Thursday, September 23, 2010

Oh yes. This totally happened.

Let's start with a food confession: Tuesday night my dinner consisted of two Dogfish Head Punkin' Ales and a garlic bread stick. Hey stop judging me, I was totally within my points for Fat Camp. And in my own defense, pumpkin is totally a fruit. Hey I wonder what the fiber content is? I may have overestimated the point value....

The other night, Ubes and I were watching TV and there was a commercial on for toilet paper. You know the one with the cartoon bear? So the bear is sitting on the toilet singing before he wipes his youknowwhat and Ubes looks at me and says "I hate this commercial. Don't ever buy that toilet paper because this is just stupid. Who sings while they are wiping their ass?" Well hey guess what? Yesterday I went into the bathroom at work and there was a woman two stalls down humming quietly and singing while she was obviously working on a numero dos. So at least now we know the answer to Ubes' question.

Yesterday I also walked around for two minutes at work looking for my desk only to realize that I was in the wrong wing of the building.

For more than 24 hours this week I was being followed on Twitter by both Sea World and the Czech Republic. And just when I was completely convinced that I was kind of a big deal, they both quit following me. Maybe the Czech Republic thought I was an actual Queen. And maybe Sea World realized I am in fact not a whale, especially now that I am trying to lose weight. Bah Dum Bum. Ah, fat jokes at my own expense. I crack myself up! Either way, I got Twitter dumped by an entire country and an amusement park. But I'm pretty sure I am still kind of a big deal.

I'm totally, hopelessly, helplessly, head over heels hooked on Jersey Shore. I want to stop and I can't. I'm even following Snooki on Twitter. There. I admitted it. And now you know. I feel better, don't you?

Good news. Pumpkin is super high in fiber. I looked it up on the Google. Think I'll go drink another beer since it's so healthy. It must be 5:00 somewhere....

Monday, September 20, 2010


The other day I called home. I can't remember why, it doesn't really matter, but Junior answered the phone. We engaged in our usual witty chit chat and then he excitedly began telling me about his day. And as I listened to him, I heard something different. It was so subtle, I may have missed it if I had been preoccupied, but there it was.


His voice has taken on this ever so slight raspy quality. It's not a Peter Brady squeak, it's just this deeper undertone. It's there. And it took my breath away.

I've noticed a difference in him over the past few months. He's always been so mature anyway, but this is different. I've always said he was a 40 year old man trapped in a child's body, and I think the 40 year old man is trying to get out.

He's taller. Almost as tall as I am. I can't see the top of his head anymore when he asks me to help him tame his unruly curls. He's not as clumsy as he has been in the last few years. He walks taller, with more confidence. Almost graceful. He just doesn't seem like a kid anymore.

The other night he had just gotten out of the shower and he thrust his armpit in my face. "Look!" he said. "I'm getting hair under my arms!"

And then yesterday I was at work and he sent me a text message.

"Mom, when am I allowed to date? Because there is this girl that I like and I want to ask her before someone beats me to it."


What happened to my baby? Where is that blue eyed little boy with the dimples, who messed up my house with his hot wheels? The one who wore his Woody costume every day for an entire year? The one who used to splash in puddles and beg me to read Miss Spider books and watch Bob the Builder?

I miss that little boy. Where did he go?

As a mom I want so badly to cling to him. To keep him young and sweet and innocent. Friday afternoon I watched his face as he talked to me, I watched the way his eyes widened as he told a story, how the corner of his mouth turned up as he said something funny, and how his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed. Every once in a while I would see that little boy who used to live here.

And every once in a while I would glimpse the man who will be here soon.

And again, it took my breath away.

Friday, September 17, 2010

In response to "Inspiration"

Dear Bill,

I want to run. I want to be like Lauren, signing up for half marathons and bad ass stuff like that.

I am down 9.5 pounds since August 9. I have had to fight tooth and nail for every ounce. It's not just falling off like it did when I was younger. (Oh those carefree days of experimenting with eating disorders. How I miss you.) I have so many more to go Bill.

It's so difficult and I hate it. Every. Damn. Minute.

And today I am really struggling with food. There's some stress going on around these parts and I feel the need to comfort myself with food that is bad for me. I want a red chili beef burrito from Carambas. Or Polla Con Queso from Ajo Al's. Or my mom's white trash potato casserole. Or my Aunt Vonna's boiled fudge cake. Or Thanksgiving.

And because I am fighting so hard for every ounce of weight, I want to give up.

But I don't.

Because I already feel better. 9.5 pounds is nothing compared to what I have to lose. (I'd like to lose 40 more.) But that 9.5 has given me more energy, more comfort in my clothes.

It's SO HARD. (That's what she said.) And I don't want to do it anymore.

But I do.

I have to. I have to get healthy.

And you have inspired me to get started. To keep going. Remember what you said to me on the phone that night? You said JUST DO IT. Just get out there and run. Take five steps today and 6 steps tomorrow.

So get your 189 pound ass out there at 5:00 in the morning and run. Because you are my Black Hockey Jesus and you're keeping me motivated. And my promise to you is the three days a week I don't have to be at work at 6:00 am, I will get my enormous ass out there and work my way up to running. I can't sleep in anymore anyway, might as well get outside and start ticking stuff off my bucket list.

And then someday, you, Lauren and I will run a half marathon together. Hell, I'll even come to Philly for it. And Uberman will watch the kids while we run and then we'll all go look at a Philly Cheesesteak and remember the good ole days when used to actually eat them.

Now I have to go. It's time for my snack. I'm gonna go eat a Fiber One bar and pretend it's a rice crispy treat.

With nothing but love and admiration,

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


My kids brought home permission slips so they could watch President Obama's speech today. After I signed Boo's slip, I tried handing it back to her and told her to put it in her backpack.

"Oh, no thank you," she said, shaking her head at me.

"No," I told her, "it's your permission slip to watch the President's speech tomorrow."

"I know," she said. "I don't want it."

"What do you mean? You need to turn it into your teacher. Put it in your backpack."

"I don't want to watch it," she said. "It sounds boring." And then she rolled her eyes. She's six.

I stared at her for minute. "So what do I tell your teacher?" I asked.

"I don't know," she shrugged her shoulders. "Tell her I'm a republican."

Friday, September 10, 2010

April in September

My mother named me April, despite the fact I was not born in April, but because she liked the name. I think it set the precedent for my need to be unique.

I'm superstitious. I had breakfast with Erin and Brooke today and Erin complimented my clear skin. Tonight I got a zit on my chin. I blame Erin. It's like she blew my no hitter.

Fat Camp is making me grouchy. I'm hungry. I want pancakes. With peanut butter and maple syrup. And a side of bacon.

I think people should have to give you a reason for dropping you from Facebook or Twitter. "I didn't want to be your friend anymore because I got sick of you talking about how funny your kids were." Fine. I'm a big girl. I can take that. "I stopped following you because you are boring and never have anything interesting to say." Thank you. I accept that and you are absolutely right. See? Isn't that so much better than wondering if you pissed someone off?

My potty mouth has gotten progressively worse in the last year. I am not proud of this but sometimes bad words do make you feel better. And Jesus knows my heart so stop judging me.

I am pretty sure my new schedule is going to make my life so much more amazing. Four tens. Sunday through Wednesday. Thursdays and Fridays in the house all by myself?? Hello Heaven. You sure smell nice.

I have been reading a lot lately. I love books. I love the way they smell. The way the pages sound when you turn them. The weight of it in my hands when I'm curled up on the couch or in my bed. When I was in the 6th grade I read a story by Isaac Asimov. It took place in the future, like all his stories do. It was about a girl who had never seen a book. Everything was electronic. All books were on a miniature TV. I thought that was ridiculous. I couldn't even imagine a world without books. And now I am scared this story will come true. I've decided I don't want a Kindle or a Nook or any of those things. I'm staying old school and sticking with books.

I think God was preoccupied when He made me. First of all, I should have been born in England. Secondly, He gave me two different ears, so somewhere out there I have an indentical ear twin. And He forgot that Stacey, Sarah and Kara T. were supposed to be my little sisters. Also He failed to equip me with a filter and a fast metabolism. But I am not complaining. He is God after all. And I am sure He has a plan.

I can't parallel park. If the fate of the world is dependent on my ability to park downtown, we are all going to die.

On Tuesday I turned 39. I wore red high heels to work to celebrate the occasion. I'm okay with 39. And I'm not afraid of 40 either.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Congrats to KERRY!! She has won the $20 credit at Sassy Toppers!

Thank you so much for reading and for supporting Stacey and Sassy Toppers!

Kerry, please email me at aprilsreignblog at gmail dot com to claim your prize!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My first ever give away!!

My girlfriend Stacey has started her own business, Sassy Toppers Bowtique. You guys need to check out these adorable, handmade hair bows for girls. Or for boys, if you swing that way. Whatevs.

And check out the April Clippie, named after yours truly. It's practically perfect in every way.

So here's what I am prepared to do. Because I love you so much. And especially because I love my girl Stacey. I am going to do a give away. YAY!! I really wish I could figure out a way to make confetti fly out of your computer screens. And hey guess what? When I first typed that previous sentence, I typed the word "spaghetti" instead of "confetti." Either way, that would be pretty impressive.

Anyhoots. Where was I? Oh, give away!

Here are the rules:

1. Never talk about Fight Club.

That's a joke. If you don't get it we can't be friends anymore.

Okay, this time for real. The rules:

1. Go to the Sassy Topper website, then come back and leave a comment telling me which bow is your fave. (You don't have to pick the April Clippie, but it may earn you some brownie points.)

2. Become a Sassy Topper Fan on Facebook. (If you already are, skip to rule three.)

3. Leave a comment on Sassy Topper's Facebook wall telling Stacey how you heard about her amazing bows and how lucky she is to have such a fabulous friend like me.

4. If you have a blog of your own, link this post! Leave me another comment letting me know you linked!

5. Never talk about Fight Club.

Okay so rule 5 was a joke again, but it's just SO funny to me!

Anyhoosies, for each rule you follow, you will receive one entry in the drawing for the grand prize: A $20 credit towards any Sassy Topper product! Yay!

***More spaghetti flying out of your computer screen!!***

Now for those of you dudes out there who aren't into hair accessories, I have a deal for you. Follow the rules anyway, and if you win and choose not to accept the credit, I will donate it to The Jack Morton Foundation in your name.

Also, if you are one of my lovely international readers, you can still participate! I will work out the details with exchange rate and shipping and all that jazz! Deal??

The winner will be selected by random drawing on MY BIRTHDAY, which just so happens to be Tuesday September 7th!

So what are you waiting for?? Get your bad selves to Sassy Toppers and start picking out what you are going to buy with your $20 credit!