Monday, July 26, 2010

You only moved the headstones!

Oh wow, you guys. Strange things are afoot at the Uber house. No joke. There is some freaky deaky shizz going on here.

I am 98% sure we have a poltergeist.

True. Story.

So it all started last year when one of my Fiesta plates went missing. And I was pissed because it was the Peacock one and it was one of my faves. I still had the bowl and mug and the salad plate, but no dinner plate. I know, what the eff, right? So I start interrogating Uberman and the kids. Who broke my plate?? No one would fess up. Even Junior, who always caves when I give him the doubtful squinty eye look and tell him Baby Jesus doesn't like it when we lie.

Not one person in this house had any idea what happened to my beautiful Peacock Fiesta plate.

And then last fall, Ubes bought a new budgeting software at Costco. We brought it home, took it up to the office, and never saw it again. Now to be honest, the office is the black hole in this house. It's a giant boil on my ass. But I don't normally lose non-paper related items, you know? But it's been almost a year and we have not seen that software since we brought it home.

Then, for Christmas, my sister in law She She gave me this super fabulous silver sequined bangle bracelet that I was so in love with. And it's gone. Can't find it anywhere. I think I wore it three times. I'm sad.

I have a large mirror hanging above a table in my entryway. It's a pretty bad ass set up. There's a tall skinny lamp on the table and big silver bowl to throw our keys in. Vern Yip would be proud. A few months ago I came home from work to find the mirror on the floor behind the table. It just fell off the wall. The WIRE CABLES holding it to the dry wall anchors just snapped. The mirror didn't break, but the frame is a little jacked up. But how weird is that? That mirror has been hanging there for three years with no issue.

And then, last week, Ubes sent me a text message when I was on my way to work asking if I had changed out his toothbrush head. What? I couldn't stop laughing. What a weird random question. But he had a brand new head on his toothbrush and he didn't change it and neither did I.

So obviously this is a ghost of a former dentist, right? A former dentist who is eating off my peacock plate, keeping track of his budget and wearing my sequined bracelet. Hey, I am not judging. I am totally GLBT friendly.

But apparently our dentist poltergeist is also into lawn maintenance. Because this morning, our back yard sprinklers started working. After one year of inexplicably not working. After Ubes and I spent two weekends renting a rototiller to rip the dead stuff out to prepare the ground for new sod. Where were you a year ago, magical landscaping poltergeist? You could have saved us some sore shoulders, a ruined pedicure and $125 on the rototiller. Your shenanigans are becoming a little inconvenient. I totally would not mind if you mopped floors and unloaded the dishwasher once in a while.

All of these things could be coincidence, I know that's what you are all thinking. But guess what we just found out? Our neighborhood was supposedly built on Indian burial ground. Gasp!

And! AND!! On Saturday, we found a scorpion and a centipede inside the house within four hours of each other. If that's not a sign of evil, I don't know what is.

And I am pretty sure it is messing with my scale to make it look like I am seven pounds heavier than I was two months ago. Dun duh dunnnnnn!!

Dudes. I am shaking in my crystal studded flip flops. One more thing and it's run to the light Carol Ann. Do priests do exorcisms if you aren't Catholic? Anyone know?

Or maybe I need a Shaman since it's Indian burial ground? Anyone know one? Are they expensive? Because I can't afford a whole lot, now that my water bill is going up. Stupid sprinklers.

Maybe I can get a hold of Craig T. Nelson. He'll know what to do.


chandy said...

Your blog has been kind of streamlined, huh? It's a bit less decorative. I could probably read it at work and no one would even know I was on the internets!

And after reading your whole weird and freaky story (was it just the toothbrush head that had been replaced? it had the old handle? crazy!) I find myself pretty jealous that you have peacock fiestaware. sigh.

Moderate Means said...

I was originally going to make a witty comment about the house ghost but then remembered the Paranormal State marathon we've been having (31 episodes in 2 far) and I decided to rethink my first rash decision. After all, I don't want your ghost to realize I'm laughing at him and then send a buddy to MY house. I have enough problems. And I have no exciting dinner ware so he'd have to start somewhere else. I'm already on bread machine #5, so maybe he could start with it? It's lasted longer than 2 months so clearly it's ready to go. And maybe he could get my kids to actually brush their teeth without whining? Hmmm.... Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. No. Wait. It would. *thinks about Paranormal State* No, definitely not interested.

Although, growing up, my brother and I believed we had a house ghost. His name was Tex. Maybe if you name yours something really cool he'll give you your Peacock back?

Old Lady said...

Now that IS creepy.

Buy some sage. Fire it up. Walk around the house saying firmly, "This is MY home, you are not welcome here. It's time to move on. Lord Jesus, bless our home and keep us safe. " Don't forget to be firm. If they sense weakness, they won't listen.

P.S. I'am not a certified house-blesser. I just play one on t.v. .

P.S.S. No not really. That's just what they tell the people to do on all the supernatural shows I watch.

P.S.S.S. Love your writing. You are a HOOT!


Trisha said...

Hmmmmmm. . . . sounds like some serious mystery in your house. Maybe it is the Canadians living in the basement!

When I was younger, a friend of mine wouldn't stay in her house alone because she was absolutely convinced that there were Canadians in her basement just waiting to come out and kill her.

Canadians???? Really????

WILLIAM said...

I bet it is Tiger. He has the bracelet and the Peacock dish and the Kitty Carryall in the dog house.

Kristi said...

1. The blog looks great.
2. The poltergeist doesn't like your mirror.
3. The poltergeist wants Uberman to do a better job brushing.
4. The poltergeist cares about your lawn.
5. The poltergeist has good taste in jewelry and home decor.

BRILLIANT DEDUCTION: Your poltergeist is the ghost of Paul Lind! Start asking Match Game questions!

The Maid said...

LOL @ William! Oh man...memories of the Brady Bunch. Good times.


April, I think I now know what happened to my missing black pants. I once wore them to your house for a party...then...they vanished. That is a lot of fabric to just VANISH like that. Seriously...tell your dentigheist that I want my Daisy Fuentes black capris back.

The semi-retired Maid