Thursday, July 31, 2008

This Ain't The Jonas Brothers

Okay unless you live under a rock, I am sure you have heard this song. It's been number one for six weeks.

It's a catchy little tune, you can't deny it. That beat stretches from your ears to your toes and the next thing you know you're bobbing your head and shakin' your groove thing.

Only one small problem. You are the mother of three impressionable young children. You can't go be-bopping around town in the family truckster belting out I kissed a girl and I liked it. There are just too many questions that are going to come up.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right

I can't get this song out of my head. I'll be totally honest with you.... It makes me want to dance. Yes, I am a thirty-six year old responsible wife and mom. I am so not MTV's demographic. I mean I'm a Republican for crying out loud! I can't be listening to this crap.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it

Damn you Katy Perry! I want to kick your short skirt wearing, cherry chap stick loving, experimenting little ass. Right after I finish jamming to your dumb song.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Girlfriends

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A few posts ago I was serious. Today, I am mushy. So if you aren't in a feel good, sentimental mood, you may want to skip this post. Or you can read it with your finger down your throat. Either way. Whatever.
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I have been in a serious funk lately. And I think I am allowed, don't you? But one can only stew in the funk for so long. There comes a time when you need pick yourself up by the bra straps and move on. And sometimes you need a friend to tell you when that time has come.
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Today a group of my girls convinced me to get out of my jammies, away from the Project Runway Marathon (don't panic, totally TiVo'd it), and spend the morning with them watching our kids swim, laughing and talking about everything from my next blog topic (one suggestion is the on going outbreak of men displaying their butt cracks in public) to schools to breast feeding to various forms of birth control (which also called for a brief anatomy lesson).
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We made a big salad for lunch, everyone bringing something to contribute to it. And just like the salad, each of these girls contribute something different to my life. I am so thankful for my Girlfriends. I am very fortunate to have a lot of them. And believe me, I am not bragging. I am an in awe at the fact that most of these women are still speaking to me after all these years. I need each and every one of them, for different reasons.
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Have I sunk to a new low comparing my friendships to a salad? But really, think about it. Some of you are the lettuce - the foundation. Some of you are the chicken - the protein that fills me. Some of you are the extra salty - the nuts (ha!). Some of you are the sweet. Some of you are the spicy and flavorful dressing. Some of you are the bright vivacious color that make the salad pretty. Some of you are that little extra, like the stinky cheese. And don't be offended, that is my favorite part of the salad. I hope I am someone's stinky cheese.
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I watched our daughters sit in a circle today and share various foods from their lunch boxes- chips, grapes, cheetos, teddy grahams. It was the three and four year old's version of a salad. I hope I am someone's teddy graham.
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Regardless of how often I talk to you or see you, if you are my friend, I need you. You are in my life for a reason. And I am so thankful for you. Regardless of how fulfilled your life is, how strong your marriage is, how amazing your kids are, sometimes it's your girlfriends who get you through the day. Who give you the strength to face the next day. Who help you laugh and cry and decide which birth control is best for you. Who can forgive you for forgetting the stinky cheese and say the salad is good anyway. Who let you eat the last cheeto or teddy graham.
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Thank you to my girls - Dee and Raia, She She, Marci, Erin, Kim A, Brooke, Bex, Kristen S, Lisa TJ, Flint, Jess, Katiekins, Kim F, Diane, Amy A, Wendy, Jenna, Jerolyn, Jovina, Serena, Robin, Nicole, Mary O, Auntie B, Kristin H, Karen, and Tricia. Where would I be without you?
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Monday, July 28, 2008

Abundant

Uberman has a pretty sweet man cave. It has everything a guy could want. Big, comfy, overstuffed seating. Two flat screens so he can watch not one, but two games at once. Mini-fridge stocked with weird beer you have never heard of (Uberman is a serious beer snob). Sports memorabilia all over the walls. Giant autographed magazine cover of Gena Lee Nolin. It's basically the room every guy dreams of.

But there is one problem. I thought I would share it with you. Are you ready? Here goes...
















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For the two flat screens.
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For the stereo and surround sound.
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DVR for the TV on the left.
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TiVo for the TV on the right.
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Projector and Movie Screen.
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DVD Player.
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XBOX 360 - To keep in touch with his inner 12 year old boy.
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PlayStation 3 - same explanation as above
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The Universal Remote his parents bought him for Christmas. Two years ago. Probably out dated. Still. In. The. Box.
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You see my friends, the only thing we are apparently lacking in this room . . . is efficiency.


Dear Blogger, you are a dirty pirate hooker. Just because I am currently unemployed, it does not mean my time is not valuable. In the amount of time it took me to edit this post, I could have cleaned my bathrooms, folded two loads of laundry, changed the sheets on all the beds and come up with a cure for cancer. Thanks for starting my morning on such high note. Sincerely, the irritated and frustrated Queen.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Redundant

So far this no job thing I'm trying is awesome.

Yesterday I watched 8 straight hours of TiVo. In my pajamas. But I was productive, I completed one whole load of laundry. And I didn't neglect my babies, I fed them cereal, crackers, frozen pizza, ice cream and sourdough toast. For dinner I went all out. I made Ramen noodles. Which I have not eaten in probably 25 years. And they were delicious. Next time I am going to add some chicken.

Today's agenda? Baking. Because I feel like it. I am going to make
Katie's Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Bars and Oatmeal Cake. I'm also going to eat a pretty significant portion of both. And I am going to wash it all down with Diet Pepsi. At least until 5:00 pm and then I'm going to switch to a bottle of Riesling. Because it goes so well with desserts.

So yeah, I think I am handling everything really well.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Unknown

Well folks, this is going to be a serious post. Prepare.

I have said this before, but there are so many times when I wish I had decided to remain anonymous. It's not that I am a private person, because I will tell you anything you want to know. It's just that sometimes, I think I would be more open with my feelings if I was sure nobody I knew was reading about them. I'm a pretty open person in real life, so I am not sure why I find it difficult to share certain things on my blog. Maybe it's the fear of criticism or judgement. I really don't know.

But I started this blog for me. And sometimes I need to forget that there are other people reading it. Sometimes I need to use it just to get stuff off my chest. To deal with stuff I am keeping inside.

So with that said.... It has been a difficult two weeks.

I have talked vaguely about work. Let's just say for the past four years I have been working in an industry where confidentiality is necessary. But the industry I am in has affected and been affected by the economy, if that makes sense. And for a while we were fine. But as the downward spiral of the economy continued, things began to slow. And then, in the past few months, things have come to a screeching halt. I'm not stupid. I keep my eyes open. I watch CNBC every day, all day. I know what's going on and why. I knew my job was a ticking time bomb. So last week, the He Boss regretfully informed me they wouldn't be needing me anymore.

It was a difficult decision for him. I could see it on his face. I could hear it in his voice. But I wasn't surprised. I knew it was coming. Even though people would ask me how my job was going, I would smile and tell them it was fine. But I knew.

Today was my last day.

I have been very fortunate to work for the two people who own this business. I have learned so much from them. Not only about this industry, but running a business in general. I have learned about negotiating, about taking advantage of opportunity, about the importance of confidence and how to get people to do what you need them to do. I have learned that helping someone accomplish their goals can be more rewarding than making money.

At this point, my career path is uncertain. Can I just tell you how much I hate uncertainties? I fear the unknown. So yeah, I'm a little scared. I am focusing on the positives. I am fortunate that Uberman has an amazing job that provides us with benefits. I am fortunate that he works so hard so that I don't have to work as much and I can be there for our babies. I am fortunate that right now there is no need to panic.

God has a plan. When one door shuts, another one opens. Change is good. Yes, I have heard them all. And I am thankful for the people who love me enough to say these things to me. But I still have the nervous tummy. I still am not sleeping well at night. I am still uncertain about the future. I know I am being steered in another direction. I can feel that with every part of my being. And I do have hope. Which is a lot more than many people out there have right now.

So! Focusing on the positives, I came up with a list titled The Benefits of Being (Temporarily) Unemployed. Ladies and Gentlemen, here they are:

  • I can spend the last two weeks of summer enjoying my children before they head back to school.
  • I can focus my energy on cleaning my house, catching up on laundry and organizing my closet.
  • I can catch up on my People magazines and hopefully read at least one of the seven books collecting dust on my nightstand.
  • I can go to lunch with my girlfriends.
  • I do not have to think about what I am going to wear and whether or not it is clean and/or ironed.
  • I do not have set tire on the freeway.
  • I will spend less money on gas!!
  • I can sleep in, at least until the kids get me up.
  • I can go grocery shopping in the middle of the day and avoid the crowds.
  • And most importantly - I will not feel worn out at the end of the day and guilty about the time spent away from home.
So raise your Diet Pepsi cans with me. Here's to the great unknown!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

My My, How Can I Resist You?

My sister in law, She She, and I went to see the movie Mamma Mia last night.

Now please keep in mind, I love me a good musical. I thoroughly believe this world would be a better place if we all broke out in song and choreographed dance moves at least once a day. Think about how much more fun it would be to go to the grocery store or the bank or the post office if you knew there was a possibility people were going to bust out singing and dancing and round-off back-hand-springing across the tiles. And this movie was cute. It was fun, had some humorous moments and a good story. And who doesn't love Meryl Streep? And Colin Firth (sigh) is so dreamy.

Ahem. However... There were moments during the movie when I was uncomfortable. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean embarrassed. Mortified. For the actors. This movie was so over the top and uber-cheesy I actually felt my face turning red several times. And I am the type of person who is almost impossible to embarrass. I was so distracted wondering how the producers got these actors to agree to do this movie. To sing and dance and jump around shirtless in a fountain. I know it sounds hot, but it was sooooo not. I mean I like making money too, but there are limits to what I will do in order to receive a paycheck people. Are you following me here? Have you ever felt embarrassed for the actors in a movie? No??

Okay, let's imagine you are channel surfing on a Saturday afternoon, and you come across Grease 2. And don't even sit there and try to tell me you would not watch it if you saw it playing on TBS. Because you are a liar. I know it, you know it, and everyone here knows it.

So it's the bowling alley scene and everybody's bopping around singing in chorus about how they're gonna score-ore-ore tonight. And you are like, okay, this is kind of fun, I totally wish I could pirouette and bowl a strike at the same time.

And then the scene changes and everyone's in the parking lot watching Michael/Cool Rider jump a police car on his motorcycle and they all start singing ooooh ooooh who's that guy? You start feeling the heat in your cheeks a little. You might actually roll your eyes and chuckle. But then, at the end, and if I am spoiling it for anyone - really I am doing you a favor, it's the talent show scene and Michelle Pfeiffer is in shock or whatever because she thinks Cool Rider is dead. She kind of forgets that she's supposed to be singing about winter and acting like a Christmas tree and she starts imagining she's in biker heaven with Cool Rider. They are singing to each other about the love they lost and how - in this world - can she make it on her own? Then he's standing at the top of that tire mountain, stretches his hand out to her and says in his sexiest dead biker guy voice - "Stephanie, never forget me!"

You know how you feel at that moment?? When you are DYING you are so embarrassed and you're practically hiding under a blanket or your coffee table and praying to GOD ALMIGHTY no one is going to walk in and actually witness you watching that crap??

That is how I felt watching Mamma Mia. I was Grease 2 embarrassed. My face is red and I am curling my toes after just typing all that. And yet, every time I see it's on I'm all excited "Awesome! Grease 2, man!"

Would I see Mamma Mia again? Only if it was on cable and there was no paper trail or proof that I was watching it again. I think I was more embarrassed watching that than I was watching Sex and The City - with my mother in law. So what does that tell you? I would rather be sitting next to my mother in law watching people get it on than go through the agony of Pierce Brosnan's attempts at singing.

Oh mamma mia indeed.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Random Crapola

Happy Monday!

Seriously, don't you just want to slug people who say that? Anyhoozers, there's a lot going on in my life right now. More than I want to get into at the moment. But never fear, no one is dying or anything. So I thought I would do a bullet point post today. Just some random items that I felt were noteworthy. You might not think so, but hey - It's my blog baby.

And here we go....

  • Did a Starbucks run at lunch today. Well it's actually a Starbucks drive, isn't it? I mean it's officially 187 degrees outside so we all know this plus size girl was not running anywhere. Why do they call it plus size? I mean plus what? A bigger ass? Plus more fabric in the thighs? Really, anyone know? No?? Okay, let's move on. The closest Starbucks is at least a whole quarter of a mile from work. Seriously, who is going to walk that far? Anyway, the reason this Starbucks drive was so significant was because today, I had for the first time ev-ah . . . a mocha frapuccino. I know! Hello 21st Century, my name is April. Pleased to meet you (curtsy). And in case any of you are wondering, I usually prefer my coffee like I like my men - tall, hot and covered in whip cream. Oh my! I can't believe I just said that! It's the caffeine talking. No, really.

  • The funniest thing I saw this weekend was Boo standing at the top of the stairs, iPod head phones in her ears, shaking her money maker and belting out Linkin Park's What I've Done at the top of her lungs. Eyes closed, tiara on her head and full on jazz hands extended. Not a care in the world. Precious!

  • Saturday Uberman and Junior went to a special event for Diamond Backs season ticket holders at Chase Field. There was a raffle for tickets in the batter's box for tonight's game against da Cubs. Junior won!! I don't know who was more excited, Junior or Uberman. We have really good seats anyway, but hello - these are directly behind home plate on the field level! ($400 each!) Every time they show someone up to bat, Junior and Uberman will be on TV, grinning like little kids. Well one of them is a kid, but you get what I mean. Watch for them and let's all pray the D-Backs don't blow it like they did yesterday. Idiots.

  • I tell y'all in my 101 things that I am allergic to weird stuff like zucchini and halibut. I know, I don't get it either. So yesterday we went up to my Mom and Dad's for dinner and to drop off Boo and Mac who are staying with them until Thursday. My mom made the most delicious dinner - the Best Salad in the World (officially), scalloped potatoes, fresh corn on the cob grilled to perfection, homemade bread and . . . fresh halibut they caught on their trip to Alaska a few weeks ago. I had not eaten halibut in 20 years, I really thought maybe I had outgrown my allergy. No such luck. But it was so worth it. Not only was it delish, but I slept AWESOME last night due to my two doses of Benadryl. And the hives have actually given my normal pasty white skin a little color today. It's been a win-win, so yay!

  • My mother cracked me up yesterday and this is probably a "you had to be there" story, but I am sharing anyway. She lives in Podunk Small Hick Town Arizona, and it's lovely. Everyone has a gun rack in the rear window of their pick up and their main street consists of a post office, a volunteer fire department, a gas station and a "restaurant" that serves pizza and ribs. Seriously. So anyway, they live in a cul de sac and she was giving me all the gossip on the neighbors. Nothing too bad, just the usual small town stuff - This guy refused to chip in to have the road paved and this guy caught his wife with someone else, this lady makes the best pies, and then she totally threw me with "And this guy is really nice and I think he's gay because he likes cats." Seriously almost peed my pants from laughing. I mean who needs gaydar? Just give the guy a cat and see how he handles it. Right? My mother is FUNNY!

  • I got a package in the mail this weekend from the lovely Gigglepotamus (Okay Blogger's being a poopie head and not letting me hyperlink right now so check her out in my blogroll to your right, she rocks!). I had ordered one of her adorable t-shirts for my youngest nephew, Smiley McChubbyThighs. It turned out so flipping adorable, I can hardly wait to give it to him for his first birthday. So I was showing it to Uberman and he asked where I got it and I said "My friend Lauren made it." And he says "Who's Lauren?" And then I realize, I have never met her. I only know her through the blogosphere and email. But I feel like we are friends. How weird is that?? I had this same conversation with Caitlin from Bread and Cheese. (Again, refer to blogroll on the right. Your other right! Sheesh!) Which brings me to my next bullet...

  • A lot of people have asked me why I have two blogrolls, so I thought I would explain. The one on the top, or as I affectionately call it, The Queen's Court, is made up of people I know personally or are friends of friends (like Chandy, DutchMac and the awesome Brenda). The list titled The Queen Likes to Read, are people I have never met, but regularly read their blogs. And many of them feel like friends. It's a crazy thing. There are many other blogs I frequent and have not taken the time to list yet, but I feel the same way. Thanks for sharing your stories with me and taking the time to read mine.

That's it for now. Thanks for indulging me today. This was a sucky post. Maybe I should have put that part at the top and saved you some time?? Oh well - Happy Monday!! Muah-ha-ha! (That's supposed to be me cackling, in case you were wondering.)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Rookie Mistake

So I was pumping gas today, minding my own business and jamming to the Mexican music coming from the truck parked at the pump behind me. There was a girl having a difficult time using the pump on the other side of the one I was using. I know this because I had the following conversation with her:

She: Excuse me? Do you, like, know what zip code this is?
Me: I'm sorry?
She: It's asking me for the zip code. How the hell do I know?
Me: Um... It means your zip code.
She: Really?
Me: Really.
She: Like, why does it care about my zip code?
Me: It's a security measure. To make sure you aren't using a stolen credit card.
She: Oh. That's retarded.
Me (sighing): Yeah.

What I really wanted to say: That's the pot calling the kettle black, sweetie. Have you never pumped gas before?

I did smile as I drove away. I needed a little cheering up today. I really believe God sent her to me as a gift. We all know He has a sense of humor. And I could not make this stuff up if I tried, people.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Summer Monkeys

I love being a mom. It sounds so cliche, but being a mom really is the greatest thing ever.

I love everything about being a mom. I loved the planning that went into becoming a mom. I loved buying the pregnancy tests, taking the tests, not believing the results of the tests hence taking more tests (possibly even in a Taco Bell rest room). I loved reading the pregnancy books, going to the doctor and peeing in the little cup, throwing up due to morning sickness and discussing the condition of my cervix with total strangers.

I loved having a baby in the house. I loved getting up in the middle of the night to feed and comfort the baby, I loved my sore nipples and my dark circles from lack of sleep. I loved the cooing, the crying, the spitting up and occasionally getting peed on. I loved that there were baby toys scattered all over my house, Disney movies in my DVD player, and Sesame Street's Greatest Hits playing in the car.

I loved that it took me two hours to get out of the house everyday only to realize I had forgotten the diaper bag. I loved that I never had room for groceries due to the car seats and strollers taking up trunk space. I loved that I was constantly finding crushed up fish crackers in my purse and hot wheel cars in my shoes.

I love watching my babies grow. I love seeing their sweet faces as they sleep, their long eyelashes stretching out over their flushed cheeks. I love driving them all over the place to get them to baseball practice, play dates and birthday parties. I love hearing them tell me the best part of their day.

I love watching my oldest turn into a little man. I love listening to him cheer and yell for his favorite baseball players (by the way A-Rod, thanks for the past few weeks and all the questions I have had to answer regarding cheating, kabalah, and why anyone would leave that pretty lady for that old lady. You suck.), I love watching in awe as he curls up in the corner of the chair in the family room with the latest issue of Kiplingers or Motor Trend. I love that he asks if he can get on the computer to check CNBC and that he TiVo's Jim Cramer. I love that he is smart, sensitive and that he writes beautiful and imaginative stories. I love that he prays and asks questions about God and knows what it means to be a good person.

I love watching my middle child as he is marvelled by the world around him. I love that he says "No, thank you." when I ask him to take out the trash. I love that his laugh is infectious and he thinks a fart is the most hilarious thing ever. I love that he loves animals and feels sad when he sees a lost pet sign on the mailbox. I love that he craves spicy foods and eats salami sandwiches with pepper jack cheese and jalapenos. I love that he reads to his sister and helps his cousin build Lego ships. I love that he is kind and considerate of others. I love that the first thing he does in the morning is give me a hug.

I love having a little girl. I love that she likes to go shopping and wear jewelry, but she has no problems keeping up with her brothers and boy cousins. I love that she knows what she likes and what she wants. I love listening to her sing and watching her dance. I love that she is a girly girl, yet she will play with cars and action figures. I love reading her Fancy Nancy books to her and playing her made up color game. I love that she says "Oooh la la!" when she sees something she likes and "No la la." when she sees something she doesn't. I love that she is meticulous about her toys and where things go in her room and it drives her crazy if the pillows on her bed are turned the wrong way. I love feeling her tiny little hand in mine as we walk together.

I love that all three of them try telling me the same story at the same time. I love that they can never agree where we should eat lunch or what movie we should rent or what game they should play on the Wii. I love that all three of them have a different favorite ice cream flavor and different favorite cereals. I love that all three of them came from the same place, but are totally different.

With all that said.... I love that the summer is coming to an end and school is starting in three weeks. BECAUSE THEY ARE DRIVING ME (AND EACH OTHER) LOONY!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Let's Face It


So I joined Facebook.

I know, I know! Every time someone would ask me if I was on My Space or Facebook I would throw my nose in the air and say "No, I'm 36." I thought those sites were like high school all over again. I was so above all that. Too cool for social networking on line. Totally immune to peer pressure.

Then I found out my girl Dee was on it. Dee, who is just like me - a grown up and above all that nonsense. And then at Bunco Monday night I discovered I was one of the only Bunco Babes not on it. Well I can't have that. I can't be left out. So I caved. I gave in to peer pressure. And now I am on Facebook. And it's not what I expected at all. It's really fun and totally not like high school.

But, is it dorky of me to admit I am totally overwhelmed? People are sending me flair. Flair!! (I don't really like talking about my flair.) There are Flair Points. You get points for sending Flair. So what do you do with your Flair Points? Is it like at Peter Piper Pizza where you cash them in on a whoopee cushion and some pixie sticks?
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You can add a sandbox to your page and fill it full of stuff you like. I have no idea what that means, but I filled mine with glitter, a magic wand, a tiara, a Birkin, and a picture of my pretend celebrity boyfriend. It's kind of like decorating your locker. You would think you would have to spend your Flair points to get stuff for your sandbox. Yeah, someone really should have consulted me before they set this up. My ideas rock.

You can also send and receive gifts (do you need points for this??), buy a round of drinks (or this?), send and receive cupcakes (or this???), talk about your favorite movies and books, and take quizzes. It's crazytown, people! I'm telling you all this and you probably know it. I am convinced I am the last person who was not on it. Uberman and I both. So I sent him an invitation to join. And then I had to beg him to be my friend. Do you believe that garbage? I had to beg my own husband to be my Facebook friend. We'll see who's begging now, buddy.

So give me some advice here, all you Facebook aficionados. Is there Facebook etiquette? Is there protocol? Are there rules?

Can I give myself flair or do I only get flair as gifts? What is this poking thing about? I am not sure if I am okay with that. What if you ask someone to be your friend and they don't want to? Is it okay to talk smack? For example, if someone challenges you to a game of Word Challenge and you KICK THEIR ASS, is it okay to gloat? Or if they challenge you to a game of Tetris, do you let them win so they don't hate you for beating them at Word Challenge? Yeah, E. I am talking to you! BRING IT ON BABY. I don't think you can handle a piece of this. Next thing you know, you're gonna be challenging me to a celebrity trivia match. Where you will go down in flames. Believe that.

Okay, so what was I saying? Oh yeah. It's totally not like high school. Nope. Not at all.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Cold as Ice


Somewhere, there is an A/C repairman blogging about me.

So.... Funny story....

Turns out our A/C was not broken. Nope. It was . . . um . . . well . . . frozen. Literally. When he finally arrived here (miffed that I had not told him our address could not be map quested), he took one look at the A/C unit and asked:

"When was the last time you changed your air filter?"

How rude! How dare he presume just by looking at our air conditioner that we were not taking care of our home! The audacity! The cajones!

Me: Sir. We change our air filter religiously every three months.
He: Yeah? I don't think so.
Me: Excuse me?
He: You see that? (Pointing to base of A/C unit)
Me: What?
He: Ice.
Me: Ice?
He: Ice!
Me: Where?
He: There. That white stuff.
Me: That's not ice. I mean come on! It's one hundred eighty degrees outside. (Laughing at his stupidity) There is no way we could have ice on the outside of the air conditioner. (What a moron!)
He: That is ice.
Me: No, it's not. They paint it white to make it look pretty.
He: (Staring. Blinking. Takes a deep breath.)
Me: Not ice. You are crazy. (Laughing again)

He took a wrench from his pocket. Why is it that all repair people have tools in their pockets? You know what I have in my pocket? Chapstick. And usually one of Boo's barrettes.
With one swift flick of his wrist, he smacked my pretty white pipe with the wrench. The white "paint" shattered and scattered across my side yard. A little piece hit me in the face, right under my eye. It was cold. Very, very cold. As I wiped it away, I felt it melting on my fingers. He picked up a piece from the ground and handed it to me.

"Ice." He said it softly. But ruefully. Jerk.

I tossed it to the side. And sighed.

Me (walking into the house): Babe?
Uberman: Yeah?
Me: When was the last time you changed the air filter?
He: I dunno.
Me: When? When!!??
He: A few months ago. When we had the trees put in, I think.
Me: When we had the trees put in? Seriously??
He: Yeah.
Me: Last SUM-MER??
He: Was it last summer? Wow.
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I turned to the A/C dude, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. A/C dude was not on my side.

He: Leave it off for three hours. That should melt the ice. Call me if you need anything else. (Smirk, smirk)
Me: How much do I owe you?
He: Just give me $40. That will cover my gas.
Me: Want some lemonade? It's delish!

He didn't want the lemonade. And he didn't even crack a smile when I asked if he could adjust the humidity in the house so I could maintain my glow without looking like I had serial killer hair.

Next time I'll call a guy with a sense of humor.






Monday, July 7, 2008

I Am So Hot

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Wow. Someone's feeling uber-confident today." But no. Sadly, I mean I am HOT.

Our upstairs air conditioner went out. Saturday.

I just heard all of my AZ readers utter a collective gasp. Yes. Thank you for your sympathy. I am sitting here sweating it out in the office (which is upstairs) while I wait for the AC Repairman. Who is late. Typical.

So everyone cross your fingers, legs and toes and pray (Roland you can skip that part) that the damage to my bank account will not be too significant. The house is only two years old so it is still under warranty. The unit that is. The labor, however, is not.

And I am almost positive the guy giggled when he told me this. He claims he was just clearing his throat but I am pretty sure it was a stifled giggle. Followed by a low whisper of "Sucker!" And then a fist pound to his imaginary girlfriend. Just for that I will not offer him any of my delicious ice cold raspberry lemonade while he is out there sweating over my AC unit - in direct sunlight. That will show him. Creep. Creep who is tardy.
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I took my friend Katie's lead and went 48 hours with no computer this weekend. And I didn't die. Or even get the shakes. It was nice. So what kind of effed up karma is this that the air goes out? Whatever, I'm over it.
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Anyhoozers, we had a lovely long weekend. And as I drove to work this morning, I had that feeling in my chest. That feeling of having laughed a lot. Do you know that feeling? It's wonderful. It's a feeling of joy and appreciation for good food, family and good friends. So I didn't mind so much that the air had gone out. And that the weekend was over. And that it was a hundred and fifty degrees with a million percent humidity (totally not exaggerating). Because I felt I had a lot to be thankful for.
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And then I looked in the mirror.
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And my hair, which is supposed to look like a darker, slightly longer version of this:
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.... instead looked like this:
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All right Karma. You have officially gone too far. Don't mess with the hair. I honestly don't know what is worse. Going on three days with no upstairs air? Or walking around looking like this guy? At least the lack of air gives me a "glow."
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Seriously, slap a cotton-poly blend denim colored jacket on me and Tommy Lee Jones is gonna come knocking.
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Life is so freakin' unfair.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Queen Gets a Makeover

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So? What do you think?

And if you are a lurker - delurk yourself. I see you Newnan Georgia. I am talking to you. I want to know your thoughts. Your opinion matters. Unless you say it sucks, and then it doesn't count at all.

I'm shakin' things up around here. Out with the old, in with the new! Hopefully the boobs are next.

Have a Happy Fourth!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Queen Goes to REI


Yes, you read that correctly. Yesterday I went to REI. I know what you are thinking. What was the self-proclaimed Indoor Girl doing at REI? I was running an errand for a family member. Because I am awesome like that.
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So as I waited for the lovely people working at REI to pull their heads out of their nether regions, I had some time to browse around a little. And the funny thing about REI, well, they make everything look so cool. I found myself thinking, Wow - I could really use a canoe. And I wonder if that freeze dried spaghetti is any good? And No freakin' way! Jewel tone Carabiners!
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And as usual, I took ever opportunity to make new friends, utilize my observation skills and eavesdrop on other people's conversations. So I would like to take a moment to address a few of of the victims, um, I mean subjects of my observations, just in case they read this blog. What? It could happen.
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To the Nice Man I chatted with while he made a return at the customer service counter -
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I applaud your fashion chutzpah. It takes a special man to rock the socks and sandals look with such confidence. Your selection of sparkly rainbow ankle booties with your Keen sport sandals gives a whole new meaning to the term loud and proud. However, asking the girl behind the counter if this double sleeping bag can be ordered in a lovely shade of lavender? Well my friend, that took huevos. Good luck on your trip to California and subsequent honeymoon camping trip in Costa Rica.
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Sincerely,
Girl who told you where she found the leopard print luggage tags
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To the Guy bending over looking at backpacks -
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Have you heard the term "Crack kills"? Well what about the term "Hairy crack causes repulsion, gasps and reverse persitalsis, and then kills"? My suggestion: stop looking at backpacks and start checking out the belts. And maybe consider a wax? It just seems to me it makes sense in this heat and all.
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With respect,
Girl unfortunate enough to be standing three feet behind you just as you bent over and showed of the not so goodies
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To the Guy shopping with his Lovely Wife and New Baby -
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I am sure she appreciates you making suggestions on how she can "lose all that baby weight." However, from the looks of it, that baby is fresh from the womb. Why don't we let her episiotomy stitches dissolve before we start suggesting she get back into a work out routine? After all, she did just sacrifice her body for nine months to give birth to YOUR child. I am sure if you just squeezed out an eight pound watermelon with shoulders, requiring a small incision in your testicular area, you would not be so thrilled to start mountain biking just yet, either. So how 'bout you lay off your post partum size six wife and appreciate how lucky you are to have such a beautiful, patient and understanding woman who was willing to procreate with you. You insensitive, miserable piece of crap.
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In Christ,
Girl who looked at you with disgust and disdain as she passed you in the helmet aisle
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It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I just wish there were more pleasant people rocking sparkly rainbow socks and less people acting like jerks. And more places offering good deals on waxes for men. Yowzah.

Now, where am I gonna put this canoe?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I Always Tell the Truth, Even When I Lie

So we watched Scarface.

Of course, I don't live under a rock so I kind of had a good idea what the story was about. I knew it was about a drug lord. With scars on his face. I assumed it would be sort of a gangster type movie. And because the title suggested a struggle to overcome appearances, I thought we were looking at a Godfather meets Elephant Man type scenario. And although I never expected everyone to accept Christ as their Lord and Savior at the end, I assumed there would be some kind of redemption theme in the story line. I was misled by the black/white poster. Or I'm just really stupid.

Other than the beginning of the movie when he briefly and vaguely discusses his scar with the police, we never hear mention of the scar again. As a matter of fact, in some scenes we don't even see it. It kind of fades in and out, along with the accents of most of the cast. Which were terrible. I don't think they budgeted for dialogue coaches back then.

But I am sure when this movie was originally made - in 1983, it was a pioneer. It was probably shocking and provocative. But twenty five years later, it's well . . . dated. Funny, even. Borderline cheesy, if I dare say.

Am I glad I finally watched it? Yeah. Was I disappointed? Yes. But I did learn a few things, and that is what is important.

Want to know what I learned? Yes? I knew you would!

Top 10 Lessons Learned From Scarface
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10. Don't lie to the immigration police. (They don't like it.)
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9. Turning up the TV volume in a hotel room can drown out the sound of a chain saw. (Good to know, this could come in handy some day.)
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8. Zebra print interior in an old Cadillac is tacky. (Apparently know one told the guys at Pimp My Ride.)
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7. You can't pick up women by flapping your tongue at them. (Shocking, I know. Because it's such a classy move.)
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6. Your mother will not be proud of you unless you earn an honest living. (Mom, does internet porn count?)
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5. There is no Business Casual if you are drug lord security. (Which someone should write to the labor board about, because come on - it's hot and muggy in Miami.)
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4. If you kill your sister's husband, she will try to kill you. (Lucky for you, she will probably be a bad shot.)
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3. Money can't buy happiness, peace of mind or good taste. (But it was a good idea to build the fountain under the second story landing, otherwise he would have landed on the floor. I'm all about less mess after shoot outs, you know?)
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2. "Every day above ground is a good thing." (Crooked cops can be so wise.)
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1. Drugs are bad. (Almost as bad as early 80's fashion.)
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And for all you Scarface die hards out there, I found some trivia on IMDB you might already know, but I thought was interesting.
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This film is actually a remake from a 1932 film with the same title. However, the original was about an Italian gangster. I wonder if they cast Cuban actors to play the Italians?
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The actor who plays Manny (Steven Bauer) is the only actual Cuban in the principal cast. This I found very funny because I thought his accent was the worst. John Travolta was originally considered for this part. He turned it down to do Staying Alive and the blockbuster Two of a Kind.
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Although the film is set in Miami, it was shot almost entirely in Los Angeles. The Miami Tourist Board did not allow them to film in Miami because they felt it portrayed Cuban immigrants in a negative light.
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The "F" Bomb and all derivatives are used 226 times for an average of once every 1.32 minutes. Which is a typical evening with the King and Queen. (Oh relax. We watched it after the kids went to bed.)
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Oliver Stone wrote the screenplay while battling cocaine addiction. And in his drug induced stupor, thought it would be a good idea to name the character Tony Montana after his favorite football player - Tony Romo. (Just a little Disneyland Jungle Cruise humor for ya. If you didn't get that joke you need to book a trip to The Happiest Place on Earth pronto! Of course I meant Joe Montana.)
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The film was originally rated X. The film's producers called a meeting with the MPAA and brought along a panel of experts that included real undercover narcotics officers. After hearing that the film was an accurate portrayal of the drug underworld, the rating was changed to R. Yet they couldn't find an accurate portrayal of a Cuban accent??
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So all in all, not a total loss. Like I said before, I am glad I finally saw it. And when they remake it in 20 years, starring Nick Jonas and Dakota Fanning, I am sure I will see it again.
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Peace Out.
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