Thursday, July 2, 2009

Safari

Last night we had a family barbecue to wish my MIL bon voyage, she left this morning for an African safari. Boo is scared to death she is going to be eaten by lion, bitten by a snake . . . or infected with bulimia.

"Boo, baby, it's malaria," I tell her, trying not to laugh.
"Whatever," she says through her tears.

So anyhoo, there was a huge spread - hamburgers, hot dogs and chicken from the grill, chips and dips, macaroni salad, fruit. I was starving after a long day and no lunch. I haven't had a hot dog in ages, I thought to myself. That looks good!

I fixed myself a plump, juicy hot dog, grabbed a drink and sat at the table with my MIL and SIL, while Ubes, FIL and BIL sat around the TV watching a tribute to Billy Mays. Seriously.

Just as I took my first bite of my hot dog, FIL came to check on us girls to see if we needed anything.

"How do you like that hot dog?" he asked. Like most men, FIL needs some positive feedback on his grilling skillz.

"It's delicious," I told him with my mouth full.

"Yeah?" he said, smiling proudly. "It's buffalo."

I immediately stopped chewing.

"Huh?"

"It's buffalo. I got them at Costco. It's the leanest meat you can buy . . . blah blah blah . . ."

At that point I almost blacked out. The only thing keeping me from passing out was the thought of choking to death on a mouth full of buffalo-dog. That is so not the way I wanna go out, you know?

"Oh FIL, why did you tell me that?? I wish you had never told me that. Why didn't you wait until I finished?"

"What, you don't like it? You just said it was delicious."

"That's when I didn't know it was buffalo. I don't want to know what it is. It's bad enough that it's a hot dog!"

"So now you're not going to eat it?" He laughed.

"Hell no!" I told him.

"Chicken."

"No, buffalo. That's the problem."

I tried to feed it to the dog. She wouldn't take it. What does that tell you? I mean, she licks her own butt for crying out loud.

7 comments:

Kristi said...

I can so totally relate to this! And, that's why I'm a vegetarian! :)

Sue said...

Oh I'm right with you! It just kind of grosses me out - and I don't know why...beef, ok...pork...ok, chicken...my favorite...but buffalo? Nope. Lamb? No thanks. Venison? I can't eat Bambi.

And the list goes on...

kristen s said...

TRUST me, April, it's not any better when they wait and tell you after you've eaten it! One time, when I was little, my mom made dinner -- some sort of meat thing we all assumed had beef in it -- and everything was fine. We ate, we chatted and all seemed right with the world. Then all of a sudden, she left the kitchen for a minute and came back with a sticker on her forehead. We couldn't see it very well at first from where she was standing, but she had this weird look on her face. We asked what she was doing and she goes, "Guess what you all just ate?", at which point my stomach ALREADY started to turn because I knew this couldn't end well. She moved closer to the table, pointed to the sticker and we all read it in horror as she announced, "It was BEEFALO!" (some sort of nasty mix of ground cow and buffalo) "It was on sale!" Right then and there, I threw up -- all over the kitchen table. I've always had a major gag reflex, and hearing the word "beefalo" put it into overdrive. Even after I puked, it was like that Tom Hanks scene in Big where he's trying to scrape the caviar out of his mouth. I felt like my mouth was polluted and there wasn't enough Doublemint gum in the WORLD to clean it out. I have a hard enough time with beef and chicken when I think about where THEY actually come from. Usually, I can get past it (which is quite evident when you see the size of my ass) but NOT if animals not so commonly used as food start making appearances on my dinner plate! If I wanted to eat that crap, I'd sign up for Fear Factor.

BTW, my word verification is "fooked"! As in: Your FIL totally "fooked" up when he served you that buffalo weiner and he'd better watch his back at the next family gathering ;)

chandy said...

I'm reading a book right now that is set in colonial-era North Carolina. The characters just slaughtered a buffalo that wandered into their homestead, and the author's descriptions of all of the meals they made actually sounded pretty good! I guess you have to think about the bright side!

Julie said...

Dear Lord, my stomach just turned while reading this. My Dad one time made goulash with venison in it. I still haven't forgiven him for that one yet.

WILLIAM said...

Buffalo dogs with a side of celery and blue cheese dressing sounds yummy. Oh the hotdog was made of Buffalo...I get it.

"Intentionally Katie" said...

I've heard this story in person and I still laughed out loud. Chocking to death on a buffalo-dog...you crack me up, girl.