Friday, December 3, 2010

The Secret about Victoria

Will any of you be uncomfortable if I talk about underwear for a minute? No? Okay good. I didn't think so since we are BFF and all.

So I like to buy my bras at Victoria's Secret. I know, they are expensive. But honestly, they make the girls look good. You know what I'm sayin'? And I need the girls to look good. Because they are sad and depressed and not looking anyone in the eye these days. So my friend Victoria helps them keep their, um, spirits . . . up. Or something like that.

Anyways. My only issue with Vickie and her secrets, is that I am pretty sure she discriminates against the big girls. And when I say girls I don't mean boobs this time. I mean actual girls. Ladies. Women. Women who may not be the size of Heidi Klum and all her cronies, but still want to feel sexy in their chonies. I personally have always loved to wear cutesie bras and panties because I can't wear everything I want.

So the other day Ubes and I were out shopping for our monkeys and I went into Victoria's Secret to check out the goods for my goods. I found a bra that I wanted and noticed they were having a buy one get one half off sale. I turned to find a sales associate to ask which bras were part of the sale, but I couldn't get one to look my way and I felt it was inappropriate to scream across the store "Hey! Is this bra included in the sale or what?"

I expressed my frustration to Ubes. "See, this store pisses me off every time I come in here. I always have a hard time finding someone willing to help me."

"Why?" Ubes asked.

"Honestly? I think because I'm not Victoria's Secret model material."

"What?" He was skeptical.

"I really don't think this store is "Big Girl" friendly. Look at the sizes they have on display. They are all the small sizes. The bigger sizes are in the drawers below." I pointed to the drawer to emphasize my point. "And they only go up to a size 38. Don't you think someone bigger than a 38 wants to wear sexy bras?"

I forget Ubes doesn't know what a 38 is. But seriously, just because a woman is not a 34B or a 36C, it doesn't mean she doesn't want or deserve to feel pretty. Right? And I think it's funny that I have such a hard time finding my size, which I am not embarrassed to tell you is a 38C (I've been measured, dude, I know it's accurate), because obviously a whole lot of 38C's are beating me to the drawers and buying up all the "Big Girl" bras.

But whatever.

And I think as I stood there waiting and looking for someone to help me, Uberman still thought maybe I was being a little too sensitive... Until....

A very nice sales associate finally approached me and asked if I needed some assistance. She was like me, older and single digit size challenged. I pictured her to be a happy mother of teenage boys with a dog and a husband who likes to go camping. I don't know why. These are the things that go through my mind in split seconds, people. I realize I may need medication, but the imagination is what keeps life exciting.

Anyhoots. (Ha! Get it?? Hoots?!?!? I crack myself up!) Nice Sales Lady tried to help me find an amazing black and white lace bra that was out of stock (bummer) and then helped me to a dressing room with my other choices. As I stood in the dressing room trying on bras, every girl's favorite weekend activity, I overheard another associate talking to Nice Sales Lady.

"Shawna, are you helping the woman in this dressing room?" she asked. I could see her black boots below my door and I knew I was the only one in a dressing room at the time.

"Yes," said Shawna.

"Oh good," said the other associate. "Because you probably understand more about her . . . um . . . sizes and stuff."

Excuse me?

I am sorry but what is there to understand about my size? Being a 38C does not qualify me as some kind of special needs. It's not like I have three boobs instead of two, right? I mean when did being a 38C mean you were an elephant?

Seriously, I don't want to jump up on my soap box and champion the rights of the plus size folk everywhere, but give me a break!

And I hate that term "plus size." What does that even mean? Plus what? A bigger ass?

I'm just saying that I am sick of being looked down on or excluded or whatever because my body isn't smaller. I'm not lazy. I'm not unhealthy and anyone would be envious of my amazingly low cholesterol level. My size just so happens to be in the double digits. Sue me.

But here's an interesting fact: I like me. I think I am pretty much awesome. And I think most people who take the time to look past my droopy 38C's enjoy having me as a friend. Yeah I wish I were thinner. I wish my thighs weren't so jiggly and I felt more comfortable in a sleeveless top. And I'm working on it. But I'm working on it for me. Not because I am worried about what anyone thinks. Despite my lack of perfections, I am happy with the person I see in the mirror. Because she is nice. She is funny and charming and compassionate and full of life.

And her husband thinks she is pretty sexy with or without the help of Victoria and her secrets.

So take that Vickie. I for one will be finding a new place to buy my undergarments. And you just lost a Facebook friend. Hurts, doesn't it?


Jessie said...

Brava, my friend! I think you are spectacular!

I hope you didn't buy the bras after all that. I would be so mad I would have opened that door, flashed my girls and said, "They're real, and they're spectacular!" And then remembered the look on her face for all time.

And by the way, you may have a better experience of bra buying if you went to Nordstrom's or Macy's. The prices are probably similar and I bet the sales associates are nicer. Especially at Nordstrom's. They are kind of the bomb.

Trisha said...

Amen! Amen! Amen!

WILLIAM said...

Bras , Boobs and Batteries --A batteries are the smallest, There really isn't a B size battery so I equate them to 9volts. C batteries slightly bigger, D batteries slightly bigger than that.

A batteries go into toys and small gadgets and stuff, Fun to play with but eventually they run out of juice.

9 Volts are like standard everyday use type of batteries, Remote controls and fire alarms and alarm clocks. They get the job done.

D batteries are for big stuff that needs a lot of power, Flashlights and big toys like Bigwheels and what not.

C batteries ont he other hand are like the universal donor of batteries they are in so many things, toys, gadgets, household items etc.

caroline said...

I've never like Victoria's Secret and those drawers you have to look through to find your size. From one 38C to another, Hanes outlet stores rock and the sales associates will measure you, help you find anything you're looking for and will ship to your house if you find something you like but can't find your color. They carry other brands too. Vickie and her secrets! April, I love reading you!!!

DevilsHeaven said...

OMG!!! I can't shop at Vickie's because THEY DO NOT CARRY MY SIZE. I am a "special order". That's right, I can't go home with the cute little pink bag. A BRA store that doesn't carry bras. Go figure.
I get my bra's from Lane Bryant, who actually carries COLORS in my size, and I get to take them home RIGHT THEN.

Book Girl said...

I got measured there once and the 12 year old working there told me I was a 40 D. I just stared at her, wondering how she never learned how to use measuring tape. Sure enough, the ones she brought me were way too big. Retards.

chandy said...

I think a C cup would be lovely! I'm a bit tired of chairing the itty bitty titty committee here...

"Intentionally Katie" said...

April, that story pissed me off. Your humor helped the situation a bit ("Plus what? A bigger ass?" HAHAHAHAHA!) but seriously, pissed.

What annoys me most is that I just found an awesome bra there. The perfect bra. But now I want to boycott them for being so snooty. And for having ads that make most husbands wish their wives looked "like that."

And Chandra: "itty bitty titty committee"...??? You are hilarious, my friend!

Sue said...

Yeah, what she said!

Vickie sucks.

Anonymous said...

A girl at work was telling me about Spankx bras. She said they're about $60, but the most comfortable bra she's ever owned. You might want to try it.

I can't remember my Google account info - it's Karen, not Anonymous. Loser, right?