Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Mondays (On A Tuesday)

I have decided to start making Monday Confessions a regular post. It's kind of fun in a therapeutic, soul-cleansing kind of way.

That being said, my first confession...

  • I am keeping the blog. Not because I received hundreds of letters from loyal fans begging me not to give it up (which was super sweet, thank you), but because I really love it too much to let it go. The thought of quitting was devastating. The Boy and I came to an agreement, and I'm over it. Especially because I went back through my posts and did a little creative editing. If people from work find it, they find it. But I will limit what I talk about when it comes to the job. At least, I will try... No promises.
  • I am insanely jealous of Selena Gomez. Her youth. Her beauty. Her totally awesome hair. In my next life I want to be her. Is that weird?
  • Ubes made me lift weights with him last night. And between you and me, I am pretty sure he is trying to kill me. Okay, so that's not true. I asked him to help me because I want to tone up. But honestly, considering how sore my chest is today, I can see which group of muscles he is targeting. I'm onto you Ubes...
  • I've already started a list of things to pack for my cruise. Which is in 38 days. Which reminds me, I need to get my suitcases out of the closet...
  • The manager at one of my most favorite restaurants is a client. He has been sending me food at least once a week. And at first I thought he had a little bit of a thing for me. I mean why wouldn't he, right? But then I realized he's like one of those evil heroin dealers who gives you a taste for free only to get you good and addicted and desperate enough to start paying for it no matter what you have to subject yourself to in order to earn the money. Oh my God People. I'm strung out on Strozzapreti!
  • I'm pretty sure I am in love with my flat iron. And I know you are judging me and telling me that it is an inanimate object and can't love me back, but dudes, if you saw my hair today you would see that yes indeed, it absolutely can.

So from now on, Monday is going to be Monday Confessional around here. I promise the confessions won't always be this lame. Oh who am I kidding? They will always be this lame.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

And I Hadn't Even Been Drinking...

So last night Ubes was working late and the kids were in bed and so I should have been doing laundry and dishes and stuff, but of course I was on Facebook. In my own defense I did scrub a toilet and wash my bathroom rugs. So there. Oh and I started the dishwasher.

So naturally after all of that I was exhausted and needed to rest. I am getting old after all.

And you know how I know I am getting old? My twenty year reunion is coming up. I know, I know. We have already discussed this but this is my blog and I feel like talking about it again. Mmmkay?

I am pretty much decided that I am NOT going. Dee won't go with me. Even if I beg. A few people have asked me on FB if I am going and I keep saying no. It's a week after we get back from the cruise and I am just not sure I want to spend the money because it's crazy expensive. And if it were not for FB I would not be in touch with ANY of these people. Except for Dee, of course.

But you all know me and how I hate missing out on all the fun....

So I sent a message to one of my former classmates, someone I talk to quite often on FB. I thought I would share this message with you all. Because it is awesome. This is the kind of stuff I put out in the universe when I am mentally and physically exhausted:

[High School Friend] -

I just spent about twenty minutes typing you this big novel of a message about the reunion and my computer started acting like a [douche]. I am so pissed.

So basically I was asking if you are going and then telling you why I am not sure if I want to go. It was the greatest message ever. And now it's lost forever. Years from now someone is going to find my hard drive in a landfill and recover that message and it will become some epic movie, just you wait and see. I hate my effing computer.

So? Do you think you will go? I'm a little pissed that it costs so much money to be honest. Do I really want to invest $200 (not including cost of a sitter) and all the time it will take talking my husband into going, to sit in a room full of people I haven't talked to in 20 years???


I mean the ten year kind of sucked. (I thought it did anyway.) Everyone was still broken off in the same old cliques. All the guys spent their time talking about how hot Stacey [Former Cheerleader] was and all the girls spent their time gossiping about Shanda [Former Mean Girl]'s new nose. It was stupid (the conversation, not Shanda's new nose, that was amazing). Plus the food was terrible.

And I am chubby. And I just don't want to have to wear a t-shirt that says "Yeah, I got fat. I'm aware." Seriously, why do I care what people think? Right? I'm happy. And healthy. My husband loves me. And I have given birth to three children for God's sake! That skin around your belly isn't so forgiving after the third kid, [Friend]. It's like it just gives up. It says "Screw it, I'm just going to spread out and get comfortable." And don't even get me started on the boobies. We're talking a whole different level of depression that hasn't even been discovered yet. I totally need some new ones. Sigh.

So yeah. I totally just admitted to you that I am afraid to go to the reunion because I am fat and care too much about what people think. I'm such a loser.

So how have you been?


Good Lord. I need to be banned from FB. It's a wonder I had any friends in High School at all....

Monday, July 20, 2009

Monday Confessional

Bloggers forgive me, for I have sinned.

  • I realized last week that I have an unforgivable amount of Nickelback on my iPod.
  • I watch Big Brother. And I love it.
  • In the spirit of the budget, I have been buying the store brand Mac & Cheese. (And guess what? My family prefers it to Kraft!!)
  • One of my friends recently announced she is pregnant. And for a brief moment I felt a teeny tiny bit of jealousy.
  • I love the movie Center Stage. And Ubes can always make me smile by looking me in the eyes and saying "Just dance it."
  • I think Rupert Grint is a little bit sexy. (Please don't call the police.)
  • One of my new favorite shows is Whale Wars. It's got me rethinking how I feel about environmental issues.
  • I am scared to death that I am not being the best mom I can be.
  • I cried yesterday when I read Frank McCourt died.
  • I'm thinking about giving up the blog. The Boy found it and I feel really exposed. Not sure how I will proceed from here...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Pimping Someone Else's Blog

You have to read this post. And if you don't think it's funny, you're a weirdo and we can't be friends anymore. The end.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Ick Factor

I don't really like blogging about work. It all comes down to the fear of getting caught talking crap about people behind their backs. Are you with me on this?

But lately?? Lately, I have had a few experiences that just have to be shared with the masses. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get all this junk in my head out of my head. I need to purge it in order to get over it. It's my way of building a bridge, you know?

Working with the public is a crazy thing. I have been subjected to a variety of disgusting behaviors from total strangers. Like the guy who coughed in my face one day. Or the lady who has not showered since 1982. Or the girl who was high on meth and had thrown up all over her shirt and decided to lay across the top of my desk. Or the man who consistently picks his nose in the drive thru and has passed me a booger on more than one occasion.

Sigh.

So yesterday this guy came in to my office with a raging case of pink eye.

And I have no idea what possessed him to think it was okay to go out in public with this condition, and I realize I am not a medical professional, but I feel very comfortable in saying that it is never appropriate to invade the personal space of another human being whilst oozing highly contagious infectious fluid from your eyes. Furthermore, wiping said oozing infectious fluid with your hand and then placing your hands on the desks of others? Also inappropriate.

But the most inappropriate of all? Questioning my hesitation to allow him to use my phone, pen or other office supplies. Seriously dude? Have you looked in the mirror?? Do the world a favor and see a freaking doctor, stat!

Needless to say, as soon as he exited the building, I busted out the Clorox wipes and began scrubbing like a Ritalin addicted housewife.

And then I was ready for the next customer....

Now, I realize it is hot out outside. It is summer in Arizona which is equal to sitting within the pits of hell. And it must be difficult being a truck driver and having to sit for such long periods of time in excruciating weather conditions. However, I think with a little brainstorming, one can come up with a few ideas for better places in which to store their cash.

Pulling a stack of bills out of the front pocket of your jeans and handing it to me without even the tiniest amount of shame and no apology for the dampness is not really working for me. Handling a wad of money soaked in crotch sweat doesn't really add to the quality of my day, you know? I am a big fan of wallets. And some men have had huge success with the satchel. I wouldn't even bat an eyelash over a ziploc bag. Anything to keep a barrier between the sweat glands in your nether regions and my precious fingertips would be great. Mmmkay?

So you can imagine that after those two customers back to back, I was in serious need of a Silkwood shower. And then maybe a half hour or so marinating in the anti-chlamydia gel our home office was kind enough to send us during the swine flu scare.

Good God, people are disgusting.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Catching Up

It's the beginning of a new week and I am currently in between loads of laundry so let's take a moment to get caught up, shall we?

It's 9:09 PM and I am eating a baked potato for dinner. Smothered in butter, cheese and sour cream. It's like a little heart attack in a bowl and I am enjoying it thoroughly. But someone needs to revive Katie, I am pretty sure she just passed out from disapproval.

Ubes is still not home from work. Sigh. He texted me an hour ago and said he still probably has another couple of hours to go. I texted him back and asked if he was doing it with his boss because that was just not going to work for me. I mean if they are going to mess around, I personally think she should have to do his laundry too, don't you? It's only fair. But he assured me he is not because he really likes the way I fluff and fold. Wink wink. Plus he's too exhausted and she doesn't look cute today. Ha ha, Ubes! You're a funny guy.

We had such a great weekend. My mom and dad had the kids so we were kid free starting last Wednesday. It was awesome. We saw three movies (The Hangover - HILARIOUS; Bruno - Funny but with lots of wiener; and Public Enemies - I dozed off many times during this movie and did not miss a thing, it was AWFUL), had dinner with friends, made more plans for our cruise in September, and just over all enjoyed each other's company. But of course we missed our babies desperately. A quiet house is overrated.

We celebrated my FIL's birthday yesterday. Can I just tell you how lucky I am to have this amazing man in my life? He rescued me twice last week when my car battery died and it was 115 degrees outside. Then he drove up north with me to drop off the kids at my mom's since Ubes hates it when I drive up there alone. I had the best time talking to him during the drive up and back. It's funny how life turns out, you know? My mother was a single mom while I was growing up. The closest thing I had to a father was Mike Brady and Charles Ingalls. I was so envious of Half Pint and those Brady kids for their dads. And then when I was thirteen, my mom married the greatest guy in the world. And when I got married, Ubes' dad was part of the deal. So now here I am with two! God really gives you what you ask for, you know?

And speaking of getting what you ask for.... The Boy is growing increasingly uncomfortable each day as he anticipates my retaliation. This is the best part. Watching him squirm every day, wondering what I will do. I laugh as he checks his chair before he sits down, scans his desk before he starts his computer up, smells his water bottle before he takes a sip... It's hilarious. But it's coming... Soon he will start to receive some mail. At home and at work. Although I did conveniently have stuff sent to his neighbors "by accident." Nothing big. Just some reading material on how to live with erectile dysfunction. And maybe some other stuff.... And when he is off on Thursday, I may just tell his clients he had an allergic reaction to his Valtrex prescription.... We'll see...

Hell hath no fury like a woman punked...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

It's War

After three glorious days hanging out with my family, I am back at work. Sigh.

I came in this morning to a few surprises. It seems my coworker, The Boy, has been a mischievous little monkey. Apparently he did not have enough to do to keep him busy in my absence.

All the keys on my keyboard have been switched around. My chair height has been adjusted. And my stapler is missing!

Even worse, a picture of my precious son Mac in his baseball uniform has been violated. Now there is a cartoon bubble above his head that says "My mom smells like cabbage and beef jerky . . . and she beats us."

Does it stop there??? Oh no my friends. It most certainly does not. Please observe the following conversation:

Client (sympathetically): Welcome back.
Me: Thank you. I needed those few days off.
Client: I know, I heard.
Me: (staring thoughtfully and thinking "What is up with this guy?")
Client: Are you feeling better?
Me: Um, yeah... I wasn't sick, I just took a few vacation days.
Client: I know. I know it's really sad. But I can't believe that was the only thing on TV that day. I mean you would think it was a president or something.
Me (completely confused): Uuuuummmm..... I'm sorry, what are we talking about?
Client: The funeral.
Me (even more completely confused): What funeral?
Client (staring at me surprised): For Michael Jackson.
Me: Uuuuuuhhh . . . yeah. Sad. Were you a big fan?
Client: Well not as big as you, but you know . . .
Me (interrupting): Wait. What? What are we talking about here?
Client: Michael Jackson. The Boy told me you were really upset and had to take a couple of days to mourn him.
Me: Oh he did, did he...
Client: And you wanted to be able to watch the services all day.
Me (raising my eyebrows): Uh-huh.
Client: No?
Me (shaking head): Nope.
Client: Did you even watch it?
Me: Dude. Not even a fan.
Client: Wow. I guess he got you pretty good.
Me: Yeah. We'll see...

Oh and we will see.

First of all, switching my keys around? Funny. That is a good one and I will have to remember to use that myself one day. I hate it when people mess with my chair, we all know that. But it was easily fixed this time and I enjoyed the laugh. And knowing he did it just because I was so irritated last time? Well, I was a little touched.

Telling people I was devastated over the death of MJ? Borderline slanderous, but still funny. I can even find the humor in the insinuation that I beat my children. I actually laughed out loud when I read that.

HOWEVER..... Accusing me of smelling like cabbage and beef jerky? That, my friend, is crossing the line. Totally UNACCEPTABLE! Listen here Mr. Pranky McPrankster. How dare you insinuate I do not smell like a mixture of citrus, fresh flowers and heaven. You have NO idea who you are messing with kid. I will take you down to China Town. It is so on.

My advice to The Boy: You better sleep with one eye open, dude. This will not end until one of us is hospitalized. And it's not gonna be me.

Believe that.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Not the Usual Monday

Guess who doesn't have to go back to work until Thursday?? And guess who slept in until 8:23 this morning? And guess who is so excited to just be home and hang out and clean stuff not have to get up and put on heels and dress clothes and make up and all that stuff and can just hang out in her jammies all day every day until Thursday??

So I am so excited. I haven't even been out of my bed for an hour and already I have unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it, thrown a load of laundry in the washer, folded the stuff in the dryer, cleaned two toilets and a bathtub and got all caught up on People.com. I am Queen of Efficiency today.

So I can't spend a whole lot of time catching up with y'all today. I still have to strip the beds, clean two more toilets, throw another load of laundry in and color my hair before I take Junior to his play date in two hours. Yikes. But thank you Jesus for allowing me to wake up full of energy this morning. And thank you to the maker's of diet Pepsi for your efforts in that area as well.

Life is good.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Safari

Last night we had a family barbecue to wish my MIL bon voyage, she left this morning for an African safari. Boo is scared to death she is going to be eaten by lion, bitten by a snake . . . or infected with bulimia.

"Boo, baby, it's malaria," I tell her, trying not to laugh.
"Whatever," she says through her tears.

So anyhoo, there was a huge spread - hamburgers, hot dogs and chicken from the grill, chips and dips, macaroni salad, fruit. I was starving after a long day and no lunch. I haven't had a hot dog in ages, I thought to myself. That looks good!

I fixed myself a plump, juicy hot dog, grabbed a drink and sat at the table with my MIL and SIL, while Ubes, FIL and BIL sat around the TV watching a tribute to Billy Mays. Seriously.

Just as I took my first bite of my hot dog, FIL came to check on us girls to see if we needed anything.

"How do you like that hot dog?" he asked. Like most men, FIL needs some positive feedback on his grilling skillz.

"It's delicious," I told him with my mouth full.

"Yeah?" he said, smiling proudly. "It's buffalo."

I immediately stopped chewing.

"Huh?"

"It's buffalo. I got them at Costco. It's the leanest meat you can buy . . . blah blah blah . . ."

At that point I almost blacked out. The only thing keeping me from passing out was the thought of choking to death on a mouth full of buffalo-dog. That is so not the way I wanna go out, you know?

"Oh FIL, why did you tell me that?? I wish you had never told me that. Why didn't you wait until I finished?"

"What, you don't like it? You just said it was delicious."

"That's when I didn't know it was buffalo. I don't want to know what it is. It's bad enough that it's a hot dog!"

"So now you're not going to eat it?" He laughed.

"Hell no!" I told him.

"Chicken."

"No, buffalo. That's the problem."

I tried to feed it to the dog. She wouldn't take it. What does that tell you? I mean, she licks her own butt for crying out loud.