Tuesday, April 20, 2010

A Letter to Steve Nash

(photo courtesy of english.people.com.cn)


Dear Steve Nash,

My mom was not very happy with me after my recent post about things that gave me the skeevies. She was afraid that I might have hurt your feelings. Of course I promptly told her you had far better things to do than read this here little nothing of blog. I mean Jeez, I am surprised she is even reading it, you know? But I guess it is possible you could be a giant egomaniac and spend your free time on the Google trying to find out what insignificant people are saying about you. But whatever, I am not judging.

So because my mom did not raise me to be cruel and vicious (but my 101 things, item number 33, specifically says I can be mean spirited. I mean hello! Read the disclosures) and also because even though I am a grown ass *cough* 38 *cough* year old woman, I am still completely terrified of my mother (and trust me, you would be too), I am here right now to offer you my humble and most sincere apology if I really did hurt your feelings. I realize you have no control over the fact that your eyes are too far apart. I mean it's not your fault your mother probably drank a lot while she was pregnant. But I guess the joke is on me because if I ever try to sneak up behind you, you will obviously see me coming without even turning around.

However Steve, I would like to offer you a tiny little piece of advice, if I may be so bold.
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Cut your freaking hair. PLEASE.
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That look may be all the rage back in Canada, but here it just makes you look lazy, unmotivated and . . . well . . . Canadian. Plus all the sweat flipping off of you as you run up and down the court, well that's just unsanitary. This is America dude. We sue people for stuff like flop sweat. I am trying to do you a favor here. Save you some legal trouble. You are welcome.
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I hope this little bit of fun we just had does not interfere with you asking me to be your Facebook friend. I will kick your ass in a game of Lexulous, I promise you.

Sincerely,

April, Queen of everything except basketball. And other sports type event thingies.

Note to readers who are not Steve Nash: Relax. I was only kidding. Mr. Nash isn't even a real Canadian, he is originally from South Africa. And I have no proof his mother drank while she was pregnant. Mr. Nash is totally welcome to make jokes about the size of my ears, which are often confused with satellite dishes. Also, I meant no offense to real Canadians. I love all Canadians. Well, most. Especially Michael Buble, Ryan Reynolds, Michael J. Fox and that guy from Holmes on Homes. So take off, eh?

Note to readers who gave birth to me: Are you happy now? Can I have my cell phone back please?

9 comments:

DevilsHeaven said...

Dude. He IS CREEPY. Yikes.

Trisha said...

I totally agree! The hair MUST be cut. It is just WRONG! And then it gets all sweaty and stringy when he plays. YUCK!

Jessie said...

I agree about the hair. BUT, and this is a huge but, if it just so happens that his hair is also his lucky item (like socks) and the Suns keep winning, then I say I can deal with watching sweat flop off his hair.

I would rather the Suns win then be sanitary.

Karen R said...

I love Steve Nash. You should be so happy that you live in a city that has him as the superstar on your team instead of the egomaniac Japan-beef jackanape that I have to listen about.

Sue said...

I am so going to try to track him down and give him the link to your blog...

...because sometimes I'm mean spirited like that too...and basically I am just mad that you are only 38. You are way too cool to be that young.

Andrea said...

I know you hate this term, but I LMFAO when I read this post! You are hilarious!

香君 said...

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kristen s said...

Is it just me, or do you think they used him as the model for this horrible movie?: http://cdn1.ioffer.com/img/item/314/281/11/o_antz.JPG

(if the link doesn't work, just use Google Images to look up 'Antz', and take a gander at the very first one)

I think the lesson learned here is that he'd look just as creepy with no hair at all....

Oh and I also enjoy all of the Canadians you mentioned, so take off, you hoser :)

Trisha said...

Once more, I agree that the hair should go. It is just too long and gets too sweaty and stringy looking. Sorry, Steve!