Thursday, October 30, 2008

All Treats, Because Tricks are for Kids

Do you want to hear something depressing?

My boys, ages ten (almost 11) and 8, CHOOSE NOT to go Trick or Treating this year. They say they are too old for it. What?? So I said, "You won't get any candy." And the younger one says "That's okay, candy is not healthy." What the heck is going on here? Did I stumble into some sort of alternate universe?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY KID??

So I said, "Mac, vegetables are healthy and you refuse to eat those."

AND he says.... "Mom, please. One thing at a time."

So God, if you are listening, in my next life, can you please give me some normal kids?

Oh!! And I haven't even told you the best part. Are you ready?? This neighborhood we live in? These people go all out for Halloween. The kids here don't walk door to door. They ride in golf carts. Oh how I wish I were lying to you. And the other houses? They give out FULL SIZE CANDY BARS. Yes! You read that correctly. Last year, you should have seen the stuff these kids came home with. Candy bars (FULL SIZE PEOPLE!!), cans of pop, packets of baseball cards, Hot Wheel cars, play dough. I think Mac even got some stock certificates. It was CRAZY town.

And I thought I was a bad ass because I was passing out Halloween pencils. And then I couldn't figure out why these ungrateful brats coming to my door walked away all disappointed.

One kid dressed as Harry Potter said "No thank you" and then turned around and screamed up the street to a Clone Trooper - "She's only got pencils! I repeat, PENCILS!!"

The Clone Trooper nodded, pulled a walkie talkie out of his candy bag and said "We've got pencils on Elm Street, two-story with a witches broom in the entryway. Over."

Just as he finished, a Hannah Montana across the street yelled "We've had a raisin sighting!"


And Clone Trooper is on the walkie again. "That's affirmative. Pencils and raisins on Elm."

For the next several months I had to deal with the whispers and stares when I dropped the boys off at school. "Like ohmygod! That's the pencil lady!"

Can you believe that? I know! And that was just from the parents. The kids were even worse.

So I thought this year maybe we would be that family with the lights off pretending not to be home. And then I had a brilliant idea. I have a plan. I am going to save face and get my kids back on the A list.

We're passing out beer.

8 comments:

Katie @ 3 Blondes and a Redhead said...

We've been a play doh house for a few years. The older kids all screamed "COOL!" while others rolled their eyes. I kind of felt like the old lady giving out toothbrushes or worse...pennies. The few kids who thought I was cool helped me keep my dignity.

HA - beer! You crack me up, girl!

for a different kind of girl said...

OMG, you have killed me with this post! Hilarious! Also, I think aliens grabbed hold of your kids. You might want to check they're still human!

There's a house down the street who regularly gives out bottles of beer to the parents. I guarantee you there were some disappointed folks out there on the streets tonight when they didn't turn their porch light on!

Becky said...

If I go into labor on Halloween, we will have the coolest house on the block...we can pipe the labor screams and moans out on the front porch as sound effects and put the placenta in a glass jar next to the big cauldron of candy. Oh, I am so Martha freakin' Stewart.

The Maid

Karen R said...

I cannot believe you passed out pencils. Reminds me of the time Larry wanted to give out his toothbrushes and I made him also give out candy bars. That's like the losers who carry around the donation cartons or who give out Pencils or Play Doh!! I even had one mother give out homemade caramel apples. That ended up down the sewer drain. Who are you people??!! Bring back full-size candy bars and ban Dum-Dum suckers! That's my mantra this year.

April said...

I'm leavingo our lights off and putting a sign on the door, "No candy...go away!"
Think your neighbors are bad? One of ours gave out money last year...no joke. He put ones, fives and even a few twenties around candy bars. OMG. I can't compete with that!

DevilsHeaven said...

I've been out for a few days, you know, GETTING MARRIED and all, and to come back to 5 unread posts in a row? SWEET HEAVEN on a CRACKER You crack me the hockey sticks up!!!!!! Seriously, I missed you.

chandy said...

Full-sized candy bars and kids can't even WALK to trick or treat any more? They have to be driven around in golf carts? Puh-lease!
Another explanation for the childhood obesity epidemic!

Caitlin said...

I would like to live in your neighborhood and be Taken Cared Of by all your neighbors. Seriously, can I be the neighborhood hobo?

And your kids DON'T want to go trick or treating??!!
My guess is that they've got something better planned. Like a bunch of tricks that involve rotten eggs and blowing up your neighbors toilet. Indeed, who needs treats?