Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Rough Drafts

Dear Bulimic Banker Bitch Barbie,

You suck and I hate you. Kiss my fat, happy, cottage cheese dimpled ass. I quit.

In Christ,

Hmmmm. Probably not the best way to go....

Dear Barbie,

Suck it. I'm outta here. Good luck finding another person who will put up with your array of bullshit and craziness.

Oh and remember when you thought the cleaning people stole your nasty cotton candy scented body spray? Well guess what? I threw it in the trash. Trust me, I did you a favor. You smelled like a cheap, strung out stripper. You're welcome.

Best of luck in your future endeavors,

Still too bitter? Yeah??


Dear Barbie,

I am happy to announce I have accepted a position with another company. A bigger company. An internationally known corporation that everyone has heard of. My future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

And a word of advice, if you were nicer to your employees they would be nicer to you. You're kind of a bitch. Just in case you didn't know.

Please consider this my two week notice.

Thank you and I look forward to seeing you in hell,

What do you think? Too much??


Dear Barbie,

I am resigning from my position at your branch effective June 4, 2010.

I have no idea what happened to you in your past to make you the way you are, but I think you should know that I feel sorry for you. You are without a doubt the most insecure person I have ever met. Which I don't understand, at all. You can be very pretty. And I hear the way you talk about your children so I know you have compassion and the ability to love buried somewhere deep within your black heart. However, your need for constant attention overshadows any good that may be hiding below the surface.

I have never met anyone more ignorant, more offensive or more unproductive as you. You have no business being a manager when you can't manage ANYTHING. I want so badly to dislike you, but instead I pity you.

For the past twenty months you have done nothing but belittle me. And yet still, I have allowed myself to learn from you. I have learned how NOT to treat people. I have learned that jealousy is an ugly and unflattering feeling. I have learned that looks aren't everything. I have learned that no matter how much make up and glitter and artificial cotton candy scent you throw on a turd, it's still smells like a turd, it still looks like a turd. It is still a turd. And people aren't stupid. They know a turd when they see one.

When I commented to you that I had been with this company for 18 months and I had seen no movement within, nobody moving forward, only people moving out, you shrugged your shoulders and said "That's the way it is in this industry. There is a high turnover."
I was shocked that this is acceptable to you. So I offer you some advice. Treat your employees like partners instead of competitors, and that turnover will diminish. Be good to the people that work with you, and they will be good to you. You will be a better person if you allow yourself to learn from those around you. Stop being a turd.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to find appreciation for the little things.


June 4th can not come soon enough. YAY ME!!


Anonymous said...

lmao fricken hilarious! you rock. and congrats on the new job!

chandy said...

congrats on your new job! That is such awesome news!!

Send me a fb message...I'm curious to hear where you are headed.

Kristi said...

Congrats on getting out of that toxic hellhole! 'In Christ' - nice touch April, nice touch. :)

Lauren said...

Did you send her that last one? I hope you did! yay you!!!!

Book Girl said...

Yeah!!! Can't wait to see you everyday!!!!

Heather said...

Personally I like #2.
I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!

DevilsHeaven said...

A manager who wears cotton candy scented body spray. If that DOESN'T say it ALL, I don't know what does.
Congrats on the new biggied big corp job!!!!!
Go you!!

Anonymous said...

A little bit of bitterness every now and again is healthy. Especially if it's directed towards someone really bitchy.

Karen R said...

Congratulations on your new job. Glad you got rid of the current one.

"Intentionally Katie" said...

I like a combo of #3 and #4. On pretty stationary. With a spritz of cotton candy body spray on the envelope.

kristen s said...

April -- Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be? I could fly higher than a mountain -- because you, my cool friend, are the wind beneath my wings :)

Like Heather, I am partial to #2 -- and that's LETTER #2 (not, you know, #2 like the turd.) Although, I have to say that a turd might just smell better than cotton candy body spray. But that's not important right now. What IS important is that you are the bomb dot com! WOO HOO!

(And I expect an email verrrry soon with the deets of the new gig. Ya dig?)

Stacey said...

I vote for number one. Especially the "In Christ" part. Perfection.

Yay for you!!! PS - Remember the word, discount....

Andrea said...

You already got my thoughts on the letter :) ...These all work too, but I still think you should have used your old favorite word...

Either way, you are moving on to a place where people will not only see your awesomeness, but embrace and encourage it. And I am sooo happy for you and for them for hiring such awesomeness!

Just know, you will always be cotton candy....yummy, delicious, adored by everyone....and psycho bitch barbie, will ALWAYS be an insecure, miserable, piece of crap trying to be cotton candy. She is NEVER going to be cotton candy!

Love you!

Jennifer M. said...

Lol. That's great. Gives me some ideas for if/when I quit my job. (Now if only I could find a suitable replacement job).