Saturday, November 7, 2009

Jack Frost is a douche.

(I realize today I had promised the much anticipated post about jobs. I know, I can feel your disappointment seeping throught the internet. However, I felt the need to share my misery with you all instead. So quit your complaining. Because I am really too cold to care at this point.)

I'm at work right now. On a Saturday. I know, right? Banker's hours my big fat cottage cheese dimpled ass. And it's freezing in here. I am drinking hot chocolate while I watch an icicle form from my nose. And it's still not stopping my teeth from chattering.

Seriously. These are unbareable working conditions. This is Arizona for crying out loud. The hot place, remember? It's supposed to be in the upper 80's today. My kids are still wearing shorts to school. And I'm all bundled up, shaking and shivering, INDOORS.

This would be acceptable if I . . . .

. . . were feeding penguins or polar bears in a refrigerated habitat.

. . . were driving the zamboni.

. . . had a fat bearded guy in a red suit barking at me to add more curly ribbon.

 . . . were wearing a white coat and sending beef carcasses through a table saw. (But I would never do this because - hello??? White coat??? So not flattering.)

. . . were treating smelly mountain climbers for windburn and altitude sickness. (Again, wouldn't do this. Not a nurse. Or a fan of smelly mountain climbers.)

. . . were an Ice Road Trucker. (Which I would totally kick ass at. Except I wouldn't be able to park the truck. I suck at parking. Oh, and driving. Maybe I wouldn't kick ass at this.)

. . . were on board the Steve Irwin shouting "Hey Nisshin Maru! Whaling ends today!"

But no. I am not doing any of those things. I am sitting in a bank in Arizona freezing my bootie off. I'm ten blue fingers away from building a fire with my post it notes.

Wonder what the dress code says about Snuggies.... With the right accessories and maybe some boots, I could totally pull that off.

Oh. My. God. I am pretty sure I can see my breath...

And the radio station just started playing Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall." It's like my own little frozen version of hell. Awesome. What's next? They're going start requiring us to wear a uniform consisting of stirrup pants? How much can one person take???


Kristi said...

NOOOOOOOOO! NO STIRUP PANTS for the love of God!

Stacey said...

That would be such a great title for a modern Christmas carol.