Monday, July 26, 2010

You only moved the headstones!

Oh wow, you guys. Strange things are afoot at the Uber house. No joke. There is some freaky deaky shizz going on here.

I am 98% sure we have a poltergeist.

True. Story.

So it all started last year when one of my Fiesta plates went missing. And I was pissed because it was the Peacock one and it was one of my faves. I still had the bowl and mug and the salad plate, but no dinner plate. I know, what the eff, right? So I start interrogating Uberman and the kids. Who broke my plate?? No one would fess up. Even Junior, who always caves when I give him the doubtful squinty eye look and tell him Baby Jesus doesn't like it when we lie.

Not one person in this house had any idea what happened to my beautiful Peacock Fiesta plate.

And then last fall, Ubes bought a new budgeting software at Costco. We brought it home, took it up to the office, and never saw it again. Now to be honest, the office is the black hole in this house. It's a giant boil on my ass. But I don't normally lose non-paper related items, you know? But it's been almost a year and we have not seen that software since we brought it home.

Then, for Christmas, my sister in law She She gave me this super fabulous silver sequined bangle bracelet that I was so in love with. And it's gone. Can't find it anywhere. I think I wore it three times. I'm sad.

I have a large mirror hanging above a table in my entryway. It's a pretty bad ass set up. There's a tall skinny lamp on the table and big silver bowl to throw our keys in. Vern Yip would be proud. A few months ago I came home from work to find the mirror on the floor behind the table. It just fell off the wall. The WIRE CABLES holding it to the dry wall anchors just snapped. The mirror didn't break, but the frame is a little jacked up. But how weird is that? That mirror has been hanging there for three years with no issue.

And then, last week, Ubes sent me a text message when I was on my way to work asking if I had changed out his toothbrush head. What? I couldn't stop laughing. What a weird random question. But he had a brand new head on his toothbrush and he didn't change it and neither did I.

So obviously this is a ghost of a former dentist, right? A former dentist who is eating off my peacock plate, keeping track of his budget and wearing my sequined bracelet. Hey, I am not judging. I am totally GLBT friendly.

But apparently our dentist poltergeist is also into lawn maintenance. Because this morning, our back yard sprinklers started working. After one year of inexplicably not working. After Ubes and I spent two weekends renting a rototiller to rip the dead stuff out to prepare the ground for new sod. Where were you a year ago, magical landscaping poltergeist? You could have saved us some sore shoulders, a ruined pedicure and $125 on the rototiller. Your shenanigans are becoming a little inconvenient. I totally would not mind if you mopped floors and unloaded the dishwasher once in a while.

All of these things could be coincidence, I know that's what you are all thinking. But guess what we just found out? Our neighborhood was supposedly built on Indian burial ground. Gasp!

And! AND!! On Saturday, we found a scorpion and a centipede inside the house within four hours of each other. If that's not a sign of evil, I don't know what is.

And I am pretty sure it is messing with my scale to make it look like I am seven pounds heavier than I was two months ago. Dun duh dunnnnnn!!

Dudes. I am shaking in my crystal studded flip flops. One more thing and it's run to the light Carol Ann. Do priests do exorcisms if you aren't Catholic? Anyone know?

Or maybe I need a Shaman since it's Indian burial ground? Anyone know one? Are they expensive? Because I can't afford a whole lot, now that my water bill is going up. Stupid sprinklers.

Maybe I can get a hold of Craig T. Nelson. He'll know what to do.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


So a couple of days turned into a week, which turned into another couple of days and then another week. I took an unplanned vacay from blogging. Sue me. But in other news, my bedroom is clean and for the first time in 3 years there is not one unfolded piece of laundry anywhere in this house. You would be amazed what you can accomplish when you walk away from your computer. I will be back on Monday, I promise. But until then, here are some questions I have been pondering. Maybe you are too?

. . . Why can't my children go at least one entire day without feeling the need to harass and antagonize each other?

. . . Why does everyone at Circle K at 6:00 in the morning look like a crack head? OHMYGOD. Do I look like a crack head at 6:00 in the morning???

. . . Why do they even make the white crayon?

. . . When did it become okay for guys to wear black socks with shorts and why wasn't I consulted on this decision?

. . . Why does every song in the top 200 on iTunes suck right now? (Except Mike Posner's Cooler Than Me, I am so addicted to that song I want to snort it or main line it or marry it or something.)

. . . Why are donuts so delicious? And why do I crave them when I am trying to watch what I eat because I can actually hear myself getting fatter every day?

. . . Why is it that just when you think you are going to have a surplus of money one month, you inevitably have an emergency that requires large amounts of money? And why are stupid things like tires so expensive? It's not like you can show them off. "Hey everyone, look at my new tires!"

. . . Why am I still typing this when I should be getting ready for work?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bucket List

One of the things I love most about my new job is that I have had the opportunity to meet some pretty inspiring people.

Our new department leader recently took the time to meet with me and the other newbies to talk about career paths and such. He told us this story about how, after he graduated business school, the company he worked for sent him to a leadership training class. During that class, he was asked to write a Bucket List. He was told to come up with at least 20 items on the list. He came up with over a hundred. When he brought his list in to share with the class facilitator, he was asked why he wasn't doing some of those things right now. Two months later, he quit the job and went on a journey to cross off some of the items on his list. He and his new wife traveled all over Europe and Africa for the next two years.

I sat there in awe listening to his story. He had attended that class to help him with his career, and instead it changed his life. It gave him the courage to take life by the balls and live it to its fullest. When I left that meeting, I felt so pumped up. I wanted to go build schools in Rwanda. I wanted to bust out the Shop Vac and head on down to Louisiana to clean up the oil spill. Or build a center for kids who can't read good.

But some of those things are not possible right now. So instead I decided to start a Bucket List of my own. I came up with 100 things. Here they are:

  1. Take up running
  2. Run the Disneyland Half Marathon
  3. Run the Disney World Marathon
  4. Hike the Grand Canyon
  5. Cook Thanksgiving Dinner
  6. Visit the Great Wall of China
  7. See the Taj Mahal
  8. Take a Cross Country Road Trip
  9. Drive the length of the Pacific Coast Highway
  10. Go Parasailing
  11. Make a quilt
  12. Own a pair of Christian Louboutins* (click on the link at your own risk, it's basically a whole bunch of shoe porn)
  13. Get something published*
  14. Stay at the Paradise Island Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas
  15. See Victoria Falls
  16. Go on African Safari
  17. See the sunrise at Machu Picchu
  18. Enjoy a hot chocolate in Spain
  19. Have a Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity 3
  20. See a play on Broadway
  21. Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge
  22. Learn to surf
  23. Ride a gondola in Venice
  24. See penguins in Antarctica
  25. Shop the Portobello Road
  26. Go to Scotland to find the Loch Ness Monster
  27. Take the Beatles tour in Liverpool
  28. Have lunch somewhere in Provence
  29. Stay at a villa in Tuscany
  30. Go to Lake Como Italy
  31. Go sailing
  32. Take the kids to Washington, DC
  33. Learn to ride a motorcycle
  34. Buy fudge on Mackinac Island
  35. Walk across Golden Gate Bridge
  36. Go to Martha's Vineyard
  37. Drink a Guinness in Ireland
  38. Take my daughter to the Ballet in New York
  39. See a kangaroo in Australia
  40. See the Pyramids in Egypt
  41. Go on an Alaskan Cruise
  42. Buy my Dad a car
  43. Take my Mom to Italy
  44. Go to the Great American Beer Festival with my husband
  45. See a game in every baseball stadium (so far I have been to Chase Field in Phoenix, Turner Field in Atlanta, Anaheim Stadium, Yankee Stadium (original), Comiskey Park, Wrigley Field)
  46. See the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam
  47. See Auschwitz
  48. Walk across the Charles Bridge in Prague
  49. Go to Greece
  50. See the statue of David in Florence
  51. Climb to the top of the dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral
  52. See da Vinci's Last Supper
  53. Walk in the Forum in Rome
  54. See the Leaning Tower of Pisa
  55. Play in the snow in Switzerland
  56. Go somewhere wearing Leather Pants**
  57. Learn to Knit
  58. Get my degree
  59. Live in London for a year
  60. Live in NYC for a year
  61. See the Statue of Liberty
  62. Go to Boston
  63. Eat at Dogfish Head Brewing & Eats and Dogfish Head Alehouse
  64. Take a cooking class
  65. Take a cake decorating class
  66. See London at Christmas
  67. See Rockefellar Center at Christmas
  68. Walk the red carpet*
  69. Pet a lion
  70. Plant a vegetable and spice garden
  71. Take a photography class
  72. Be an extra in a movie
  73. Go to the Pergamon Museum in Berlin
  74. Eat Belgian Frites in Brussels
  75. See the Temple of Apollo at the Gardens of Stourhead
  76. See Angkor Wat in Cambodia
  77. Go to Hong Kong
  78. Learn to play tennis
  79. Go to Brighton, England
  80. Play Roulette or Craps in Vegas
  81. See the Berlin Wall
  82. Kiss the Blarney Stone
  83. Inspire someone
  84. Refinish a piece of furniture
  85. Own a 1956 Porsche Speedster*
  86. Touch a dolphin or whale
  87. Get laser hair removal
  88. Spend the night in a castle
  89. Ride on a zipline through the jungle/forest
  90. Eat a deep fried Mars bar in Scotland
  91. Spend a few days at Disneyland Paris
  92. Take a night train from one European country to another
  93. Take up Bicycling
  94. Learn to speak another language (or two)
  95. Figure out how to follow a pattern and make an entire outfit
  96. Learn to SCUBA dive
  97. Take a horse drawn carriage ride in Central Park
  98. Drink a Bellini at Harry’s Bar in Venice
  99. Drive a race car
  100. Get more than 100 followers on Twitter
So there it is. One hundred things I would like to do before I die. I am sure as I cross things off I will add more. And I realize some of these things may not appeal to you, but that's why you should do your own. And let me know if you do, I would love to read them.

*I realize money/status may prevent me from achieving this goal. I accept the challenge.
**I realize my age/weight may prevent me from achieving this goal. I acknowledge I am running out of time, as a 40+ year old woman who is not a rock star has no business wearing leather pants. However, with 14 months until my 40th birthday, I accept the challenge.

Monday, July 5, 2010

An Interview: My Junior

This week I have chosen my incredible 12 going on 40 year old son to interview. He was very gracious and kind and only slightly irritated I interrupted his playing schedule, he just got the new Blur game over the weekend and we have barely seen him. (The other two have been up north at my Mom and Dad's, so it's been a pretty quiet weekend for me and Ubes.)

Just to let you know some back ground info on my oldest child. He is amazing. He is kind, sweet and smart. Last night he was out in the driveway helping Ubes do something to one of our cars and he and I had the following conversation:

"Mom, you have bird feathers in your radiator," he said. "Did you hit a bird?"

"I don't know," I shrugged my shoulders. "How do you know I have feathers in my radiator?"

"Come here," he said, motioning me towards the front of my Yukon. He shined a flashlight into the grill and pointed. "See the feathers?"

"Oh," I said. "Wow. I guess I hit a bird."

"Yes," he laughed. "I guess you did."

"How do you know that's the radiator?" I asked in awe.

He blinked at me for a minute. "Because it's in the front of your car. That's where it goes."

"Oh," I said. "But what is it?"

"It's the big thing that keeps your engine cool," he said with a smile.

"Oh. How do you know that?" I asked him. "You're 12."

"I don't know," he said. "Because Dad tells me stuff and I listen. And I read about cars. And I'm a guy."

"Wow, Junior," I said. "I don't know anything about cars and radiators and stuff."

"That's okay Mom," he said as he put his arm around me. "I don't know what decoupage is. We're even."

He's amazing. You're going to love him.

Me: Junior!

Jr: What?

Me: Come here please. I am in the office.

Jr: You said that like I did something wrong. What did I do wrong?

Me: You didn’t do anything wrong. Why do you keep asking me that?

Jr: Because that’s basically how it goes.

Me: Want to be interviewed for my blog?

Jr: Okay.

Me: Okay sit down.

Jr: Where? In dad’s chair?

Me: Yes.


Me: So what’s it like being the son of such an awesome person?

Jr: Awesome.

Me: That’s exactly what your dad said when I asked what is it like being married to someone so awesome. You can’t come up with a better answer?

Jr: No not really. How long is this going to take?

Me: Not long. Why, you got a hot date?

Jr: No.

Me: What’s it like being the oldest of three kids?

Jr: Very, very hard. And I don’t like it either.

Me: Why?

Jr: Because my siblings put so much stress on me. Plus they think they are better than me.

Me: How do they put stress on you?

Jr: Because I’m always worried about them. I have to take care of them.

Me: You don’t have to. We do. How do they think they are better than you?

Jr: They challenge me at lots of things. Especially when we are playing the Wii. They team up and try to cheat and make me lose.

Me: Do you think they are intimidated because you are older?

Jr: Yes. That and I am so awesome.

Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up?

Jr: I’m still deciding on that. That’s a difficult decision. I’m still thinking about being a pro golfer. Or I’d like to work as an engineer or designer for a car company. I’d really like to work for BMW or Ferrari.

Me: You realize you will have to go work in a different country if you work for either of those companies?

Jr: Yes.

Me: Will you always come home for Christmas?

Jr: Yes.

Me: And my birthday?

Jr: Yes.

Me: Will you buy me nice presents?

Jr: Yes. If I’m rich.

Me: Like what?

Jr: I might bring you a car.

Me: You know I’ve always wanted a car with a big red ribbon on it in the driveway. Would you do that? Put the ribbon on it?

Jr: Of course.

Me: Have you ever kissed a girl?

Jr: Mom. Really?

Me: Yes. Just answer the question.

Jr: No. You’re ridiculous.

Me: Do you want to kiss a girl?

Jr: Uummmm... No? Not really?

Me: See the way you phrased your answer makes me think you are lying because you think that’s what I want you to say.

Jr: Is it?

Me: I don’t know. Are you lying?

Jr: Maybe.

Me: Are you going to drink beer when you grow up?

Jr: I don’t know. I might. Wow. You type really fast.

Me: Don’t change the subject. You are planning to drink beer?

Jr: Probably. Yes. But responsibly.

Me: What about smoke cigarettes?

Jr: No! Put that answer in all caps. And underline it if you can.

Me: What happens to you if you smoke?

Jr: You die.

Me: What kills you?

Jr: Cancer. Or you will kill me when you find out.

Me: If you were smoking I would be the one who would die. Of a broken heart.

Jr: Really? That’s sad.

Me: Well keep that in mind if you ever light up. Tell me how you like to spend your time.

Jr: I like to play video games and mess around on the computer.

Me: What does that mean, mess around?

Jr: Like play games. Do research about cars and stuff. That’s pretty much it.
Me: You’re about to start 7th grade. How do you feel?

Jr: Nervous.

Me: Why?

Jr: Because it’s going to be a lot harder. A lot more difficult and more confusing.

Me: But you’re a smart kid. You get straight A’s. What do you have to worry about?

Jr: I don’t know. I’ve never been in 7th grade before. It’s going to be different.

Me: Do you think you’ll get a girlfriend this year?

Jr: I don’t know. I’m keeping my options open. How many questions are there?

Me: There’s no set number. Do you think I’m cool?

Jr: Yes.

Me: Why?

Jr: Because you’re my mom. And I’m cool. So that makes you cool.

Me: So I’m cool by default?

Jr: It’s not a bad thing. You have to take what you can get.

Me: What about Dad? Is he cool?

Jr: Yes, no doubt.

Me: What makes him cool?

Jr: Same as you. Plus he lets us do more stuff than you do.

Me: It’s because I love you more than he does. I want to protect you.

Jr: Yeah, I don’t think that’s really why. But if it helps you deal with it, that’s fine.

Me: You realize I am going to change your answers to make me look better, right?

Jr: And this will be the last time you interview me without my publicist present.

Me: How did you get to be so smart?

Jr: I don’t know. Just lucky in the gene pool.

Me: Well you got that from me. That came from my end of the gene pool.

Jr: Okay Mom. Are we done? Can I go play my game again?

And there you have it. The kid is freaking awesome. And handsome as can be with his big blue eyes, curly hair and dimples. Am I lucky or what?

Friday, July 2, 2010

I'm a moron. Nice to meet you.

It's 6:11 AM on Friday morning and I have to leave for work in approximately 9 minutes. I have been getting up between 4:30 and 5:15 (depending on whether or not I have to drop the kids off at MIL's) every morning for a month. And I am pretty sure it is starting to have negative effects on my brain.

Here's why.

I have auto start on my car, so I usually start the car from my entryway every morning as I am getting my shtuff together. You know how some of you have to warm up your cars in the winter? Well we have to cool ours off in the summer. Anyhoosies, yesterday morning, I got in my car, that was already running, set my purse on the passenger seat, stuck my phone in the cup holder, put my seat belt on, figured out how high or low I needed the air conditioning, and then reached for the gear shift to throw the bad boy in reverse.

Only it wouldn't budge. I stared at the dashboard. What the hell is wrong with my car? I tried again, yanking on the gear shift trying to pull it down into reverse. Nothing. I sat for a minute in a panic. Great. Just great. Something is wrong with the car! Like I need this right now! I reached back up to turn the car off so I could go wake up Ubes and tell him my car was a piece of shit and he would have to take me to work.

And it was then that I realized I had never put the key in it. Nice.

Then I spent a couple of minutes trying to plug my phone into my iPod cable. Guess what? I didn't work.

I was like Oh My God!! Am I having a stroke?? What is wrong with me??

I chalked it up to exhaustion and went about my day. Last night Ubes and I went out to dinner, just the two of us. I told him about my two brief moments of stupidity in the car and he just shook his head at me while he laughed his ass off. I excused myself to the restroom as he payed the bill.

And then in the restroom I stood at the sink holding my soapy hands under the faucet waiting for the water to come on. The water wasn't coming on. I removed my hands and put them back hoping to trigger the sensor. Nothing. So like an idiot I started waving my hands back and forth in front of the faucet to get the stupid sensor to see me. Still nothing. So I moved to a different sink. Same thing, no water. What the hell? The water isn't working in this bathroom??

And then I realized I had to pull the lever on top of the faucet and actually turn the water on myself. Yeah, I know! Manual faucets. Who would have thunk of such a thing?

So yeah. Getting up early is making me stupid.