Thursday, December 25, 2008

It's over. Now what?

Queen April - you just celebrated an amazing Christmas with your family. What are you going to do next??

I'm going to Disneyland!!

I will be back next week with lots of amusing tales from the Happiest Place on Earth. And maybe, if you are good boys and girls, I will even post pictures. Enjoy your Christmas leftovers and I will see you all New Year's Eve!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas

I am wishing all of you a Very Merry Christmas!! I hope you all are having a blessed day with your families, celebrating, laughing and eating too much food. That is what I am doing.

... I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

All I want for Christmas is two new boobies.

Dear Santa,

I know it's been a while since you have heard from me but I just wanted to drop you a note to say hello. And of course provide you with a list of a few things I think could be useful to me. If you have the time that is.

  • An extra hour in the day. This would be so sweet. If you can work this out, you can forget the rest of this list. Thanks.
  • A crockpot with a timer. And a recipe book containing crockpot recipes that do not taste like they were cooked in a crockpot. I have the pickiest family in the world. No, seriously.
  • Three new children who are not such picky eaters.
  • New boobies. Not necessarily bigger, just um, higher. Perkier. I would be perfectly happy with my pre-baby boobies.
  • A tummy tuck. Since we are redoing the boobies we might as well get rid of that saggy stretched out belly skin that I affectionately refer to as my front butt.
  • A Pontiac Solstice. I'm not picky about the color. I'm cool like that.
  • Daniel Craig.
  • Laser hair removal. According to Boo, I need it.
  • A new bedspread. I decided I hate mine. It's pretty, but itchy.
  • A guest spot on Top Gear. I totally want to drive the moderately priced car around the track and hang out with Jeremy, Hammond and the Stig. But not James May. He's creepy.
  • A puppy. That doesn't poop or chew things.
  • A European vacation.

So that's my list. I don't think it's completely unattainable. Just do the best you can. My expectations are low with the economy and all....

As always, I will be baking your favorite chocolate chip cookies (no nuts) and will leave them by the fireplace. Just please keep the noise level to a minimum, you know how I value my beauty sleep. Say hello to the Mrs.

Godspeed,

April

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Time for a wax...

Boo: Mommy, my mustache hurts.
Me: Your what?
She: My mustache. (points to upper lip)
Me: That's your lip, Baby Girl. Girls don't have mustaches.
She: But you do.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Santa

My kids piss me off.

None of them want to go see Santa. The oldest one I can understand. He's 11. He knows. But the other two? What is their problem??

And isn't it funny how we teach our kids not to talk to strangers and yet once a year we dress them up and force them onto the lap of a fat, bearded dude just because he's dressed in a red suit and laughs out a "ho ho ho." Any other time of year we would be calling the police if that guy came within 20 feet of our precious babies. "Pervert!" we would scream as we doused him in pepper spray and kicked him in the huevos.

But no. It's Christmas and he's passing out candy canes. Well by all means, here you go! Please, hold my child total stranger! Put her on your lap! Of course she wants a candy cane! Why would I have a problem with a strange man in a red velvet suit passing out candy to my children??

Come on kid, climb up on Santa's lap!! What do you mean you don't to?? Get up there, you ungrateful little brat and stop crying so I can take your picture. It's Santa, what the hell is wrong with you?? Say cheeeeeese!!

I just don't get why they don't want to do it....

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Purse

As requested (by all two of you). Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Purse....Here she is resting in Boo's chair by the tree. So Holiday Chic....

... And up close. Isn't she fabulous? And just in case you were wondering, I have her in a larger tote bag size as well. Both a gift from my fab MIL two years ago. Aaahhh, it's good to be me.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Where Are You Christmas?

I've been feeling a little Grinch-y this year about Christmas. And I don't really know why. I just feel like I am being forced into it, like it's coming so fast and I can't stop it. And I normally love the holidays. But this year?? Not so much.

So I need to focus. Get into the Christmas spirit. Shake off the Scroogieness. Think about all the things I love about Christmas. Things like...

... My Christmas Tree - Which is so beautiful!

... All my gorgeous ornaments that make me happy.

... Seeing a tree strapped to the roof of a car.

... Watching Love Actually.

... Listening to Uberman sing "I feel it in my fing-ahs!" after watching Love Actually.

... Boo singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in the shower.

... The smell of wrapping paper and ribbon.

... My SIL's fudge. It's a party in your mouth.

... Frank Sinatra singing Jingle Bells.

... Breakfast at my MIL's on Christmas morning (which usually includes Uberman's Nana's homemade chorizo).

... Christmas Cookie Yankee Candles.

... Watching The Family Man.

... Baking cookies.

... Christmas parties.

... My pearl snowman earrings, a gift from MIL's best friend Patty.

... Christmas cards in the mail.

... My new True Shimmer Peppermint Rush chapstick.

... My Aunt K's no bake cookies. She makes them every year on Christmas day just for me.

... Watching Home Alone with the kids.

... Dean Martin singing Baby It's Cold Outside.

... Balsam and Cedar Yankee Candles.

... Bath & Body Works Mistletoe soap.

... My red, faux fur trimmed Christmas purse.

... My comfy flannel red plaid Mickey Mouse Christmas pajama bottoms.

... Watching Elf.

... Johnny Mathis singing It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas.

... My sparkly silver ball earrings.

... White twinkle lights.

... Making Wonder Mix for the neighbors. (And Uberman, who hates sharing it with the neighbors.)

... Watching Christmas Vacation.

... Seeing Uberman in his "Merry Christmas, Shitter Was Full" t-shirt.

... Getting all dressed up to have lunch a few days before Christmas with just my mom and Boo.

... Mint M&M's.

These are a few of my favorite things......

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Hunko Drunko Bunco

Hello.

The Queen is not herself today... She's recovering from all the um . . . merriment from the evening before. The merriment that was known as Hunko Drunko Bunco.

Let me just give y'all a little background info to get you caught up. I'm in a Bunco group with 15 other friends. We get together once a month to eat, gossip, laugh, make fun of each other, scream "Woo Hoo!", high five, fist pound, and play a dice game for money. It's awesome.

So we thought it would be fun to add the husbands for our Christmas Bunco, hence the "Hunko" part. And then some genius thought since we were adding the husbands, why not cocktails?? And Hunko Drunko Bunco was born. And as soon as I can remember whose idea it was to have the cocktails, I am kicking that chick's ass. Oh, wait... Ummmmm... I think it was my idea.... Anyhoots, moving on.

Is it just me or is the typing noise from my keyboard really, really loud today??

So where was I?? Oh yes, Hunko Drunko Bunco. It was wonderful. We had the best time. Everyone. Well I guess I am technically speaking for everyone, but yeah, everyone had a good time. I was a little worried about the husbands. Some of them didn't know each other and you know how guys are, right? Sometimes if they don't know people they tend to be a little quiet. A little shy. A little tentative.

But I forget that these men are married to 16 of the LOUDEST, CRAZIEST, most fun women in the world. Needless to say, they all got along beautifully. And once we pried them out of Uberman's sweet man cave, they all caught onto the game very quickly. Because as you know, there is so much skill required when playing bunco. That was a joke. I realize I'm a little off tonight. Just go with it, okay?

Seriously, this keyboard is so flipping loud tonight. What do you do to fix that? Anyone??

Nevertheless, I am so happy the evening was such a huge success. I was happy to see all my girls are married to such wonderful, charming and handsome men. And I am not just saying that because many of them read this blog. Oh no, I am totally not a suck up. But did I mention how handsome these men were?? And funny?? And witty and intelligent??

I am totally looking forward to doing this again next year. Except this time, without the peppermint martinis. And margaritas. And Strongbow cider. And beer.

I need some Tylenol. And a nap.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Recipe Day - Part Deux: The Revenge of the Recipe

Hello cyber friends... Guess what?? I'm an idiot. Yes, shocking but true.

So remember last week when I was all, "Oh look at me, I am so cool and sophisticated. I'm making my mom's Pumpkin Gingerbread Trifle for Thanksgiving. Because I'm awesome. Watch out Rachel Ray, you're going down. Bee-yotch."

Well get this. I make the trifle. It's very easy. I put it in a trifle bowl. Yes, I totally own one. Because that's what you do when you're a sophisticated trifle maker. You have the proper equipment. I take it to my MIL's house. Everyone oohs and aaahs. I nod, blush and feign embarrassment. "Oh, please!" I say. "Really, it was nothing."

During dessert, I carry it to the dining room like a golden idol. I set it down, imagining the sound of angel trumpets as it rests on the smooth wooden surface of my MIL's dining table. I serve helpings to the other guests confidently. "Enjoy," I tell them, as though I have just handed them a moist, delicious, whipped cream covered pile of cash.

After everyone is served, I take a small helping for myself. I take a bite, anxious to savor the fruits of my labor. I am overwhelmed with the strong taste . . . of pumpkin. Not sweet pumpkin pie pumpkin. Just pumpkin. Hmmm, I think. This does not taste like mom's. I take another bite. Oh. My. God. This is disgusting. I put the spoon down and look around the room. People are talking, laughing, sipping coffee and eating. No one seems to notice the trifle is gross. Why is it gross?? What the heck did I do wrong here???

On Sunday, my mom brings the kids home from their weekend visit with her. "How did your trifle turn out?" she asks.

"Well," I tell her. "It didn't taste as good as yours. Not nearly as sweet. I think I did something wrong. It was really pumpkin-y."

"What kind of pumpkin pie filling did you use?" she asks. And with that, a light bulb went on over my head. I had not used pumpkin pie filling. Oh, no my dear friends. Even though the recipe specifically called for it. In my haste to get the heck out of the grocery store that evening, I had purchased . . . a can of pumpkin. Just a plain can of pumpkin. Hello?? Culinary moron, party of one please.

I served raw canned pumpkin to my husband's family. Including his 78 year old Nana. I don't think they'll be asking me to bring a dish again.... Sigh.

So here is the recipe, if any of y'all want to try it for your Christmas/Holiday Festivities. Better luck to you than I had. Oh how it sucks being stupid....

Pumpkin Gingerbread Trifle (This is a Paula Deen Recipe)

14 ounce package gingerbread mix (I used Krusteaz brand)
1 large box cook and serve vanilla pudding mix
1 30 ounce can PUMPKIN PIE FILLING
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/3 teaspoon cinnamon
1 12 oz container frozen whipped topping
1/2 cup gingersnaps (optional) or 1/2 cup toasted pecans

Bake the gingerbread according to the package directions. Cool completely. Meanwhile, prepare the pudding and set aside to cool. Once cooled, stir the PUMPKIN PIE FILLING, sugar and cinnamon into the pudding. Crumble 1/2 batch of gingerbread into the bottom of a large, clear bowl (or if you're cool like me, use a trifle bowl). Pour 1/2 of pudding mixture over the gingerbread, then add a layer of the whipped topping. Repeat with remaining gingerbread, pudding and whipped topping. Sprinkle top with crushed gingersnaps and/or toasted pecans, if desired. Refrigerate overnight.

When prepared properly, it is delicious. Bon Apetite! (Because that's what you say when you cook a lot and know what you're doing.) Watch out Top Chef - April is in the house. Holl-ah!