Saturday, September 26, 2009
So earlier this week The Boy posted a list of ten songs on his own blog (which I will not link for obvious reasons, but you people are totally missing out) that he never wants to hear again. His actual words were "10 songs I would rather stick my weiner in a meat grinder than have to listen to again." For fun, I thought I would play along but up the ante a little. So without further ado:
Twenty Songs I Never Want to Hear Again. EVER:
1. "I want to know what love is" by Foreigner. Mariah Carey just did a cover of this piece of crap and it makes me hate her even more.
2. "Arms wide open" by Creed. I once decided I didn't like a person based on the fact that she said she loved this song. That was it. Friendship over. If you think these crappy lyrics are deep and thought provoking, we have nothing further to discuss.
3. "The Wall" by Pink Floyd. Yes, the entire album just creeps me out. (I realize this is more than one song, but these are my rules, okay?)
4. "The Macarena" by who really cares. You know the song I am talking about. I'm not really a fan of any song where some type of line dancing is involved.
5. "Drive" by The Cars. I hated this song the first time I heard it. When I was 13. I have hated this song for 25 years. It sucks.
6. "Sussudio" by Phil Collins. I don't think I have to explain myself here.
7. Pretty much any song by REM. (Again, my rules.)
8. "You raise me up" by Josh Groban. This has to be the cheesiest song ever recorded. Even the guys from Air Supply are probably laughing at this song.
9. "Hey there Delilah" by The Plain White T's. Yeah it was cute the first 400 times I heard it, but duuuuuude. Any radio station still playing this song should be ashamed of themselves.
10. "Crazy in love" by Beyonce. I am grinding my teeth just typing this. Seriously. I don't understand the world's fascination with this woman. Is it just me? It can't be just me. I mean she is NOT GOOD. Right? RIGHT??? (Just nod your head yes, I will feel better.)
11. "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray. This song is so stupid. And it gets stuck in your head which makes it even more annoying.
12. "I've gotta feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. I don't care if you have a feeling, you are ruining my night by singing this song over and over again.
13. "Every time you go away" by Paul Young. This song reminds me of the summer between 8th and 9th grade. It was on the radio every other song. To this day it irritates me.
14. "Low Places" by Garth Brooks. Or pretty much anything from Garth Brooks.
15. "Santeria" by Sublime. I hate this song. It makes my ears hurt. And it contains bad grammar.
16. "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt. The most annoying song ever recorded. Not much of a No Doubt/Gwen Stefani fan anyway, but this song stands out as being a headache inducer.
17. "Got my mind set on you" by George Harrison. I don't think I have to elaborate here. It's stupid.
18. Neil Diamond's entire catalog. And yes Red Sox fans, that includes Sweet Caroline.
19. Barbra Streisand's entire catalog. (And there goes my gay male audience.)
20. "Your body is a wonderland" by John Mayer. Really, anything by John Mayer. This guy is king of the douche bags.
And now... 20 Songs I LOVE:
1. "When you say nothing at all" by Ronan Keating or Allison Krause. One of my all time favorite songs.
2. "Groovy kind of love" by Phil Collins. Our song.
3. "Sway" by Michael Buble. Makes me want to sway, ya know?
4. "The Wind Blows" by All American Rejects. I love this song. So sad and beautiful at the same time.
5. "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. Not a huge Kelly Clarkson fan, but I love this. She sings it live on her Breakaway album and she sounds amazing.
6. "Here without you" by 3 Doors Down. I don't know why I love this song, I just do.
7. "Like a stone" by Audioslave. I love Chris Cornell. He could sing the names out of the phone book and he would have my undivided attention.
8. "She sells sanctuary" by The Cult. This song makes me want to roll the windows down and go on a road trip.
9. "I'll be" by Edwin McCain. I am a sucker for songs about love.
10. "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. The cutest, sweetest song ever. It makes me happy.
11. "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake. If this song doesn't make you want to dance you need to see a doctor because there is something wrong with you.
12. "Outside" by Staind. I know it's a little cliche, but I love the lyrics. It's kinda deep, man.
13. "I don't care" by Fall Out Boy. Yeah, I hate them too, but this song has a catchy beat and you can dance to it.
14. "Con Te Partiro" by Andrea Bocelli. This song makes me swoon even though I have no idea what the hell he is saying.
15. Almost anything by Josh Kelley. Love him.
16. "Sweet child o' mine" by Guns N' Roses. I know. Who knew I had a little rock 'n roll in me.
17. "At last" by Etta James. Oh shut up, you love it too.
18. "I can only imagine" by Mercy Me. Will forever remind me of my Grandpa Z. I miss him and his infinite wisdom.
19. "What a wonderful world" by Louie Armstrong. Again, cliche. But it still gives me chills and makes me a little teary eyed.
20. "Have I told you lately" by Van Morrison. I love his raspy voice singing these soft lyrics. It's sweet.
And now.... 20 Songs I am embarrassed to admit that I love:
1. "My heart will go on," by Celine Dion. And you love it too, you know you do.
2. "Can't fight this feeling" by REO Speedwagon. Eighth grade, my first slow dance. I totally can't remember his name. Eddie? No... Mike?? I can't believe I can't remember his name. John? Oh forget it. Who really cares?
3. "Sailing" by Christopher Cross. I realize this makes me old. And uncool. But I am going to go one step further and tell you right here in front of everyone, I celebrate his entire catalog.
4. "Angels" by Jessica Simpson. I know. I am so ashamed.
5. "Up where we belong." By Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes. Yep. Love it.
6. "Against all odds" by Phil Collins. Wow, he made all three lists. Go Phil!
7. "Light on" by David Cook. I know, it's a dumb song and it got played to death. But I can't help it. I love it.
8. "All out of love" by Air Supply. And if you are sitting there shaking your head and making clucking noises with your tongue, you are fooling yourself. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. This song is awesome.
9. "Low" by Flo Rida. I can't even make excuses for myself here.
10. "Teacher" by George Michael. Is it just me or are these getting more embarrassing by the minute?
11. "You ain't much fun" by Toby Keith. This song is a whole bunch of fun.
12. "Here I go again" by Whitesnake. Makes me want to climb on the hood of my car and flip my hair around. Except for the major amount of damage it would cause the car. And my hair.
13. "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. I actually had this CD taken away from me for playing it over and over again at work. Oh my God that was like 18 years ago. Now I am depressed.
14. "Some guys" by Rod Stewart. Yeah. I actually cringed typing that.
15. "Wind beneath my wings" by Bette Midler. Super cheesy, but fabulous.
16. "Girls on film" by Duran Duran. I could have a whole category of just Duran Duran. That's how sick I am.
17. "Never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley. Can't help but sing along.
18. "You got the look" by Prince. This song is awesome.
19. "Bye bye bye" by N-Sync. Yep. Stop judging me.
And the most embarrassing of them all....
20. "Key Largo" by Bertie Higgins. You know you are totally Googling that song right now.
So share some of yours. It's fun and all your friends are doin' it.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
So the night before, I took a stiff shot of Nyquil, got a good rest, put my big girl pants on in the morning and forced myself out of the house before 9:00 AM, even though it was my day off. And despite my itchy, sore throat and burning chest, I had a lovely day. I spent the whole day shopping with my MIL, just the two of us. I got home in time to pick the kids up at the bus stop and finish some laundry. I spent part of the evening talking on the phone with Ubes' cousin The Teacher, who is one of my most favorite people in the whole world.
I have many reasons to be thankful.
So here it is, to offset my negativity, a list of all the things that make me happy, in no particular order:
diet coke with vanilla
salt and vinegar chips
Seinfeld at 10:30 PM
an empty hamper
a good book
a birthday card from Erin
1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets
new songs on my iPod
planning a party
a hot shower
talking to my Mom
planning a vacation
walking down Disneyland's Main Street
the smell of cookies baking
a British accent
the perfect salad (mixed greens, chicken, walnuts, Gorgonzola, and balsamic dressing)
shopping with my MIL
citrus scented lotion
watching my Junior play baseball
the smell of a new purse
an email from my Dad
a clean car
pens with purple ink
phone calls from my FIL
things that sparkle
(You like the last one? Subtle, aren't I?)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Even better, one day earlier in the week I pushed the button on my key fob to unlock my car and it didn't unlock. The battery in the key fob must have died. And for about 30 seconds I was totally panicked about how I was going to get the door unlocked. Sticking the key in the door and manually unlocking it is a concept I have completely forgotten about.
On Thursday I was super pissed that the season premier of Grey's Anatomy was not recording on the TiVo. I was convinced Ubes had stopped it from recording so one of his dumb shows could record instead. And then I realized the season premier is next week.
I am pretty sure I have early signs of dementia.
I haven't put the suitcases away yet and I am still doing laundry from the trip. I am almost thinking it would be easier to just repack everything and go somewhere else.
I am getting a cold. And I just don't have time for a cold right now. I don't have time to be tired and cranky and achey. And I am really mad that this cold couldn't wait for a more convenient time, like when the kids are in college and out of the house.
I have a fever. My ears hurt. My chest is burning. And I just want to go to sleep for about three days and wake up with all my problems magically resolved. Is that too much to ask? Sheesh.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Something will happen and I will think "Oh I am totally blogging that." And then later, it just doesn't seem interesting enough to repeat. A lot of my problem is time. If I'm not working, I am trying to keep up with my laundry and housework, trying to correct homework and cook meals and shuttle kids around, trying to spend time with my husband who is working himself into the ground. I am completely overwhelmed by my lack of time. I am neglecting my friends and myself. There is so much going on, so much that I would rather not discuss here. So believe me, it's not you. It's me.
So I am going to a take a minute to vent. Because these are some really petty, minute things that are just plain pissing me off. Maybe I will feel better if I get all of it off my chest?? No?? Well, let's give it a whirl anyway.
1. My computer is a bitch. Ever since I had the blue screen of death last year it hasn't been the same. If I type too fast, boom! It freezes and then the blue screen comes back and I have to reboot. I seriously want to chuck it out the window.
2. Weight Watchers is advertising a special right now where you pay for a month and get a month free, plus free registration. That is a such a smokin' deal I decided to join again (don't ask me how many warm chocolate melting cakes I consumed on the cruise). Only problem is, this special is not available in my area. What. The. Flip?? THEN WHY ARE WE ADVERTISING IT IN MY AREA???? So People Of Weight Watchers: YOU SUCK and you can take your special and STICK IT. I'd rather be fat than sit through one of your boring meetings again in this lifetime. Got it?? (But if you just so happen to start allowing the special in Phoenix/Metro area, awesome! You are the best!)
3. If I hear the Black Eyed Peas tell me they think tonight's gonna be a good, good night one more time I am going to throw myself in front of a bus.
4. Mac has a friend who calls the house 8, 9, 10 times a day. He will call during dinner and I will tell him we are eating and Mac will have to call him back later. The flipping kid will call again in less than five minutes. The calls start at 8:00 in the morning on the weekends (most of the time Mac isn't even awake yet) and continue until clost to 9:00 at night (Mac goes to bed at 8:30). What the heck is the matter with this kid and where are his parents??
5. I was at Super Target today and they already have two aisles of Christmas stuff out. Seriously??? Can we please just slow down and take one month at a time? What is the rush?
Well, I just sat here staring out the window for about five minutes trying to think of more things to complain about. How sad is that? I will offset this post later this week by listing some things that are making me really happy. No need to continue wallowing in self pity. Despite everything that is going on right now, I have a good life. I am thankful.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
So let's get the week started with our regular Monday confessions!!
I have been off the boat since 9:30 AM Saturday, yet I still feel like I am rocking. I am sea sick on land. Can I be any more lame??
I really don't like children. I love my own and most of my friends' and the ones related to me, but strange children while travelling just irritate the hell out of me. Read Ubes post about the one screaming in the airport. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!"
Actually, maybe it's the parents I don't like....
And although this child irritated me all the way to Ft. Lauderdale (we totally thought we would lose him when we switched flights in Houston, but no such luck), he gave us our mantra for the rest of the week. Every time we saw something interesting, funny, shocking, etc.- "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!"
I tried sushi for the first time. And I hated it. And I want to throw up just thinking about it. If loving sushi makes you cool, baby I am proud to be Queen of the nerds.
I only cried once during my flight time. We hit some turbulence from Phoenix to Houston and I spent most of the flight clutching Ubes' knee and getting right with God.
And then I had a huge margarita in Houston, where I got carded and seriously considered asking the female bartender if she wanted to make out. Although I am sure she was not only blind, but looking for a big tip. (But seriously, who doesn't love getting carded two days before their 38th birthday??)
When boarding the crowded flight from Houston to Ft. Lauderdale, Ubes told me to pick the first two seats I saw together. On my left there was an old man sitting in the aisle seat and two open seats next to him. On my right there was a hot guy with two open seats. I picked the hot guy. Who just so happened to be a former professional racer and is now an engineer for an oil company. He and Ubes started up a conversation that went something like this: "Blah blah blah Cars, blah blah blah Engines, blah blah blah Horsepower, blah blah blah Torque, blah blah blah Beer." And April turned on her iPod, blew up her neck pillow and closed her eyes so the lovers could be alone.
I drank large quantities of fruity umbrella drinks. Surprise!
Drinking large quantities of fruity umbrella drinks makes me more competitive, better at trivia games and a pretty talented dancer. And apparently deaf to the annoying voice of Beyonce calling out to all the single ladies. Oh yes lovers, Dee and I are so not single, but we didn't let that stop us from shaking our asses and singing a long. Which we did both beautifully.
I missed my babies so much that getting on the plane to come home didn't bother me at all. I couldn't wait to get home and squeeze them.
I love going to new places, learning about different people and cultures. But there's no place like home.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Howdy, peeps! Sorry to disappoint you... but this is NOT the Queen. I am her lowly servant person, Kristen S. Since April is happily floating on a cruise liner in the Caribbean Sea somewhere, sipping Bahama Mamas with Uberman and undoubtedly coming up with new and entertaining blog fare at this very moment, she asked me to blog-sit. You know....check in, make sure it has plenty of food and water, keep the bad guys away by making the place look 'lived in'... maybe tell it a story so it won't get too lonely....that kind of thing. I'm not sure what
kind of crack I smoked came over me and made me agree to do this. I've been racking my brain for DAYS trying to think of something to write, but keep coming up with zilch. nada. zipparooney. I just keep asking myself, "Why? Why did you do this to yourself, Kristen? You're a follower, not a leader. A servant, not a queen. A commenter, not a BLOGGER!" These questions are swimming in my head along with many others, clogging up much needed brain space. So, I thought it might be wise -- maybe even therapeutic -- to share some of the other questions I have floating in my head this very minute, and possibly use my blog-sitting time to help work through some of this garbage. How efficient am I? Okay, here, in no particular order, are a few of the other "Why's" I happen to be pondering right now:
- WHY can't I pick a decent piece of fruit to save my life? I try to buy healthy food, but I completely suck at picking fruit. And I'm not talking about actually 'picking' fruit - like off a tree. I mean at the grocery store, where all of it *should* at least be decent, right? I have a knack for picking the mealy apple, the sour grapes, the pineapple that is already half rotten, the banana with a big brown spot in the middle that my 4 year old gets all gagged on because he's certain there's "poop" in it.... Let me tell you something, people... ANYTHING made by Hostess, Entenmann's or my personal friend Little Debbie will NEVER disappoint you like that. I blame nature for my big ass. If fruit was that dependable, I'd eat more of it.
- Speaking of nature, WHY does your skin have to get bad when 'Aunt Flo' comes to visit? Is the rest of that experience not awful enough? Yes, by all means nature, make me break out like a pubescent boy too! These cramps, bloating, and frequent 'diaper' changes weren't quite sockin' it to me enough! It'll be like the cherry (probably a rotten one if I picked it) on top of my crap sundae!
- WHY does just about every driver on the road (other than myself, of course) completely suck? Seriously, how did so many of these people even pass the driving test? And have you ever noticed that people seem to drive the same way they walk? Trust me, if you want to pick out the sucky people to avoid on the road, head to a mall and walk around a bit. It's like a science experiment. Someone should do a study. There are the ones just there to mosey... who somehow manage to take up the entire walkway and walk like they've got 48 whole hours to waste before completing the journey from Macy's to Nordstrom. These are the people who, when driving, completely block you from passing, but drive under the speed limit for annoyingly long distances...probably with their turn signal on. Then you've also got your pushy, gotta be first "I heard there's only one more Clinique bonus left and it's gonna be MINE dammit!" people who will take down a small child to get where they need to be. On the road, they are the ones who pass you so fast your car shakes and you wonder to yourself where the hell all the police in the world are because that person CLEARLY needs a ticket more than you did when you got busted by photo radar. Every other annoying driver can be spotted at the mall too (including the dreaded nose pickers)....just by watching their walk. Really... go check it out some time. It will fascinate and annoy you simultaneously.
- WHY is it that when you actually take time to fix your hair, put on makeup and wear something halfway flattering, you will see NO ONE you've ever known or who would possibly give a crap how you look? Yet, when you go out looking like Haggy McHaggerson, you're somehow sure to run into an old boyfriend or the mean girl from school who used to make fun of your fake OP shorts your mom used to buy at Montgomery Ward in the 'husky girl' section and sew the OP on herself because she was too cheap to buy the real ones, plus you were too chubby for them anyway. And when I say "you" I really mean "me".. because this is what happens to me ALL THE TIME!
- WHY do teenage girls have to suck so bad? And dress like hoochies? And give you the 'up and down' while you're talking to them? I'm telling you, my daughter, who used to be the cutest thing you've ever seen, turned into a snarling wolverine about two years ago, and doesn't show ANY sign of becoming normal again. I've been told by many that when this "phase" is over, she'll see the light of day and appreciate her family again... but so far I'm not buyin' it. I plan on being one HELL of a jerky old lady one day to get her back.
- WHY don't I live anywhere near a Sonic? I happened to be near one a couple of months ago and tried April's favorite Diet Coke with vanilla and it was HEAVEN. I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing, people. Now, I really, really, really need another one, and I don't have one near me! Can someone PLEASE open up a Sonic in the North Scottsdale area? It would be a huge hit! I know one chubby chick with a minivan who would probably be there every single day gettin' her drink on! Possibly with a side of tater tots! *ahem*... just a friend of mine, of course. I'm not...you know... actually talking about myself or anything....
- WHY doesn't Beyonce realize her name should actually be pronounced "Bay-Wunce"? Seriously! Look how it's spelled! My husband pointed this out to me one day and now I can't call her anything else. I know she thinks "Bee-Yon-Say" packs a bigger "star" punch and all, but to me it's kind of like pronouncing Target as "Tar-Jay" to make it sound fancier. You can do it all you want, but in the end, it's still just Target. Get over yourself, "Bay-Wunce".
- Speaking of name pronunciation, WHY am I the only one who cracks up like an 8 year old boy when I hear the name Albert Pujols? I realize he's a baseball superstar and all, but his name is pronounced "Poo-Holes"!!! HOW do others not hear it? HA HA HA HA HA!!! Okay, so I'm a tad immature....
- And finally, WHY has Chris O'Donnel not realized we were meant to be together and friended me on FB? We're soul mates, Chris! I know it! Send me a friend request... I PROMISE I'll accept it. Then, we can start making plans for the beautiful house we will buy right next to a Sonic where we can sip Diet Coke with vanilla and trash talk Beyonce (you know you totally just read it as "Bay-Wunce") together. It'll be perfect. Mmmmkay? Now just get rid of that skank you call a wife and everything will be fine!
Hello? Still there? Is anyone still even reading this at all? This doesn't even BEGIN to cover ALL of the questions in my head right now, but I think I've made you all suffer enough. April might get kind of T.O.'d if she gets back to her blog and finds that people have been throwing eggs, tomatoes and bags of dog doodie that are on fire in her absence to show their irritation with her sucky excuse for a substitute. And I don't want her mad at me because I'm REALLY hoping she'll go to dinner with me again sometime soon. Plus, you never know.. it's possible that she met Chris O'Donnel on her cruise and told him all kinds of nice things about me and is planning to give him my phone number when she gets back. I can't do anything to jeopardize my chances, people, so please -- no hate mail. Yikes! What just whizzed by my head? What that a tomato? Okay, okay! I'm outta here! SHEESH!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Why do I do this? Why?? Why??? I always wait until the last minute to do anything.
So this is my schedule, just because I know you are so interested. It goes like this:
Saturday - Avoid dying in a plane crash en route to Fort Lauderdale. Hang out with Dee and her hubby Schlampe (pronounced SHLAHM-PAY, it's German for "Slut", long story), spend the night at a La Quinta (Fancy!).
Sunday - Get on the boat. Hang out with Dee and Schlampe. Drink copious amounts of fruity, overpriced umbrella drinks.
Monday - MY BIRTHDAY!!! Celebrate my awesomeness by hanging out with Schlampe and Dee in Key West BABY!! Drink copious amounts of fruity umbrella drinks. Eat some cake. Make people sing to me. Remind everyone every half hour that it is my birthday and I get to do whatever I want.
Tuesday - At sea all day. Hang out with Schlampe and Dee and drink copious amounts of fruity umbrella drinks.
Wednesday - Get off the boat and announce "Hello GRAND CAYMAN!! I have arrived!!" Schlampe and Dee will be hanging out with some stingrays. No thanks. Ubes and I will roam the island of Grand Cayman while drinking copious amounts of fruity umbrella drinks.
Thursday - Get off the boat and announce "What's up Jamaica?? Are we in Mexico??" Hang out with Schlampe and Dee at some waterfall. Avoid encounters with anal seeking parasites (totally saw this bit of advice on the Travel Channel). Drink copious amounts of fruity umbrella drinks. Take a ride on the bobsled.
Friday - At sea. Hang out with Schlampe and Dee. Drink copious amounts of fruity umbrella drinks. Maybe read a book.
Saturday - Return to Fort Lauderdale. Avoid death by plane crash to return to Phoenix. Hug my babies. Thank my Mama. Remember to schedule appointment on Monday to see doctor about possible liver repair...
Oh and guess what?? I have a surprise for you!! Guess who has decided to guest post for me next week while I am drinking copious amounts of fruity umbrella drinks??? The LOVELY AND TALENTED KRISTEN!!! I can hardly wait to read what she has to say. Maybe she will FINALLY start her own blog!! Fingers crossed people.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
And I admired her for getting up early in the morning for a little refreshing exercise. I mean who doesn't need to do a little more of that, right? And I have mentioned to y'all that I really want a bike for my birthday. Which is in four days. If you are American, you probably have the day off because the government decided to celebrate my awesomeness by making Monday a holiday. You are welcome.
I thought it would be fun to get a bike. I can ride around the neighborhood with the kids, spending time with them and getting a little exercise myself. Cool, right? Killing two birds with one stone.
However, there was something I noticed while watching this woman cardio-kill herself. She was a . . . um . . . a healthy woman. You know? A fluffy girl, like me. And crouched in that serious bike riding position. Perched on that teeny-tiny little bike seat. And.... Wellllll...... Have you ever been seated in a squishy type chair, and then stood up and looked at the
I don't think I want a bike anymore.