Okay Peeps, let's talk.
It's Memorial Day Weekend and somewhere along the way someone important decided this was the official start of the summer season. So you know what that means? Time to dust off the barbecue, slather on the SPF 50 and whip out the white pants and the flippy-floppies.
But there is one more essential item that some of us seem to be forgetting, and that is the very important issue I would like to discuss with you today. So please, let's make sure I have your full attention at this moment.
Are you ready?
I would like to talk to you about Deodorant.
Since when did it become acceptable to skip this part of our hygiene routine?? Because a lot of you are skipping it. Oh stop shaking your head and pointing to your neighbor. I am talking to you. Yes, you - bag boy at the grocery store. And you, lady in the yellow shorts in front of me at the dry cleaner. And you, man in hideous Hawaiian print shirt who sat next to me at the movies today. You stunk worse than Terminator Salvation. And that is saying a lot.
What is the deal here people? This is not Europe. Where people are laid back and cool and free to smoke anywhere they dang please. This is America. Where people are uptight and selfish and worried about their personal space. We believe in designated smoking areas, SUV's and undergarments. And most importantly, DEODORANT.
So please, I am really curious here. Tell me why? What is your aversion to wearing this wonderful product that keeps you from singeing the nose hairs of those around you? Is it the possibility of the aluminum leading to Alzheimer's? Because you can buy an aluminum free product. I've seen them in health food stores and stuff. Okay so who am I kidding? We all know I do not frequent these places. So maybe I haven't actually seen aluminum free deodorant in a health food store (or the inside of a health food store for that matter), but I have heard that places like this sell it. And I am pretty sure your local Walgreens does, too. Besides, I for one am willing to take the risk. Seriously. I would rather forget everyone I know than smell bad. I am that shallow.
And you should be too. Because you stink. And obviously I am the only person on the planet who cares enough about you to be honest and tell you the truth. But more people would care if there was not that barrier of stench around you. I promise.
So I beg of you, stop offending the noses of those around you. Please! For the love of all that is good and holy. Invest in a little Speed Stick!
That is all.
(However, next week we might discuss the matter of your breath. Just lettin' ya know. Be prepared. Thank you.)