Monday, November 9, 2009

My Dream Jobs

I ranted last week about how I should have been a teacher. There are a lot of things I should have been. Thin with big boobs and a faster metabolism would have been great, but whatever.

I have not had many jobs in my life. I've only worked for four different companies. I guess because I am not big on change. I've been a waitress. Sucked at it. It's the eye roll slash loud exhale thing I've got going on. A file clerk, which I was really good at because I knew my ABC's. But I have poor time management skills and was often sitting in other people's offices talking about shoes. I've been a quality analyst, which was awesome because anal is part of the word analyst and I can be super anal. And I'm a rule follower. Rocked the Q/A job. I've been a corporate trainer, which I supremely kicked ass at. Partly because of my girl and partner in crime Kristen. We were so much fun. Kristen, we totally should have taken that show on the road. We would be famous by now! Why didn't we do that? Anyway, ahem... I was a stay at home mom. Which was awesome but the pay and the hours suck. I've processed loans, been an office manager, and a property manager. And my current job? Too boring to discuss, other than my occasional interaction with various weirdos from the public. I get paid to count things. And not that much.

But seriously, is there anyone, besides Oprah, doing what they love? What they want? What they were meant to do? 

In the amazing film, High Fidelity, our guy John Cusack makes a list of his dream jobs. It's such a great list, with specific time frames and everything. I have a list like that. It is as follows:

Top Five Dream Jobs - by April

1. Writer for In Style Magazine - Writing about fashion? Feature stories on fun girly stuff? With the occasional celebrity interview? Oh my, sign me up! (Of course I know me, and I would never be satisfied with just writing. I'd want to be an editor too. I like to have an opinion. I like to be in charge.)

2. Party/Event Planner - There is nothing I love more in this whole entire world! I LOVE planning a party. Any kind of a party. Baby shower, bridal shower, birthday, holiday, housewarming, Superbowl, Tupperware, I Just Felt Like Throwing A Party, whatever. I love planning everything from the little details like the lighting, the seating arrangements, the favors and decorations, to the big stuff like the food, the activities and the guest list. I am in the process of planning my Hunko Drunko Bunco Redux right now. If I could do this and actually get paid for it?? Heaven.

3. Correspondent for the E Network - That Giuliana Rancic pisses me off. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but dude, I so want her job. I could sit there all high and mighty and dish celebrity dirt all day. I could totally stand for hours on the red carpet and ask people what designer they were wearing. I am really good at talking to people. And about people. I could so be Giuliana.

4. Novelist - How cool would it be to write books all day? And be successful at it? And be paid real actual money for people to read your stuff? To sit around in your bathrobe with your fingers glued to the laptop? Actually, I think I did this when I was a stay home mom. But I didn't get paid. And I was constantly interupted to wipe a nose or an ass. So yeah, without the nose and ass wiping, this is a dream job.

5. English/Lit/Creative Writing Teacher - Because teaching people the difference between your and you're, to and too, they're, their and there?? This is actually making the world a better place. I love correcting people. It's a gift. And I love to read, I love to talk about books. Hell, I just love to talk. I might actually do this one someday. I should totally do this. Why am I not doing this?? I think I want to go back to school....

So there you have it. My dream jobs. They might not be your dreams, but that's okay. I'll take them over counting any day.


Stacey said...


Party/Event Planner (as long as I didn't have to work nights or weekends)
Personal Shopper
Marketing Head Honcho
Stay at home mom (after Abbey starts kindergarten)

kristen s said...

Why didn't we take our kick-ass show on the road, April? The one people should have paid money to see, but instead were paid to ATTEND? Why? WHY? I'll tell you why - BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME! High and dry, I might add. Right in the middle of a class if I remember correctly - and you never came back! Something about pregnancy and blood pressure being too high... blah, blah, blah. What do you think happened to MY blood pressure when that stupid class was handed over to me to teach ALL BY MYSELF!?! Don't even get me started on the classes that came after that one that you weren't even aware of...I've still got PTSD!

That kid of yours had better be glad he's cute because it's all his fault that you left me! I plan to have a word with him the next time I see him. Not that, you know... I'm bitter or anything. I just want to ask him what he thought he was doing making you leave without any notice like that. I don't care if he's cute and has blue eyes and dimples... IT JUST WASN'T A NICE THING TO DO!!!

Anyhoo... I'm totally over it (sort of). Okay, fine. If the Spice Girls get back together, I can join as the chubby new member: Bitter Spice. Whatever.

You WOULD make a kick ass awesome English Lit teacher though, April... AND a novelist. What the heck are you waiting for? The youth of America needs you. Go back to school! (And keep working on that novel in your spare time -- you know -- when you're supposed to be sleeping ;)

chandy said...

No time like the present, dear April...

Kristi said...

I have been an Event Planner - and most of the work is evenings and weekends!! :D

Mine are:

Rock Star
Tour Manager
Photographer (working on this one)

WILLIAM said...

See most of your dream jobs are writing of some sort. You really should try to write.

The Maid said...

My dream job is where I do whatever the hell I want whenever I want...and they mail me a check...a big one.


So, where to find something like