Saturday, May 23, 2009

A Summertime Plea.

Okay Peeps, let's talk.

It's Memorial Day Weekend and somewhere along the way someone important decided this was the official start of the summer season. So you know what that means? Time to dust off the barbecue, slather on the SPF 50 and whip out the white pants and the flippy-floppies.

But there is one more essential item that some of us seem to be forgetting, and that is the very important issue I would like to discuss with you today. So please, let's make sure I have your full attention at this moment.

Are you ready?

I would like to talk to you about Deodorant.

Since when did it become acceptable to skip this part of our hygiene routine?? Because a lot of you are skipping it. Oh stop shaking your head and pointing to your neighbor. I am talking to you. Yes, you - bag boy at the grocery store. And you, lady in the yellow shorts in front of me at the dry cleaner. And you, man in hideous Hawaiian print shirt who sat next to me at the movies today. You stunk worse than Terminator Salvation. And that is saying a lot.

What is the deal here people? This is not Europe. Where people are laid back and cool and free to smoke anywhere they dang please. This is America. Where people are uptight and selfish and worried about their personal space. We believe in designated smoking areas, SUV's and undergarments. And most importantly, DEODORANT.

So please, I am really curious here. Tell me why? What is your aversion to wearing this wonderful product that keeps you from singeing the nose hairs of those around you? Is it the possibility of the aluminum leading to Alzheimer's? Because you can buy an aluminum free product. I've seen them in health food stores and stuff. Okay so who am I kidding? We all know I do not frequent these places. So maybe I haven't actually seen aluminum free deodorant in a health food store (or the inside of a health food store for that matter), but I have heard that places like this sell it. And I am pretty sure your local Walgreens does, too. Besides, I for one am willing to take the risk. Seriously. I would rather forget everyone I know than smell bad. I am that shallow.

And you should be too. Because you stink. And obviously I am the only person on the planet who cares enough about you to be honest and tell you the truth. But more people would care if there was not that barrier of stench around you. I promise.

So I beg of you, stop offending the noses of those around you. Please! For the love of all that is good and holy. Invest in a little Speed Stick!

That is all.

(However, next week we might discuss the matter of your breath. Just lettin' ya know. Be prepared. Thank you.)


DutchMac said...

It is sooo funny that you wrote about this, because I've just come inside from trimming (ok, mutilating) the shrubs outside our front door, and I SWEAR the things stank of body odor. Yes, I've been outside for four hours this morning doing a lot of digging, chopping, fertilizing, re-planting, watering, trimming, and sweeping, but I would almost bet a limb the smell wasn't me. I've slathered my armpits with the divine white stuff twice so far. It wasn't me.

I am, however, off to go for a run now. Don't be too impressed, I've been eating elephant-portions for a couple weeks AND I already have gardening-stench on me...I might as well add it all in the mix before I shower for the day.

But I still don't think that stink was me. It was the shrubs. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

chandy said...

I have a theory on this April. I think in the summer people go swimming and then forget to reapply. The deodorant can't stand up to pool water and then they stink. I'm not excusing this, mind you... But that may explain this dreadful phenomena for you.

kristen s said...

DUDE! I know, right! I've been noticing this for the last couple of months! Do they NOT smell themselves? Because sometimes I'll be in the grocery store, or movie theater or wherever, and get a whiff of extreme body stench. My first thought is to pray that it isn't me and frantically try to go over my morning routine in my head to make sure I haven't forgotten my deodorant, but then the early Alzheimers FROM my deodorant sets in and I can't remember, so I have to do a sly sniff test. Then when I verify that the stench, is, in fact, coming from someone else I just sit there in complete horrified amazement because I CAN'T believe they walk around smelling like that and don't even care! It's downright un-patriotic! If I ever do the sniff test and figure out that it IS me, you can bet you'll see sparks coming off my totally cute shoes as I sprint like hell to the nearest sink and wash myself. I, too, am THAT shallow. And proud of it :)

Anonymous said...

I thank you for this public service announcement.

Seriously, it's getting past a joke, people.

Trisha said...

Kristen's remark has me chuckling as much as your post did! While I have luckily not noticed a lot of people sans deodorant lately, I know it can be a problem. While the economy is not doing too well right now, surely they can afford some deodorant!!!!

Roland Hulme said...

Ah, yes... I think I could have done with this reminder on Sunday... When you're running about with a wee baby, it's easy to forget - until about twenty minutes under the hot sun.

I worked for four years in Paris, though. I just pretend that I'm going au naturel.

In my defense, I smell delicious today. Thanks, Axe for Men.

Sue said...

Amen Sister!

DevilsHeaven said...

I totally second that!!! But here's my problem, what do you do when said offender is your B-I-L??? He can be sensitive, true, which apparently does not extend to his nose. But this is an on going summer time issue where he is concerned.
What to do????