Do you want to hear something depressing?
My boys, ages ten (almost 11) and 8, CHOOSE NOT to go Trick or Treating this year. They say they are too old for it. What?? So I said, "You won't get any candy." And the younger one says "That's okay, candy is not healthy." What the heck is going on here? Did I stumble into some sort of alternate universe?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY KID??
So I said, "Mac, vegetables are healthy and you refuse to eat those."
AND he says.... "Mom, please. One thing at a time."
So God, if you are listening, in my next life, can you please give me some normal kids?
Oh!! And I haven't even told you the best part. Are you ready?? This neighborhood we live in? These people go all out for Halloween. The kids here don't walk door to door. They ride in golf carts. Oh how I wish I were lying to you. And the other houses? They give out FULL SIZE CANDY BARS. Yes! You read that correctly. Last year, you should have seen the stuff these kids came home with. Candy bars (FULL SIZE PEOPLE!!), cans of pop, packets of baseball cards, Hot Wheel cars, play dough. I think Mac even got some stock certificates. It was CRAZY town.
And I thought I was a bad ass because I was passing out Halloween pencils. And then I couldn't figure out why these ungrateful brats coming to my door walked away all disappointed.
One kid dressed as Harry Potter said "No thank you" and then turned around and screamed up the street to a Clone Trooper - "She's only got pencils! I repeat, PENCILS!!"
The Clone Trooper nodded, pulled a walkie talkie out of his candy bag and said "We've got pencils on Elm Street, two-story with a witches broom in the entryway. Over."
Just as he finished, a Hannah Montana across the street yelled "We've had a raisin sighting!"
And Clone Trooper is on the walkie again. "That's affirmative. Pencils and raisins on Elm."
For the next several months I had to deal with the whispers and stares when I dropped the boys off at school. "Like ohmygod! That's the pencil lady!"
Can you believe that? I know! And that was just from the parents. The kids were even worse.
So I thought this year maybe we would be that family with the lights off pretending not to be home. And then I had a brilliant idea. I have a plan. I am going to save face and get my kids back on the A list.
We're passing out beer.