Monday, August 4, 2008

Queen of the Weirdos

I've had some extra time on my hands lately and so I have had a chance to do a little self discovery. And guess what I have found out? I'm weird. No seriously, I am a freak. Here's how I know:

1. I eat my chips from smallest to largest and save the folded ones for last. Then I eat the folded ones from smallest to largest. I really do this. I actually physically separate them on the plate according to size. And if you are wondering why I am eating chips when I am supposed to be working on Operation Smokin' Hot April . . . bite me.

2. I get so irritated if there are crumbs or food debris inside the microwave. I am anal about wiping it out. When I open that door, I want to see nothing but white. If I see crumbs, popcorn butter or the residue of whatever blew up in there when Uberman used it last, I want to rip my hair out from root. And yet there are piles of unfolded laundry in baskets in my room and I could care less.

3. I am completely addicted to chapstick. I always have one in my makeup bag, one in this little basket on my vanity, one in my nightstand and at least one in my purse. If I can't find one, I start to freak out a little. Like dry chapped lips are going to send me over the edge.

4. I have a routine when I am getting ready in the morning. If any part of that routine is followed out of order, I feel uneasy the rest of the day. Seriously, aren't people on medication for stuff like that?

5. Boo has these sippy cups with straws that flip out of the lid. If Uberman gives her a drink in one and doesn't make sure the lid matches the appropriate cup, it irritates the hell out of me. And yes, he does it just to watch me roll my eyes and search the cabinet for the right lid. He thinks it's hilarious. Me? Not so much.

6. I have a stack of People magazines I am catching up on. I can not and will not read them out of order. I am reading them from oldest to newest. And even though I am dying to read the latest one, I won't until I have read all the others that came before it.

7. Uberman sold some D-Backs tickets on StubHub and asked me to mail them out for him. I checked the tickets at least four times before I left the house to make sure they were for the right date. And then I checked them again when I got in the car and then again before I put them in the envelope at FedEx. And still, it drove me crazy for the rest of the day. Did I send out the right tickets?? I checked the book of tickets again when I got home. Even though I knew I sent out the right ones.

Look, it's not like I am some psycho neat freak or anything. I mean my house is complete chaos. I probably shouldn't share this with the rest of the world, but there are enough crumbs on my kitchen floor right now to feed a small village in Africa. And yet I am up here in the mess that is the office blogging.

But . . . if there was anything in the microwave? I would not be up here. I would be cleaning it right now and I would not be able to sleep tonight until I was sure it is clean. And yes, I check it before I go to bed.

See, I told you.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go check my microwave again.


Caitlin said...

YAY for being a weirdo. Me, too.

he ticket thing spoke to me, because I do the SAME THING whenever mailing anything (is the stamp there? is it? I can see it, but what if it.....FELL OFF in my purse on the way to the post office??? PANIC). I also lock my car like 84,000 from the handheld remote, even thought I clearly already heard it beep every.single.time.

HOORAY weirdos. Weirdos rejoice!

Trisha said...

Weirdos of the world unite!

Hey - I have lived my entire life being a weirdo and being darn proud of it. After all, why would you want to be "normal?"

I have things that I am very peculiar about and then LOTS of things that just don't bother me! I think that is normal!

Embrace your inner weirdo!

DevilsHeaven said...

Why do men feel its ok to do stuff just to drive us nuts? Don't they realize they are just contributing to their own demise? F uses a spoon instead of a knife to spread butter, jelly, whatever on bread and it DRIVES ME NUTS!!

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh! I could have written this very same post! I am compulsive about chapstick and lipgloss. I have a ton in my purse, at least two in my pocket at all time! If I forget and go to work without some in my pocket, I swear my lips turn instantly dry and painful.

I'm the same way about magazines and checking and double checking things. We're all weird together!

kristen s said...

Here's a weird one for ya... I feel like I'm breaking up a relationship if I separate bread slices in a loaf. Like if I take one, then skip one and take the next slice a piece or two behind it, I feel like a bread home wrecker! Those two slices had been next to each other...probably had plans to grow 'mold' together (ha ha)...and then here come my stubby fingers breaking them apart and setting them up with different pieces of bread.

I feel the same way if I do this to cookies in packages where they're set up in rows too, like Oreos. I admit that I have broken up Oreo marriages in the past and I am so ashamed.

And, you may remember this, but I STILL have my same old aversion to "P" words. Even my dear little 3 year old likes to say the word "nipples" to me because he knows I can't stand it. All of the guys in my family like to terrorize me with "P" words. They probably don't even care if they break up a bread slice relationship either. Monsters.

So, yeah, I should probably be on medication too. I know a lot of this stuff is genetic, though, because my daughter hates "P' words just like mommy does. Don't be surprised if Boo starts checking the microwave in her Pottery Barn Kids kitchen. Although a part of you will worry that you passed on the OCD, another part of you will be beaming with pride.

Stacey said...

Hi April! Mom sent me your blog link, too! She's been trying to get me to start this ever since you started yours - but I thought that blogs were weird. Now I'm addicted. And I've even added your name to my giant list of other bloggers I know. I now have two whole names on my list. I rock!

It's good to read about you. Mom has been keeping me updated with funny stories you tell via email for years.

I still remember when you watched us girls when Mom and Dad went out of town one weekend. I thought you had the coolest big hair I'd ever seen.

Anywho, looking forward to snooping on your blog. Please snoop on mine.

DutchMac said...

I too am I Chapstick junkie. And I have to have only one specific kind (the light blue 'medicated' kind .... like the drug level in it will give me some kind of lip-licious high or something). Mine tend to reside in the front right pocket of my jeans, and yes, I've been known to search through the load of clothes that's recently been washed but not yet put in the dryer to find a Chapstick. And I'm usually successful.

I also have a chaotic house but cannot stand to try to sleep if the closet door or any dresser drawer is a fraction of an inch open. I may have piles of clothes and papers to walk over, and may not be able to see the gorgeous sage-green paint on our walls for all the crap piled up on MY HUSBAND'S side of the furniture, but Heaven forbid a drawer be open far enough to wedge a sheet of paper in. Seriously cannot deal with that.

As you can see from the other comments, you're not alone. And let's be honest, that's really the reason you wrote this post anyway, isn't it? You don't think you're nearly as much of a freak as you claim, you just wanted some validation from the rest of the world that you're just as normal as our messed up selves. I hear ya, Queenie! I may not be clever enough to win Big Brother-style mind games, but this is a level of mental manipulation I relish in.

('in which I relish'? can't quite get 7th grade English grammar lessons out of my Type-A-personality head)

Tanya said...

Your too funny. I do feel the same way about my microwave. I guess I am not quite as "wierd"about it as you are though. :) However, I am a freak when it comes to having chapstick around. Gotta have it!! I have several around the house and in my purse. If I need it and cannont find one, I start to panic!!! See your not a freak! We're normal.

Roland Hulme said...

Chapstick is addictive. It needs to be regulated by the FDA. I know so many people who are chapstick junkies now - always jonesing to get to CVS for their 'fix.'

Lovely, soft lips, though.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I totally get you. My microwave must also be clean. I will not use it until it has been cleaned. I have hollered at my kids, "What is wrong with you? All I ask is that you put a piece of waxed paper or a paper towel over what you are heating! Is that too much to ask?" countless times.

AND whenever I turn off my car I immediately place my keys in my purse. I open the car door and check my purse to make sure the keys are in it and then close it. I step out of the car and open my purse to make sure my keys are there before I shut the door. I do not understand why I am such a freak like that. I have never in my life locked my keys in my car... but I have an almost pathological fear that I am going to.

I cannot do laundry without thoroughly sorting every bit of it first. I'm afraid I will miss something. If I can't fold the laundry right away and it gets wrinkled... I throw it back in the dryer with clean wet washcloths to get the wrinkles out. Laundry will sit in baskets all over my room... folded... but I won't put it away unless the drawers are organized.

I clean from the inside out. It drives my husband crazy because there can be a mountain of dishes but I will start by cleaning out the fridge and organizing the pantry. Oh, and his favorite... wiping off the top of the fridge.

Sigh... so glad to know you bloggy friend.

Bogart in P Towne said... fixes things.


Angela said...

I have FIVE chapsticks or lipglosses in my purse.

Yes, five.

creative-type dad said...

Wow! You REALLY are weird.

I'm glad I'm completely normal.

Now where's my bucket of chicken, white colonel suit, and Lionel Richie boombox? It's almost noon, I need to go wave at cars on the freeway.

Sue said...

I'm SO glad it's not just me...I can't leave the house without my Blistex DCT (Daily Conditioning Treatment-SPF 20, thank you very much) I have to run to the store to get more when I am down to having only 3 or 4 completely new, still in the package, unopened containers.

I could care less about laundry too, but I am pretty anal, pardon the pun, when it comes to my bathrooms. They always need to be in perfect "order" on the off chance that Brad Pitt just happens to stop by and needs to "use the facilities."

I always, always double, and usually triple check that my house and car doors are locked, even long before the recent "Honda-napping" and I will always listen to phone messages 3, 4, 5 or even more times to be sure that I am copying down the phone number or other pertinent information correctly, because, you know, once it's gone, its gone...

Don't even start me on Halloween...I start planning my annual Adult Halloween Party in November about a week after the last party, seriously...nothing crazy about that now, is there?

Practically Joe said...

My wife drives me insane. That's why I have to rotate the plastic hangers when I hang laundry and I'm the only one who can properly load the dishwasher (back to front, small to big, all facing the left with equal spacing). Hey! Maybe we can hang out.

kacki4 said...

Kid, I am totally a victim of the chip war. What is the deal with that?!