Doc: So what brings you in today?
Me (whispering): I have a rash.
Doc: Why are you whispering?
Me: Because rashes freak people out.
Doc: But we are the only two people in the room.
Me: I know, but still.
Doc: So when did it start?
Me: A few weeks ago. But then I showed it to my mom and MIL on Thanksgiving and they totally freaked me out and then I looked up rashes on Web MD and now I am convinced it's something really bad and I'm gonna die.
Doc (shaking head and sighing): April, stop looking at Web MD. I know I have talked to you about this before.
Me: Oh come on! You have a million patients! How do you know we have talked about this before? You could have told anyone that!
Doc: Because I specifically remember the last time you were here two years ago you thought you had throat cancer because of Web MD and it was just strep.
Me: So. That's a common mistake, right?
Doc: And then I told you it was strep and you inisisted it was Bird Flu.
Me: Whatever. You are confusing me with someone else.
Doc: Stop looking at Web MD. Okay?
Me: Do you want to see my rash or what?
Doc: Let's see it.
Me (lifting my sleeve): See, it started under my arm, but now it's on my legs and belly.
Doc (bending closer): Hmmmmm...
Me (raising voice): What does that mean?? Hmmmmm? Oh my God. Is it cancer? It's cancer, isn't it?? Web MD said it might be. Am I going to need chemo? Will I lose my hair? Because my friend Sarah is going to invite me to a hair party and I think I want to grow it out because I am so sick of this style and I really want it a little longer, not shorter. Not non existent. And wigs are just so yuck. But I do look pretty awesome in a hat. But still, I like having hair. Oh my God, this is awful. What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Doc: I think you are overreacting.
Me: That's because you don't know my friend Sarah and you haven't seen her hair. It's fabulous. Like, amazingly fabulous. If you saw it you would totally understand why I need to go to this hair party. Are you on Facebook? I could send you a picture.
Doc: I think you're going to live. It's just a rash.
Me: Really? Just a rash?? So how did I get it?
Doc: Hard to say. Have you recently changed detergents?
Doc: Bath soap?
Doc: Fabric Softener?
Me: No. I don't like change. I tend to be pretty brand loyal.
Doc: Well, it could be from an animal. A pet.
Me: I don't have any pets.
Doc: Sometimes you can get rashes from the gym. Sharing towels and stuff. Dirty gym equipment.
Me: Do I look like I go to the gym?
Doc: Well then there's no way to tell where you got it. I'm going to give you a topical steroid for the inflamation. And a pretty strong antihistamine for the itching. It will help you sleep at night without all the scratching.
Me: Wow. How did you know I was scratching at night? You're like a soothsayer or something.
Doc: Um no, I can see marks from your fingernails.
Me: Oh. Am I contagious? You know Uberman is going to freak out. He's kind of a germaphobe.
Doc: Don't you think that's the pot calling the kettle black?
Me: Whatever dude. Whose side are you on?
Doc: (shakes head)
Me: Can we tell him I'm allergic to my birth control and the only cure is for him to get a vasectomy?
Doc: Um, you are on your own there honey.
Me: Seriously? You aren't going to help me out here?
Doc: I'm going to give you medication to help clear up your rash. This antihistamine is no joke. Take it only at night and don't drive or operate heavy machinery after you take it.
Me: Heavy machinery? Seriously? Does a Kitchen Aid mixer count? Because I am having a party on Saturday and I need to bake.
Doc (rolling eyes): Bye April. I'll see you in two weeks if it doesn't clear up. (Turns to leave the room)
Me: If? What do you mean if? Why wouldn't it clear up? Oh my God. Could it be more than a rash? Are you not telling me something? Hello??
Doc: Bye April.
Nurse: Here are your prescriptions. The doctor would like to know if you need one for anti-anxiety as well?
Me: No. Why would he say that?
Nurse (smiling): What about Uberman? Do you think he needs something?
Me: You people think you are so funny. All high and mighty in your scrubs and lab coats. Whatever. Do you hear me? Whatever!
Nurse: Happy Holidays April! Hope your rash clears up.
Me: Oh now you're just being mean.