Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Redbox Rules

I like renting movies at the Redbox. It's fast. It's easy. It's convenient. My only beef with the Redbox is they don't have a lot of older titles, the machine is mostly filled with new stuff.

So Friday night on my way home from work, after I had already stopped at the grocery store, I stopped at a Walgreens to return two movies at the Redbox. And unfortunately, there was already a line. I took my place as the third person, and waited somewhat patiently.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The dude in the front of the line was taking FOREVER. I leaned to the side to try to see what was his major malfunction. Dude, are you kidding me?? Are you looking at every flipping movie?? Are you seriously reading the synopsis on every movie in the stupid machine?? Pick your freaking movie and get the hell out of here! I've got groceries in the car and it's 110 degrees! I am going to go outside to melted ice and cooked chicken! Let's GO!!!

I slowly exhaled and stared up at the ceiling. I started tapping my toe to the seconds passing by. The woman in front of me turned and smiled at me sympathetically. She rolled her eyes in solidarity and then turned back around.

Tap tap tap.

Exhale again, this time with a slightly audible sigh.

Tap tap tap.

And then I heard it. A very faint ppffttt sound. And you know how there is that moment when you hear it but it takes you a minute to actually process what just happened? And then within the flash of a second you are standing in the middle of it and you know what just happened?

Oh. Em. Gee. The woman in front of me farted. And I am standing in it.

My hand flew up to block my nostrils from the offensive odor. And just as this happens, another couple gets in line behind me. They are laughing and chatting and then suddenly . . . silent. They are standing in it, too.

"Oh my God!" whispers the man.
"That is bad!" says the woman, as she walks away with her hand covering her mouth and nose.

And you know they thought it was me. My face was red from holding my breath so I am sure they took that as a sign of guilt. The man finally followed the woman, and I was left standing in the stench alone. By this time, the dude at the front of the line is on his cell phone reading movie titles and descriptions to the person on the other end. I wanted to smack him in the back of the head with the two DVD's I was holding.

Two more people approached the line: a man who stood uncomfortably close behind me, and a woman who stood off to the side and was giggling into her cell phone about the best mani/pedi she had ever had, hands down. "I mean, Karen! They did such a beautiful job! They spoke English and everything!"

Oh dear, sweet Baby Jesus. Are you trying to teach me something at this moment? Are you taking the opportunity right now to show me the glorious gift of patience? Because the timing is not really working for me tonight. I'm tired, and I've had a long day. And I just want to . . . OH PRAISE JESUS THE DUDE IS DONE!! YAY!! GLORY HALLELUJAH!!!

"Hey," says giggling racist mani/pedi girl. "Do y'all mind if I just cut in and return these really fast?" She holds up her two movies to show Farting Woman. To my shock and horror, Farting Woman nods and let's her in line.

"Thanks y'all," says Giggling Racist. "I just hate standing in line when I only have to return."

HELLO?? I only have a return!! What the hell have I been doing standing here for . . . 12 minutes?? TWELVE MINUTES?? I have been standing here for twelve minutes!

I sigh. This time, audibly. It may have even been a scream, I don't know. But after another minute or two, Giggling Racist is on her way and Farting Woman is picking out her movies and I am still waiting with No Regard For Personal Space Guy behind me, breathing on my neck. Literally.

Suffice it to say, I survived my adventure at the Redbox. And so did everyone else in line with me, although it was iffy there for a minute. I did take a moment to reflect on what Jesus taught me through this experience. He gave me the divine inspiration to write the following.

Rules for Renting at the Redbox:

1. Go to the website ahead of time (www.redbox.com). Pick the movies you want (you can even reserve them online!!) and also choose a back up, just in case. If your movies are not available, get the hell out of line and let the next person go.

2. Do not fart on the people behind you. It's rude. (This rule can apply to any line, not just the Redbox.) If you feel the need to let one fly, get the hell out of line.

3. Do not ask to cut in line just for returns. There are people waiting in line to return. Because that is what you are supposed to do when there is a line. You are not special. Wait in line like everyone else.

4. Observe a three foot perimeter of personal space as a courtesy to those in line with you. Breathing down their necks is not going to make the line go faster. Plus it's disgusting.

So from now on, those are the Redbox rules. Spread the word. Thank you.


DevilsHeaven said...

OMG!!!! I had to bite my tongue so I didn't laugh outloud at my desk!!! You crack me up!!! I could totally picture, and smell the whole scene!! LMAO!!! (silently)

Trisha said...

Too funny! I know YOU weren't having too much fun while in line but, trust me, we have all been there! I like your rules for waiting - they could apply to ANY line!

Kristi said...

What the hell is wrong with some people?! You are a better woman than I - I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut on that one!

Gladys said...

Oh honey why didn't lean over and say, "next time you feel the need to pass gas, just let me know and I'll hold your place in line."

What the heck is it with people not respecting personal space? Do they think we have all moved to Japan or something. Oh wait does that put me in with the racist giggling mani/pedi girl? I didn't mean it like that what I mean is they don't have any personal space because it's so cramped in Japan.

Stacey said...

Oh, April. Fess up. There wasn't really a woman standing in front of you, was there? You're just trying to cover up for your burrito you ate at lunch.

The Maid said...

Why is it that I always am the one to walk into the fart?

I seriously want to wear a tee shirt that says..
"Don't blame me, I just got here."

:) Redbox, purplebox, whatever...as long as I never have to pay another $50.00 late fee again....damn Blockbuster.

(Oh, yeah, and that was after they advertised..."no more late fees." Liars.)

The Maid

kristen s said...

You were WAY too nice, April! Once Fart Lady let Racist Mani/Pedi girl cut in line, all bets were off. You should have said/yelled, "Do you mean I sat here marinating in your wild wildebeast fart this whole time -- when all I had to do was ask for cuts?" and then directed Fart Lady straight to the Gas-X aisle. I mean, REALLY. Who does she think she is tossing off air biscuits and then letting someone from the BACK OF THE LINE cut in front of everyone else? I hope she gave herself a skid mark in her undies that even a whole bottle of Spray-n-Wash can't erase. How dare she show faux solidarity in the beginning with the eye roll too. She really is the biggest villain in the whole story because of that. The NERVE!

Julie said...

I took your advice. Ordered my DVD online yesterday and went and picked it up. No lines. No farts. No racists.

Thank you.

Christine A said...

LMAO...I found your blog through "Intentionally Katie" and am dying over here! My 18 month old son is wondering why I'm laughing so hard at the computer screen and decided to just laugh with me. I am definitely bookmarking your blog. Everyone needs a good laugh! Thanks!

"Intentionally Katie" said...

Oh, was that YOU behind me in line? Sorry...I blame the pregnancy...

Kristin said...

I just died. You single handedly killed me with your keyboard on this post. I was unable to take in any oxygen while reading due to absoulte hilarity. I love it! I love you!