Monday, August 2, 2010

Fatty McFatterson

So you guys know how Oprah says God gives you a pebble before He smacks you upside the head with a brick? Well last week I sat down at my desk, and the button popped off my pants with such velocity it could have seriously injured an innocent bystander. Like a gunshot people, I am not joking here.

What. The. Hell?

I have been at the awesome new job for 8 weeks and have gained an astonishing 10 pounds. 10 pounds. TEN FREAKING POUNDS. This is a disgrace.

After losing all that weight three years ago, and I have so proudly kept it off. I mean, yeah I have fluctuated 5 pounds or so, but not 10. TEN!! Oh the humanity! Or humility? Whatever. I am FAT.

This has to stop. Like right now. And I don't even know what has caused this upward spiral. It could be Warm Cookie Wednesday. I know right? My new employer rocks. It could be the vanilla cream in all the coffee I am drinking. It could be that I am used to being on my feet all day and now I am sitting on my fat ass at a desk all day. But seriously, I have not changed my eating habits hardly at all. Other than Warm Cookie Wednesday, that is.

I don't know what to do. I need to get back in the game. I am way too cute to be this fat. How embarrassing. I am just a few pounds shy of becoming some horrific fat chick choking to death on a chicken bone cliche.

I need to do Weight Watchers again. And I hate it! Because you know what that means? Drinking a bunch of water all day. Blech! And attending meetings with a bunch of other fat people complaining about how hungry we are. Gah! And weigh ins! Oy vay!!

But I don't want to die of heart attack. I don't want to get diabetes. I don't want high blood pressure. And I want to wear a pair of leather pants before I die! Leather pants, people!!

And seriously, like I need another freaking appointment on my schedule. Good Lord! And I can't do it this week because we are having Uberman's "Beerday" party on Saturday. Who wants to be on a diet when Diane is bringing her famous Margaritas? No. Thank. You.

But no more excuses! Next week is it! I'm going! Kicking and screaming! But at least I'm burning calories with all the fuss....


Trisha said...

Oooh - I feel your pain! I know you won't have too long to go before you are back to your svelte self!

Stacey said...

Oh dude. Me, too. And I don't know where it's come from! It's like I sit next to a fatty and it seeps into me by osmosis. Only I've gained 12. Twelve. One-Two. 12. And 12 pounds ago I wanted to lose 25. So, add 12 to that. Sigh. Do you guys have an LA Weightloss there? I did that and it was SO easy. No meetings or crap like that. No appointments. You just popped in for a quick weigh in and five minutes later you were on your way. I got down to a 6. Yes ma'am. A 6. And then I had Abbey. And then I wanted to lose 25. And now add 12. I'm thinking of re-joining.

DevilsHeaven said...

Ha! I can't tell you how many buttons I have lost. But it has never spurred me to lose weight. Maybe I need to rethink that.

Anonymous said...

"I'm too cute to be this fat".

THIS. This is what I think about myself. I'm so darn pretty when I'm thin, and I always screw it up with cookies.

Maybe get rid of the vanilla cream though?!

Heather said...

Good luck!
You can do it!

Chris H said...

I went to WW's for 19 months, lost 61 kilos and didn't drink ANY WATER AT ALL. It can be done. Just sayin...

WILLIAM said...

You don't need WW. Just be aware of what you eat and excercise. I say aware meaning count your calories. If you 2500, at least you know you ate 2500.

The Maid said...

I say let's go for 350...when we get there we can get disability pay and a Tom Kruse hoverround scooter.

And you know what? Everyone will notice your face and your cute shoes when you are on a one will even look at your buttonless pants.

Don't ask me how I know this. And puhleeze don't ask me how many pounds I have gained in the last 8 children.

I feel you, dawg. (See, and Randy had the surgery and he is still ugly. At least you are cute!)

I am here for you...but if you get too thin, I will hire your poltergeist to work at Sonic and instead of a splash of vanilla...a little weight gain powder.

Yep, I refuse to be the last chub chub at bunco.

:) Good luck, though, really.

The Morbidly O Maid.

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious. Seriously.

Lauren Ashby said...

Oh April you're just happy! Aint no shame in that game! No more malibu Barbie stressin you out!