Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What I am and what I definitely am not.

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. The last few months, really. I am not trying to be secretive or anything but there is a lot I just can't talk about here. A lot of stuff going on at work. Which is funny because when we are there we are supposed to be working. That's why they call it work. It's not called gossip. You are supposed to show up, do your designated job (aka, work) to the best of your ability and then go home. On payday you are rewarded for your efforts. The end.

That's the way it's supposed to be, at least. In my case it has turned into High School Part Two. Only to be honest, I never had it that bad in high school. This kind of sucks.

But I refuse to let this situation define me. I refuse to let it carve my path and decide where I go from here. Because this is not me. This is not who I am. Her view of me is obstructed by jealousy and personal issues and bullshit. Excuse me, but sometimes there are no other words to accurately describe what an object is. And this one is bullshit, plain and simple. And the jealousy is so completely unfounded it makes me sick.

So don't you dare presume to know who I am when you don't. When you have never made the effort. When you are so completely wrapped up in yourself that you can't see anything else that is going on around you. If you want my opinion, ask me for it. If you want to know how I feel or what I see or what I say, ASK ME. Don't assume you know what I think. Because unlike you, there are more layers to me beyond the superficial.

If you knew me, you would know who I am. What I am. And what I am not.

I am strong. Your words are not going to break me down.

I am confident. Your opinion of me is not going to change the way I feel about myself. I know who I am.

I am loyal.

I am kind.

I am determined and persistent, ambitious and optimistic.

I am good at what I do.

I am loud and sarcastic and occasionally inappropriate. But my heart is ALWAYS in the right place.

I can be stubborn and tough and occaisonally unrealistic with my expectations. But
I will never expect something from you if I don't expect it from myself.

I am generous and forgiving, gracious and compassionate.

I am complicated.

I am not stupid. (I know where Jamaica is, okay?)

I am not blind.

Or deaf.

Or incapable of getting my feelings hurt.

I am not shallow or simple.

I am not insensitive or cruel.

I am not a shrinking violet who will allow you to walk all over me.

I am not oblivious of my faults and I am not afraid to admit my imperfections.

I am not afraid to apologize when I am wrong.

And I, most certainly, am not afraid of you.

Unlike you, I will learn from this experience. I will find some value in it and I will grow from it. And I will move on. Because that is what grown ups do. We keep moving forward.

Unfortunately for you, this will only make me stronger.

This will be the last time I discuss this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the tension and the hostility and the emotional after effects. Just had to get it all out and now I am done. And I already feel better. Sometimes you have to throw up, you know?


chandy said...

Ugh...that sucks, April.
I also have a horrible co-worker that manages to suck all of the joy out of my day. It's been a lovely two months of not having to work with him, but I fear that I'll be back to associating with him regularly soon. I'm not looking forward to it :(

Stacey Redish said...

I don't know about her, but you scare the shit out of me.

Kidding. Love you. Piss on her. (Easy for me to say, huh? But seriously, do piss on her.)

Chris H said...

GOOD FOR YOU Chick! YOu needed to have a rant obviously. I hope things get better at work!

"Intentionally Katie" said...

...AAAAAAAAAAAND this is why I do NOT miss corporate America!!! Not that this stuff is absent from other areas of my life, but still. People get mean at work.

I hope you're out of there soon, girlfriend.

DutchMac said...

I shall curse her with Chronic Dung Beetle Morning Breath and Sudden Onset Relapsing/Remitting Crotch Rot. And let's make her eyes go temporarily crossed at the most inopportune moments, too, just to spice things up a bit.

Revenge may not be an attractive desire, but the fantasy of it is sometimes beautiful enough to make you weep.

Good luck.

kristen s said...

Dude. Say the word, and I will help you take her down. And I mean take her down to China town. She's threatened by you, ya know -- that's why she's being such an a-hole. Just keep being the stronger, more grown-up person, and it will piss her right off. But also, tell me who she is and what she's done to you so I know who to come after and how hard to hit. Mmmkay?
Now don't you wish you never left me? We were kick ass coworkers... just like Frick and Frack. Now, unfortunately, it sounds like you've been sentenced to work with their ugly, hag-like wicked stepsister, F*ck (the * symbol stands for the letter 'u'... just in case you were wondering ;) Like I said, say the word, and I'll help you send her back to her home on Whore Island. NOBODY messes with the Queen!

Andrea said...

I think you are wonderful and I am so happy you are in my life and I think she needs to BACK OFF!

WILLIAM said...

writing this post is much better than dry heaves.

DevilsHeaven said...

LMAO@ "Sometimes you have to throw up, you know?"
Just make sure you make it to the toilet or trash can, wise words of my mom. You don't want to ruin a cute outfit. ;-)

Jessie said...

So, is it me, or is the Christina Aguilara song playing in the backgroud? "I am beautiful, in every single way. Words can't bring me down." etc.

Love you, girl. Keep up the good fight and "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called" you.

Andrea said...

Kristy took the words out of my you now have two people who are ready to kick this girls- low down, insensitive, stuck up, useless, cruel, two faced, rotten barbie doll ass to the ground! Just say it and I am there with my tough girl panties (sorry for the "p" word Kristen), and butt kicking boots on!