Sunday, November 30, 2008

What I Learned This Month

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo. Ubes has affectionately referred to it as That BloMoFo. Regardless, I have enjoyed participating. And out of thirty days there have been only a few times, maybe two or three, where I have griped about having to post. I've had a great time.

I learned a few things this month, so I thought my final post of NaBloPoMo should be sharing these lessons with you.
  1. It's best when I forget other people are reading this blog and I stick to writing for me. I didn't start this blog to impress and entertain. My thoughts come easier when I am not thinking about how you guys will respond.
  2. You guys will read this stuff even if it sucks. Thank you.
  3. The posts I thought would get the most response didn't, and the posts I thought were the worst were the ones you talked about most.
  4. Lots of people are looking up Daniel Craig on the Google and end up here. To you, I say welcome. But hands off, he's mine.
  5. I have lots of readers in New Zealand. You Kiwis have a sick sense of humor. Or should I say humour? I like to be accommodating to my international guests.
  6. It's impossible to keep up with commenting on all of your blogs when trying to post on your own everyday. I may not have been commenting, but I was still reading. (Congrats on the 3 day Sue! You are AWESOME!! Chris, your table and chairs look lovely on your morning patio!)
  7. I will probably not continue to post everyday, especially this month due to the holidays. I have so much stuff to do.
  8. It's a small world. I need to be very careful with my blog topics. When the girl at Sonic who serves you your diet coke with vanilla every morning asks if you are the April who's always blogging about diet coke with vanilla from Sonic, consider that a warning.
  9. I really should have stayed anonymous. OMG how I should have stayed anonymous. Why didn't I stay anonymous? And the only thing keeping me from starting another blog ANONYMOUSLY is the fact that I have no time. None. Not one spare second left in the day. I am wasting time writing this right now. Argh!!
  10. It's amazing that you can actually feel a connection with people you have never met, yet you can still feel like you know these people, you would welcome them into your homes, etc. There are so many of you I would love to meet and share some laughs.

So thanks to all of you, faithful readers, friends, thanks for stopping by each day, for commenting, for sharing this BloMoFo with me. It's been a journey.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Want To Sparkle

We just got home from seeing Twilight. And when I say we, I mean Uberman and I. And don't let him fool you, I did not drag him there nor did I bribe him with "treats" so that I could see it. He went willingly. Um, yes you did. And you know it.

Now I won't go into full Roger Ebert mode here and review the movie. We'll just say it's two hours of my life I'm never getting back and leave it at that. Mmmkay?

So just for fun, I thought I would sum up what I did like about it. Ready? Here we go....
  • I would be lying if I told you I wasn't insanely jealous of Edward's ability to sparkle in the sunlight. I so need that ability! I was meant to SPARKLE!!
  • At one very serious point in the movie, Edward is trying to explain to Bella how dangerous he is. And he says the line "I am the most dangerous predator in the world." Or something like that. And Uberman turned to me and said "Somebody better call Chris Hansen." I laughed out loud. And got shushed by a 13 year old girl.
  • I thoroughly enjoyed the previews before the movie.
  • My popcorn was fresh and delicious and not too salty. And free.
  • There were enough teenage girls sitting around us for me to use the term "gaggle of gigglers." It was awesome. How often can that phrase come up in everyday conversation? So far in my life, never.
  • Although I think the guy who plays Edward is a pretty terrible actor (Save your hate mail, this is strictly my opinion.), I think he did look like what I had pictured Edward to look like. I can see how he's kind of dreamy but I think his nose is too flat. And I am absolutely sure some teenage girl is Googling hit men because I said that.

And there you have it. I realize I have an unpopular opinion of the film, which is not even worthy of being called a film, definitely more of a flick, but hey, it's my blog baby. So suck it. Get it?? Suck it?? Vampire movie?? Oh man I crack myself up.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday

Hello Friends. It's 11:20 PM. Ubes and I just got home from a fun night out with friends. Old friends. The best kind of friends. The ones we have not seen in 14 years, but pick up right where we left off. Life is good.

I am full. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving yesterday, a delicious dinner tonight, and are now enjoying a quiet house with no kids. Except to be completely honest, we miss them. The house is missing something without their little loud voices echoing through the walls. But we know they are being loved and spoiled at Nana and Papa's house.

This was my first black Friday in 15 years where I was not up at the butt crack of dawn to begin my Christmas shopping. Oh no. Instead I was working. It's rough being a professional killer. Your schedule is not your own anymore.

I did however, still manage to acquire a few good deals today. First, Ubes was able to find a Razor electric scooter for Junior at a bargain basement price (while I made sure our health insurance premium was paid up to date). Second, I made a new friend. Ubes' childhood best friend, our former best man, has a new girl. She's lovely. I wish he had met her the first time around and avoided all that nonsense with that other woman he married ten years ago. Oh well, you live and learn. Third, I just finished off a bag of Snyders Pretzel Dips. Dear Lord. Talk about divine... And finally, there's a rerun of Kimmel tonight, my boyfriend is on talking about his movie. OMG. He's so dreamy. Next life, we are so hooking up.

So that's the excitement of my day. I'm going to bed. Looking forward to tomorrow. Hope you all had a nice Turkey Day with lots of food, family and friends. Catch you on the flip....

Thursday, November 27, 2008


I am thankful for three healthy kids who talk a lot, laugh a lot and like to sleep in. I am thankful they are good to each other, take care of one another and call each other friend.

I am thankful for their father, who makes me laugh, reassures me with smiles and hugs, and holds my hand at night while I fall asleep.

I am thankful for a new job I love, co-workers who are now friends and the opportunities available to me in the future.

I am thankful for parents who love us unconditionally, and are so willing to help us with our kids.

I am thankful for a brother in law and sister in law who are our friends, who show us support and let us support them too. I am thankful for the three amazing nephews they have given us who make us laugh and give us funny stories to tell.

I am thankful for double ovens in my kitchen, especially this time of year. I am thankful for unusual rainy days, the anticipation of good times and good food, comfy, warm flannel pajama bottoms, good books and good movies. I am thankful for my fantabulous friends and my faithful readers. For this blog, that allows me to vent, ramble and process my multitude of thoughts.

I am thankful that I have a lot to be thankful for....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Mistaken Identity

Alrighty friends. I have about 8 billion things to do and not enough time to do them. Yeah, yeah, welcome to your world, right? I am assuming no one is reading this anyway because you all are defrosting turkeys and stuff, right?

Regardless, I have laundry to do, kids to pack and a pumpkin-gingerbread trifle to make. Did you see how I snuck that in there?? "Kids to pack." Oh yeah baby, my mother, God bless her, is taking my kids for the long weekend. You know what that means. Bow chicka wow wow!

You know I just realized I always say my mother is taking them. When in fact my dad is there and has them too. How uncool to not give some of the credit to my dad. Who will be barbecuing burgers for them and helping them put legos together and all the stuff that awesome Grandpas do.

Anyhoots, I thought I would leave you with a funny "Guess what my kid just said!" story. This cracked me up.

This morning, I was getting ready to comb the boys' hair for school. It was raining cats and dogs, very unusual weather for us, so Mac came in my bathroom dressed like an eskimo. Yeah. It's still 68 degrees outside. Except he was wearing one glove. So I said "What's with the glove, Michael Jackson?"

He looked at me with big sad eyes. "Mom! That's not nice. Michael Jackson kills puppies."


And then Junior rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Dude. That was Michael Vick."

Happy Thanksgiving Eve People! Wish me luck on my Trifle!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

More or Less

I wish I had more....

Time in the day.

Patience, especially when dealing with stupid people. Especially stupid people at the grocery story. Which was a mad house tonight. A mad house full of grumpy stupid people.

Fullness in the breast-ular area. Totally a word. Is too.

Money. Who does not want more money? Money is good. Money is our friend.

Confidence in my parenting skills. These kids are so gonna need counseling.

Recipes to satisfy the picky palates of my family. This is a major bone of contention with me.

Perfect jeans that fit just right.

Control over my mouth. Or maybe it's the speed of the thought turning into words that I need control over?? Either way...

Thick skin. I let things bother me. And I take things too personally at times. Stupid stuff. I'm a dork.

I wish I had less...

Pounds on the scale.

Laundry to fold.

Dust in my house.

Bills coming in.

Miles between me and my parents.

Miles between me and many of my friends.

Interactions with stupid people.

Sensitive feelings.

Grey hairs. How is that I still feel like a kid? My hair is totally not cooperating with my emotional age. But I am okay with the wrinkles forming around my eyes and mouth. They show I have laughed a lot. But the grey hairs? They just piss me off.

What do you wish you had more or less of?

Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm Lazy. So What?

I got this meme from the lovely Gigglepotamus. She rocks.

This is a one word answer only meme.

Where is your mobile phone? Kitchen
Where is your significant other? Office
Your hair colour? Brown
Your mother? Awesome
Your father? Wonderful
Your favourite thing? Laughing
Your dream last night? Sad
Your dream goal? Prosperity
The room you’re in? Disaster
Your hobby? Writing
Your fear? Failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
Where were you last night? Home
What you’re not? Punctual
One of your wish-list items? Convertible
Where you grew up? Utah
The last thing you did? Email
What are you wearing? Yogapants (totally counts)
Your TV? On
Your pets? Nonexistent
Your computer? Frienemy
Your mood? Content
Missing someone? Yes
Your car? FILTHY
Something you’re not wearing? Earrings
Favourite shop? PotteryBarn (totally counts too)
Your summer? Hot
Love someone? Lots
Your favourite colour? Various
When is the last time you laughed? Today
When is the last time you cried? Yesterday (Because of Lisa)

Peace out peeps. Better post tomorrow. Promise.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Little Girl Lost

I was wild and crazy this weekend. Out of control. I put Paris Hilton to shame. Want to know what I did? Yeah? I knew you would.

Well Friday after I got home from work, I did a load of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and talked to my mom on the phone for almost an hour. I was in bed by 9:00 PM people. Nine. Asleep.

But wait, it gets better. On Saturday I dropped my husband off at Beerfest, where he and the Dirt Bike Kid (DBK) got to relive the glory of their frat boy days while Dee and I took the kids to lunch, and then to see Bolt. In 3D. Oh yeah. It was off the chain. After the movie, I picked up my husband and dropped him off at another all boy gathering involving batting cages, fried food and more beer. Then I went home and, are you ready? Did more laundry and cleaned my kitchen. Again I was in bed before 10:00 PM. I know. You're so jealous.

Today, we spent the morning with four eleven year olds, two eight year olds and our little Boo. We took them all to see Madagascar 2 and then for pizza. We just got home. I am taking a break before I start folding the laundry and picking up toys. So as you can see, it's been a non-stop par-tay around here. I might need an intervention. Y'all might be reading about my panty-less stint in rehab on Perez.

Watch out Lindsay Lohan. I'm taking over your little world.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


I need to know how some of you working women out there do it. How do you work all day, and then come home and deal with the home stuff. The laundry, the mess, the meals. I am feeling a little overwhelmed by life right now. I have so much to do and no time to do it. I can't even look forward to the holidays right now because I only feel like it's adding more to my To Do list.

How do you do it? How do you stay organized? Stay focused? Keep up with your kids, your laundry, your house . . . your life??

Friday, November 21, 2008

Random Crapola

Okay faithful readers, I'm gonna be straight with ya. I'm tired. Dog tired. I could sit here and spit out a half-assed attempt at witty banter, or I can just be honest. I just don't have it in me tonight. I would so much rather be cuddling in bed with my Uberman watching the 8 gozillion hours of stuff on the TiVo. And I am sure y'all can appreciate that. So just for fun, because I don't want you leaving disappointed, I will tell you a few bits of useless trivia about me and we'll call it a night. Shall we?

1) I never say y'all in real life. I'm a bit of a grammar snob. I also never say ain't. Or use double negatives. But I can never remember the rule for who and whom.

2) When I was little, my babysitter was the girlfriend of Gary Gilmore (Tommy Lee Jones, The Executioner's Song?? Anyone??) She was my babysitter prior to being the girlfriend of Gary Gilmore, but still.

3) I never had any wisdom teeth. And I have a 12 year molar that never came in. It's up there, it just never dropped. And I have only had 1 cavity in my entire life and that was in the last two years. I cracked the molar eating a Jolly Rancher and developed a tiny cavity.

4) I have a knack for dialects. I can tell where you are from by listening to the way you speak. I can hear the difference in southern accents too. And this talent is not just limited to American accents. If you are speaking English, more than likely I can tell you where you are from. British accents too, I can even tell the difference between southern and northern Brits. And even if you don't think you have an accent, I bet you do. I have a bit of a southern drawl, especially when I'm tired. Uberman thinks it's funny to ask me to say dog. He swears I break it up into two syllables.

5) And since we are talking about talking, I should let you know that I am very often told I sound like a little kid on the phone. I have been mistaken for my 11 year old son for years. By my own family members. How sad is that?

6) I can't sleep if my feet are covered. And I usually pull the sheets out from the bottom of the bed to uncover my feet. This drives Ubes crazy. And we have been sharing a bed for almost 15 years. You'd think he would get over it and move on. But no.

7) When I was nine I wrote a letter to M&M/Mars asking why they don't make a mixed bag of both plain and peanut M&M's. They wrote back explaining that the point was for you to buy both bags. But I am telling you, if they ever come out with a mixed bag, I am suing them. I still have a copy of that letter so I have proof it was my idea. Dirtbags.

8) My eyes are a weird color. Not blue, but not green. Sometimes they have a grey tint. They change depending on what I am wearing and also what mood I am in. I am often asked if I wear contacts. But my OBGYN (who rocks, by the way) says they are the color they are because I don't eat enough vegetables. I don't know if this is true. But they were more blue when I was younger. The older I get, the more green they become.

9) I am 5' 4" and a half. But my driver's license says 5' 5". I have long legs though and have a hard time finding pants in a length that I feel is acceptable. I also have super long arms. I'm a freak.

10) I have never experimented with drugs. None. Not one. And the first time I ever got drunk I was 21. And when I tell people this they always say "You've never even smoked pot?" Um, is pot a drug? Yes? Then no. My parents were really open about stuff and always said if I wanted to try anything, they would get it for me and I could try it at home. Mystery over. Never tried it. Still have no desire to try it. Uberman has never tried anything either. We're square and we like it that way. But I am not judging you if you do it. Whatever floats your boat.

Okay so there you go. Now I am off to bed to catch up on three weeks of The Office. Peace out.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Baby Talk

Yesterday I held a brand new baby. Eight days old. The Maid's baby. He is beautiful. And y'all know I don't say it unless I mean it. He has all this dark hair, and this beautiful round face and big, blue eyes. My uterus ached a little.

Until I realized the following sentences have come out of my mouth in the last 24 hours:

  • Stop farting on your brother.
  • Don't tell your sister Jello is made of crushed up cow hooves.
  • No you can not get a tattoo.
  • Stop telling your sister you're going to fart in her bed.
  • No you can't have a pet snake. What is the matter with you?
  • No we are not getting a Turducken for Thanksgiving dinner, I don't care how much fun it is to say the word.
  • I'm sorry you are the last two kids on the planet without a cell phone. Get a job and buy your own.
  • No you can not ask Santa for a jacuzzi.
  • I have no idea why Daddy giggles every time someone says the number 69.
So yeah, I think I've got my hands pretty full here. I'll just enjoy holding other people's babies, and then hand them back to their moms when they start to talk.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Forgiveness. It's more than saying sorry.

Let's talk about Facebook for a little while, shall we? Am I beating a dead horse with this?? What does that saying mean, anyway?? Does anyone know??

So this week I told you about reconnecting with old friends, remember? Many of you may find this difficult to believe, considering I am so awesome and all, but there was a girl in high school that I was very mean to. And when I say mean, I mean horrific. On a Lindsay Lohan level. I never caused her physical harm, but I humiliated this girl on a daily basis. I mention her in my 101 things. She's number 42.

Here's the back story. I was an editor on my school newspaper. This girl was the editor in chief. Okay so maybe I envied her position and resented her power, I don't know. She was a little on the Andrea Zuckerman side. Anyhoots, I guess I felt it was my duty to knock her down a few notches. Every day. One of the guys on the newspaper staff actually wrote the following passage in my yearbook:

"... Newspaper has been fun, especially listening to you and [girl] fight! The most classic, hilarious thing just happened. Everyone was saying how [Mr. Vice Principal] didn't like anyone and [girl] said that he liked her. Then you said 'Well he's the only person who does.' That was awesome, I thought I would write that down so you could remember that forever."

So guess what.... Years later, I still remember that moment. And now that I am a grown up, and I realize you stop being part of the cool crowd the moment you graduate, I feel terrible about the way I treated this girl. I am ashamed of myself. I went to my ten year reunion so many years ago, hoping she would be there so I could apologize to her in person. I was very disappointed she wasn't there. But she probably didn't come because of me. So this week, I was able to tell her how deeply sorry I am for being so awful to her. And she graciously accepted my apologies, and even more graciously told me there was nothing to forgive. It was all water under the bridge.

Regardless, I still feel better knowing I apologized, and that she forgave.

Facebook. Bringing people together. One clique at a time.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

8 Things

I stole this idea from Bogart. Check him out, he's cool.

8 Favorite Shows

  • The Office
  • Three Sheets
  • Grey's Anatomy
  • The Amazing Race
  • Lost
  • Project Runway
  • Gossip Girl
  • Top Gear

8 Favorite Restaurants

  • My mom's kitchen (totally counts)
  • Firebirds
  • Roy's Hawaiian Fusion
  • Gordon Biersch
  • Maggianos
  • Chipotle
  • Carambas
  • Flamingo Palace (best Chinese food ever)

8 Things That Happened This Weekend

  • My oldest child turned 11.
  • Saw the new Bond movie.
  • Laughed a lot with friends.
  • Saw my uncle Billy for the first time in 20 years.
  • Had lunch with my parents.
  • Started my Christmas shopping.
  • Went out on a hot date with my husband
  • Reconnected with a girl from high school who I was VERY mean to. I was able to apologize after all these years and she graciously forgave me. Facebook is a beautiful thing.

8 Things to Look Forward To:

  • I am off this weekend! First full weekend off in two months!
  • Hanging out with my girl Dee on Saturday while our men are at Beerfest.
  • Catching up on cleaning the house and laundry!
  • Christmas shopping!!
  • Putting up my tree and holiday decorations,
  • Watching Christmas movies (The Family Man, Christmas Vacation, Love Actually, Elf!)
  • Baking!
  • Going to Disneyland the day after Christmas with Dee and her family!!

8 Things on My Wish List

  • More hours in the day
  • Better organization
  • Stress free holidays
  • Prosperity for my family members
  • Win the Lottery (I never buy a ticket)
  • New boobies
  • Coke will bring back Diet Vanilla Coke
  • A Pontiac Solstice

8 Things I Love About Fall

  • Pumpkin Spice Latte
  • Pumpkins
  • Pumpkin Cookies
  • Pumpkin Bread
  • Pumpkin Pie
  • Punkin Ale
  • My mom's pumpkin gingerbread trifle
  • Fall Colors

What are your 8 things?

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Dentist

In my job I deal with the public. Which means I often have customers who I know outside of work in one way or another. Neighbors, friends, crazy former clients, etc. Well today I happened to assist my dentist.

He's a nice guy. And a really good dentist. And you know how hard it is to find one of those. But there's just one problem. I hate assisting him in a professional environment. The whole time I am talking to him I am wondering if he is judging me. I wonder if he's looking at my teeth and trying to remember the last time I came in for a cleaning.

It's just so personal, you know? I mean he is fully aware of my oral hygiene. The man has seen me, lying in his chair, my mouth wide open, totally vulnerable and exposed. That bright light shining above, illuminating every pore, wrinkle and stray whisker. Oh shut up, like you don't have them too. Last time I had my teeth cleaned I asked if I could hand him my tweezers, maybe kill two birds with one stone. He chuckled, I chuckled. We shared a moment.

So today, after he left my office, I mentioned my concerns to my coworker, T. She just glared at me.

Me: What? I swear he was looking at my teeth! Do you think I am making this up? I think he knows I have been slacking on the flossing lately.
T: Did you see that guy who just left?
Me: That client you were helping?
T: Yes.
Me: Yeah, so what?
T: That was my OBGYN.
Me: Okay, you win.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Heir to the Throne

My firstborn is 11 today. Eleven. How did this happen??

I can remember how I felt the exact moment I found out I was pregnant with him. It was a moment that changed my life forever. I can remember everything about being pregnant. I can remember everything about his birth, when he was a baby, all of his firsts. I documented everything. I took millions of pictures. The other two kids? Yeah, not so much. Why is that?

I have talked a lot about Junior here. And I realize I am his mother, but let's face it, he's an exceptional kid. He's a grown man trapped in the body of an 11 year old. He's an old soul. This is my child who is responsible, nurturing, compassionate, charismatic. He'll talk to anyone and everyone, he doesn't care if they're young or old, big or little, black, white or green. He loves to make friends. He loves to learn about people.

My son reads. Anything. Everything. He is often curled up on the couch or on his bed with a book or a magazine. He watches the Discovery channel, ESPN and CNBC. The kid TiVo's Mad Money. He loves Top Gear and will tell you everything you want to know about cars. He loves history and science and wants to work for the FBI if he can't play professional baseball.

He laughs with his whole body. He loves with his whole heart. He believes in people. He has an unshakable faith in God and all that is good. He is quite simply extraordinary.

He has been blessed with an amazing head of curly hair, big blue eyes and the deepest dimples you have ever seen. He is smart. He is persuasive. He takes my breath away. He makes me want to be a better person. I am so proud to be his mother.

Happy birthday Junior! Thank you for making me a mom. You have always made it so easy for me. And although I want so badly to freeze time, to keep you exactly as you are now, I can hardly wait to see the man you will become. Let's take it slow getting there, shall we?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Double Date

Ha ha! I bet you all thought I was not going to post today, huh? Fooled you!

I made a commitment to this posting every day thing and I am determined to see it through. Even though I am sooooo tired right now. And I just took a nice hot shower. And I just want to fall into my soft bed and snuggle up to Daniel my pillow.

Ubes and I just got home from our double date with Raia and her hubby, Not Carson Daly (NCD). I used to think he looked like Donny Osmond, but now it is definitely Carson Daly. So henceforth, he will be known as NCD for blogging purposes.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes, just got home. We set this date up 4 months ago I think. No joke. And of course the sole purpose, other than getting together to laugh and have a good time with our good friends, was to see the new Bond movie. And it was good. Not ubergood, but good enough. To be completely honest, the plot was not as developed as Casino Royale, but I was so busy being distracted by those brooding blue eyes, the storyline didn't bother me at all. So yeah, I say go see it.

After the movie we had dinner at Gordon Biersch. Can you smell the garlic coming out of my pores? I had the pecan crusted chicken with garlic mashed potatoes. It was four hours ago and I am still so full I want to puke. But OMG was it delish!

We had such a good time! So tonight I am thankful. Thankful for my good friend, her hilarious husband, good food, blue eyes, and my Uberman. Who not only took me to a movie where he knew I was going to be drooling over another man, but also surprised me with a box of Milk Duds to make the experience that much better. I'll take him over the blue eyes any day.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Shocking But True!

So yesterday's post was all about confessions. And I must admit, I have been saving one. A good one. I am not sure you all are ready for this little bombshell.
Are you sure??
It's a good one...
Prepare for jaws to drop...
I am sleeping with Daniel Craig.

I know!! Can you believe it?? And oh let me tell you, it is everything I dreamed it would be. I have curled up against his soft bare chest every night for the past two whole nights. It is heaven.


What does Uberman think of my little tryst?

Well, technically it is allowed because Daniel is on my list. And as long as he does not stray onto Uberman's side of the bed, the three of us are quite comfortable.

I know you don't believe me.

So here's proof.

Isn't this AWESOME?? My amazing friend Diane made this for me after reading my post about Boo's High School Musical sheets.

Here's the back:

Do I have the coolest friends or what???

The new movie, Quantum of Solace, opens today!! Go see it and support my boyfriend! Ubes and I are going tomorrow with Raia and her lovely husband The Carson Daly Look-Alike. OMG I can't wait!!

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go hug my pillow some more. Thank you Diane, for making my dreams come true!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Things I would admit if I didn't think you would judge me...

I think David Letterman is sexy.

I watch The Family Guy. And I like it.

I don't enjoy American Idol.

I hate Karaoke.

I freaking love Journey.

I lied about my weight on my drivers license.

I cheated in college algebra.

I have nightmares about Jello. Just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.

I don't think Beyonce is talented. At all. I think she sucks. And it pissed me off when I saw her on the cover of this month's In Style magazine.

I voted no on 102. (Save your comments and emails, it's over. You won.)

I don't like Cold Play.

I've flirted with a baseball player to get an autograph for my husband.

I despise girls who flirt to get what they want.

I've made myself throw up due to fear of gaining weight.

I've judged someone before I allowed myself to get to know them.

I drove my mother's brand new truck into the wall of our garage and then pretended I had no idea there was a hole in the wall or how it got there.

I lied about it being my birthday in order to sell the most amount of strawberry pies in the month of April when I was a waitress.

I also dropped a bottle of sanitizer in a new pot of cream of broccoli soup and didn't tell anyone.

And I dropped the restaurant manager's toast on the floor and didn't tell him either.

I fell down a flight of stairs in the sanctuary of our church, during a service, scattering the contents of my purse across five rows of people.

I laughed out loud when my friend's husband told the people sitting near us I had been drinking all morning.

I sat red faced and giggling as the rows in front of us passed my purse items back to me. These items might have included products of the feminine nature. That might have landed in the lap of an older gentleman.

I left the service a little early once all my items had been retrieved and used the excuse that I had a previous engagement.

I cried like a baby when Bobby died on Dallas.

I accidently poured my son's fish in the sink when I was cleaning the fish bowl. And instead of trying to scoop him up (shudder), I let him fall into the disposal. And then turned it on.

I am very competetive. So much so that it irritates me when my kids beat me at Mario Kart. And then I don't want to play anymore.

I just figured out this year that Flash Gordon and The Flash are not the same person.

I am thoroughly enjoying posting every day.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Recipe Day!!

The lovely Kristen S asked for my recipe for my favorite salad. Here it is, this is my Aunt Nellie's Kick Ass Salad. Enjoy!

Aunt Nellie's Kick Ass Salad

3/4 Cup Vegetable or Canola Oil
1/4 Cup Fresh Lemon Juice (2 large lemons)
2 Garlic Cloves – minced
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1/2 Teaspoon Pepper


2 Bunches (2 lbs) Romaine
2 Cups Chopped Tomato
1 Cup Shredded Swiss Cheese
2/3 Cup Toasted Slivered Almonds or Toasted Pecans (I prefer Almonds)
1/2 Cup Grated Fresh Parmesan Cheese
8 Pieces Cooked Bacon –crumbled
1 Cup Croutons

In a jar or bowl with a tight fitting lid combine first five ingredients and shake well (or put in blender). Mix remaining ingredients and add dressing. Serves 14.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Tuesday Q & A (Still No T & A)

Are y'all ready for round two of our Q & A session? Well too bad, because it's happening right now!!

Devil's Heaven asks:

Would you be upset if I told you F and I filled up our gas tank for $2.03? And that earlier today I saw it for $1.96?

How can I be upset over that which I can not control? I am just so thankful for $2.45 per gallon!! And hopefully it will just keep going lower. How sick is it that we think less than $2.00 a gallon is such a smokin' deal?

What exactly do you do?

I'm a professional killer.

If I come visit my snowbird mother, can we get together for margaritas?

Heck yeah we can! Just let me know when.

Lisa asks:

When we were in third and fourth grade and used to play Little House on the Prairie during recess, why did you always make me be Mary so you could be Laura? (*paraphrasing*)

Well Lisa, it is because I was such a selfish child, used to getting what I wanted. And Mary was always the nicer one, just like you were always nicer one of the two of us. So I thought you made a better Mary. I actually should have been Nellie instead of Laura. :)

Roland asks:

What makes you the Queen? Please explain your royal lineage.

There was a vote and I won. That is how I became Queen. I know, it's not the same as it is in your homeland but that's how it works here in the Land of April. But do not fear, I come from a long line of Royals. One of my aunts is a former Miss Rhode Island. Another one was Miss Arizona Teenager. My uncle M was voted Dream Boy for his high school in 1949. So obviously I am more than qualified for this job.

Blogging Barbie asks:

If you were stranded on an island, what one beauty product would you take?

Oh this is so hard, BB. You have no idea how much I have thought about this. If I had to choose just one, it would have to be my Neutrogena moisturizer. I know that is a totally boring answer, but I think it is the one thing I can't do without. But it was a toss up between that and chapstick. If it had to be a makeup item, it would be mascara (I am still a huge fan of Maybelline Great Lash) or MAC lip pencil in Spice. I would also try to sneak in my Satsuma body lotion from the Body Shop.

Karen R. asks:

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

We will have dinner at Uberman's mom's house. And then my awesome mother is taking the kids for the rest of the weekend. Woo Hoo!! But yes, I have already talked to Stacey and I would love to meet with you crazy girls for lunch while you are in town! I miss you!!

Sue asks:

When you were a little princess, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be writer. I still want to be a writer. And I wanted to be a teacher, specifically high school English teacher. I still want to do that too.

What was your favorite subject in High School?

I loved English and any Literature class. I was really fortunate to go to an amazing public school with awesome teachers who encouraged my desire to write and my love for reading. My sophomore year I took an elective History of England class that I loved. I would sit and day dream about going there some day, seeing all of the places we were reading about. When Uberman and I went to England two years ago, it was a dream come true. I felt a connection there that I cannot explain. And I was so happy for the class I had taken so many years before. I really felt that I got so much more out of our trip because I was familiar with what we were seeing. What can I say? I am a huge dork. I can't wait to go back.

What is your all time favorite song and why?

I honestly don't have an all time favorite song. There are songs that I love with all my heart and I can listen to them over and over and never get sick of them. They are songs that remind me of someone or a specific time in my life, and it sounds cheesy, but they have become a part of me. Here they are:

At Last - Etta James
When You Say Nothing At All - (My preferred versions are artists Ronan Keating and Allison Krause)
In This Life - Collin Raye
Like A Stone - Audioslave
Dream On - Aerosmith
Groovy Kind Of Love - Phil Collins
Sway - Michael Buble

Well guys, there you have it. Everything you wanted to know about the Queen. I hope you aren't disappointed.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday Q & A (Part I)

Wow, you guys really blew me away with your questions. That I did not beg for, contrary to what Uberman says. Whatev, Ubes. (Love the new nickname Caitlin!)

I warn you, there were quite a few questions. Some of you got a little carried away (Kristen, Lisa). So we are going to split the questions into two posts. But they will still be pretty long. I'll wait a minute while you grab a snack and delicious cold beverage. Go ahead.

Take your time.

No really, it's okay. We've got plenty of time.

Jeez louise, are you ready yet? What are you doing, waiting for the ice to freeze? Let's go!

Okay, comfy?

All righty then.

Caitlin and Chris H. ask:

What is your favorite colour?

Well girls, this is a tough one. It totally depends on what we are talking about. I am really partial to reds and pinks, but I also love any shade of chartreuse green. My family calls this color April Dawn green because it is my signature cullah. (Mah cullahs are blush and bashful.)

Caitlin also asks:

April, why are you so awesome?

I honestly do not know. Many people have pondered this very question with me. It is a gift. I believe God gave me a little extra sprinkle when he made me. Blew a little pixie dust on me I guess. But it can also be a curse. People have really high expectations when you are consistently awesome. It can be exhausting.

Because you and Uberman have such weird food allergies, do any of your children suffer from strange allergies as well?

Although none of the kids have any food allergies (yet), unfortunately Junior is plagued with pollen allergies and asthma, inherited from both his parents. He is also allergic to cats. Boo is allergic to penicillin. But Mac is not allergic to anything so far. I am going to blog about what this kid eats one day. Stomach of steel and pretty impressive.

What are this week's winning lottery numbers?

4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42.

How many states and countries have you visited?

I LOVE to travel! I am lucky enough to have been to 7 countries (US, Canada, Mexico, England, France, Germany, Austria) and 19 states (Oregon, Washington, California, Montana, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, Illinois, Maine, New Hampshire, New York, Pennsylvania, Delaware, North Carolina, Georgia, Florida).

I am dying to see the rest of the world!

Chris H. also asks:

What human trait do you dislike the most?

I hate it when people are two-faced. If you don't like me, fine. Don't be nice to me and then talk crap about me behind my back. I'm a grown up, I don't feel the need to be friends with everyone. I also don't enjoy people who feel they are superior. We are all made the same. We all have feelings. Just because you have more money or better hair or lighter skin or whatever, you are not better than anyone else. You're just a bigger douche.

Do you prefer boys to girls, and why?

Um, I am not sure what you are asking here Chris. So I will say that when it comes to love, I prefer boys. Men really. My man especially, wink wink. And if you are asking about kids I will tell you that I love my boys and I am proud to be a mom of boys. I am finding that my boys are easier now that they are getting older. I don't feel like I have to watch over them every moment in fear they are going to burn the house down. On the other hand, I am so thankful I was blessed with a daughter. I love shopping for her and taking her places and reading People magazine Fancy Nancy books to her. I like that I have a girl to pal around with, I can relate to her. But now that she is getting older, I am finding her more difficult. She has her own opinions and some times we don't see eye to eye.

If you could turn the clock back what would you do differently?

My biggest regret is that I didn't finish college. Of course I wouldn't be where I am today if I had, but I wish I had a degree. And I will, some day. I have promised myself I will finish and I know I will follow through.

Kristen S. and Trisha ask:

Where did you meet Uberman? How did he ask you out (or did you ask him) and how did he propose?

Uberman and I met when we were 15. Well, I was 15, he was 14. We met at a church function. He was best friends with a boy in my youth group who I was completely infatuated with. I thought I was going to marry that boy. Of course, I hated Uberman when I met him. I thought he was stuck up and obnoxious. And he totally was. Fast forward four years, by now we were friends. I was no longer infatuated with the best friend. And one day things just changed. I said something witty and intelligent (or just really, really stupid) and Uberman laughed so hard. He has the greatest laugh, it's totally contagious and he is kind of known for it. Our middle son has inherited it. But anywho, when he laughed I just looked at him differently and it was like this light went on over him. And that was it. Of course, I asked him out first. If I hadn't we would still be just friends. He proposed to me one night after we had been dating four years. It was at a park under the stars, and very sweet. That boy who introduced us was our best man and he and Uberman are still best friends to this day. I made the right choice.

Kristen S. also asks:

Who is your favorite Hardy Boy?

There is only one answer to this question. Shaun Cassidy. Da doo run run run da doo run run.

What celebrities are you told you resemble?

Kristen, I know you know the answer to this. You've heard me gripe about it for years. I have been told I look like Lynda Carter (not bad, I totally want to be Wonder Woman), Boy George (God help me but I can see it) Shannen Doherty (a psycho), Lucy Lawless (Um, not even!), and Delta Burke (Good Lord). In all honesty, I guess I do resemble Delta Burke. A younger Delta hopefully. Several years ago someone told me I looked like Rosie O'Donnell. Sadly, that person has gone missing.

What is the recipe for your favorite salad?

I just emailed this to Caitlin, how weird! I am going to post it Wednesday. You are welcome!

What is your favorite car you have ever owned?

Of course I am going to say my slut red 1993 Mazda Miata. OMG I loved that car. I talked my way out of sooooooooo many tickets in that thing. It was the best car ever. Until I wrecked it and Uberman made me trade it in for a Honda Accord. Something about my safety and blah blah blah. Sigh. I miss my Barbie dream car.

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Oh wow. I have to pick just one? Well, there's the time I grabbed a total stranger's drink at the movies, totally thinking it was mine since we were sitting next to each other. Uberman will swear to this day that I took a drink of it but I didn't. But then again, neither did the guy after he saw me put it back in his cup holder. Sheesh, I am turning red just writing about this.

There's also that time you are very familiar with, when you and I were emailing at work about someone (a manager, no less) we mutually despised and I inadvertently forwarded our bitchy comments to the ENTIRE department. Yeah. That was a sticky situation. Thank you for forgiving me by the way.

Have you ever won anything cool?

I won $300 playing bingo in Vegas. Does that count? I know, who plays bingo in Vegas? Long story.

Do you like your toe nails?

Um, yeah I guess. When they are painted I think I have pretty feet. No seriously. I should take a picture of them and post it. Except not right now. I am in desperate need of a pedi.

Do you know dogs and bees can smell fear? Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds? Did you know my neighbor has rabbits?

Yes, I had heard rumors of all of these things. Did you know Tom Cruise is a psycho? Did you also know that kid who played the hockey player's son, the one who flips him off, is Drake Bell? Did you also know this is the second time I have mentioned Drake Bell in my blog and who knows what kind of freaky Google searches are going to lead people here now? I'm scared.

Well folks, thank you for playing. More Q & A tomorrow. Which is not the same as T & A. That's a totally different blog but the title is very similar.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Georgia Peach

Last night I went to visit my Grandma for a couple of hours. I love my Grandma. She's a strong southern woman, a real lady. I love listening to her talk in her southern drawl. It makes everything she says sound a little bit feistier.

I admire this woman. She's strong, yet feminine. She's quiet, yet observant. And she's wise. So very wise. This is a woman who spent most of her life as a pastor's wife, living under constant scrutiny and judgment from others. She raised 6 children while sharing the attention of her husband with hundreds of other people. But she held her head high and never complained. I am so glad my daughter has a family full of strong women to look up to.

Last night Grandma surprised me. She's at that point in her life where she feels she needs to start eliminating things, keep it simple. She feels there's no need to keep hanging on to stuff that she doesn't have room for anymore. For years she has collected the Department 56 Dickens Christmas Village. I have always loved looking at it during the holidays. And last night when I got to her house, the entryway was full of boxes. The Christmas Village, all boxed up and waiting for me to take home. And equally precious, her Mickey Mouse cookie jar that I have loved and admired for over 20 years, now a part of my own Disney cookie jar collection.

I was so thankful for her generosity and so honored that she asked me to have them. But it was a bittersweet moment. It's sad to think that she is getting to that point where she feels the need to simplify, because as she said "You can't take it with you."

I have been so lucky in my life to have two sets of grandparents to learn from. And I really believe that each one of them left a lasting imprint on who I am today. I lost my fabulous Grandpa G eight years ago, followed by the devastating loss of my Grandma G three years later. And then my sweet Grandpa B last year. Grandma B is all I have left. It sucks being at the age where you start losing the people closest to you.

I realized last night that all I can do is learn as much as I can from her, soak in her strength, her polite southern charm, her ladylike manners. I need her recipes for scalloped potatoes and pimento cheese spread (hey don't make that face, I am the pickiest eater on the planet and I could eat this stuff 24/7).

Hopefully I can not only pass on her possessions to my babies, but also those qualities in her that I admire most.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


Just because I believe it is appropriate to give credit where it is due, I got this idea from Brooke at Skrinkering Hearts. She's a doll. Check her out.

My Nots: I am not the type of girl to blow smoke up your bum. If you ask for my opinion, you're going to get it. I am not going to tell you that you look great when you don't, or that you acted appropriately when you didn't, or that you are justified in being a bitch if you aren't. I am not going to tell you you're baby is cute if I don't think he or she is. I may say she has big eyes or he has a sweet smile, but if I don't think he's cute I am not going to lie to you.

I am not a fan of vegetables. I wish I were, but I am not. I have gotten better over the years. I will eat tomatoes now and I don't spend the entire meal picking out the onions. I will eat various veggies if they are raw, but I don't enjoy them cooked. I am not oblivious to the fact that this is an unhealthy way to live and that I am passing on the picky-ness to my children. I am not ignorant and I know my eating habits are relative to my current issues with weight. But I am not unhappy with who I am and I do not think the size of my clothes define me as a person.

I am not always patient, understanding and kind. Although I do forgive pretty easily and I am always willing to admit when I am wrong. I am not always slow to speak and I say things without thinking. I am not always even tempered, but I almost always know when I am being unreasonable, even if I don't admit it right then and there. I'm not always careful with my heart and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt a little too often. I am not always careful with my words and I tend to say things without realizing I am being hurtful.

I am not someone who wants to hear excuses, and I don't give them often either. I don't have patience for people who can't do their jobs because they are lazy or inflexible. I am not someone who is afraid to apologize if I made a mistake. I believe people trust you more if you take ownership. I am not someone who likes to say no, I want to make people happy even if it means I am miserable.

I am not the mother who says "Oh no, not my kid." I am fully aware of what my children are capable of and I am not so fixated on being their friend that I forget I need to mould them into functional adults some day. I am not one to shield them from the hardships of life. But I am also not the mom who is going to stand there, confident that she did the best she could and not look back. I will always wonder what I could have done better.

I am not a fan of change, yet I am adventurous and I like to try new things. I will adapt as long as I am given a little time to do so. I am not someone who can keep their feelings bottled inside, I need to vent in order to process it and move on. And I am not someone who can move on without closure.

I am not the same woman I was 10 years ago. And I don't have time for people who refuse to grow. Or for people who can't let go of who I used to be and get to know me now. I am not a girl who is totally comfortable with how she looks, but who loves the person she is on the inside and hopes with all her heart and soul, that girl is the one people see.

I am not someone who is afraid of the future. I am not finished growing, learning and experiencing life around me. I am not single minded. I can see your side of it if you will take the time to explain it to me. I can appreciate your point of view, even if I don't agree.

I do not appreciate being labeled or pigeon holed, especially if you can't take the time to get to know me. I am not a typical woman. A typical Christian. A typical mom or wife or daughter or friend. I am unique. I am not someone who can look forward without ever looking back. I want to see how far I have come.

Friday, November 7, 2008


I have a hypothetical question for ya.

Let's say you are working in a bank. Totally hypothetically. And a man enters the building wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Or hoodie if you prefer. And he is actually wearing the hood. Who, besides children and boxers, does that? It is completely covering the top of his head and part of his face. In addition to the hood, he is also wearing extra large, mirrored, aviator sun glasses. And we all know how I feel about those, but whatever. So basically, the only part of this man's face that you can hypothetically see is his nose and mouth.

Are you with me so far?

And as he is hypothetically standing in line, you notice he is fidgety. Nervous. Shifting his weight from left foot to right. Constantly looking behind him. Checking his watch. And basically acting like a three year old about to pee his pants.

Now again, hypothetically and based on no actual event whatsoever, as a FREAKING BANK EMPLOYEE, do you view this person as suspicious?

Yeah?? ME TOO!! Ahem, hypothetically.

And so, hypothetically, if you asked this guy in a very kind and professional manner to please, either remove his sunglasses or his hood, his choice, what would you hypothetically say if he hypothetically REFUSED?

And then, hypothetically he starts ranting about how you are violating his privacy and he is insulted and has never been asked to do something so ridiculous and who do you think you are discriminating against him for the way he is dressed?

Do you, hypothetically, say the following:

Sir, I sincerely apologize if you took my request as an insult or an act of discrimination. I did not violate your privacy in any way, I asked you to remove one of two items, your choice. My first priority as a BANK EMPLOYEE, surrounded by large amounts of money and a high possibility of robberies especially this time of year, is the safety of my customers, the other employees and myself. You CAN NOT expect to walk into a FINANCIAL INSTITUTION dressed as the Unabomber and NOT be perceived as suspicious. If you refuse to cooperate with my request you are more than welcome to take your transaction to another institution.

Thank you and Good Day!

What is the matter with people? I mean hypothetically??

Oh who cares. I said Good Day!!

Please note, this post is a work of fiction and is not based on actual events. Any similarities to an actual event, real or imagined, are purely coincidental. But for the love of God and all that is holy, please use some common sense or look in a freaking mirror before you enter a bank and scare the ess aych eye tee out of everyone inside. You stupid, thoughtless moron.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Questions and More High-Low

Seriously people? I give you the opportunity to ask me questions, anything you want, and the only person who asks anything is Caitlin? What is up with that?? Now I realize many of you who read this know me in real life and probably already know waaaaaaaay to much, but humor me here. You're the ones who come back and read this stupid crap every day, you must find me somewhat interesting.

So I am giving you one more chance. Ask away. What do you want to know? Anything. I will answer. Just please keep in mind this is a family blog. Meaning many of my family members read it. Let's try to keep our questions clean. Notice how I didn't say appropriate?? Ha!

I will post the Q&A on Monday. That gives you four days to come up with a question and present it in the comments. Got it??

In the mean time, we're going to do another round of High-Low. Or Low-High since I like to end on the positive.

Lows for the day:

  • My feet are killing me because I wore those sky high hooker heels again.
  • We were listening to some classic rock station at work today and now I have Stairway to Heaven stuck in my head. And that song scares me. It's evil. They taught us that in Sunday School.
  • I am so SICK of people talking about the election. It's OVER. Move on.
  • I am even more sick of people talking about OPRAH and how happy she is about the results. Why do we care so much about what Oprah thinks? I am SICK of Oprah!! (But I will still totally TiVo her annual Favorite Things episode this month. Just being honest.)
  • I am in serious need of a haircut and color. But my beloved hairdresser decided to take 9 months off to dance on a cruise ship all over the world. What freaking ever. Now I have to trust a stranger! Gasp!
  • I have been walking around with Boo's preschool tuition in my purse for a week and I keep forgetting to turn it in. Now I am past the grace period and have to pay a $25 late fee. My own fault but really ticks me off wasting money like that.

Okay, enough griping. On to the Highs!

  • Uberman fixed my computer!! I am so glad I married him instead of all those other guys who were begging me.
  • My middle child is Student of the Week. He rocks!
  • Have any of you tried Dogfish Head Punkin Ale? I am not much of a beer fan, but this is Deeee-Lish! It is "a full bodied brown ale brewed with real pumpkin, brown sugar, allspice, cinnamon & nutmeg." Yeah, I totally just quoted the bottle.
  • I filled my gas tank up for $55 this afternoon. I paid $2.45 a gallon!! Can I get a whoop whoop?
  • I'm healthy, happy, have a great guy and three amazing kids. There's a roof over our head, food in the fridge and steady paychecks coming in. Plus we have a lot of love in this house. Life is good.

All right y'all. I have more laundry to fold and a full dishwasher that needs to be emptied. Have a great night! And I better see some questions in the comments! Got it?? If you are lurking - de-lurk! I won't bite. At least not at first. Ha!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Uberman and 5 Things

Well Uberman has been very flattered by your requests for him to guest post. But he's a little shy. I am still working on it, but I am pretty sure I can convince him.

Now this NaBloPoMo thing is difficult. Thinking of something blogworthy every day puts some pressure on a girl. We might be doing lots of lists, is that cool? I stole this one from my girl Katie. I'm too lazy to link her right now, but she is on my blog roll to the right under the Queen's Court. I'll try to keep it interesting.

Five Things:

Ten Years Ago
  1. I was planning Junior's first birthday bash. It was a doozie.
  2. I was still getting used to being a stay at home mom.
  3. I was thinner, but still thought I was fat. Oh how I would kill to be that fat again.
  4. I was obsessed with scrapbooking.
  5. I could never have imagined I would be as happy as I am today.

5 Things on Today's To Do List

  1. Take Boo to preschool and bring the snack for her class.
  2. Drop off the dry cleaning.
  3. Go to the bank because Uberman STILL has not set up his direct deposit. Grrrr.
  4. Finish two loads of laundry (wash, dry and for the love of God, put away!!).
  5. Think of a fascinating and intellectually stimulating post for the day. FAIL.

5 Snacks I Enjoy

  1. Chips and dip
  2. Chips and salsa
  3. Cookies
  4. Pretzels
  5. Fruit - mostly apples or grapes

5 Places I Have Lived

  1. Las Vegas Nevada
  2. Salt Lake City Utah
  3. Brigham City Utah
  4. Mesa Arizona
  5. Phoenix Arizona

5 Jobs That I Have Had (please note, I no longer have any of these jobs)

  1. Waitress (Sucked at it)
  2. Nanny
  3. Quality Analyst
  4. Training Specialist
  5. Office Manager

So there you have it. Maybe you learned a little more about me today. And if there is anything else you want to know, please let me know in your comments. Maybe I can do a whole post answering your questions.

Peace out peeps. I have to go get the clothes out of the dryer.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Can He Fix It? Yes He Can!!

My computer died on Sunday. Yes, I know. Thank you for your sympathies. First my bra and now this. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I was typing an email to my good friend Kristen S. Who I would assign an alias, but when she comments she is Kristen S. Anyhoozers, I am typing her an email, probably begging her again to start her own blog, and poof, Blue Screen of Death. Yes, it's really called that. Look it up. So basically, my hard drive is corrupted. Whatever that means. And I need a new one.

But the good news is, my Uberman can fix anything. No really. I keep him around because he is so handy. And he makes the best steak you will ever eat. And he's pretty hot. So there you go. So he is working on my computer as I type this. Which I am typing on his computer. Which is new and fancy and way cooler than my computer. Maybe he'll trade me? Probably not.

But what would I do without my Uberman? My best friend. The guy who fixes stuff. And lifts heavy things. And knows everything about computers and electronic thingamajigs. He's pretty awesome. And he's trying to fix my computer quickly because he knows I am going to hog his until it is fixed. Dude, we are at the beginning of NaBloPoMo here. There's no time for messing around with blue screens of death.

Hey! Maybe Uberman will do a guest post this month?? Wouldn't that be fun?? So I need all of you reading this to tell him in the comments how much you would love to hear from him.

I'll leave y'all with that for now. I am going to go use my persuasive skills to get him to agree to guest post. And when I say persuasive skills, I mean bake him cookies. Get your minds out of the gutter people. William, I am looking at you.

Peace out.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I Pity The Fool Who Doesn't Like Sly

A few years ago I was working in an industry that allowed me to work from home. Yeah, it was awesome. Until the bottom fell out of the market and the money stopped coming in. But I digress. Occasionally it was necessary for me to meet clients to have papers signed.

On this one particular occasion, my boss had planned to meet one of his clients and was unfortunately delayed in another meeting. He called and asked if I would fill in for him, meeting this client at Starbucks to exchange paperwork.

I arrived at Starbucks to wait. It was mid-morning in August and pretty busy. All my boss had told me was that the client was male and that he was interesting. Yes, he said interesting. I should have known right then and there.

I saw him before he walked into the building. I knew it was him. He was probably my age, maybe a little younger. Except he looked like one of the T-Birds. What makes you say that, April? Well, for one thing, he was sporting a significant amount of product in his hair. And when I say product, I mean the same stuff Danny Zucko and Kenickie used. And he was wearing a black leather jacket. Uh-huh. Did you hear me earlier when I told you it was August? In Arizona?? I started sweating just looking at him.

He introduced himself and then went on to complain about how inconvenient it was for him to meet me at this location. Oh wait, did I mention he picked the location? No? I forgot to tell you that? Yeah. So I am wondering if this guy is a little special. And I don't mean unique.

So we are exchanging paperwork and making a little small talk and then all of a sudden he is telling me how much he admires Sylvester Stallone. You know that episode of Friends where Phoebe is giving birth to the triplets and the doctor comes in and tells her he really likes Fonzie? Yeah, it was like that.

Me: Mr. [Weirdo], could you please sign here and here, and initial here?
He: Yeah, do you need this stuff from me? (Hands me paperwork)
Me: Yes, thank you. I'll make sure [My Boss] gets it.
He: Yeah, I can't believe he sent his secretary to meet me. That's totally lame.
Me: I'm not his secretary.
He: Oh sorry, do you prefer administrative assistant? This is a nice pen.
Me: No, I'm not his assistant. We work together, we're a team.
He: Yeah, sure. Sorry. I didn't realize you were sensitive about that.
Me: No, I'm not, um, never mind. Can you also sign here?
He: I love this pen. You know what else I love? Sylvester Stallone. I'm a huge fan.
Me: (Staring)
He: Don't you think he's the coolest action hero ever?
Me: (Still staring)
He: Personally I prefer Rocky to Rambo, but First Blood was pretty killer.
Me: Ummm, I don't think I ever saw it.
He: What? Are you kidding?
Me: No.
He: What about Rocky?
Me: Yes, I did see those.
He: Which one is your favorite?
Me: Um. I don't know. I've never thought about it.
He: Well think about it. Pick one.
Me: Ummm, okay. I guess three. Is that the one with Mr. T?
He: Yes, Clubber Lang.
Me: Yes. That's the one.
He: Good, I personally prefer the first one, but whatever. If you had said four I would have punched you right out of your seat. Where did you get this pen?
Me: Well, okay. I should be going. Thank you for taking the time to meet me.
He: Do you hear that?
Me: Hmm? What?
He: What is that? (Stands up and looks around Starbucks.) You! (Points to customer standing in line.) Are you whistling?
Customer: Uh, yeah. I was.
He: Can you knock it the [eff] off? You're [effing] annoying me.
Me: (Peeing my pants and staring in shock and horror)
He: Nice to meet you April. Can I keep this pen?
Me: Yes, please. Just don't kill anyone with it.

Needless to say, I not only made my boss split his commission with me on that deal, but I also told him I would NOT be meeting any more of his clients.

So why do I tell you this story? Because guess who came into my new place of business today?? The Sly Fan with Anger Management Issues. He did not recognize me, thank you Jesus. But don't think I did not let everyone know he was a psycho. After he left of course.

And my new boss says to one of my coworkers "Isn't that the guy who screamed and yelled because he hated our pens?" And the coworker responded, "No, that was the guy in love with Sylvester Stallone."

To which new boss and I exclaimed at the same time "Same guy!"

Okay I realize that crazy people make the world a more interesting place. But seriously? I would gladly sacrifice more interesting for less terrifying. I think even Sly would agree with me on this one.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Holiday Season - Whoop De Doo

Well lookee here. It's November! Is that how you spell "lookee"? Or would you say Lookie? Or Looky? Oh who cares.

It's November. Can you people believe that? I can not. Even though we just celebrated Halloween. Even though every store you go into has Christmas decorations on display already. Even though they were hanging Christmas lights on the palm trees outside of work on Thursday. Notice how I said NOVEMBER?? Not December. Have you noticed how we transition from Halloween to Christmas just like that? We totally skip over Thanksgiving. What's the rush, people? Remember when the Christmas season did not start until the day after Thanksgiving? And now it's like the whole holiday just gets passed over. I wonder if Thanksgiving is pissed about that?

Well I for one am not ready for Christmas. I am just not into it this year. Why, you ask?


It was so hot Halloween night that the chocolate candy I was passing out, MELTED. My kids are still wearing shorts to school every day. They just stopped swimming a month ago.

I did turn the air conditioner off today and I have the windows open. But it's borderline uncomfortably warm in the house. So I just can't get into thinking about putting up a Christmas tree and stringing lights on palm trees right now. And I love Christmas. I love this time of year. I love the crowded malls and the music and shopping and wrapping presents and baking. Love it! But not yet. Not when it's 88 degrees and the house is still full of Halloween candy. (Because most of the trick or treaters chose the beer over the candy, surprise!)

Sigh. I never thought I would say this, but I miss the snow. Only at this time of year. I grew up in Utah, have I told you that? No, I'm not Mormon. But I miss the cool weather and the need for coats and boots and gloves and scarves. I miss that very first snow fall. Where you wake up one morning and the ground is blanketed in white. It's quiet and peaceful. And you just can't help but get excited for Christmas.

Christmas lights on a cactus or palm tree is just not the same. Do you know, I do not even own a coat? I have oodles of jackets. And a few years ago, I had the most gorgeous coat with a fur (save the emails, it was faux) lined hood. But I never wore it. Not once. So I gave it to my mom because she lives up north where it does occasionally snow. And it pisses me off to see her wearing it because she looks so cute in it and it was mine.

OMG! I just had a light bulb moment! I think I know how Thanksgiving feels!!

Global warming sucks.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Things I Let Myself Get Talked Into....

So Caitlin convinced me to join NaBloPoMo. After several emails and text messages that went something like this:

She: Come on! You can do it! You're such an amazing, talented and gifted writer! Plus you're smokin' hot.
Me: No Caitlin, I just do not have time in my busy schedule for such shenanigans.
She: But you are so awesome! You need to share your awesomeness with the rest of the world!
Me: Yes, I am awesome, but have far too much on my plate to worry about posting EVERY DAY for an entire MONTH.
She: But April, you have a gift! It is your obligation to share it with the masses!
Me: Oh darling, silly, little sister that I never had. Flattery will get you no where.
She (breaking down in tears): Did I ever tell you you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be. Oh and I, I can fly higher than an eagle. Because you are the wind beneath my wings!
Me (sighing, rolling eyes): Okay! I'll do it. But only if you stop singing!!
She: You complete me.

So this is how I got roped into this. And it could be a disaster. But I am committed to it. I am going to post every day during the month of November.

You realize what this means, right? You are going to be so sick of me. And I might have to talk about things that I would not normally talk about. Because it is so difficult coming up with a blog worthy topic a few times a week!! And now I have committed to ONE A DAY FOR 30 DAYS!! Oh. My. God. What have I done?? Can you all excuse me momentarily? I just need to stick my head between my knees for a minute.

(Deep breaths . . . .)

Okay. Allright. Game on! We can do this. I can do this. You can do this! But we are going to have to set up some rules.

First - You will read what I put in front of you and you will not complain. Because it might suck. (Highly unlikely, but still slightly possible.)
Second - If it does suck, we will not discuss how badly it sucked. You will forgive me and we will move on.
Third - You will keep your expectations low. Really low. Pamela Anderson v-neck shirt low.
And finally - There may be some recycling of stories, things you have heard me talk about if you know me in real life. Material is precious people. We are going to use everything we have, there will be no wasting of resources.

So now that we are clear, I would like to remind you all that we are in this together. I for one am scared to death. But I will not let you down. I am not a quitter! So good luck to all!

And God Save the Queen!

Editors Note: Some of the conversation with Caitlin may have only happened in my head, I really can't remember. But if you have not visited her, please take some time to do so. She's an absolute doll!