A few years ago I was working in an industry that allowed me to work from home. Yeah, it was awesome. Until the bottom fell out of the market and the money stopped coming in. But I digress. Occasionally it was necessary for me to meet clients to have papers signed.
On this one particular occasion, my boss had planned to meet one of his clients and was unfortunately delayed in another meeting. He called and asked if I would fill in for him, meeting this client at Starbucks to exchange paperwork.
I arrived at Starbucks to wait. It was mid-morning in August and pretty busy. All my boss had told me was that the client was male and that he was interesting. Yes, he said interesting. I should have known right then and there.
I saw him before he walked into the building. I knew it was him. He was probably my age, maybe a little younger. Except he looked like one of the T-Birds. What makes you say that, April? Well, for one thing, he was sporting a significant amount of product in his hair. And when I say product, I mean the same stuff Danny Zucko and Kenickie used. And he was wearing a black leather jacket. Uh-huh. Did you hear me earlier when I told you it was August? In Arizona?? I started sweating just looking at him.
He introduced himself and then went on to complain about how inconvenient it was for him to meet me at this location. Oh wait, did I mention he picked the location? No? I forgot to tell you that? Yeah. So I am wondering if this guy is a little special. And I don't mean unique.
So we are exchanging paperwork and making a little small talk and then all of a sudden he is telling me how much he admires Sylvester Stallone. You know that episode of Friends where Phoebe is giving birth to the triplets and the doctor comes in and tells her he really likes Fonzie? Yeah, it was like that.
Me: Mr. [Weirdo], could you please sign here and here, and initial here?
He: Yeah, do you need this stuff from me? (Hands me paperwork)
Me: Yes, thank you. I'll make sure [My Boss] gets it.
He: Yeah, I can't believe he sent his secretary to meet me. That's totally lame.
Me: I'm not his secretary.
He: Oh sorry, do you prefer administrative assistant? This is a nice pen.
Me: No, I'm not his assistant. We work together, we're a team.
He: Yeah, sure. Sorry. I didn't realize you were sensitive about that.
Me: No, I'm not, um, never mind. Can you also sign here?
He: I love this pen. You know what else I love? Sylvester Stallone. I'm a huge fan.
He: Don't you think he's the coolest action hero ever?
Me: (Still staring)
He: Personally I prefer Rocky to Rambo, but First Blood was pretty killer.
Me: Ummm, I don't think I ever saw it.
He: What? Are you kidding?
He: What about Rocky?
Me: Yes, I did see those.
He: Which one is your favorite?
Me: Um. I don't know. I've never thought about it.
He: Well think about it. Pick one.
Me: Ummm, okay. I guess three. Is that the one with Mr. T?
He: Yes, Clubber Lang.
Me: Yes. That's the one.
He: Good, I personally prefer the first one, but whatever. If you had said four I would have punched you right out of your seat. Where did you get this pen?
Me: Well, okay. I should be going. Thank you for taking the time to meet me.
He: Do you hear that?
Me: Hmm? What?
He: What is that? (Stands up and looks around Starbucks.) You! (Points to customer standing in line.) Are you whistling?
Customer: Uh, yeah. I was.
He: Can you knock it the [eff] off? You're [effing] annoying me.
Me: (Peeing my pants and staring in shock and horror)
He: Nice to meet you April. Can I keep this pen?
Me: Yes, please. Just don't kill anyone with it.
Needless to say, I not only made my boss split his commission with me on that deal, but I also told him I would NOT be meeting any more of his clients.
So why do I tell you this story? Because guess who came into my new place of business today?? The Sly Fan with Anger Management Issues. He did not recognize me, thank you Jesus. But don't think I did not let everyone know he was a psycho. After he left of course.
And my new boss says to one of my coworkers "Isn't that the guy who screamed and yelled because he hated our pens?" And the coworker responded, "No, that was the guy in love with Sylvester Stallone."
To which new boss and I exclaimed at the same time "Same guy!"
Okay I realize that crazy people make the world a more interesting place. But seriously? I would gladly sacrifice more interesting for less terrifying. I think even Sly would agree with me on this one.