Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Uberman Conspiracy

So for about an hour and twenty minutes today I was 98% sure Uberman had been kidnapped. Or his phone had been stolen. Which is just as bad and would piss me off royally because it's brand new, like one week old, and he just had to have some fancy phone that costs seventy bajillion dollars and then wouldn't let me get one too. Rude. But I was definitely leaning more towards the kidnapped idea only because he also did not respond to an email I sent him asking if he had been kidnapped. Again - RUDE!

At about 1:00 this afternoon I received a very cryptic text from him. It was just a phone number. A phone number not belonging to either of us or anyone we know. Weird, right? So I texted him back.

What is this? Whose number is this? Why are you texting me a phone number?

And I waited. No response. I sent another text a few minutes later.

"What's up with this number?"


Okay. Hmmmmm.... Why would he text me a random phone number? Maybe he was trying to text it to someone else and he sent it to me by mistake? Maybe he wants me to call him at this number? Maybe it's a clue?? Oh My GOD. Maybe he has been kidnapped and this is the number of his attacker or the place where they are hiding him!

I sent him another text.

Babe. Are you okay? Where are you? Have you been kidnapped? Taken against your will??

Nothing. No response. Which only added to my certainty that he had indeed been kidnapped and of course was unable to respond because he was all blind folded and tied up and the kidnappers had taken his bajillion dollar phone and were using it to play Bejeweled. Which duh, I totally would too. But still.

Or maybe his phone was just dead? So I called it. It rang 4 times and went to voice mail. Which proved it was not dead because when the phone is dead it doesn't ring, the call just goes to voice mail. Ha ha HA!! I totally should have been a detective.

I called the number he texted me. And while it rang I tried to think of what I would say if someone answered.

"Hi, um . . . I am not sure . . . but I think you have kidnapped my husband and he is stashed in your trunk . . . and um . . . we have no money for ransom but I suppose I could give you his new phone and a gently used Coach purse, but only the ugly one I never use anymore, and I think there may be a half eaten bag of M&M's in there and you can totally have those too, just . . . um . . . please give me my husband back?? Kaythanksbye."

Or... If someone answered I could just hang up?

But instead, I got one of those automated messages from the wireless carrier telling me they were out of service range.

Oh just great. They are taking him to the mountains or something. This is so not good. Because first of all he is not a camper. I mean at all. And secondly, he is allergic to trees and stuff. And third, he really hates it when he can't watch ESPN. And I highly doubt this compound in the forrest has cable. He's gonna be so pissed.

But.... What if he hasn't been kidnapped and his phone is just in the car?? Which has totally happened in the past and once again, is just plain rude. He should at least be able to respond to an email. So I sent this email:

You sent me a strange text and now you are not responding to me and you know how I am. So now I am thinking you are kidnapped and that is the phone number of your attacker. So I called it and it said the Cricket customer you are trying to reach is unavailable. So what the heck? Are you okay? Are you kid-nap-id? Because oh my god babe I just can't handle this so close to the holidays and you haven't helped me put up the tree yet and I can't lift it by myself. Plus you promised you were going to get the ladder from the garage when you saw me climbing over the bannister to get on the plant shelf thingy but you still haven't brought it in and now how am I going to plug in the lights and garland on the bannister without the ladder after you forbade me from climbing on the plant shelf thingy ever again?? I mean, dude, seriously. So, if you could schedule your kidnappings for a more convenient time that would be great. Thanks.

Okay, if he doesn't respond in a few minutes it definitely means he has been kidnapped. So I waited. And waited. And usually when I send him a bunch of texts and a crazy email he gets back to me right away because he knows my imagination runs wild and I will just keep texting/calling/emailing until the cows come home.

But no. Nothing. It's been like an hour since the last text he sent me. He could be half way to Flagstaff by now. And Flagstaff sucks.

I texted him again:

Babe. Seriously. This is not funny. Where are you?


Ube R. Man!! You better text me back like PRONTO or I am gonna sound so stupid calling the police for a maybe missing person. And you know how I hate to look bad.

Five minutes or so go by. And then, my phone vibrates on the counter. Finally, a text from him!

I'm ok.

Ummmmm . . .  really?? That's it?? After all that, this is the text I get back?? WTF?

And then I thought, maybe it's his attacker! He took a break from playing Bejeweled and is trying to pass off a text like it's from Ubes, sort of throw me off the trail. Well I am not falling for that. I am on to you, kidnapper!

I text him back.

Really? You are okay? What's the password? 

Two seconds later:

(Secret Password)(Of course I can't reveal the secret password because, duh, then everyone will know it and next time he gets kidnapped for real, the kidnappers can trick me! Always thinking ahead my friends, always thinking ahead.)


You scared the crap out of me. What was with the phone number?


You are funny Babe. I saw a really nice El Camino for sale. I wanted to make sure I had the phone number so I can call on it later.

Uuuuuuummmmmmmm?????? WHAT?????

Now let's sit here and count how many things are wrong with this situation.

1. EL CAMINO??? Like, for real?? FOR REAL??? 
2. I was planning to pay his ransom with his new phone, an ugly used Coach purse and a half eaten bag of M&M's. EL CAMINO??? Are you kidding me??
3. Stop wasting my text message inbox with your junk! I am not a secretary!
4. You have two unfinished project cars in the garage.
5. El Camino?????????????

So let me tell you all a little something. The moral of the story here is this -  If he comes home with an El Camino, he is going to wish he had been kidnapped. The end.


Andrea said...

I have the same imaginiation. If I can't get a hold of someone, I have them plastered on the side of the road within 20 mintues. I am glad he is ok and totally agree with you on the car. I know about project cars all too well. :)

Sue said...

My God April, I think we are twins from different parent!





I swear, sometimes reading your posts is like a glimpse into my own brain. Scary, Girlfriend, really scary.

Anonymous said...

This actually made me laugh out loud!

DevilsHeaven said...

I could feel your anxiety through the computer!!! I know how you feel. And if his phone is that fancy, he should have been able to save the number in notes or as an unsent text or something. Instead of freaking out his wife.