Monday, September 29, 2008

Working with the Public

I got hit on today. By a man no younger than 85. Oh that's right, Baby. I am in demand. I mean granted the guy's eyesight was obviously shot. He probably had some kind of optic disorder where everything he sees is tall and thin. But still. I'll take what I can get. Here's how our conversation went.

Flirty Guy: You're sure a pretty girl.
Me: Uuuhh... Thank you.
Flirty Guy: You got a fella?
Me: A what?
Flirty Guy: A fella. A guy. A duuuuude.
Me: Um, wow. Yes. Yes I do.
Flirty Guy: Figures. He ever let you fool around?
Me: (Staring.)
Flirty Guy: Maybe on a case by case basis?
Me: (Smiling) Um, no. Probably not. He's a little old fashioned, I'm afraid. I'm sorry.
Flirty Guy: Oh. (Winks) That's too bad.
Me: Yeah, for you. (Smiling, winking back.)
Flirty Guy: Will you let me know if things don't work out?
Me: You're first on the list. Officially.
Flirty Guy: Thanks, Sweetie.
Me: Anytime.
Flirty Guy: (Slips on blue blockers and shuffles toward the door.)

Oh yeah. 37, mother of three. But I've still got it. Don't think for one minute I didn't milk that all day. "What? You need me to do what? I'm sorry. I am too busy being eye candy for the geriatric demographic. Yeah? Well, you know, everyone has their niche."

Check. Me. Out.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Who's The Freak Now?

Okay I just have to tell you that y'all crack me up.

I have shared some very personal information with you. Some ultra freaky embarrassing stuff. I have told you that I eat my chips from smallest to largest. That I won't share dairy products with anyone, even my own children. That I can't go to sleep unless I have checked my microwave for crusted up gunk. That it drives me flipping LOONEY if Boo is drinking out of a cup with a non-matching lid. That I took my 8 year old son to Hooters for his birthday. That I am currently reading a series of books about sparkly non-teleporting vampires . . . and loving them. That I am counting down the days until the new Bond movie opens (52, thank you very much) and that I would run away with Daniel Craig if he came knocking at my door....

And with each of those things, you, my bloggy and real life friends, my faithful readers, assured me that I was not a freak. That I was indeed "normal."

Until my shocking and jaw dropping revelation from my previous post.... I iron! For the whole family! Dun dun duuuunnnnnn!!

Yes, my friends. I iron. My kids, my husband, myself. We do not leave the house unless we are freshly pressed. Creases in the sleeves. Not a wrinkle in sight. So there. Take that Pioneer Woman. You think you're so cool with your pretty pictures and your yummy recipes. I may not know how to run a cattle ranch, but I can iron the prettiest shirt you have ever seen.

And if that makes me a freak, so be it. At least I am a freak with creases in her sleeves.

Love y'all. Even if you are a wrinkled mess. Hope you are having a great week!

Editor's note: And just to let you know, I iron out of necessity. I hate folding clothes. I loathe it. Detest it. Abhor it with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Therefore, I let clothes sit in a pile in the laundry basket, becoming what I affectionately refer to as The Laundry Mountain. The clothes sit, the wrinkles set. Thus, I spend Sunday evenings in front of the TV catching up on TiVo and ironing and folding my little heart away. So no offense to the Pioneer Woman. I am sure she irons, too. I've never seen a picture of her Cowboy in wrinkled wranglers.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Queen in Training

First week of training - ovaaaahhhh!! One down, one to go. And just so y'all don't panic and send out a search party, I thought I would give you a peek into my average day. This way you know what I am up to and why I have not had time to be a good blogger lately. Okay?

5:30 AM - Alarm goes off. I reluctantly get out of bed...
6:30 AM - I am on the road.
6:40 AM - Stop at Starbucks, get a Pumpkin Spice Latte for my MIL, who watches my little Boo during the day, including taking her to preschool and picking her up, and picking the boys up from school and keeping them until I get off work. I think the woman deserves to start her day with a delicious hot beverage, don't you?
6:50 AM - Drop Boo off at Granny's.
7:00 AM - On the freeway for my drive to, no joke, the extreme opposite side of town.
8:30 AM - Begin training class.
8:30 - 4:30 - In training class. Take notes, listen, yawn, take notes, listen, occasionally laugh, take more notes, listen some more, yawn some more, but learn so much my head hurts at the end of the day.
4:30-6:00 PM - Back on freeway.... Slowly, oh so slowly make my way across town again.
6:00 PM - Pick up kids from Grandparents (who have usually fed them dinner. I LOVE these people!).
6:25 PM - Arrive home.
6:25 - 8:30 PM - Prepare and eat dinner with Uberman, do a load of laundry, clean up dinner mess, check homework, iron everyone's clothes for next day, pack lunches for next day, break up arguments between siblings, get kids ready for bed.
8:30 PM - Kids in bed.
8:30 - 9:00 PM - Check emails, read blogs, pay bills, etc.
9:00 PM - Get ready for bed.
9:30 PM - Watch TV and visit with Uberman until I finally fall asleep and the day starts all over again.

One more week. One more week. One more week.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Day In Numbers

Number of new jobs started today: 1

Number of drug tests successfully passed: 1! (Phew.)

Number of hours spent on the freeway for commute (both ways): 1.5 (not bad)

Number of hours spent in a beige classroom listening to facilitator while critiquing her training skills: 6.25 (I swear to you that last 15 minutes was the longest of my life!)

Number of awesome benefits at new job: 1,385,260 (give or take a few)

Number of blow hards in training with me who would NOT SHUT UP AND QUIT ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS (Do you NOT see the packet of info in front of you with the answers ON IT???): 1

Number of young girls in training with me who spent the entire lunch break talking about her weekend on her cell phone: 1

Number of guys she "Hooked Up" with over the weekend: 2

Number of times my mouth fell open during her conversation: 4

Number of people in the room who could hear every word she said: 12

Number of times I wanted to kick the people next to me for talking while the facilitator was talking: 4 (Our we grown ups or what, people? If I wanted to spend my day shushing people I would have stayed home!)

Number of diet pepsi's I drank today to stay awake: 3 (I'm not proud.)

Number of people I saw in the carpool lane who were not carpoolers: 17! (And that was only counting for about four miles! Cheaters!)

Number of hours of sleep I got last night: 4.5

Number of bags under my eyes: 2 (Under each eye. Oh yeah, I am so hot today.)

Number of hours I plan to sleep tonight: 9!

Number of Pizzas I plan to order for dinner tonight: 2

Number of business days until I actually get to work at my wicked awesome new office: 10

Number of awesome in laws shuttling my kids around for the next two weeks: 3 (FIL, MIL, SIL)

Number of hearts I need to hold all the love I have for my awesome family, friends (real and bloggy) and new job: 18,000!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Innocence

I have a GREAT story for you. This is not my story, but I have permission to tell it. And when I heard it, I knew you would love it. Are you ready? Okay!

My Auntie B is one of my best friends. She is only a few years older than I, so really not old enough to be my aunt. She is married to my hot uncle... We'll call him Hot Uncle. I know, gross. I mean he's not gross, he's hot! But gross for me to think my uncle is hot. Never fear, he's not a blood relative. He's just a guy, who happens to be in my family, and is hot. I know, weird. But hey, dysfunctional is in.

So anyhoo, Auntie B is GORGEOUS. Stunning. A former Miss (insert state here). She happens to own her own successful dance studio here in our state. And Hot Uncle owns his own business as well. The two of them were at a networking function, talking to other business owners, trying to promote their businesses, that sort of thing. Everyone was broken off into smaller groups talking and getting to know one another.

So this couple starts talking to Auntie B. We'll call them Friendly and Mrs. Friendly. They start off with some small talk about their own business, then ask if she came alone. Auntie B told them no, she came with her husband. Now Auntie B is one of those people that sees the best in everyone. She roots for the underdog, rescues stray animals, etc. She would give you the Pradas off her feet. Are you following me? And she's totally unaware of how chic and amazing she is. So she's kind of oblivious when someone is coming on to her. Including her 18 year old son's friends. But that's a story for another blog post.

So Friendly is being, well, um, friendly, and asking questions about Hot Uncle's business. He asks her where Hot Uncle is and Auntie points across the room to where Hot Uncle is mingling with a small group of men. Friendly and Mrs. Friendly follow her pointed finger and then turn and look at each other and smile. Mrs. Friendly nods. Friendly then says something about how nice it is she supports her husband and comes to functions like this with him. She tells him she is there to promote her own business as well. He seems surprised and asks her what kind of business she has.

She says "I own my own dance studio."
He says "Oh....." He and Mrs. Friendly exchange looks. Mrs. Friendly raises her eyebrows and smiles big. Auntie B is thinking "Oh good, they must have a daughter and are looking for a good place to put her in dance."

Friendly leans in closer to her. He looks around and then says quietly "Do you guys swing?" Mrs. Friendly leans in anxiously to hear her answer....

"No, I'm sorry," Auntie B says shaking her head with disappointment. "I only teach tap, jazz and ballet."

Have a great weekend Internets!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Luck Be A Lady

Let's talk about taking risks for a moment, shall we?

I am not much of a risk taker. Safety is usually a sure thing. I am not big on taking a gamble and suffering the loss.

Yesterday, the office with Good Cop/Bad Cop called and offered me the job. And instead of being happy and excited, I was devastated. I knew I didn't want to work there. The hours they were assigning me were going to make things at home very difficult. The energy level there was not the same. I just didn't feel it, you know? Do you ever have to feel it to make a decision?

So I told Good Cop I needed to discuss it with my husband and I would call her back in the morning. I didn't sleep much last night. I should have been happy. Thankful to be given this opportunity when there are so many people who would have gladly taken it. But I would be worried about my babies, wondering if they were happy with their arrangements. Worried about the extra load I would be putting on Uberman. Worried about the additional inconvenience to my awesome MIL and SIL who offered to help with the kids. Worried that no matter what I did it would not be good enough for Bad Cop.

This morning I turned the job down. I thanked Good Cop for her time and the opportunity. And I explained that I had to be honest with her. The hours were not going to work for my family. And thankfully, I am in a position where my family can be my priority. Uberman and I both felt a little sick. My good friend Marci told me I had a set of balls and she wished she had my courage. But unfortunately, a good set of balls isn't going to pay the electric and put food on the table. Well maybe for some people. But that's a blog for a different day.

Four hours later, the other office called. Fun office. Dream office. Paradise office. They offered me the job in their office. I start Monday.

I took a risk. It payed off. I am not sure I will be trying that again. I am pretty sure my luck expired with that decision. But who cares? I am so happy!!

Do you know how hard it is to update your blog while jumping up and down?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

You Say It's Your Birthday

Today is my birthday. Yes, thank you. I love my birthday, I always have. I love that it is in September, because I have the best birthstone. And I love that it is on the 7th because that is a lucky day. And I love that every 5 years it is on Labor Day. My birthday rocks.

So in honor of my 37th birthday, I would like to share with you 37 things I know for sure.

  1. Sometimes your mother is right.
  2. Always trust your instincts.
  3. If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
  4. Things are not always black or white. There are grey areas.
  5. It's okay for people to disagree.
  6. Maybelline Great Lash Mascara is still the best.
  7. It is never acceptable to be rude.
  8. Nobody's life is perfect.
  9. No matter what job you have in life, you will always find yourself working with the same people. They just have different names.
  10. Being happy is so much easier than being miserable.
  11. A pair of Spanx can make you a whole new woman.
  12. Sometimes it is necessary to do something you don't want to do.
  13. You can't judge a book by its cover and you can't judge a person based on first impressions.
  14. You do not have to be friends with everyone.
  15. Not everyone is going to like you.
  16. It's okay to admit when you are wrong.
  17. When you tell someone you are sorry, mean it.
  18. You absolutely can not please everyone.
  19. It is okay to say no.
  20. Sometimes you have to make a mess in order to clean up a mess.
  21. Life is so much easier when you are organized.
  22. People can change.
  23. Your way is not the only way.
  24. Sometimes it's okay to flush the plan.
  25. And sometimes it's better to stick with the plan.
  26. Nine times out of ten the movies you are adamant about not wanting to see are the ones you will laugh at the most.
  27. Your kids are listening to everything you say, even if you don't think they are.
  28. It's okay to be angry or sad, but at some point it's up to you to get over it.
  29. Everything in moderation.
  30. It's so much easier to be a parent before you actually become one.
  31. Being in a foreign country is a lot like being a guest in someone's home, it is essential to be polite, mind your manners and be thankful.
  32. Everyone looks different on the outside, but inside we are all the same.
  33. You can't spend your life looking back, you will miss what's in front of you.
  34. No matter how overwhelming the task, you will always feel better once it's finished.
  35. Life is often like Survivor. You need an alliance to make it to the end.
  36. Only God knows your heart.
  37. Learn, learn, learn from your mistakes.

Have a wonderful and joyous September 7th! Treat yourself to something sweet. Thanks for sharing my birthday with me!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Updates, Cookies and Prayers, Oh My

So here's the dealio.

Third interview yesterday, it went so well. It was at a different location, different women interviewing me. They were awesome. We clicked right away. And guess what? They have an opening at that office. The only problem, the other office gets first dibs because they interviewed me first.

Buuuuuut (whining, stamping feet), I would so much rather go to this location over the one last weeeeeeeeek. First of all, it is MUCH closer to home. My commute would be 4 miles as opposed to 15 miles. I mean come on!! Can you even consider less than 4 miles a commute? Second, the hours they need me are much more conducive to my kid's schedules. Dude! I would not have to worry about after school care for the boys and I could still take Boo to preschool. It's perfect! Third, the environment and atmosphere at the second office was just so different than the first. There was more energy, more smiling, more laughter. It just seemed more fun. And that's just so much more how I roll. Right?? More fun!!

So here is what I ask of you. Because you are my peeps and I know I can count on you. I need you to pray and cross your fingers, legs and toes that it will work out and I can be assigned to that location, with the awesome hours and non-commute and super fun new work friends. Yes, I realize I should just be praying I get a job, much less making all these extra demands. But I am thinking blue sky, people. Blue sky and rainbows and sparkly hearts and me running barefoot through a meadow filled with flowers as I celebrate the joys of having the perfect job with perfect hours and perfect coworkers and perfect drive there.

Did I mention there is a Paradise Bakery right across the street?? Dude! I know! It's a sign right? Right? The lobby of this office SMELLS LIKE COOKIES!! My favorite smell ever (besides new shoes)!! Hello?? Is it just me or is this not the perfect place for me??

What are you still doing here? You are supposed to be praying for me and crossing all your appendages! Now go!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Barbie - I Can Be Inappropriate

Had a little time to kill today while Boo was in preschool, so I walked around Toys R Us for a little while. I know, weird place to go without kids. But both Boo and Junior have birthdays coming up and believe it or not Christmas is not too far away, so I thought it might be good to start scoping out the prospects.
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I'm always drawn to the Barbie aisle. I love Barbie. I know, how totally anti-feminist of me. Guess what? I occasionally eat at Hooters, too. And I know Barbie puts some unrealistic expectations out there for girls, but I like it that there is a line of dolls called Barbie - I Can Be. There's Barbie - I Can Be a Doctor, Barbie - I Can Be a Teacher, Barbie - I Can Be a Soccer Star. Thank God Barbie finally realized she needed to get a job! However, these dolls are still a tad bit unrealistic.
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This one for example:

This is Barbie - I Can Be a Zoo Doctor. Uuuuummmm..... Is this really appropriate zoo employee attire? I mean come on, bare midriff? Isn't that a little dangerous around the animals? Shouldn't you be a little more covered? Protect that delicate skin from sharp claws and teeth? I don't know. And is it just me or does this Barbie look just like Chrissy from Three's Company? She just looks too dumb to be a doctor at the Zoo.
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And then there's this one:
This is Barbie - I Can Be a TV Chef. Really? Because if you take away the refrigerator and the work station it looks like Barbie - I Can Be a Porn Star. Seriously? Red boots? I have never seen Rachel Ray or Paula Deen in a pair of red boots. And what is up with the pony tails?

But this one is my very favorite:
This is Barbie for President - 2008. Yeah. A real female politician would not be caught dead in a blue suit with sparkly silver pinstripes. Can any of you see Hillary or even the lovely Sarah Palin carrying a pink phone and pink laptop? I am 100% certain our own Janet Napolitano would beat the crap out of a chick dressed like this. And check out her inauguration gown. A little too Marilyn Monroe, don't you think? Come to think of it, that blue suit looks a little Monica Lewinsky. Maybe this one should have been called "Barbie for Mistress to the President." And I bet she's not wearing panties under that suit either.

Come on Mattel. I appreciate that you are trying to encourage young girls to follow their dreams. I know you want to reinforce that little girls can be anything they want to be. But Jeez Louise, can't she do it with her clothes on? Can we please get a Barbie that does not look like a trampy whore?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Everything You Wanted To Know About Vampires, But Were Afraid To Ask

So Raia has gotten me hooked on the Twilight books. I know. I can't believe I am reading a series of books about a girl who falls in love with a vampire. And I can't put them down. And don't tell anyone I told you this, but I am only half way through the second book and I have already cried. Twice. Seriously. Actual tears on my face.

And Uberman thinks the whole thing is hilarious. He's making fun of me. He's making fun of Me. When he's the one screaming into his headset and taunting some 14 year old kid in Columbus "Oh yeah! I kicked your ASS! You suck at Medal of Honor kid. Maybe you should go back to Mario Party!" Uh-huh.

So the following is a transcript of an actual conversation we had last night while I was trying to read and he was learning to virtually jump out of a plane without getting killed by Nazis (insert eye roll here):

Uberman: So how did he learn to stop time?
Me: Who?
Uberman: The vampire.
Me: He doesn't stop time.
Uberman: He doesn't stop time?
Me: No.
Uberman: Huh. What about teleport?
Me: No.
Uberman: He doesn't teleport?
Me: No. Can I read my book now?
Uberman: Sure. So what does he do?
Me: He listens to people's thoughts.
Uberman: Well sure, don't they all?
Me: No, some of them have different gifts.
Uberman: Like what?
Me: Like his sister predicts the future.
Uberman: A vampire who can predict the future?
Me: Yeah. And his brother has the ability to calm a tense situation.
Uberman: That's a sucky gift.
Me: I guess. Can I please read now?
Uberman: How do they make money? Do they have jobs?
Me: Duh, the sister predicts the future. They invest in the market.
Uberman: Oh. But they don't teleport?
Me (frustrated): No! They don't teleport!
Uberman (laughing): Why?
Me (eyes rolling, voice getting shrill): Because that would make it ridiculous!

Uberman wiped the tears from his eyes, shoulders shaking from hysterical laughter.


Not that I am knocking these books, because they are riveting. But in my own defense I would like to point out that I have been reading Jane Austen since 1987, before it was cool to read Jane Austen. I love Hawthorne, Steinbeck and Henry James and I think To Kill A Mockingbird was the greatest piece of fiction ever written. Not that I feel like I have to defend myself. I'm just sayin'.