Friday, February 6, 2009

Add Friend??

I think I just ate my weight in chips and dip. And since I am confessing I will tell you I also ate two Entenmans chocolate donuts. Hey, don't judge me. I feel sick, okay?? Are you happy??

Anyhoo...

I need some advice. It's about Facebook. I know!! Okay??? I know!! I am totally an addict. I'm aware. Can we move on please?? God. You're so judgmental today.

So tell me dear friends. What do you do when you get a friend request from someone you have ZERO desire to be friends with?? Say it's someone from your past, or even worse, someone from your work. Like maybe even YOUR FREAKING BOSS. Dudes. How do you handle this debacle?? Because that is really what this is. A major debacle. How do you tell your boss you do not want to be her FB friend. I can't use the excuse that I don't want to be friends with people from work. Because I have TWO FB friends from work. That would be lying. Do you think she will understand if I tell her it's just too awkward?? Or do you think I am totally screwed?? Yeah. That's what I was afraid of.

So what about the people from your past?? The people who (Is it who or whom here?? Because I can never remember this rule.) you really didn't like that much when you knew them before. Because they were a little too judgy. And unkind. And maybe even crazy.

Or maybe they just stopped speaking to you and told everyone it was because you thought you were too good for them even though you NEVER thought that. It was just that you didn't agree with the choices they were making because they were HUGE mistakes that you could plainly see. HUGE mistakes. Possibly even illegal mistakes?? Are you following me here?? Don't go accusing me of being judgy because I am so not being judgy. I just didn't want to get arrested. Because that would be bad.

So anyhoooooo. Let's say this person used to be your very good friend. Knew everything about you. The good and the bad. And then threw their life away because they were stupid. And selfish. And stubborn. And then quit talking to you one day even though you jeopardized a lot for this person. Even though you were there for this person. Through good and bad. And when I say bad, dudes, I mean baaaaaaad. And you smiled politely and said nothing when this person talked all kinds of crap about you after you finally had enough and quit speaking. Because you didn't have anything in common anymore. And it was just too painful for you to watch the downward spiral. And you decided it was time for some tough love. And it hurt. Tremendously. And you mourned. And you finally got to a place where you could forgive, even though the person was still spinning lies to people you had in common. And then one day out of the blue, you get a friend request. And you don't want to hurt their feelings because you know they have made some changes. In the right direction. But you are not sure if you want to open yourself up to that again. You are not sure if this person is still toxic.

What do you do?? Do you click ignore?? Or do you accept?? And open a window that might be best left closed....

What do you do??

16 comments:

Kristi said...

On the "people from work" thing, I'd just accept and try REALLY hard to forget they were there. On the second click IGNORE! If someone is that destructive to you, they have to work to earn your forgiveness and trust, not just send you a freakin' friend request on FB. Know what I mean? Don't feel guilty about it either - you didn't do anything wrong.

And now I NEED donuts. Also chips.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Hmm I've had kind of weird thing with FB too. A friend of mine that was friends since Kindy, but then we grew apart mostly because we MOVED apart, and now she acts like she doesn't even really know me. I think I must have pissed her off at some point in our lives but not sure what or when??

chandy said...

Well, I'm kinda a facebook newbie and I don't really know all of the protocol, but for the boss, I'd just accept the request, and then quietly delete here a few weeks from now.

Katie @ 3 Blondes and a Redhead said...

Totally ignore the friend. I've done it and it's been done to me. We all move on with our lives. But your BOSS?? Awkward! You'll end up guarding what you say on your blog...I mean is your blog site linked to FB? You need to have a private voice SOMEwhere. JW's mom totally outted her pregnancy on FB. What is one of us outs something about you that you don't want your boss to know?

I like the "tell her it's just too awkward" comment. Be honest. Unless she's a witch and will make your work life miserable. In that case, it's just Facebook. Don't lose sleep and accept her as your friend.

Aren't you glad you asked me? I have so many great opinions...

Chris H said...

Accept, then ignore.

WILLIAM said...

Accept. Then realize that when you are on facebook at work....they can see you in the little IM window at the bottom...and you could get fired for being on FB and not working.


So where you been? Lauren and I were just saying how you don't stop by anymore...

DutchMac said...

Being a complete FB loser (i.e. I hate the thing) means I may be setting myself up for saying something ridiculous here, but can you accept this person as a friend but then sort of pretend they're not there?

Wait, that sounds twisted. Let me explain.

I've had two 'girlfriend break-ups' this past year (no, I'm not lesbian, I just can't think of a more accurate description) because we had grown into people who were no longer compatible as friends. And yes, things turned a bit catty and petty. That's when I realized that even though I didn't harbor any aggression towards these women, I didn't want people like that in my life anymore. If, years down the line, one or both of us change and end up being more compatible again, I would be willing to re-consider. Or if one decided to apologize for the horrific way they treated me (no pity-party here, one was damn near unforgiveable) I will politely accept the apology (similar to your FB acceptance) but then go on my merry way and not necessarily include them in my life anymore (like maybe you could ignore them once their on your FB friends thingy)

Does that make sense? Taking the high road by politely accepting an invitation, but then only participating in further contact as and when you feel is desirable? If that's at all possible, that's what I would do.

Not that either of my girlfriend-breakups have approached me to admit how awful they were. Self-centered cows.

Caitlin said...

On the boss thing, there is a great solution, which I have used for the people I work with: 1) Never friend request any co-workers. Only be friends with them if they request you. 2) Accept them, then in your privacy settings, limit what they can see in your profile. IE: Let them see hardly anything (photos, wall, personal info). Problem solved, everyone wins.

On the second, I'm sorry I almost got us arrested and said such horrible things about you, okay? But would you just accept my friend request already?!

Srsly, that's a tough one. You COULD always accept and then forget they are there, but why give them the satisfaction? Did they even send you a message saying hello? If not, when I get a Questionable Friend Request, that's usually what decides it for me.
That or how nosy/curious I am to see what is going on in their life these days.

PS - I miss you xoxo

Linda said...

I'm a big fan of the ignore. But, I have also accepted and then deleted. It's a catch 22. I've had people I can't even remember ask to be my friend (so third grade!) and frankly, I don't feel bad about ignoring them. I figure that FB, for me, is not about the numbers. It's about keeping in touch with people I care about...not people I haven't spoken to in 10 years, nor do I care to. Just say no.

Linda

Coffee Bean said...

Well... I've recently gone through the whole facebook dilemma. I didn't say anything to anyone but it was a huge STRESS. I was getting requests from people I did not want to friend... I was constantly getting requests for little doohickey games and causes... all of which I ignored. I just wanted to stay in touch with people, not play games.

Then there was the whole kid thing. I mean... I was getting stressed having my college aged daughters boyfriends as friends... per their request, not mine. Of course, I would go look at their pages and... I'm sorry, but, I'm a little old fashioned and I didn't particularly care to see the messages that other girls were leaving them... or the pictures sent to one of them of a girl on his lap with her (ahem) ample bosom in his face while holding a beer. You know?

And then there was the fact that friend/acquaintences of mine have friend requested me and then turned around and friend requested my kids... and my kids like to have hundreds of friends so say yes to everyone... giving these gossiping ninnies access to my kids' walls.

I deleted my facebook. I decided that the people that really want to keep in touch will... as I do with the ones I care for. I just cannot deal with all that crap. And there is stuff I decided I just do not want to know about people. Especially my kids. I felt like a peeping Tom looking at their stuff... you know?

And, so you know, ignorance is BLISS. I've decided. My girls are both over 18... I just don't want to know anymore. They are going to do what they are going to anyway and I'm old and I need my beauty sleep.

sincerelykate said...

one of my managers requested me on fb and what could i do but accept her. i just blocked her from seeing anything i don't want her to see like my photos, wall posts, etc.

Stacey said...

Ok, so I'm a little behind and didn't see this post until today. Hmmmm. Your boss? Do you have the juevos to tell your boss that it would be too strange? If you do, then it would probably go one of two ways. One - they would understand because being fair and understanding is how they worked their way up to middle management in the first place. Or two - they would be insulted and forever flash back to this FB moment with every raise, merit increase, etc. So, hmmm. Or you could totally blow it off. Chances are they would forget about it in a week or so, and maybe if they say something about it, say, "Friend request?? I didn't get a friend request?? Are you sure you got the right April with the cat green eyes in her profile picture? Because there's like, 50 of us."

Now for the second - as all of your other nice friends told you, click Ignore. Don't open yourself up to the poison of their drama. I have a friend who accepted a request from an idiot that she should have ignored, and now he's so OBNOXIOUS and she's complained about him a few times. He honestly posted a link to an article that some equally obnoxious news person wrote about how nobody cares about your "25 things" or how you sniff your coffee before you sip. Basically said that anyone who has posted their list is a loser, etc. There was no need for that, other than to continue his quest to make himself feel superior to people he doesn't even know. I know this is totally minor compared to illegal (WHAT???) things that this other person was in to (like what?? I won't tell, I'm sure I don't know the person), but it's going to be an annoyance just the same. And it's YOUR FB page, you can ignore anyone you damn well please. And why worry about what they think? They already spread icky nastiness about you that wasn't true, so who the freak cares if they say it again. Nobody believed it the first time, anyway.

Ok, I'm done.

DevilsHeaven said...

I think what Caitlin said makes sense. Limit what Boss can see, only problem maybe would be if one of the co-workers mentioned something from FB that the Boss couldn't see.
I'd say add the old friend and see how it goes. 95% of the people on my FB haven't left me any messages or anything since we became "friends." Plus, you know, you can de-friend them later.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I can't say no...so I went to private...they can't find me...only I can find them.

Leigh7880 said...

This is about me, isn't it?

I kid! Now that we're Facebook friends, you know the rules: joint holidays, vacations to the Caribbean, birthday gifts....

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