Monday, January 26, 2009

Too Much Bounce

There's a woman in my neighborhood who runs. Every day. Sometimes twice.
I can see her from my office window upstairs as she silently breezes by my house, her sleek pony tail swishing from side to side. She's like a gazelle.
I want to be like a gazelle. I want to run, leaping down the street in cute running pants and matching top. My luscious pony tail swinging back and forth as my feet lightly touch the ground before propelling me forward again. The neighbors will hear a light tapping noise on the street as my rubber soles gracefully glide me by. Nothing but the music of my iPod and my happy thoughts swirling in my head as my body benefits from my heart pumping and the fresh air filling my lungs.
Aaahhhh. It's nice to have dreams.
The reality is, I have tried to run. I've dressed out, tied the shoes, put the headphones in and started off. Only, I wasn't quite the graceful gazelle I imagined. Let's just say a charging rhinoceros is more graceful than April spazzing out down the street.
First of all, I am so not graceful. My feet don't tap tap tap as they hit the asphalt. They THAWHUMP - KERCHUNK - FALUMPADUNK. I swear I can hear the windows rattle as I pass each house.
"Honey, is there some construction going on in the street behind us?"

"No, that chick around the corner is trying to run again."

"Oh, poor thing."
Secondly, my body does not cooperate with the running motion. There's just too much stuff bouncing and bobbling and shaking. I'm totally afraid I am going to knock myself out with a stray boobie. Now there's an embarrassing conversation in the emergency room.
Last, my hair's not long enough for a bouncy ponytail. I can pull it back, but it sticks straight out like bunched up asparagus. And then I have all these whispies around my face and neck. Not exactly marathon chic.
I'd also probably be singing along to my iPod, only not realizing how far my voice carries. Instead of the quiet tap tap tap I imagined, my neighbors would hear me belting out something really bad and embarrassing... Like "Hungry Like The Wolf." Dooooot do doot doot do doot doot do doot doot do doot doot.
But still, one of these days, I want to be a runner. But I'll probably never be a gazelle. Not everyone can be one. Some of us have to be that hippo in a tutu. I'm totally okay with that. Tutus are pretty.


*Jac* said...

Lol, I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I refuse to run outside because I don't want people to see me. At least in the gym, the rest of them are dressed in gym clothes too.

Trisha said...

LOL! Hey, there is nothing wrong with being a tutu wearing hippo! They are beautiful too!

Gladys said...

OH, April. I'm crying over here. You made me snort coffee out my nose.

I have said this over and over again. I do not run. I do not even think about running. I don't care if there is a big guy with a chain saw and a hocky mask behind me, I do not run. He can just chop me up in little bitty pieces because I am not running. The last time I tried to run I ended up with 2 black eyes and a bruise on my ass.

kristen s said...

Oh April... could we be any more alike? I, too, have a secret desire to be one of those graceful, fit runner types that my husband can't help but turn his head to look at and then give me the fake "WHAT?" after I smack him for doing so.

However, I have been teased about my "running" style my entire life and let me tell you, it ain't pretty. Think of a middle aged chubby chick running like Forest Gump did BEFORE the braces came off his legs. Boobs flying, ass flopping, EXTREME lack of coordination apparent to all who dare to watch the train wreck that is me running as it unfolds in slow motion...(because I'm also REALLY slow). **SIGHHHH** I'm afraid I just need to stick to walking... and I might just need to buy myself a pretty tutu.....

Sue said...

April, I just love you! Gosh, you crack me up everytime I read one of your posts.

I have said, over and over, that running is TOTALLY overrated. I've even convinced myself of it. Stick with me.

DutchMac said...

I am proud to admit that the ONLY New Year's resolution I have EVER kept was to become 'a runner.' I now do my best to go every time Little Cub is in preschool (3x a week), and my usual distance is 5k / 3 miles. I have done 3 10k runs in my life, the last one when I was 4.5 months pregnant. Yea for me.

However, I am most definitely NOT a gazelle. I have learned NOT to look at myself in the reflection of freshly washed cars. You know those people out running who you see and think 'Why are they even bothering? That's just a bouncy walk ... it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! Man, I'm going to have the best around-the-water-cooler story of the week!'

Yep, I'm one of THOSE people.

At least your hippo has a pretty tutu. I have unflattering spandex and men's sunglasses because I'm too cheap to buy them when my husband gets them for free. I choose to think of myself as generous, in that I'm giving others a good laugh and stories to share. I quite like this alternate reality I've created.

So, my dear Tutu Hippo, should you decide to take up running, you will not be alone. My Spandex Elephant spirit will be with you every thundering step of the way.

DevilsHeaven said...

I feel the same way, want, but can't seem to achieve.
Besides,running is bad for your knees.
Go to the gym, put the tredmill on HIGH, same thing, less damaging impact.

The Fat Girl said...

I agree with Trish there is nothing wrong with being a tutu wearing hippo

The Maid said...

My friend lost her husband when she was in her twenties...he was running...and just dropped dead of a heart attack. He was tall, thin, the picture of health.

From that day on, I swore that running was not for me.

Years and kids later, well gravity applauds my decision.

WILLIAM said...

You should read Lauren's post about the same topic.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I weigh 1/8th of a ton and when I started running I had man boobies punching me in the face...

I just did the marathon and 1/ can do it.

Chris H said...

Ahhhh Tu Tu's... yes I have one somewhere (frisking through my wardrobe)....

The Maid said...

One more little tid-bit...

I have been saying for months that if I ever had two black eyes and someone asked me what perfect comeback would be..."I took up running."

Great minds think alike! :)