Monday, September 1, 2008

Everything You Wanted To Know About Vampires, But Were Afraid To Ask

So Raia has gotten me hooked on the Twilight books. I know. I can't believe I am reading a series of books about a girl who falls in love with a vampire. And I can't put them down. And don't tell anyone I told you this, but I am only half way through the second book and I have already cried. Twice. Seriously. Actual tears on my face.

And Uberman thinks the whole thing is hilarious. He's making fun of me. He's making fun of Me. When he's the one screaming into his headset and taunting some 14 year old kid in Columbus "Oh yeah! I kicked your ASS! You suck at Medal of Honor kid. Maybe you should go back to Mario Party!" Uh-huh.

So the following is a transcript of an actual conversation we had last night while I was trying to read and he was learning to virtually jump out of a plane without getting killed by Nazis (insert eye roll here):

Uberman: So how did he learn to stop time?
Me: Who?
Uberman: The vampire.
Me: He doesn't stop time.
Uberman: He doesn't stop time?
Me: No.
Uberman: Huh. What about teleport?
Me: No.
Uberman: He doesn't teleport?
Me: No. Can I read my book now?
Uberman: Sure. So what does he do?
Me: He listens to people's thoughts.
Uberman: Well sure, don't they all?
Me: No, some of them have different gifts.
Uberman: Like what?
Me: Like his sister predicts the future.
Uberman: A vampire who can predict the future?
Me: Yeah. And his brother has the ability to calm a tense situation.
Uberman: That's a sucky gift.
Me: I guess. Can I please read now?
Uberman: How do they make money? Do they have jobs?
Me: Duh, the sister predicts the future. They invest in the market.
Uberman: Oh. But they don't teleport?
Me (frustrated): No! They don't teleport!
Uberman (laughing): Why?
Me (eyes rolling, voice getting shrill): Because that would make it ridiculous!

Uberman wiped the tears from his eyes, shoulders shaking from hysterical laughter.

Not that I am knocking these books, because they are riveting. But in my own defense I would like to point out that I have been reading Jane Austen since 1987, before it was cool to read Jane Austen. I love Hawthorne, Steinbeck and Henry James and I think To Kill A Mockingbird was the greatest piece of fiction ever written. Not that I feel like I have to defend myself. I'm just sayin'.


Kristi said...

My god, this is hilarious! I have not yet been sucked down the rabbit hole by the Twilight series, but I have thought about it. Oh yes I have. And now I am scared because I'm sure I will pick it up before too long, and my own audience of heckling will commence!

for a different kind of girl said...

Hilarious! I read the first one. It took me forever, seriously, because I was editorializing through it. Um, to say I hated it would be an understatement! Instead of poking fun at me, my husband endured listening to me gripe about it. I promised him I'd not touch the rest of them, and I don't think the author really misses me! Ha!

Um, however, I should add that I do continue to make fun of my husband and his computer games... :)

Stacey said...

You know my maniac stand on Twilight. And on husbands who play Medal of Honor all night long. I'm right with you, sista. Just wait till you get through with the series and you have nothing to look forward to but your boring everyday life. Sigh. I'm there....

Vodka Mom said...

I;m a newbie- your site is lovely! And, I love to laugh - so I will come back!

DevilsHeaven said...

Only people who don't read think it's ok to carry on a conversation while reading!! F does it to me ALL THE TIME. Asking questions,hello! Read it yourself!
And I felt the same way about the Harry Potter books until I read them. Don't be ashamed!

Roland Hulme said...

I hadn't even heard of these books until I went to the launch of the latest one (I think Stef Meyer was actually there, but I didn't see her.) Lots of girls in prom dresses...

Vampire stuff has been done to death, I though, but people are saying good things about these books! Although somebody mentioned that the forth one 'jumped the shark.'

We expect a full review, Queen April!

Brenda said...

Of course we would have this is common too! I just finished the last book. It was super hyped as the best. I would like to know your thoughts on it once you get there. Rivoting, yes. i got sucked into the vortex and I have to admit, I rather liked it!

chandy said...

Someone brought these up at the last book club...I hadn't heard of them before, and I'll admit my first thought was "vampires? seriously?" But I'd try just about anything once.

Hey, if you're a reader, why haven't you ever come to Jessica's book club before? ;)

aschmoel said...

I knew you would love them!!! Who cares if they are ridonculous,and your husband is laughing at you (asked him the last book he read that didn't include pictures or sports stats) I loved them all, right down to the last page of the fourth book. After my heartbreak at the end of the Harry Potter series...yes I cried when it was over.... I never thought I would find another series of silly books I loved so much until I got roped into Twilight. Talk about crazy, I actually stood in line until 2:00 in the morning to buy the last book on the day of the release. Who cares that I was the oldest one there by a good 20 years, I was part of the experience.

Love ya,