Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I will probably regret this post, but . . . oh well.

So I had a really crappy day.

And the funny thing is I was going to sit down tonight and write a post about how things at work have been so much better. So much better that I was offered another job at a different bank and I turned them down. Yeah. I really did. Because I just didn't want to start over. Again. I mean let's not lie to each other. I am pushing 40 and I just started over in a totally new field at the bottom of the totem pole and a trained monkey could do this job. No, I'm serious. As a matter of fact, I have seen monkeys smarter than one of my coworkers. But that's a blog for another day. And it's gonna be a good one. Trust me.

Anyhoooooo.... So I didn't want to start over with seniority and proving myself and all that. I thought to myself "You know, things have been tolerable. If you can just stick it out, do your job, do the best job you can, someone will notice and you can move up." So I stayed.

And reality came around and smacked me right across the face. "Sucker!" it taunted, as it danced around me, laughing and pointing.

I'm done. So done. I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

But I got something good out of my crapfest of a day. Here's how it all went down.

The scene: Paradise Bakery
The goal: Salad and a cookie.

Me (approaching girl at the register): Oh Dude. Are you out of the good cookies?
She: Good cookies? They are all good.
Me: Chocolate chip. I need chocolate. Sugar cookies are doing nothing for me today.
She: Want me to grab you some from the back?
Me (impatiently): Um, YES.
She: (staring. shocked at my rudeness.)
Me: I'm sorry. I am having a terrible day.
She: Really? I'm so sorry. Why is it so bad?
Me: Because I work for a crazy woman. No really, she is a sociopath. I had my annual review today and I got a "below expectations" in teamwork. TEAMWORK.
She: Oh that sucks.
Me: Yeah. It does. I mean I show up everyday. I'm there. You know? I am the first to volunteer to do anything extra. I am more flexible than a Romanian gymnast. I never complain. I never say no. I just do it. Most of the time, I am the only one there, you know? I mean who does she think she is? She's crazy.
She: She sounds like it.
Me: Will I go to hell if I say I hope she dies in a fiery car crash?
She: No. Absolutely not. I think God knows.
Me: I hope so. (sighs heavily). So I need chocolate chips to take the pain away.
She: I totally get it.
(Leaves to grab cookies)
She: I got you two cookies and also a fudge brownie. And they are all on me.
Me: Oh no, you don't have to do that.
She: I want to. I like you. You're funny.
Me: Thanks. That's really nice. Your customer service skills are excellent.
She: Really? Thanks, that's really nice of you to say.
Me: Well it's not a free cookie, but it's something.
She: Do you want a drink?
Me: Yeah, diet coke. Duh.

The outcome: A positive memorable customer experience (PMCE) allowing me to forget for a brief moment that my day sucked and the most horrible, wretched, awful, evil, fake, nasty, ignorant woman in the universe has total control of my career at the moment.

Remember what I said about the bitter with the sweet? And the sugar coma mellowed me out for the rest of the day and I had no energy to key her car when I left the building. See? It was a win/win.

Friday, March 26, 2010


I thought today was going to be an awesome day. It's Friday after all! And yesterday I woke up thinking it was Wednesday. And I was pissed. This has been the longest week ever. So yay Friday! Right? I even updated my Facebook status to say:

Aaahhh Sweet Friday... We are together at last. I love you so much. I would marry you but I am already engaged to my shoes. We can still make out though.

 I know! Clever, right? Yeah, I crack myself up, too. Sigh.

So why isn't today a good day? Well, I'll tell you why. And it's dumb. And really superficial. I am actually embarrassed to tell you this. Well not too embarrassed because I am going to tell you anyway. Are you ready?


I look terrible today.

No really. I do. I am wearing black trousers and a hot pink flouncy shirt and my silver ballet flats with the big buckle on the toe. I even have on a cool long silver necklace and a silver sequined bracelet. I know, it sounds awesome, right? So I have been at work for a few hours and just went into the restroom. I caught my reflection in the mirror and did a double take. I was horrified. First of all this shirt makes my boobs like they are sleeping. Why didn't anyone tell me this? I mean how hard is it to say "Hey April, your boobs look terrible in that shirt." Not that difficult. I would totally tell you if your boobs looked bad. That's what real friends are for.

But it's not just the boobs. My hair sucks today too. All flat and lifeless. And flipping on one side where there should be no flipping at all. I think I need a hair cut. But I don't know what I want. Should I cut it? Try growing it out and just get some layers? I don't know. Plus, I need a color desperately. Freaking gray hairs trying to ruin my life.

And then there's the dark circles. And bags under my eyes. I look tired. And I always thought it was impossible to look tired in a bright color. That is the whole point of hot pink, right? Maybe I need a new blush or something. Or some bronzer. Or an eye job. I definitely hate my eyebrows. Maybe I should google some plastic surgeons. Look into a face lift. And new boobies. And maybe a tummy tuck.

But I should lose some weight first.... Maybe I should stop eating milk duds. And salt and vinegar chips. And doughnuts. Mmmmm, I love doughnuts. And Cheetos. And the Buffalo Chicken sub at Ballpark Pizza. Mmmmm, pizza...

So I guess you could say I am having some self esteem issues today. And some self control issues as well. Aren't you so glad you stopped by?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Highlights. Or Snoozefest. You decide.

This has been a crazy couple of weeks. Ubes and I have been so busy. And I hate it when I don't have the time to write like I want to. And I keep thinking, oh I should blog about that! And then after a few days it doesn't seem interesting/funny/blog worthy anymore. So then I just don't blog at all. And that sucks for all of us....


I guess I could give you guys a few highlights of what my days have been like. Although I promise you, things are pretty boring around here....

Backhanded compliment of the week: A customer called this week asking if someone had ordered checks for her. I asked who she spoke with to request the checks. She said "I can't remember her name. The really cute girl. The one with shorter dark hair and big, pretty blue eyes...." At this point I blushed and realized she was most likely talking about me, the other girls I work with are either blond or have really long hair. And then she said "You know, she's kind of . . . ummmm, older?" And that's the point where I threw her check order in the trash. Ha ha! Kidding... Maybe.... At least she didn't say bigger. Right?

Best way I spent spring break: My mom had the kids from Wednesday to Sunday. It was nothing short of awesome. And really really quiet. But Uberman and I got to go out on a proper grown up date and we saw two movies! I never had to cook dinner and there was barely any laundry. But still, I missed those little monkeys like crazy.

Grossest thing I saw this week: I stopped to get a drink on my way to work Saturday morning. While I waited for my turn to order, the guy in the car in front of me kept opening his door and throwing up. Nothing says "Good Morning Saturday!" like watching a guy puke out his hang over in the Jack in the Box drive thru, eh?

Worst thing that happened this week: I had Miley Cyrus' The Climb stuck in my head for two days. TWO DAYS. I wanted to shoot myself. When I told my middle child this (over the phone while he was at my mom's) he expressed sympathy. "Oh that's terrible Mom! I don't know why she's so famous. She sounds like a dying cat." He is so wise.

Second worst thing that happened this week: I found myslef humming along to a Taylor Swift song. Somebody please kill me. We need to stop the madness.

Funny thing Boo said this week: My mom took her for a walk one afternoon on the golf course near her house. She told Boo about a flock of Canadian Geese that migrate to the lake on the golf course every winter. She told her they could look at them, but not get too close because the geese can be aggressive and will chase them. Later that night as they sat outside enjoying the cool evening, they could hear the geese honking. Boo crept to the end of the driveway and peered around the corner, motioning for my mom to follow her.
"What are we doing?" my mom whispered to her.
"Hiding from the gays," Boo answered.
"From the what?" my mom asked, confused.
"You know," Boo told her. "Those gays from Canada."

What I am freaking out about this week: My oldest child, who is 12 (and a half), has recently realized girls are not so icky and thinks he might, possibly, maybe want to have a girlfriend.
"What are you going to do with this girlfriend?" I asked him.
"You know, talk and stuff," he replied.
"Stuff? What does 'stuff' mean?"
"I don't know, Mom. Just hang out and stuff."
"No," I said shaking my finger in his face. "There will be no 'hanging out.' You keep everything 'in,' do you hear me? There is no hanging out, making out, going out. You are 12. Got it?"
"Gross, Mom," he said, rolling his eyes. "You are totally overreacting."
Um, I don't think so. I need to hyperventilate in a paper bag for a minute....

.... And I'm back.

What I am thankful for this week: My husband, who works so hard and is so completely stressed out right now; the beautiful Arizona weather, this is my favorite time of the year - everything is green and blooming and it's not too hot (this will last for maybe a month and then I will be complaining and asking why we live here and why not on the actual surface of the sun.); new shoes; Cadbury Cream Eggs; I get to have dinner with Stacey in two weeks; American Pickers; Netflix (what?? I have no life people!); and anyone still awake after reading this....


Hey, I warned you, didn't I?

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Wrong Family

When I was 18, I got a job as a file clerk for a large company based in Scottsdale. It was my first experience in corporate America, so needless to say, I found it all a little overwhelming. Luckily I had a guardian angel.

Karen started the same week I did and although there was a twenty year difference in our ages, we hit it off immediately. She took me under her wing and taught me all about corporate politics. She taught me to create an amazing resume, how to sell myself in an interview, and most importantly, how to work hard, yet still have fun no matter what the job was.

Karen has three daughters. At the time we met, they were 15, 12, and 5. Over the years we had many conversations about her relationship with her girls and my relationship with my mom. We helped each other through some difficult times, each of us providing the other with some perspective to help deal with these relationships better. I loved hearing Karen talk about her girls, Stacey, Laurie and Nikki. And I thoroughly enjoyed watching these girls grow up. To this day, Stacey is one of my closest friends.

Karen was, and still is, one of the funniest people I have ever met. She was so much more than a mentor to me, she was a lifelong friend that changed the way I see the world, and the way I see myself. I can't tell you enough how grateful I am that she is a part of my life. I love this woman, she is like a second mother an older and wiser sister to me. And I love her family. They are my family.

Two weeks ago, Karen's two year old grandson Jack, Laurie's son, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called Neuroblastoma. You can read about Jack's Fight here. This family is so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support they have received from total strangers. Please take a moment to say hello, and if you can, say a prayer or make a wish or send some good vibes to little Jack.

Jack has a long road ahead. But cancer picked the wrong family. It has no idea who it is messing with. This is the feistiest group of people I have ever met. They will win. I have no doubt.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ramblings of the sick and suffering

I have a horrible cold/flu. Again. This is my second this year. Argh. I hate being sick. Like really hate it. I can't sleep. I'm not hungry. I have no energy. And there is nothing on TV during the day. Sigh. And I hate staying home from work because I know I am going to miss out on something. Which is another illness all its own.

My nose is running. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My ears are all plugged up so I keep going "What? Huh?" to everyone. My teeth feel like they are too big for my mouth. Do you know that feeling? And I can't get that nasty metal taste out of my mouth. And I really hate taking medicine. Makes me feel all disconnected and slow. But I really want to feel better. Gah!

But I am pretty sure death is imminent.

Ubes, please don't remarry right away. And fold the laundry before you let your mom in the house. And if you do remarry right away, don't let my babies call her mom. That will just piss me off and cause me to haunt you. And I'll be mean about it too. Like I'll hide your car keys and phone and stuff. And I'll steal your beer. Yeah. That should keep you single for a while.

But when you do decide to remarry, pick someone nice. And not one of my friends. It makes me nervous how you are always talking about how organized Jovina is. Or how awesome Jessica's soup was. Or how clean Erin's house is. Pick someone totally new. Okay?

And tell my babies nice things about me. I don't want the only thing they remember is that I never folded the laundry and I fed them too much frozen pizza. Tell them about all the time I spent planning their birthday parties. Tell them about all the nights we stayed up late working on their school projects. Tell them I used to bake the best cookies in the world.

And please bury me in something nice and flattering. A bright color. Like hot pink. I look good in pink. And make sure I am wearing matching accessories. And that my makeup looks natural and not like I'm going out to a club or something. And don't even bother with shoes because no one will be able to see my feet, but make sure my toes are painted nice. I can't stand the thought of going to eternity with ghetto toes. Or maybe I should just forget about the toes and wear my black boots? That's a tough call. Oh well, you decide.

And please don't go out and get a motorcycle just because I am dead. You want to orphan your children?? I mean really. Don't make any foolish, selfish decisions. And finish traveling the world. Go see everything we talked about seeing. I will be with you in your heart. So don't have sex with strange foreign women, because that would be gross and just plain awkward for all of us.

And I love you. Thank you for putting up with me all these years. It's been fun. I think I hear Jesus calling my name. Or it could be one of the kids, I don't know. My ears are all plugged up, remember? Either way, I have to go. I should unload the dishwasher before I die so your mom won't see a sink full of dirty dishes. She's already going to be shocked about the laundry and the crumbs on the kitchen floor. Dirty dishes would just send her over the edge and next thing you know she's yacking in my ear as we wait in line at the pearly gates. And then who's going to make sure the kids eat every day?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

On second thought, maybe I should just not die.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Things I know because I work at a bank....

Nobody has any money. No one.

And the people who do have money, don't have as much as they did two years ago. Seriously. I checked.

People pick their nose in the drive thru. I think it's the boredom.

Some people don't know their bank account numbers. A lot of people. And if you are reading this and you don't, shame on you.

People don't like to wait in line. I know. This one surprised me too.

Time moves slower in the bank. You could be in line for one minute and thirty seconds, but you will swear up and down you were waiting for 15. Something happens when you walk in the door, the laws of time become null and void.

The person you think has a lot of money has nothing. And the person you think has nothing, is loaded. (But not as loaded as they were two years ago.)

People don't think it's funny when you deposit their money in the wrong account. They don't care if it was an accident. Even though they don't know their own account numbers.

Inflation even affects strippers. The popular thing to do is give them $2 bills. And it just makes your day when you get a stack of oily, glittery $2 bills from a girl named Candi. Why does it always have to end in "i"? Anyhoo, Travis used to say the $2 bills smelled like shame and broken dreams. And herpes. I love that. The line about shame and broken dreams, that is. Not herpes. I have never had herpes but I hear it is unpleasant.

Old people don't like to show ID.

A lot of you are lying about your weight on your drivers license.

Guys will flirt with you to get out of paying fees. This doesn't work. It just pisses me off.

Clive Owen is never sleeping in the vault. Trust me because I check. Every day.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Today is my 2 year Blogiversary. (Thunderous applause)

Yes, thank you. I think today I will treat my blog to a piece of cake and a new pair of shoes. Maybe a party dress. Everyone needs a good party dress, don't you agree?

I love this blog. I know that lately I have sucked at keeping it updated. And I know the past few months it has been more of a blahg, but that is where I have been recently, you know? It is important for me to keep it honest here. Gotta keep it real, yo? And life is not always rainbows and butterflies and diet coke with vanilla. Sometimes it's rain clouds and bullshit and assholes who don't know where Jamaica is. Explicit, but true. That's how life works. There's ups and downs and hills and valleys and good and bad and bitter and sweet. It's all about balance, y'all.

So here is what I am asking for from you. Because it's my special day and all. Leave me a comment, please. Wish me Happy Blogiversary or whatever. I am going to be a big girl and turn my comment moderation off. Come out of the shadows (I get an average 50 hits per day and three comments, some of you are lurking fo sho!), show yourselves. Tell me how you found me. Tell me what you think. I will respond back in the comments to all of you.

Thanks for being a part of my life. You are awesome. Yes you are! Don't be so humble, you are fabulous!