Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Best and Worst

The worst things about working with a bunch of women...

.... Someone will always want to compete with you.
.... Someone will always be worried you are talking about them.
.... Someone will always be talking about you.
.... Someone will always be over evaluating every word that comes out of your mouth.
.... Someone will always be obsessed with American Idol.
.... Someone will always feel left out.
.... Someone will always be offended by something you said or did.
.... Someone will always have better hair than you do.
.... Someone will always drink your Diet Pepsi that was in the fridge with your name clearly marked on it.
.... Someone will always have/love/create more drama than the Lifetime network and every Nicholas Sparks book combined.

The best things about working with a bunch of women....

.... Someone will always notice when you are wearing cute shoes or carrying a new purse.
.... Someone will always have gum.
.... Someone will always want to organize a potluck.
.... Someone will always be crazier than you are.

As you can see, the cons far outweigh the pros. Feel free to add to both lists. Let's see how many we can come up with.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Random thoughts on a Saturday while I am stuck at work....

.... Have you watched the show Man V. Food? Basically this guy travels all over eating the largest dish a restaurant has to offer. Like once he ate a pizza that was three feet in diameter. The WHOLE pizza. Another time he ate an 84 ounce steak. Last night he was eating a cheeseburger with 15 patties, 4 kinds of cheese and a pound of bacon. Good Lord Almighty. Are any of us going to be shocked when this dude drops dead of a heart attack in a few years? I have never once seen him eat a big salad. Ever. How is he even getting health insurance? The liabilities here are overwhelming. I understand about wanting to be famous and all but holy chili dog, how about wanting to be alive? Can I get an amen?

.... Birds freak me out. Have you ever sat and watched one up close? We have these big black ugly birds that hang around outside the bank. I have no idea what kind they are because I don't really care. All I know is that they are big, ugly and creepy. I hate the way they jerk their little heads around. It's not normal. And their big nasty bird feet. Jeez, it's giving me the willies just thinking about them. Their nasty beaks and beady little eyes. Plus all the germs and diseases they carry. Yuck. I mean I don't know for sure they carry disease and germs, but they look like the would because they are so creepy. I don't understand how people are fascinated by birds, either. "Oooh look! A hawk!" Ooh look! Someone who doesn't give a rats ass. Birds are creepy little buggers. No thanks.

... Speaking of wildlife near the bank, we have a family of jack rabbits that live in the bushes near the buliding. For real, I am totally not making this up. Now the bank is not out in the sticks, you know. It's smack dab in the middle of the suburbs of Phoenix in a busy shopping center for crying out loud. So the other morning I was pulling into the parking lot and a bunny comes running out in front of my car. I slam on the brakes and the guy behind me almost rear ends me, but I am not about to commit bunnycide, you know? So this stupid rabbit is just sitting in the middle of the road staring at me and I am sitting behind the wheel of my car like a moron going "shoo bunny! Shoo!!" and waving my hands like a freak. Finally the stupid little bunny hops away. But wouldn't you think if a bunch of rabbits were going to inhabit a busy shopping center parking lot they would develop some freaking street smarts? Stay out of the road, dumb ass and stick to the bushes. Right? I mean I don't think I am being unreasonable here.

... Do you guys watch Community? (Wow. I just realized that all I ever do on this blog is talk about TV, food and animals I dislike.... Hmmm... Note to self: Get a flipping life.) Anyway, you know the girl who plays Britta? The cynical little blonde chick? Do you guys think that's her real nose? Because it is really unfair if it is. It's perfect. Like my friend Kristen S. She has the most adorable nose I have ever seen. (Yes you do! Stop shaking your head at your computer, you look like an idiot. An idiot with an adorable little nose.) Seriously, if you are friends with me on Facebook, look up Kristen S and you will agree with me. Hands down, best nose of all my friends. But the chick who plays Britta? Best nose on TV.

... Speaking of Facebook.... (hmmmm... TV, food, animals I dislike and Facebook. This is baaaaadddd...) Some old friends keep posting pictures from our church camp days. At first it was cute. And now it's just plain pissing me off. I think it kind of sucks how people can tag you in pictures without your approval. I realize you can untag yourself, but is that rude? I don't want to be rude. I would rather just be pissed off and talk about them behind their backs. What? It's not passive aggressive if you own up to it. Check your Psych 101 books. You know you still have them. What? You mean I am the only one who keeps stuff like that?? Seriously???

.... Maybe I should look into therapy. Note to self: Find out if therapy is covered under insurance...

... Earlier this week our little Boo was grounded for the first time in her 6 years. She got into an argument with Mac and "accidentally" punched him. And Ubes took away the things she loves most - her iPod and watching movies on Netflix. When I came home from work that evening she told me what happened in her sad little voice. So I asked if she understood why daddy took those things away. And she said yes, we have a house rule of no hitting. Suddenly she looked up at me with sheer horror in her eyes. "Mommy!" she said with her hand over her mouth "Does that mean I can't watch Project Runway?" And now you see why I love this kid. She is perfect. Even if she occasionally gives her brothers a beat down.

Peace out peeps.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Glimpse: My Week

Yeah. So....What's new?

I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I haven't posted in over a week. Thought you might like to see what I have been up to. So here is a glimpse....

The smartest thing I did this week -
 Kept my mouth shut. I know. I can't believe it either.

The dumbest thing I did this week -
Snapped myself in the face with a rubber band. Don't ask. My job is straight up dangerous, yo. Like working on an oil rig or deep sea crab fishing. Or bottle feeding kittens.

My favorite song this week -
Hot Mess by Cobra Starship

Most ridiculous telephone conversation I had this week -
Me: Thank you for calling [Bank of Awesome], this is April. How can I help you?
Caller: Um, yeah... Where are you located?
What I wanted to say: We're on the corner of Get on Your Computer and Google Map It.
What I actually said: We are conveniently located on the south west corner of [Such & Such] Avenue and [This] Street in the [Fancy Overpriced Grocery Store] Plaza.
Caller: Wow, that's like really far. I need one closer.
(Long pause)
Caller: Hello? Are you still there?
What I wanted to say: Unfortunately yes.
What I actually said: Yes I am.
Caller (exasperated): Well, do you have a location closer to me?
Me: I am sure we do. Where are you??
Caller: Oh. Sorry. I guess you need to know that.
Me: It can be helpful.

Funniest conversation I had with one of my kids this week -
Me (poking junior in his big dimples): Junior, does it bother you when I do this?
He (laughing): No, you've always done that.
Me: So when you're really old -
He: Like 45?
Me: Um. Yeah. Old like 45.... Will you still let me do it?
He: Yes. Well . . . if you're still alive.

Weekly example that I am the greatest mother. Ever (actual email sent to teacher) -
Dear Mrs. Fourth Grade Teacher,

Mornings are crazy in our house. Are they crazy in yours? I mean I am a screaming psycho in the morning - "Get your shoes! Comb your hair! Where is your lunch? We have to GO!!!" I am always in a hurry and rushing the kids out the door.

Unfortunately, in my rush out the door this morning, I failed to sign Mac's folder and left it sitting on the counter. He tried to tell me, but being the incredible attentive mother I am, I shooshed him and pushed him out the door. (Gently of course.)

So please forgive him for not bringing in the folder today. He was very worried about missing recess and it is all my fault. And also, please make sure you spell my name correctly when you nominate me for mother of the year.

Thank you and have a fabulous day.

Biggest bummer of the week -
My iPod is stuck on shuffle. Usually I keep it on shuffle, but I think it's just pissing me off that I can't un-shuffle it, you know?

Most awesome thing to happen this week -
Made it to round two of interviews for a new job. Thank you Jesus. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

So that's what I have been up to. What have you been doing?

Oh and I forgot to tell you guys, my BFF Raia started a blog! Check it out here and give her some love. Peace out.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Post-Soup - Stuff that couldn't make a full post on its own

So we finally joined the 21st century and signed up for Netflix. I know! Can I get a hell yeah for not having to stand in line for Red Box?? And since we are so fancy and all, we can now stream movies through Netflix on our XBOX 360. Yes ladies, this little gaming console can benefit you as well. I spend hours paging through all the categories. Dudes. There is an ENTIRE category titled "British Dramas." That is like porn for me! And Ubes is already pissed that I have filled up our viewing queue with girly movies he is not interested in. "Babe," he says with resigned exasperation, "isn't it enough that both iTunes and Tivo think I'm gay??" Nope. Sorry, honey pie.

This week at work I actually had a woman ask me how to write the new year on a check. "You know how we would write '09' in the date for the year?? How do we right 2010? Is it oh-ten?" She was serious.

The Boy, my best girlfriend at work, has accepted a position with another company and will be leaving on Wednesday. I am sad. I know we will continue to be BFF, as he and his lovely wife Elizabeth have become good friends with Ubes and I, but still... He was kind of the glue holding me together in an environment that has become toxic and miserable. I do not blame him for leaving. But yes, I am extremely jealous.

I am looking for a new job. Sigh.

My boys have once again pulled it off and made the Principal's list (Junior) and the Honor Roll (Mac). They are amazing. I am such a proud mom.

I have recently discovered I spent three hours looking at boots. Boots, people. Please don't blame me when you are not getting anything done because you are spending all your time on the latest fashion trends, okay?

My previous post was a bit of a downer. And the evening after I published that post, I went to Bunco at one of my BFF Erin's. And it was the opposite of everything I was complaining about. I am so happy I have such amazing women in my life! So thank you to Erin, Catherine, Mary, Brooke, Bex, Ames, Nicole, Kim, Jess, Katiekins, Flint, and Diane. Unlike the nasty people who inspired that post, YOU make me proud to be a girl. I love you!

And thank you, to all of the fabulous people I know who reached out to me after reading that post. Whether we know each other in person or not, you all make me feel good about being who I am. I appreciate every one of you.

And finally, my amazing Uberman has decided to go public with his bad ass beer blog. You can read it here. If you like beer, you will love this. (And you can read my fantabulous guest post. You are welcome!)

Thursday, January 7, 2010


I would rather be chubby and happy than deal with the mood swings that come with diet pills, skipping meals and being completely obsessed with the way I look.

I would rather spend time looking in the faces of others, getting to know people for who they really are, than to spend my time looking in a mirror.

I would rather be goofy and silly and laugh at myself than project some picture perfect image that is not real.

I would rather say I don't know than to pretend I do.

I would rather be that weird girl eating alone in her car than sit at a table with a bunch of vapid, gossiping, self absorbed women who have not realized they are no longer wearing their homecoming tiaras and chearleading uniforms.

I would rather go home to my family at night, to help my kids with their homework and listen to them talk about their day and get them ready for the next one than to sit in a bar with a bunch of people I have no desire to be friends with, listening to them talk about work even though the work day has ended.

I would rather spend my time with people who bring me joy. With people who lift me up. With people who go beyond the superficial. With people who don't ask me to play the game. Who aren't disappointed when I politely decline. With people who aren't jealous and insecure and petty and just plain mean.

I would rather have my life than theirs.

I would rather be me than any one of them.


Friday, January 1, 2010


Oh what a year I have had.

This has been a year where I have discovered a lot about myself. Some things good, some things not so good. I have grown this year. I am stronger. I have a little bit of a thicker skin. I see things from an entirely different perspective. In some ways this is all for the better, but in other ways, maybe not. I think this year has made me a little more cynical. A little less trusting of others. A little more guarded than I have ever been before.

I used to be a person who would tell you anything you wanted to know. And some things maybe you didn't want to know. But this year, I learned my lesson about confiding too much. I learned my lesson about opening up too much. And unfortunately I learned that sometimes the people you trust the most are the people that hurt you the most.

I lost some friends this year. Actually no, let's say it like this: I found out who my friends were this year. Some were a surprise, others not so much. And regardless of the circumstances, it hurts to lose people from your life. Especially when you have closure issues like I do. But I know it's for the best. 

I made a few decisions this year about how I will continue to live my life. Things I need to do for my health, mental or physical. Life is too short to be unhappy. Life is too short to be miserable. Life is too short to feel like an obligation is a burden. Are you following me? No? I know, I am being kind of vague.

I know this is sounding a little more melancholy than I mean for it to. I am not sad about the year I have had. A lot of good came out of this year. And I finally feel like things are back on track for this family. I am thankful this year went by as quickly as it did. It was like ripping a band aid off, you know? And I am nervous about what the new year will bring, but I know I can handle it. Because I have Uberman, and my amazing babies, my incredibly supportive family, and a group of fabulous friends that lift my spirits on a daily basis.

I am thankful to every person who reads this blog. It continually amazes me that people come to this place every day to read about my life. Seriously, if any of us ever met in person, you would be so disappointed.

So here's to another year! May it bring happiness and joy, prosperity and adventure, blessings and successful resolutions.

Or it could just not suck.