Friday, November 7, 2008


I have a hypothetical question for ya.

Let's say you are working in a bank. Totally hypothetically. And a man enters the building wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Or hoodie if you prefer. And he is actually wearing the hood. Who, besides children and boxers, does that? It is completely covering the top of his head and part of his face. In addition to the hood, he is also wearing extra large, mirrored, aviator sun glasses. And we all know how I feel about those, but whatever. So basically, the only part of this man's face that you can hypothetically see is his nose and mouth.

Are you with me so far?

And as he is hypothetically standing in line, you notice he is fidgety. Nervous. Shifting his weight from left foot to right. Constantly looking behind him. Checking his watch. And basically acting like a three year old about to pee his pants.

Now again, hypothetically and based on no actual event whatsoever, as a FREAKING BANK EMPLOYEE, do you view this person as suspicious?

Yeah?? ME TOO!! Ahem, hypothetically.

And so, hypothetically, if you asked this guy in a very kind and professional manner to please, either remove his sunglasses or his hood, his choice, what would you hypothetically say if he hypothetically REFUSED?

And then, hypothetically he starts ranting about how you are violating his privacy and he is insulted and has never been asked to do something so ridiculous and who do you think you are discriminating against him for the way he is dressed?

Do you, hypothetically, say the following:

Sir, I sincerely apologize if you took my request as an insult or an act of discrimination. I did not violate your privacy in any way, I asked you to remove one of two items, your choice. My first priority as a BANK EMPLOYEE, surrounded by large amounts of money and a high possibility of robberies especially this time of year, is the safety of my customers, the other employees and myself. You CAN NOT expect to walk into a FINANCIAL INSTITUTION dressed as the Unabomber and NOT be perceived as suspicious. If you refuse to cooperate with my request you are more than welcome to take your transaction to another institution.

Thank you and Good Day!

What is the matter with people? I mean hypothetically??

Oh who cares. I said Good Day!!

Please note, this post is a work of fiction and is not based on actual events. Any similarities to an actual event, real or imagined, are purely coincidental. But for the love of God and all that is holy, please use some common sense or look in a freaking mirror before you enter a bank and scare the ess aych eye tee out of everyone inside. You stupid, thoughtless moron.


Kristi said...

That is the best freakin' hypothetical response i've ever heard! What the hell is wrong with people?! Hypothetically....

kristen s said...

Did you crap your freaking pants? (hypothetically) Why do I have a feeling I'll see that dude on the news pretty soon?

(BTW my word verification is gonal... at first I thought it said gonad!)

Caitlin said...

*IF* that had actually happened, it would have been awesome!

Chris H said...

Hypothetically speaking, I would have been reaching for the buzzer for help! Idiot person should have known better. HYPOTHETICALLY of course.