Sunday, December 21, 2008

All I want for Christmas is two new boobies.

Dear Santa,

I know it's been a while since you have heard from me but I just wanted to drop you a note to say hello. And of course provide you with a list of a few things I think could be useful to me. If you have the time that is.

  • An extra hour in the day. This would be so sweet. If you can work this out, you can forget the rest of this list. Thanks.
  • A crockpot with a timer. And a recipe book containing crockpot recipes that do not taste like they were cooked in a crockpot. I have the pickiest family in the world. No, seriously.
  • Three new children who are not such picky eaters.
  • New boobies. Not necessarily bigger, just um, higher. Perkier. I would be perfectly happy with my pre-baby boobies.
  • A tummy tuck. Since we are redoing the boobies we might as well get rid of that saggy stretched out belly skin that I affectionately refer to as my front butt.
  • A Pontiac Solstice. I'm not picky about the color. I'm cool like that.
  • Daniel Craig.
  • Laser hair removal. According to Boo, I need it.
  • A new bedspread. I decided I hate mine. It's pretty, but itchy.
  • A guest spot on Top Gear. I totally want to drive the moderately priced car around the track and hang out with Jeremy, Hammond and the Stig. But not James May. He's creepy.
  • A puppy. That doesn't poop or chew things.
  • A European vacation.

So that's my list. I don't think it's completely unattainable. Just do the best you can. My expectations are low with the economy and all....

As always, I will be baking your favorite chocolate chip cookies (no nuts) and will leave them by the fireplace. Just please keep the noise level to a minimum, you know how I value my beauty sleep. Say hello to the Mrs.

Godspeed,

April

11 comments:

Chris H said...

I've had the tummy tuck, am still waiting for the new boobies.... probably won't ever happen! Perhaps if I just ask for the 'headlights' to be on full beam again ? That's not asking TOO MUCH is it???

Trisha said...

Interesting list! I hope you get everything this year!

WILLIAM said...

If Santa is going to give you new Boobs...seriously..you should also get bigger.

Gladys said...

1. An extra hour in the day. This would be so sweet. If you can work this out, you can forget the rest of this list. Thanks.

If you had an extra hour you would cram that full of mommie stuff and get nothing done for yourself. Nope I'm afraid you are just going to have to make do with what you have because honestly it's less work.

2 A crockpot with a timer. And a recipe book containing crockpot recipes that do not taste like they were cooked in a crockpot. I have the pickiest family in the world. No, seriously.

Fix whatever you want to fix. Tell them they either eat that or nothing. Do not let them eat snacks or cereal just what you fix. In a month or so when they get hungry enough they will eat poop on a cracker. I know this works, I've done it.

3. Three new children who are not such picky eaters. See above.

4. New boobies. Not necessarily bigger, just um, higher. Perkier. I would be perfectly happy with my pre-baby boobies.

I agree with William. If you are going perkier might as well go bigger. Just not too big because then they look freakish. In lieu of a boob job just go get fitted and buy a really good bra. It's worth the money.

5. A tummy tuck. Since we are redoing the boobies we might as well get rid of that saggy stretched out belly skin that I affectionately refer to as my front butt.

This can be achieved w/o surgery, it is a torture procedure called PILATES. I for one would rather have surgery. ;)

6. A Pontiac Solstice. I'm not picky about the color. I'm cool like that.

Ok honestly do you want a car from a company that will not exist in 12 months? Go ahead and get the BMW they will be around awhile.

7. Daniel Craig.

He is an ass of major porportions. You are much better off with your spouse. I mean honestly it will take away the magic if you are having to nag Daniel to pick up his dirty socks and underwear. You REALLY don't want him you just think you do.

8. Laser hair removal. According to Boo, I need it.

OK here is my secret. For $2.00 go to Squalmart in the men's hygiene and shaving section there is some stuff called MAGIC. It is your new best friend and cost a whole lot less than Laser and is less painful too.

9. A new bedspread. I decided I hate mine. It's pretty, but itchy.

I have 4 words for you: Macy's 3 day sale

10. A guest spot on Top Gear. I totally want to drive the moderately priced car around the track and hang out with Jeremy, Hammond and the Stig. But not James May. He's creepy.

This one I can't help you with because honestly I don't know what your talking about. I can suggest for a fun Saturday hit every car dealership in town and drive one of every car they have. It really pisses off the sales people but it sure is fun.

11. A puppy. That doesn't poop or chew things.

One word: Stieff

12. A European vacation.
Remember Chevy Chase? I'm just sayin.

Merry Christmas!

Coffee Bean said...

You are hilarious as always... and then Gladys just added to it! Gotta check out that Magic and Squalmart tip!!!

DevilsHeaven said...

Oh, I will seriously miss you whilst out of the country!!!
Have a VERY Merry Christmas!!!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Here's help with the crockpot

http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/

She has a whole year of crockpotting along with reviews of all the recipes.

KT said...

lmao. you are freaking hilarious.

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm making Santa's favorite chocolate chip cookies tomorrow, too, in hopes of getting some of the same things on your list!

Have a merry Christmas!

Sue said...

Awesome list April!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

Warmest wishes,
Sue

Trisha said...

Merry Christmas and God Bless!