Wednesday, April 8, 2009

... And That's Why I'll Never Be a Ballerina.

I am not one to brag (shut up, just go with it), but my outfit today was all kinds of adorable. Chocolate brown trousers topped off with a pinkish/orange-ish/terra cotta-ish linen blouse. And my favorite, to die for gold beaded sandals with a kitten heel. I even had on the cutest set of bracelets in browns, corals and rusty reds. Elegance? Check. Sophistication? Check. Victoria Beckham red carpet walk? Check, check and check.

But God forbid if I get a little too confident. A little too aware of my fabulocity. Totally a word. Is too.

I had the afternoon off today, since I will be working Saturday morning. I met my fabulous MIL for lunch (and also to pick up my baby Boo) at a new deli/bakery near her home. The place was packed and I had trouble finding a parking space. And when I walked in I could see why. The restaurant is adorable, lots of warm colors and rich wood floors, the smell of home made breads and pastries filling the air. Naturally I had to make a huge entrance, right?

My gorgeous beaded sandals did not play nice with the polished wood floor. One leg went forward while the other slid back. And in order to avoid straining a muscle in a delicate area, I allowed my knee to break my fall. So there I was on the floor, posed like a knight bowing to his queen. I looked up quickly to see if anyone noticed. Of course, half the restaurant was staring at me. I jumped up, acting all cool, laughing and waving off their questions of concern.

"I'm fine, ha ha ha. Just humiliated. Nothing new."

I turned around to look for MIL, spotted her across the room and proceeded two steps. Before finding myself once again in the middle of a stumble, a slip, and then . . . airborne. No I am not kidding. It was like one of those cartoon pictures of someone slipping on a banana peel. Both my feet flew out from beneath me and I was looking at my toes and how adorable they looked in my gold, beaded sandals.

And then boom. I was flat on my back staring up at the ceiling. The light fixtures were amazing. And then there were faces hovering above me.

Concerned Man #1: Ma'am??? Are you okay??
Me: I want to die.
Wife (I assume): Don't move! Let's get some help!!
Me: I'm fine. Really. I'm just hoping the floor will open and swallow me up.
Man #2: Is the floor wet?
Me: Not unless I wet my pants on the way down.
Man #1: You could be really injured.
Me: Oh believe me, the only injury here is my pride.
Wife: I think there is something wrong with the floor.
Me: It's not the floor. Trust me. But seriously, how cute are these shoes?

I got up, red faced and laughing, and hobbled over to my MIL, who missed the whole show.

Me: Hi. I just fell. On my ass. Twice.
She: What? Where?
Me: Over there. Where all those people are pointing and staring. Waive at the people. (Waiving)
She: How did you fall? (Waives at the people and laughs, rolling her eyes at me.) I can't take her anywhere!
Me: Yeah. So what are we gonna eat?
She: They have a great chicken salad. Your shoes are cute.
Me: I know. Did you see the light fixtures in this place? Adorable.

Oh yes. Grace. I haz it.


Gladys said...

I'm sorry you fell. The important thing here is everyone saw your cute shoes.

Um, Yeah, we were raised together because I do this all the time. I now just get up sing "TA DAAAAAA" and go on about my business. Let me tell you I have fallen in some of the nicest places and I've fallen in some real scuzzy places. People laugh no matter where you are. :)

Stacey said...

Surely you can sue someone over that. The cute shoe maker? The floor installer? It's worth a thought...

And yes, your outfit DID sound all sorts of cute.

The Maid said...

Where do you shop? I mean...really...I've looked...and the clothes out there right now suck.

Unless you are a boobless preteen with a propensity towards clingy tees.

??? Help...

The Fashionotsa

Trisha said...

Oh my! At least you looked mighty fine while falling flat on your back!

chandy said...

Okay, I'm totally not laughing at you, but with you! This is great.

I did that at work once, coming out of the breakroom. I'm so thankful to the most gracious Lord that nobody saw me. I've never gotten up off the floor so quickly in my entire life.

Anonymous said...

The most important thing is looking good - who cares if you fall on your ass!

Karen R said...

That's how I broke my foot! Fell first in Phoenix - in the street - after leaving Nutcracker. The 2 glasses of wine during intermission had nothing to do with it. 9 days later fell at work (wearing really cute Jessica Simpson FLATS) and that's when I broke my foot and ripped two tendons. I don't remember the pain of either one, but I vividly remember the humiliation. But I would have seriously laughed at your fall. That's priceless.

Katie @ 3 Blondes and a Redhead said...

I have tears in my eyes, I laughed so hard! I might have to post that story on my blog. That kind of funny, sister.

Now I'm wondering where this cute, trendy new deli is? I love fun eateries with slippery floors. They're few and far between.

kristen s said...

You, my friend, are my sista from anotha mista. Remember when I walked into the same glass door TWO DAYS IN A ROW (and in front of the same group of people both times) because they removed the name sticker from it and cleaned the damned thing for once? I seriously don't know how I avoided a broken nose. You laughed at me then, and I would have laughed at you when you fell too, because it's funny as hell when people fall and run into things. That's why America's Funniest Home Videos does a whole segment on each episode of people doing just that!
Seriously though... at least have Uberman send the restaurant a letter THREATENING to sue.... it might be good for a lifetime supply of free sandwiches. Better yet, a lifetime supply of free brownies and cookies! (which, if you collect, I will be on your doorstep faster than you can say "I bet my chubby friend Kristen would sure like one or ten of these brownies").....

Sue said...

Oh crap...I bet that didn't help you feel very sparkly either. Thank goodness you weren't seriously hurt. You know, cracked tail bone or something. Whew! Thank God you looked cute! LOL!

I was at the dog park today, and royally jammed the snot out of the middle finger on my, despite the instant pain, my first thought was to check that I hadn't broken my nail. I only got them done Tuesday, and what a disaster it would have been if I'd have to walk around with a broken nail for a week and a half. Forget the busted up knuckle and the pretty purple bruise I am now sporting...the nail is intact and looks good, and isnt' that what really matters? (Sheesh, I nearly had myself talked into that...I think I'm loosin it!)

That was my "non sparkly" moment of the day.

DutchMac said...

If it makes you feel any better, those of us who ARE ballerinas (or at least, used to be, in a former decade) can do that. In rehearsals. Literally just WALKING across the floor, in shoes much less appealing than beaded sandals.

We can even do those the day before a big audition, causing us to come into the audition with an elephant-sized ankle underneath 420lbs of stretchy bandages, hobbling in saying 'No, really! I can audition! I can do anything you need, just as long as it doesn't involve jumping, stepping, or standing. Honestly, any other dance moves, I'm totally your girl.'

In front of a roomful of gorgeous dancing divas who are your competition, and actually relish in the glee of your pain and humiliation. Then again, I'm only talking hypothetically. I've never experienced that trauma myself, of course.

Sue said...

Happy Easter April!

Mary said...

I could pretty much exchange your name for mine in that story and hit repeat on a monthly basis. My clumsiness is a running joke with family and friends.

I'm sporting 3 bruises and a sprained toe at the moment, courtesy of an open door yesterday. Hope you're feeling fine today and defintely keeping the shoes. Great shoes are worth any number of spills.:) You might want to buy some grippers for the soles though. LOL

Kristin said...

April - you totally rock! You have me and Doug rolling on the floor. Ooops... did I say floor?!

The Fat Girl said...

Well at least yoy looked good ;) Hope your ok! OH and how are the shoes?

Happy Easter Chick xxx

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