Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Nothing Beats a Great Pair of Legs


So the new job is going well. I am anxious to get over the learning curve so I can stop feeling like an idiot. But other than that, it is awesome.
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There is always a little bitter with the sweet though, isn't there? And I don't really count the feeling like an idiot part as the bitter, because I know that's just temporary. Once I get into the swing of things, I will rock the socks off this job. Believe that.
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So do you want to know what the bitter is? Yeah? I knew you would!
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It's the Dress Code.
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Yes. This company does not believe in Business Casual. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the lovely state of Arizona and it's brutal heat that lasts six months or more, Business Casual is pretty much the norm around here. But new company wants to set itself apart. Wants to project an image of the highest level of professionalism at all times. Which means employees are to be dressed as uncomfortably as possible. Men are to wear full on suits. Jacket, button up shirt, ties, the whole shebang. (Is it shebang or shabang? Anyone know?) And women are to wear suits or dresses. If a dress is worn, it must be accompanied by that one accessory that strikes fear in the hearts of all women.... Pantyhose. (Shudder.)
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Yes my friends. Today, I chose to wear a skirt. It is a gorgeous black skirt that I am so in love with I would marry it if I could. It's straight and long, hitting just below the calf and flares out a little at the bottom. The only reason I have not worn it yet is because I knew I would have to bust out the dreaded requirement of (gulp) pantyhose. Even typing the word makes me feel uncomfortable. It has been a long time since I have had to put them on. I am totally out of practice. I mean, dear Lord! Who actually wears these things? What century are we living in? I wasn't sure they even made them anymore.
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So of course I waited until after Uberman left for work, knowing full well he would have plopped down on our bed with a big coke and a bucket of popcorn to watch the hilarity ensue. Anyone who has watched their significant other yank on a pair of these bad boys knows what I am talking about, right? I took a moment to prepare myself mentally, to get in the zone. I did a few stretches, just to be safe. Don't want to pull a hammy. Then going on memory alone, I scrunched one leg from control top to toe, and slid my foot in, carefully releasing a little slack in the hose as I eased them up my leg. Hey I got this, it's not so difficult. Just like riding a bike. Easy squeezy lemon peasy, right?
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Wrong.
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All was going well until I had both legs in up to my mid thigh. And then had to yank the rest of them up and over my big ass. I'm yanking, I'm pulling, trying to make sure both legs are even and the crotch isn't sagging. Ladies, is there anything more annoying than sagging panythose crotch?? So I continue tugging, stretching, panting, sweating, swearing.... And then just like magic, they were on. I heard angels singing. But that could have been due to the lack of circulation of blood to the brain. I'm not really sure.
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As I collapsed on my bed in exhaustion, I just prayed to God that I didn't die right there of a heart attack because can you even imagine what the paramedics would think when they found me? "Yeah Mike, looks like we got another one. It was the pantyhose again. Someone really should pass a bill outlawing those things, they're a menace."
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And don't even say "thigh highs" to me. Don't you dare. If you are about to say the words "thigh highs," just turn back around and take your little helpful suggesting self back where you came from. I don't want to hear it. Why? I'll tell you why! Because the thigh highs cut into the thigh. And since I am no Olympic gymnast and have officially retired my Victoria's Secret Model membership card, my thighs are a little, um . . . soft? Squishy? Totally not conducive to thigh high wearing, okay? They leave an indentation, a roll if you will, making my leg resemble those of the Michelin Tire Man. Not an attractive silhouette under an absolutely to die for, form fitting skirt that flares at the bottom. Don't you people watch Project Runway? It's all about the silhouette!
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Deep breaths....
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Needless to say, I didn't die from the exertion of pouring myself into a sausage casing. Uh, I mean putting on the hose. I may have blacked out a little but I recovered quickly. And we'll just call that my cardio for the day. Now it was just all up to the control top. So I said a little prayer that the control top would indeed stay in control. Because, my friends, if the control top gives way, anyone within a three foot perimeter is getting hurt. You've seen those crash test videos where the airbags go off, right? We are talking serious injuries.
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The good news is they were so tight, eating and/or sitting was completely out of the question. And breathing was limited to short intermittent breaths in order to avoid turning blue.
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But... I looked awesome. If I do say so myself. It was the silhouette to end all silhouettes. And you should have seen the super slutty, sky high heels that topped off the outfit. It's going to take my feet a week to recover from that torture. But like my Auntie B always says "Fashion before comfort." She is so wise.
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17 comments:

for a different kind of girl said...

Hilarious! I'm jealous you got them all the way on and were able to rock them the entire day. It's been a long time since I've worn hose, but each and every time I did, I put a run in them just trying to get the damn things on!

Kristin said...

April, I swear you are the funniest person I know!! All through the blog I was so scared you might actually have to go to the bathroom in the day! Which would, of course, start the whole cycle over again - only in a public restroom! [shutter] I can't even imagine trying to muffle the grunts and moans in the stall.

Caitlin said...

I frickin love this entry.
And I love you, pantyhose and all. I know you looked GORGEOUS!

chandy said...

Love this! But I do feel so sorry for you...do you at least get casual friday? That's the beauty of the engineering field...nobody has an ounce of fashion sense, so I can get away with almost anything!

My aunt has to wear pantyhose for work everyday and loathes them with every fiber of her being. My uncle is a mortician, and promises that when she dies, he's going to make sure she's buried in pantyhose. Nice, eh? :)

kristen s said...

"Shebang" vs. "Shabang" Hmmmmmmm... I'm going with "shabang". I'm pretty sure "shebang" is what William Hung sang on American Idol.

Gasp! How awful that you have to wear pantyhose! I am grateful every single day that I don't have to wear them.

The last time I had to undergo the scene you so eloquently described was the day of my father's funeral. For funerals, especially unexpected family ones, you don't exactly have the time or the desire to go out and shop for something nice to wear. I had to make do and opt for a pair that had been in my drawer for at least 5 years or more. I was so torn through the whole service because I was an emotional wreck on one hand, but as much as I'd like to deny it, there was a part of my brain the entire time that couldn't stop thinking about how far the crotch of my pantyhose was sagging, how uncomfortable it was and how there would be NO WAY for me to gracefully adjust myself while thanking everyone for coming. I mean, I'm sure you've also attempted to pull off the "big hoist" in a public arena so you know what I mean when I say that it's NOT FREAKING POSSIBLE! I know somewhere my dad got a chuckle out of my dilemma.

All men should be made to wear them for one full day of work to get a better appreciation of what we have to endure to project our best Project Runway silhouette.

You'd better be careful going to work looking so smokin' hot awesome with those control top hose and super slutty heels though. Flirty 85 year old guy will come in again and think you're puttin' out the vibe to get yourself a new "fella".

Kristi said...

Wow, congrats on surviving day one of the torture device. You deserve a big glass of wine!

Trisha said...

Living in Texas - I feel your pain! I too have pretty much given up the whole pantyhose thing - as have all the women I know. Getting into the darn things are ridiculous when it is 90+ and HUMID!

I do congratulate you on your mastery of the things though. You go girl!

DevilsHeaven said...

Making you wear panties hose is the heat of AZ is inhumane! I hate doing the panty hose dance! I always end up with the front higher than the back and MY thighs are so squishy, as you say, that the bunch up where my leg meets my torso. And that is NOT fun, let me tell ya. The "NO ROLL TOP" top of them? ROLLS.
Class A torture device.

Bogart in P Towne said...

My dad tried to convince me that when scuba diving, I should wear pantyhose...he said it makes it easier to put on the wet suit.

He lies.

DutchMac said...

This may not help on the 'heat' end of the issue, but for comfort, I can offer a Dutch solution.

Knee-high boots.

I swear, Dutch girls come out of the womb wearing their 'laarzen.' Every self-respecting woman here in Clog Land owns at least four dozen pair of boots, even if they do cover the wide range of the Sliding Scale of Fashion. Like you, I refuse to wear the blinkin' awful nylon implements of torture, and here's how I get around it:

Long skirt (preferably with no slit up the back to reveal the atrocities underneath) and killer boots, covering granny-fashion-statement 'knee highs' and (yes, I admit) spandex running shorts. Why they running shorts, you may ask? They do double, no, TRIPLE duty.

1. Seamless underwear ... no VPL.
2. If, for some unthinkable reason, your skirt goes flying, you won't be revealing your precious bits to the masses.
3. Thigh-chafe prevention. You know what I'm talking about; the rug-burn like wound from your no-longer-teenage-taut quadriceps slapping against each other with every painful step.

Yes, I admit, I rock this combo on a regular basis. I look fantastic from the outside, but spend my days secretly praying I never get in that proverbial car accident where the ER docs start performing a life-saving technique, only to have to turn their faces so your near-dead eyes can't see the tears of laughter streaming from theirs.

I wish you the best of luck.

Coffee Bean said...

Oh my gosh! I am laughing so hard! Being a freak of nature gargantuan 5'11" and a lard butt I've cannot tell you how many pairs of hose I've put a run in trying to get the crotch up to where it is supposed to go! I won't let my husband watch me put them on either and I've so experienced the sweaty near blackout.

Bogart cracked me up! My husband wore pantyhose under his long johns one time when he went skiing. His mom told him they would help keep him warm. He broke his leg that day! He He He!!!

Sue said...

April, you are a riot! So friggin funny!

These days I hate putting on anything other than my flip flops or my walking shoes. Any other "big-girl" shoes make me squirm. The thought of panty hose makes me break out in a sweat!

More power to ya!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I bet you looked great :O) The last place I worked I wore flip flops on most days.

April said...

I'm a nanny for a family in Ct, and my boss commutes to NY for work. She works in an office and she doesn't wear pantyhose! It should be outlawed!! :0

Jessie said...

So, of course, I have to weigh in. Honestly, I hate thigh highs. I hate the bulge. I hate the cutting into. It's horrible. If anything should be outlawed, it's thigh highs. Right?

So, confession time. I actually like panty hose. I prefer the silhouette they create rather than my bulbous tush. Somehow I just look a little bit better in panty hose. (Maybe I just feel a little sexier.) I do not enjoy putting them on or having to take bathroom breaks while wearing them. I love taking them off. But honestly, they look great on the outside.

While it's as hot as Hades, though, I stick to Assets, Target's brand of Spanx. I would buy stock in them if I could afford it. :)

Becky said...

Watching me put on pantyhose...well, as one Spanko once said..."It's like trying to put 10 pounds of dog food in a 5 pound bag."

Yep. May he rest in peace.

The Pantyhose-less Maid

PS - I think they make crotchless pantyhose...you should try that...then if the potty break happens...you don't have to take them off. Tee Hee Hee.

creative-type dad said...

I wish my job had some sort of "code". Right now everybody looks like they just woke up.

There's something to be said for a workplace where people actually look like they're at work.