Saturday, January 23, 2010

Random thoughts on a Saturday while I am stuck at work....

.... Have you watched the show Man V. Food? Basically this guy travels all over eating the largest dish a restaurant has to offer. Like once he ate a pizza that was three feet in diameter. The WHOLE pizza. Another time he ate an 84 ounce steak. Last night he was eating a cheeseburger with 15 patties, 4 kinds of cheese and a pound of bacon. Good Lord Almighty. Are any of us going to be shocked when this dude drops dead of a heart attack in a few years? I have never once seen him eat a big salad. Ever. How is he even getting health insurance? The liabilities here are overwhelming. I understand about wanting to be famous and all but holy chili dog, how about wanting to be alive? Can I get an amen?

.... Birds freak me out. Have you ever sat and watched one up close? We have these big black ugly birds that hang around outside the bank. I have no idea what kind they are because I don't really care. All I know is that they are big, ugly and creepy. I hate the way they jerk their little heads around. It's not normal. And their big nasty bird feet. Jeez, it's giving me the willies just thinking about them. Their nasty beaks and beady little eyes. Plus all the germs and diseases they carry. Yuck. I mean I don't know for sure they carry disease and germs, but they look like the would because they are so creepy. I don't understand how people are fascinated by birds, either. "Oooh look! A hawk!" Ooh look! Someone who doesn't give a rats ass. Birds are creepy little buggers. No thanks.

... Speaking of wildlife near the bank, we have a family of jack rabbits that live in the bushes near the buliding. For real, I am totally not making this up. Now the bank is not out in the sticks, you know. It's smack dab in the middle of the suburbs of Phoenix in a busy shopping center for crying out loud. So the other morning I was pulling into the parking lot and a bunny comes running out in front of my car. I slam on the brakes and the guy behind me almost rear ends me, but I am not about to commit bunnycide, you know? So this stupid rabbit is just sitting in the middle of the road staring at me and I am sitting behind the wheel of my car like a moron going "shoo bunny! Shoo!!" and waving my hands like a freak. Finally the stupid little bunny hops away. But wouldn't you think if a bunch of rabbits were going to inhabit a busy shopping center parking lot they would develop some freaking street smarts? Stay out of the road, dumb ass and stick to the bushes. Right? I mean I don't think I am being unreasonable here.

... Do you guys watch Community? (Wow. I just realized that all I ever do on this blog is talk about TV, food and animals I dislike.... Hmmm... Note to self: Get a flipping life.) Anyway, you know the girl who plays Britta? The cynical little blonde chick? Do you guys think that's her real nose? Because it is really unfair if it is. It's perfect. Like my friend Kristen S. She has the most adorable nose I have ever seen. (Yes you do! Stop shaking your head at your computer, you look like an idiot. An idiot with an adorable little nose.) Seriously, if you are friends with me on Facebook, look up Kristen S and you will agree with me. Hands down, best nose of all my friends. But the chick who plays Britta? Best nose on TV.

... Speaking of Facebook.... (hmmmm... TV, food, animals I dislike and Facebook. This is baaaaadddd...) Some old friends keep posting pictures from our church camp days. At first it was cute. And now it's just plain pissing me off. I think it kind of sucks how people can tag you in pictures without your approval. I realize you can untag yourself, but is that rude? I don't want to be rude. I would rather just be pissed off and talk about them behind their backs. What? It's not passive aggressive if you own up to it. Check your Psych 101 books. You know you still have them. What? You mean I am the only one who keeps stuff like that?? Seriously???

.... Maybe I should look into therapy. Note to self: Find out if therapy is covered under insurance...

... Earlier this week our little Boo was grounded for the first time in her 6 years. She got into an argument with Mac and "accidentally" punched him. And Ubes took away the things she loves most - her iPod and watching movies on Netflix. When I came home from work that evening she told me what happened in her sad little voice. So I asked if she understood why daddy took those things away. And she said yes, we have a house rule of no hitting. Suddenly she looked up at me with sheer horror in her eyes. "Mommy!" she said with her hand over her mouth "Does that mean I can't watch Project Runway?" And now you see why I love this kid. She is perfect. Even if she occasionally gives her brothers a beat down.

Peace out peeps.


Chris H said...

It is exhausting just reading your posts! do you talk like you write? Holy hell if you do!
I don't like birds much either.
And yes, they do carry all sorts of nasty germs... and stuff.

kristen s said...

Give me a BREAK, April! I completely agree with you regarding Britta's nose. It really is a thing of beauty and I'm quite certain it might soon surpass Jessica Alba's as the #1 most requested by plastic surgery patients. MINE, on the other hand does not deserve the credit you have given it. Now people on FB are going to look up my picture and go, "Hmmmmm.... I think April needs to windex her contacts". While I realize that of the things on my body that need to be changed, my nose doesn't even make the top 20, it is FAR from adorable. But thank you anyway :)

Oh! and I SOOO agree with you on the FB tagging thing! The other day, I untagged myself from a 6th grade class picture from when I weighed a good 40 pounds more than any of my female classmates. (I blame early puberty... and possibly a few dozen bags of Cheetos. Shut up) Anyway, I had been out of town all weekend and everyone got a chance to see it and make fun of me when I didn't even know the horrific thing was there! You KNOW you saw it! Unacceptable! I wish I had something to get the dude back with who put it out there. What a douche. YOU look like a total hottie in your camp pics though, so quit your whining already.

Poor little Boo..... I bet Mac had it coming! Okay, maybe he didn't, but don't you want her to practice her right hook to knock out nasty elementary school boys who try to get a little too familiar? I can't believe Ubes didn't see the value in that....psh. What is this, Russia? I vote for her to get her Project Runway privleges back at the very least....

Stacey Redish said...

Ok, maybe I totally misread that first comment and maybe my inner bitch is just clawing to get out for no reason, but "its exhausting just reading your posts"???? WTF? Joke - ok, sort of funny, I guess. Not joke? Wow. Just, wow.

ANYWAY! Dude, you obviously havent seen MY nose lately. I think I could give Kristin a run for her money. My nose has also been called such things as "perfect", "cute", "straight", and "pert but not piggy". So. I'm just saying. Maybe you just rushed to your Perfect Nose Award judgement a little too soon, hmmm?

Facebook tags are annoying. Why don't people see a butt ugly picture when they see one? I mean, really. Every single horrifying picture of me sporting a double chin, eyes that look smooshed by giant fat deposits in my cheeks, or ones with my head tilted back at that horrible "up angle" are ALWAYS tagged. And what do the taggers say to the taggee? It's such a good picture of you!!! Are you kidding me? Am I that ugly that THIS is what you look at and think is better than the real thing? I mean, that's what a good picture is, right? You, frozen at your one second of greatness. So, if they think THAT awfulness is good, then what do they think I look like on a daily basis??? A triple chinned, fat-squashed eyed, head tilter, that's what!! Do you see how my mind works sometimes? Anyway, tagging is for the pits. If you (the tagger) are a friend of ours, we see that you posted new pictures on our home page. Give us (the taggees) the opportunity to tag ourselves in the photos WE deem worthy.

And Boo. Poor, poor Boo. No good fashing loving girl punches anyone in the face who didn't totally deserve it. I say that Ubes needs to get to the heart of the matter. Find out just what Mac did to deserve that left hook. I bet it was a doozy. And now a little Project Runway lover is missing out while her diabolical and plotting brother is sniggering at her expense. (PS - I'm in no way saying that Mac is plotting and diabolical, I know he's presh and perfect in every single way. I'm just saying.)

Cassie said...

YOU are hilarious! SInce all the comedy clubs have disappeared from the Phx scene, I now have another place to go for some good laughs. Thx!!