Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Howdy, peeps! Sorry to disappoint you... but this is NOT the Queen. I am her lowly servant person, Kristen S. Since April is happily floating on a cruise liner in the Caribbean Sea somewhere, sipping Bahama Mamas with Uberman and undoubtedly coming up with new and entertaining blog fare at this very moment, she asked me to blog-sit. You know....check in, make sure it has plenty of food and water, keep the bad guys away by making the place look 'lived in'... maybe tell it a story so it won't get too lonely....that kind of thing. I'm not sure what kind of crack I smoked came over me and made me agree to do this. I've been racking my brain for DAYS trying to think of something to write, but keep coming up with zilch. nada. zipparooney. I just keep asking myself, "Why? Why did you do this to yourself, Kristen? You're a follower, not a leader. A servant, not a queen. A commenter, not a BLOGGER!" These questions are swimming in my head along with many others, clogging up much needed brain space. So, I thought it might be wise -- maybe even therapeutic -- to share some of the other questions I have floating in my head this very minute, and possibly use my blog-sitting time to help work through some of this garbage. How efficient am I? Okay, here, in no particular order, are a few of the other "Why's" I happen to be pondering right now:

  • WHY can't I pick a decent piece of fruit to save my life? I try to buy healthy food, but I completely suck at picking fruit. And I'm not talking about actually 'picking' fruit - like off a tree. I mean at the grocery store, where all of it *should* at least be decent, right? I have a knack for picking the mealy apple, the sour grapes, the pineapple that is already half rotten, the banana with a big brown spot in the middle that my 4 year old gets all gagged on because he's certain there's "poop" in it.... Let me tell you something, people... ANYTHING made by Hostess, Entenmann's or my personal friend Little Debbie will NEVER disappoint you like that. I blame nature for my big ass. If fruit was that dependable, I'd eat more of it.
  • Speaking of nature, WHY does your skin have to get bad when 'Aunt Flo' comes to visit? Is the rest of that experience not awful enough? Yes, by all means nature, make me break out like a pubescent boy too! These cramps, bloating, and frequent 'diaper' changes weren't quite sockin' it to me enough! It'll be like the cherry (probably a rotten one if I picked it) on top of my crap sundae!
  • WHY does just about every driver on the road (other than myself, of course) completely suck? Seriously, how did so many of these people even pass the driving test? And have you ever noticed that people seem to drive the same way they walk? Trust me, if you want to pick out the sucky people to avoid on the road, head to a mall and walk around a bit. It's like a science experiment. Someone should do a study. There are the ones just there to mosey... who somehow manage to take up the entire walkway and walk like they've got 48 whole hours to waste before completing the journey from Macy's to Nordstrom. These are the people who, when driving, completely block you from passing, but drive under the speed limit for annoyingly long distances...probably with their turn signal on. Then you've also got your pushy, gotta be first "I heard there's only one more Clinique bonus left and it's gonna be MINE dammit!" people who will take down a small child to get where they need to be. On the road, they are the ones who pass you so fast your car shakes and you wonder to yourself where the hell all the police in the world are because that person CLEARLY needs a ticket more than you did when you got busted by photo radar. Every other annoying driver can be spotted at the mall too (including the dreaded nose pickers)....just by watching their walk. Really... go check it out some time. It will fascinate and annoy you simultaneously.
  • WHY is it that when you actually take time to fix your hair, put on makeup and wear something halfway flattering, you will see NO ONE you've ever known or who would possibly give a crap how you look? Yet, when you go out looking like Haggy McHaggerson, you're somehow sure to run into an old boyfriend or the mean girl from school who used to make fun of your fake OP shorts your mom used to buy at Montgomery Ward in the 'husky girl' section and sew the OP on herself because she was too cheap to buy the real ones, plus you were too chubby for them anyway. And when I say "you" I really mean "me".. because this is what happens to me ALL THE TIME!
  • WHY do teenage girls have to suck so bad? And dress like hoochies? And give you the 'up and down' while you're talking to them? I'm telling you, my daughter, who used to be the cutest thing you've ever seen, turned into a snarling wolverine about two years ago, and doesn't show ANY sign of becoming normal again. I've been told by many that when this "phase" is over, she'll see the light of day and appreciate her family again... but so far I'm not buyin' it. I plan on being one HELL of a jerky old lady one day to get her back.
  • WHY don't I live anywhere near a Sonic? I happened to be near one a couple of months ago and tried April's favorite Diet Coke with vanilla and it was HEAVEN. I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing, people. Now, I really, really, really need another one, and I don't have one near me! Can someone PLEASE open up a Sonic in the North Scottsdale area? It would be a huge hit! I know one chubby chick with a minivan who would probably be there every single day gettin' her drink on! Possibly with a side of tater tots! *ahem*... just a friend of mine, of course. I'm know... actually talking about myself or anything....
  • WHY doesn't Beyonce realize her name should actually be pronounced "Bay-Wunce"? Seriously! Look how it's spelled! My husband pointed this out to me one day and now I can't call her anything else. I know she thinks "Bee-Yon-Say" packs a bigger "star" punch and all, but to me it's kind of like pronouncing Target as "Tar-Jay" to make it sound fancier. You can do it all you want, but in the end, it's still just Target. Get over yourself, "Bay-Wunce".
  • Speaking of name pronunciation, WHY am I the only one who cracks up like an 8 year old boy when I hear the name Albert Pujols? I realize he's a baseball superstar and all, but his name is pronounced "Poo-Holes"!!! HOW do others not hear it? HA HA HA HA HA!!! Okay, so I'm a tad immature....
  • And finally, WHY has Chris O'Donnel not realized we were meant to be together and friended me on FB? We're soul mates, Chris! I know it! Send me a friend request... I PROMISE I'll accept it. Then, we can start making plans for the beautiful house we will buy right next to a Sonic where we can sip Diet Coke with vanilla and trash talk Beyonce (you know you totally just read it as "Bay-Wunce") together. It'll be perfect. Mmmmkay? Now just get rid of that skank you call a wife and everything will be fine!

Hello? Still there? Is anyone still even reading this at all? This doesn't even BEGIN to cover ALL of the questions in my head right now, but I think I've made you all suffer enough. April might get kind of T.O.'d if she gets back to her blog and finds that people have been throwing eggs, tomatoes and bags of dog doodie that are on fire in her absence to show their irritation with her sucky excuse for a substitute. And I don't want her mad at me because I'm REALLY hoping she'll go to dinner with me again sometime soon. Plus, you never know.. it's possible that she met Chris O'Donnel on her cruise and told him all kinds of nice things about me and is planning to give him my phone number when she gets back. I can't do anything to jeopardize my chances, people, so please -- no hate mail. Yikes! What just whizzed by my head? What that a tomato? Okay, okay! I'm outta here! SHEESH!


Marie said...

Hilarious, even if your not the QUEEN

Leigh7880 said...

Kristen - I agree with April - START A BLOG! I'll read it, I promise. Even though I don't know you. And you don't know me. You still make me laugh.

The Maid said...

For someone who didn't know where to start...that was quite a ride. :)

Go Kristen! ;)

May we party at the Queens again soon!

The Maid

kristen s said...

Dear Chris O'Donnell (with two "L's" at the end): PLEASE forgive me for spelling your last name wrong. I have never been more ashamed! You see, I was more than a little freaked out at the prospect of having to fill in for April, and... well... I just must have gone a little nuckin' futs for a bit there. I'm SO sorry! Don't let this affect our future together! Pretty please? With no rotten cherry on top?

My Eternal love and respect - you hunka hunka burnin' love,

Oh, and Marie, Leigh and The Maid - Thank you so much for not throwing any rotten fruit or burning bags of feces my way! I am SO not April, but appreciate you not boo-ing me just the same :) And yes, Ms. Maid, I would very much enjoy attending 'Party at the Queen's, Part Deux' with you as well!

Stacey said...

Um...Kristin? April's gonna be pissed at you. I believe you may have started a coup. Or whatever it is that happens when a royal regime is overthrown. I know you aren't really overthrowing the Queen, and I certainly don't want April thrown any where or any how for that matter, but I believe that there may have to be room for a Queen Squared. Or Queen to the Second Power. Or Queen Deux. You are a Chris O'Donnell loving, Diet Coke with Vanilla craving, minivan driving Goddess. Oh, that's sort of like a Queen. You're the Blogess Goddess!!

Trisha said...

Not a good blogger? Seriously? I think you did really well. April won't come home to find her blog dried up and wimpering in a corner with you as the blog-sitter! Godo job!

Caitlin said...

Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.
Start a blog.

Thank you. That is all.
Not a blogger, my TOOSH.


kristen s said...

Oh Stacey, you are too kind. April's gonna be pissed at me allright... but not for the reasons you mention. Poor thing's going to have to use an entire can of Oust to get the stinky smell out of her blog. I did enjoy being called a Goddess, though! I've been called LOTS of things... but usually they're not good ;)

Trisha - Thank you as well!... I'm beginning to think April may have paid all of you to say something nice so she wouldn't come home to ME dried up and whimpering in a corner.

Caitlin - I know you are, but what am I? ...I mean, I know you should, but what should I do? Well, crap. Phrasing it like that doesn't work as well, but you get the idea. How about this? PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH! Please? Your presence is missed in the blogosphere :)