and run with the bulls in Pamplona.
Me: How do you feel about my blog?
Ubes: I didn't like it at first but now I dig it.
Me: Why?
Ubes: Because it's a creative outlet and you are creative. It's a good thing. You got me into blogging. It has opened new doors for us.
Me: Except I never get anything free like you do. It sucks. Even William at Poop and Boogies gets free diapers. Sheesh. You would think I could score some free shoes. Or at least some diet coke with vanilla from Sonic.
Ubes: Yeah. Bastards.
Me: What are you going to get me for my birthday?
Ubes: Vibrating panties.
Me: I'd rather have an iPad. And shoes.
Ubes: I'll see what I can do.
Me: What do you love most about me?
Ubes: I love that you make me laugh. All the time. You make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Me: Aw! You are so sweet. Will you run to Sonic and get me a diet coke with vanilla?
Ubes: Hell no. I'm not going anywhere.
Me: (Sighs)

And scene.

If you are interested in being interviewed by me, please let me know. I would be happy to include you in my new weekly series. And for those of you who don't want to be interviewed by me, too bad. I am asking you anyway. (Gotham Girl, I'm looking at you. And you too Virginia. And William. And Stacey. And Karen. And Mom. And Travis. Prepare yourselves!)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Rediscovery. Is that even a word? Do I really care?

Being locked in a tiny room with 9 other people for 8 hours a day brings all of your issues right out in the open. Have you ever noticed that? So I am rediscovering a few things about myself. Things I knew, things you probably know. But let's go over them anyway. Mmmmkay?

I was born without a filter, a fast metabolism and patience.

I don't like it when someone else is wasting my time.

However, I am totally okay with wasting my own time.

I roll my eyes a lot. They are currently sore.

I like to look at people's shoes.

I am addicted to my phone and when I can't check my texts or send texts I get the shakes.

I drink an alarming amount of diet coke.

Summer in Arizona is hot.

I have zero tolerance for bullshit.

I don't enjoy it when people go "Mmmmmmmm...." while they are eating. Once maybe during the first few bites, but continuing this noise through the entire meal and you are just begging me to stab you in the neck with my fork.

Quiet people make me nervous. I don't know what they are thinking. But I am pretty sure they are afraid of me and/or think I am obnoxious.

I used to be photogenic. Not that I am saying I am gorgeous or anything, I mean I am okay and I have a pretty cute nose, but I used to take a decent picture. And now? Not so much. I got my badge at work today. I look really tired. And constipated. And fat. And like I just gave up and quit caring about my hair. And let's not even talk about my eyebrows. It's not good. My passport picture is still the worst picture ever, but at least it's hilarious. No really. I look at it sometimes just to put myself in a good mood. Hilarious! But rest assured I had on fabulous shoes. Too bad you can't see those in the picture.... Sigh. (And I really don't understand why the badge picture taking lady thought that was such a weird request, but whatever.)

I'm tired. 5:00 AM is freaking early.

I love it when you guys comment. It makes my day. Gives me something to look forward to when I am reunited with my phone. But no pressure or anything....

Monday, June 7, 2010

More Random Thoughts - (I'm a lazy blogger, I'm aware!)

Started the new job today. It went pretty well. Honestly I was just thankful to be there. My background check didn't clear until Friday morning. Yeah, three days ago. And if it didn't clear by Friday, I wasn't starting until it did. I was sweatin' it, Bro. But it cleared and all is right with the world. Yay!

Ubes and I spent the weekend doing yard work. We thought we would be all frugal and awesome and rent a rototiller for the lawn and poof! Fresh and clean yard! Wow were we stupid. There was a whole lotta sweating and shoveling and raking and weed pulling and griping about jacked up pedicures. Okay so the complaining part was just me. Ubes did most of the raking and shoveling and weed pulling and didn't complain at all. He just raked and shoveled and wiped his brow and asked me if I was staying hydrated. The man is a saint. I don't know how the hell he puts up with me.

Are you going to judge me if I tell you I can hardly wait for the premier of Big Brother in July?? I know. I'm sick.

It's hot. Like hot hot. I'm hot. I go outside and I can feel my makeup melting on my face. That is not a good feeling. I don't enjoy it. I really don't enjoy the feeling of my heels sinking in the pavement either. Gooey mascara is fixable. Tar on a stiletto is not.

Saw Sex & The City 2 with my MIL, SIL, Ubes' cousin the Teacher, and her mom the Principal. It was okay. I'm glad I saw it, but it wasn't as good as the first. I'm going to see it again this week with Raia. I asked Ubes if he wanted to see it with me and the conversation went like this:

Me: Want to go see SATC2 with me?
Ubes: HELL NO.
Me: Why?
Ubes: Because I'll probably get my period and then what are we gonna do?

His good looks will one day fade, but he will keep me laughing forever.

Anyhoo, my favorite part was where Charlotte and Miranda were talking about how hard it is to be a mother. Duuuuuude. I teared up. I have so been there. Even now, I constantly feel guilt about working. But this is what I have to do to help my family right now. And even if I didn't have to, I would still want to. And I don't think I should be made to feel guilty about that. I get sick of the whole Working Mom versus Stay At Home Mom. We are all moms. We should just be there to support one another through this journey. Let's stop the stone throwing ladies. On both sides of the fence.

On a completely different note, I want to give a shout out to my Bunco girls. I know I tell you guys all the time how lucky I am to have these women in my life, but really, these words do not do justice to my feelings for this group of girls. Last week we ended the evening with some seriously personal discussions. I left that night so thankful that we all feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about that stuff. I love these girls! Every one of them! So Erin, Brooke, JDubb, Kim, Wendy, Diane, Amy, Katie, Flint, Mary O, and Becky - Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Thank you for telling me the truth instead of what you think I want to hear. Thank you for being my friend! I love each and every one of you so much!

And I'll leave you with that. Looking forward to tomorrow, my first actual in class training day. Funny how you can already tell who is going to irritate the hell out of you, huh?

Peace out peeps....

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Random Thoughts - Ping Pong Ball Style

I spent the day hanging out by the pool with my girlfriends and all 170 of our kids. This being off work thing is pretty frickin' awesome. Except my right leg is super sunburned. Just my right leg. Like I was smearing sunblock on and left out my whole right leg. Almost one fourth of my body. Yeah, I don't get it either. The bad news is I actually have a blister on my shin. A blister. And now I am probably going to get skin cancer and die. Which is super inconvenient. Because I have plans, people. I got stuff to do, ya know?

I start the new job Monday. I will be in training for the ENTIRE summer. But I did receive an email today with my post-training schedule. I will be working four ten hour days with Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. I am psyched. This means I will get to consistently volunteer at the kids' school next year. One of the major bummers for me as a working mom is not being as involved at the school. So this is almost the best of both worlds.

One of the kindergarten moms made each kid a DVD with pictures from the entire year set to music. It was so lovely. And Boo has watched it at least a bajillion times. We watched it right away when we got home from the last day of school. I'm not gonna lie. I cried. I can't believe my baby is going to be a first grader.

While we sat on the family room floor in front of the TV, she stretched her little leg out and rubbed the top of my foot with hers. "My foot loves your foot," she said. I felt my heart burst at that moment. She's a joy.

I have been so busy this past week and a half that I haven't accomplished anything I wanted to with my time off. So I am staying home the next three days to get everything done. Wish me luck. It is quite the to do list.

My Google Reader is stressing me the flip out. Every time I log on, it reminds me I have like 389 unread posts. I don't need this kind of pressure. I don't need Google Reader giving me anxiety. I am thinking of not using it anymore because I am so stressed out about it. I don't need the computer to make me feel like a failure. I can get on the scale for that kind of a beat down.

Oh, and I am officially boycotting Perez Hilton. And you should, too. I am SICK of him talking SHIT about Arizona and the immigration bill. Calling it ridiculous, racist and unconstitutional. Encouraging famous people to boycott our state because of it. It is not ridiculous, racist or unconstitutional. It is an exact restatement of the federal law that is already in place. If I go out of this country, I am expected to carry my passport at all times. I can be stopped in another country for ANY reason and asked to show my passport. The immigration bill specifically says in ALL CAPS that a person CAN NOT BE STOPPED FOR NO REASON. So you know what Perez? You don't live here. Mind your own business and shut the eff up. You have obviously not read the bill. Read the bill! And don't you dare call me a racist. When my husband and children are MEXICAN. Not Hispanic. MEXICAN and proud of it. Now if you will excuse me I need to climb off my soap box, delete you from my bookmarks and Google skin cancer. Thank you and good day.