Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Yesterday, my customer Cutie Dry Cleaner (CDC), told me a story about one of his customers. This woman called him from her car, while sitting in front of his store, and asked if he could please bring her clothes out to her. She wouldn't get out of her car because there was a balloon on the ground in front of the bike shop next door.

A balloon. She was deathly afraid of balloons.

Apparenty this is a real fear called globophobia. Unless you are only afraid of the balloon popping, and then it's called ligyrophobia. Oh yeah baby, CDC said "woman afraid of a balloon" and I went straight to The Google. After I stopped laughing uncontrollably, of course. I mean come on! A balloon? I would totally get it if there was a clown standing there holding the balloon, that would freak me the flip out, too and I wouldn't get out of my car either. But a balloon just laying on the ground? That is FUNNY!

But then I thought who the hell am I to laugh at this woman. I have some fears. There's the usual fear of flying. And snakes and pretty much all reptiles/amphibians and anything that jumps. Oooh it gives me the willies just thinking about them. Not a huge fan of small, confined spaces like packed elevators and those nasty play areas in fast food restaurants (I still haven't forgiven Junior for the time I had to climb up and retrieve him because he was to afraid to go down the slide. I realize he was two but I was like 7 months pregnant with Mac and that was just inconsiderate of him, you know?).

But I also have other fears that are probably silly and unreasonable to the average person.

Like my fear of Jello. Oh. My. Gawd. Jello freaks me out. I can't stand the sight of it. I mean what is it? It's not a liquid, yet not quite a solid. It's just so wrong. Anything that defies the laws of physics is just not normal. I can't be in the same room with someone eating it. Oh sure, I will make amazing Jello shots for parties (you are welcome, Flint), but I am not happy about it. I don't want to touch it, see it, hear it, smell it, and there is no way in HAY-ELL I am tasting it. Blech!

And I really hate those cans of pressurized biscuits. The anticipation of peeling the label and the stupid thing popping open in your hand. No thank you. Oh, I just got the chills.

And what about Ubes' obesession with putting gas in the car while the car is still running?? I try to make up an excuse to get out of the car like "I could really go for a refreshing carbonated beverage." or "I have to pee (even though I really don't like the idea of gas station bathrooms)." I just know one day he is going to blow us up.

And I know for a fact as soon as I see a scary demon/devil/evil movie like The Exorcist or Paranormal Activity I will immediately become possessed and start vomitting pea soup all over everyone. It could totally happen. And I know because I have heard all about it in Sunday school.

And I won't consume milk from anywhere but my own home because I know I can check the expiration date. And I am telling you people, at midnight on the day that milk expires, it is BAD. It has an internal sensor that sours it at the exact moment the clock strikes 12:00. True story.

And if I can't open a freestanding US Mail Box to make sure my letter (Netflix) is not trapped between the swinging door and the upper part of the inside of the mailbox?? Well, I feel anxiety for days.

And Steve Nash. I don't know what it is about this guy. His extra wide set eyes? His nasty, sweaty hair flopping back and forth while he runs up and down the court? It doesn't matter. I see him on TV, a magazine or even unluckily once at Scottsdale Fashion Square, and I know I will have nightmares. Holy Haysoooos. Something about this guy just completely creeps me out.

And OMG what if, just what if, Revlon stops making my Pearl Plum Super Luscious lip gloss? The very thought of it keeps me awake at night.

And I'm a firm believer that little kids with dirty hands and/or boogery noses have cooties.

And I hate birds. (Hmmm... Partially explains my Steve Nash aversion considering his eyes are so far apart.)

So maybe a lady afraid of balloons is not so weird.... What about you? What silly things are you afraid of?


Chris H said...

Holy hell you get freaked out by heaps of stuff don't ya!
I don't like spiders.
Or heights.
And pumpkins make me vomit.
I'm sure I also could go on and on... but I won't bore you!

The Fat Chick said...

I hate birds too! Like honestly. I freak out if they are any where near me! I just cant stand it.

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WILLIAM said...

I am afraid of people who use the word "willies" to describe their fear of amphimbians.

DevilsHeaven said...

You know, my hubs used to leaving the car running while gasing up too. Several times I would point out THE RULES that say turn the car OFF; WHY ARE YOU TRYIN TO KILL ME???? He would just shrug me off. So I just started reaching over and turning the car off as he got out of it. Needless to say? He turns the car off now.

Andrea said...

The only way I can eat Jello is in shot form. James and I went to a field trip at a farm with Colton when he was three and learned that they use cow hooves to make Jello. Couple that with the fact that it was the only food I was offered for the almost 3 weeks in the hospital when I was on bed rest with Dawson and I haven't eaten Jello since. However, something aboout the alcohol makes all of that go away. :)

Heather said...

Goats. Goats are horrible!

chandy said...

I was just commenting to Joel last night that I can't stand watching Steve Nash play basketball, and I really want to put his hair in a nice, firm ponytail. The thought of having thick sweaty clumps of hair slapping my in the face is just gross.

Potatoes that have started to sprout make my skin crawl. I got goosebumps just typing that now.

DutchMac said...

T-shirts (or any shirts) that even TOUCH that little hole/dent at the base of your throat send me into hyperventilating, claustrophobic convulsions. Turtlenecks? Forget it. You might as well measure me for a straightjacket and book my ticket to Bellevue.

Any land creature with more than four or less than two legs would be better off never crossing my line of vision. (I'll make an exception for most fish, though)

The sight of a lot of British people eating, where they take one morsel of every bite on their plate and shove it onto the fork before hastily slopping it up to their mouths. Sunday dinners for the first X number years of our marriage were torture for me. (sorry, my darling husband and your family)

Collarbones. The idea of them being broken or injured in any way make me shudder.

I cannot hear the sound of a traditional phone beeping when it's off the hook without covering my ears and running to make it stop ... all while looking over my should for the knife-wielding murderer closing in ever closer on me.

But sorry, I do love Jello.

PS - My word verification for the day is 'whine'. Oh, the perfection of it all!

"Intentionally Katie" said...

Well, after that post, it's official. I am now afraid of YOU. And I'm even a little afraid of DutchMac. Her t-shirt touching issue is cracking me up!

Wonelle said...

God forbid I ever get pregnant again. That or that I don't hit menopause for another 10+ years. God forbid I have to be that fat ever again or stay this cold forever. Don't get me wrong, I love my kid and my husband. But I have other things to do with my time, tyvm!

Thanks for making me laugh!

Karen R said...

1. Birds. I kicked one at the zoo and someone hollered at me.
2. Cockroaches. Need a gun to kill them. No other way.
3. Cats. Too creepy.
4. Fresh whole chicken. Looks like a headless baby. Gag.
5. A snake in the toilet. I know. It'll never happen, but I still keep looking.

And if you ever get totally freaked out, read DutchMac again. Now SHE has issues! Ha ha :)

Teff Barchietto said...

big waves at sea, those that submerge you and nearly drown you.
natural disasters, had a panic attack when i watched The Day After Tomorrow seriously.
but mostly...needles.. i've got a phobia you know. and guess what: my dad's an anesthesiologyst.

Julie said...

1. Birds (this started later in life when one flew into my office and was flapping everywhere)
2. Frogs, Grasshoppers and anything that jumps
3. Eyeballs
4. Lint (like pocket lint, not dryer lint..don't even ask because I can't justify why, it just grosses me out)
5. Fish (to certain degrees)
6. Cockroaches

Andrea said...

Oh my this is hilarious! I knew all of them, but the bird thing still makes me laugh and you know why.

1. I hate birds too...they are messy, creepy, and useless really
2. I CANNOT stand people touching me with their feet. I mean seriously, I have an automatic kick reflex which was really hard to control when my kids were babies...yikes
3. The sound of a fork or any metal utensil hitting someone's teeth...holy shit, I want to punch the person out!
4. I could not agree with you more on Steve Nash. How disgusting...

Oh, and Karen, i will NEVER be able to look at a fresh chicken EVER again! Yick...