Thursday, December 10, 2009

10 Christmas songs that make me want to throw myself over the freeway overpass....

If, at some point during this Holiday Season, you see my guts splattered all over the Loop 101 Freeway, this is why:

1. O Holy Night by Josh Groban - I don't know what it is about Josh. I am just not a fan. And the "holiday station" we have here in Phoenix plays this song at least once every 5 minutes. O Holy Something Else. Enough already.

2. Feliz Navidad by Celine Dion - I am sorry but there is something wrong with an over dramatic French Canadian belting out a song in Spanish. Frankly, it pisses me off.

3. Merry Christmas Darling by The Carpenters - I have hated this song since I was child. Why does she sing so slowly and over anunciate every word? Is it the lack of nutrition? The lack of energy? Whatever it is, I will starve myself right here and now if I never have to hear that song again. (I know. I'm totally going to hell for making anorexia jokes. Not funny.)

4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Jessica Simpson - Obviously this was recorded when she still thought she was so cute. I can't stand how she doesn't pronounce the "r" sound in beard. Makes me want to sceam.

5. Sleigh Ride by Debbie Gibson - "It's Deborah Gibson, by the way." Thank you Ubes. I don't care if it's Debbie, Deborah, Deb or Dumb Dumb. She killed this song for me.

6. Happy Xmas by John Lennon & the Plastic Ono Band - You know that part in the chorus where you can hear Yoko whining singing "A very Merry Christmuuusssss, and a Happy New Yearrrrrrrr...." Well, I just figured out a few years ago that was her. That's how dumb I am. All this time I thought he had gotten like a bus load of special needs kids and invited them into the studio. Seriously, how did he think she was a good singer?

7. Caroling, Caroling by Natalie Cole - This song gets stuck in you head like a tumor. Ding Dong, Ding Dong! Somebody pass the Tylenol.

8. Favorite Time of Year by Kenny Rogers - It's everyone's favorite time Kenny. Get over yourself. Go back to your card game and leave Christmas to those who know it best - Bing Crosby, Andy Williams and the lovely boys of Wham. Thank you for your cooperation.

9. Christmas Time is Here by The Peanuts Gang - Is it just me or is this the most depressing song ever? All sad and melancholy. Whenever I hear it I want to start popping prozac. And then go skating on the thinnest ice covering a lake in the middle of no where. All alone. 

10. Joy to the World by Mariah Carey - It's just too much. Too over the top. Too loud. Too much screeching. Too much choir. Too Las Vegas or something. I find no joy. None.

And just relax, tomorrow I will be doing my list of songs that make me want to dance around in a Santa suit mini dress and go go boots. (Dude, if you're going to shake your ass in a Santa suit mini dress you have to have the boots. And fishnets. Duh.)(Does Spanx make a fishnet? Anyone?)(Oh you know I am so looking that up right now on The Google.)


Julie said...

Number one on my list right now is "Last Christmas" by Wham. Seriously, whoever thought it was a good idea for Wham to put out a Christmas album should be drug out in the street and shot. This isn't even a real Christmas song.

Kristi said...

This list is so freakin good, there is no way I could ever top it - even in my most sarcastic mood. Clap clap clap - brava!

Anonymous said...

Ditto Kristi's remarks. This needs to be on Letterman's top 10!!!

DevilsHeaven said...

I don't think the ALL CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME station in my hood plays ANY of these songs. And now, I'm kinda glad about that.

Sue said...

Once again, dear April, you have proven to the rest of us why YOU are the Queen. Of everything.

This list was PERFECT!

Karen R said...

This sounds like an anger management issue. Bah humbug. I know what you mean about the Phx station, though. They play the worst Christmas music. The Cali station plays awesome music. I'm singing to / from work each day whether I like it or not.

Stacey said...

No surprise here, I agree with every one of your choices. But I could have EASILY done a list of 20 instead of just 10. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul my ears off awful. "Deck the Halls" by SheDaisy...SheShitty. "Santa's Beard" by The Beach Boys...Lean a little closer and I'll rip that beard off your face.

PS - Can you tell that I'm not "feeling" Christmas, yet?

Heather said...

Is it tomorrow yet?