Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Are you going to dip it in yogurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons??

The holidays can be really stressful on a marriage. You're spending a bunch of money, trying to juggle time to spend with extended families, etc. Plus one of you is always doing more than the other. One person does the majority of the shopping and wrapping and baking and preparing, am I right? All of this added stress can be really difficult on an otherwise happy marriage, don't you agree?

Uberman and I have the same argument every year. And this year I am just not sure we are going to work it out. So I need your help in resolving this. Seriously. I want your opinions. Because I know you all will agree with me that he is flat out dead wrong.

In the movie Love Actually, Alan Rickman's character Harry is married to Karen, played by Emma Thompson, but he has this flirtatious relationship with his skanky assistant Mia, which Karen witnessed at the office Christmas party. A few days later, after a provocative conversation with Mia, Harry ends up buying the skank a necklace for Christmas, which Karen finds in a pocket as she is hanging up his coat and excitedly assumes it is for her. Are you following me so far?

(I guess I should warn you that if you have never seen the movie there are some spoilers ahead. And also, I am not sure we can be friends anymore.)

So on Christmas Eve, the family gathers around the tree to open one gift each, and Karen chooses a small square present from Harry that is the same size as the box she found in his pocket. She is devastated when the gift turns out to be a Joni Mitchell CD and not the necklace. She excuses herself to her bedroom and has a little cry as she tries to decide whether or not to confront her husband about her suspicions he is having an affair. The whole scene is very sad.

Now here is where I need your help. Do you think Karen had the right to be sad and devastated that she did not receive the necklace? Or do you think she was jumping to conclusions about her husband's infidelity? Uberman argues that A) the purchase of a necklace is not confirmation of an affair (even though later we see skanky slut face Mia climbing out of her bed in bra and panties and wearing the necklace) and B) how does she know the necklace is not still wrapped under the tree waiting for her?

I know. Can you even believe his nerve?? He could not be more wrong. We KNOW Harry gave Mia the necklace because we see the skanky slutty mcwhore wearing it. And we KNOW he didn't buy two and there isn't one under the tree for Karen. But he argues that we know that because we are the omnipresent viewer. Karen does not know. She is just making assumptions. Which I argue are correct. But he says she is just being a big baby. And I say she is trusting her intuition, as she should. Because as women, we always know.

I know, right?? The guy has some balls. I mean he is just sooooo wrong here it completely infuriates me. And the only reason he won't accept the fact that Harry is a cheating dirtbag (which HELLO! He is!! We see it later!!), is because he is hoping some day to meet Alan Rickman and have him record his greeting on his voicemail. Maybe his chances are greater if he stands in solidarity with Alan that his character is being unfairly accused. Whatever.

Regardless, this is causing a major rift in our marriage. We may need to seek counselling.

So what do you think? Without the knowledge of whom the necklace was intended for, did Karen have the right to be upset? Is Harry a jerkface liar? Is Mia a nasty disease ridden trampy whore husband stealer? And more importantly, is Uberman just straight up WRONG??

You are welcome to comment as anonymous. Unless you disagree with me and then you better straight up give me your name address and phone number so I can come egg your front door and key your car.


chandy said...

He is SO completely wrong. Of course Harry is a complete jerk, and there is simply no other side to the argument.

And I really like Alan Rickman too, so I understand his voicemail point, but Alan always plays bad guys so it is fitting that Harry is an ass. (I'm totally picturing him saying something like "Leave me a message, or I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!")

"Intentionally Katie" said...

Ub. Come ON! I just don't see the point of this argument. Mike gets mad at me for making assumptions (not about him buying another chick a necklace, but other boring stuff) until I find out that I'm RIGHT. WTH? What is it with men???

Julie said...

I haven't seen the movie, but am adding it to my Netflix cue right away!

Seen it or not, Uberman is totally wrong on this one.

Kristi said...

A) One of my favorite movies, evah
B) The purchase of a necklace which he does not give his wife is SO TOTALLY CONFIRMATION of an affair it's not even effing funny!
C) Even if he was not having an affair, the sheer inconsiderate-ness is grounds for immediate divorce.

I rest my case. Let that be a lesson to you Uberman!

DutchMac said...

The CD vs. necklace discovey alone wouldn't be enough to justify her freak-out, but combined with what she witnessed at the party AND good old-fashioned woman's intinct (i.e. she's been mrried to the dirtbag for years and KNOWS him) gives her every reason.

But oh, to wake up every day to Alan Rickman's voice, which can only be even BETTER as morning-voice ..... well, that just might possibly be reason enough to stay with the pond scum anyway!

DevilsHeaven said...

Ok, look Uberman. There was ONE BOX under the tree that was the same shape and size as the CD/Necklace. If there had been TWO, they would have showed that and her trying to decide which one was actually the necklace so she could open it. So unless he bought his mother a fancy necklace instead of his wife(don't even go there!) she is quite right to conclude that he is a cheating stink face jerk.

caroline said...

We can't expect mere men to understand a woman's intuition.

Even if she hadn't seen the necklace prior to Christmas morning, getting a CD from your husband is a big clue what a jerkbag is he is and he MUST be having an affair.

Sue said...

Uberman is wrong, you are right, end of discussion.

By the way, I bought every single gift for our kids this year, and my folks, and the neighbors, and our friends, and wrapped 99% of them. I'm just sayin... not that I'm cranky or anything, but I'd better not find a friggin Joni Mitchell CD in my necklace box.

Sue said...

Oh - and Merry Christmas!

Jessie said...

Okay, you know I respect Uberman, but he is dead wrong! If Erik ever bought ANYTHING for another woman, even if it's my sister-in-law, I would be suspicious. I buy the gifts; it's my job.

Furthermore, even if Harry wasn't actually sleeping with the skank, there was definitely some infidelity and the wife had every reason to freak out on him. (I've freaked out for less, but that could be hormones...)

Ubes, you're wrong. April, you are right.

Also, I second DutchMac's idea of waking up next to Alan Rickman...

WILLIAM said...

What you did "not see" in the movie...the inbetween scene stuff that moves a story along that the audience fills in the gaps -Technically called Leaps of Logic or some such is the fact at one point Emma Thompsons characte probably bitched at Rickman telling him that he should not buy her anything because they need a new furnace or something and so Rickman decides to return the neklace or (he gives it to Mia) becasue he relaizes that if he does give the necklace to his wife she will be mad at him for getting a present when clearly they talked about NOT buying presents..."And it is not fair because I didn't get you anything decent and you bought me this necklace" So Rickman decides he is damned if he does and damned if he does not and so...Sorry April...Ubes is right.

Travis David Suhr said...

I completely disagree with everyone else and am 1000% on Uberman's side. This is just a classic Male VS Female, and everyone else agreeing with you obviously has a vagina.

First, a necklace does not equal sex or an affair. It never show it. Period. Now, as a viewer, if you make that leap, then that says more about your own lack of faith and trust in the male species as a partner and/or husband.

Yes, we do see Mia wearing the necklace later. But call me crazy, I'm sure the company manufacturing the jewelry made more than one. How do we know she got it from Harry? Maybe she bought it for herself? We never once see him give her the necklace. We never once see them in bed together. Again, a leap made by the VIEWER.

Secondly, how does Karen know the present isn't under the tree? That's a great question. Or how does she know he's not planning on giving it to her later in bed on Christmas Eve. Or first thing Christmas morning. Maybe he doesn't know how to wrap a present. She ASSUMES (just like the viewer) that once she doesn't get the necklace he must be cheating.

Which is completely ridiculous. Sorry, but your argument April is based on zero logic.

Uberman is right.