Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Queen Goes to REI

Yes, you read that correctly. Yesterday I went to REI. I know what you are thinking. What was the self-proclaimed Indoor Girl doing at REI? I was running an errand for a family member. Because I am awesome like that.
So as I waited for the lovely people working at REI to pull their heads out of their nether regions, I had some time to browse around a little. And the funny thing about REI, well, they make everything look so cool. I found myself thinking, Wow - I could really use a canoe. And I wonder if that freeze dried spaghetti is any good? And No freakin' way! Jewel tone Carabiners!
And as usual, I took ever opportunity to make new friends, utilize my observation skills and eavesdrop on other people's conversations. So I would like to take a moment to address a few of of the victims, um, I mean subjects of my observations, just in case they read this blog. What? It could happen.
To the Nice Man I chatted with while he made a return at the customer service counter -
I applaud your fashion chutzpah. It takes a special man to rock the socks and sandals look with such confidence. Your selection of sparkly rainbow ankle booties with your Keen sport sandals gives a whole new meaning to the term loud and proud. However, asking the girl behind the counter if this double sleeping bag can be ordered in a lovely shade of lavender? Well my friend, that took huevos. Good luck on your trip to California and subsequent honeymoon camping trip in Costa Rica.
Girl who told you where she found the leopard print luggage tags
To the Guy bending over looking at backpacks -
Have you heard the term "Crack kills"? Well what about the term "Hairy crack causes repulsion, gasps and reverse persitalsis, and then kills"? My suggestion: stop looking at backpacks and start checking out the belts. And maybe consider a wax? It just seems to me it makes sense in this heat and all.
With respect,
Girl unfortunate enough to be standing three feet behind you just as you bent over and showed of the not so goodies
To the Guy shopping with his Lovely Wife and New Baby -
I am sure she appreciates you making suggestions on how she can "lose all that baby weight." However, from the looks of it, that baby is fresh from the womb. Why don't we let her episiotomy stitches dissolve before we start suggesting she get back into a work out routine? After all, she did just sacrifice her body for nine months to give birth to YOUR child. I am sure if you just squeezed out an eight pound watermelon with shoulders, requiring a small incision in your testicular area, you would not be so thrilled to start mountain biking just yet, either. So how 'bout you lay off your post partum size six wife and appreciate how lucky you are to have such a beautiful, patient and understanding woman who was willing to procreate with you. You insensitive, miserable piece of crap.
In Christ,
Girl who looked at you with disgust and disdain as she passed you in the helmet aisle
It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I just wish there were more pleasant people rocking sparkly rainbow socks and less people acting like jerks. And more places offering good deals on waxes for men. Yowzah.

Now, where am I gonna put this canoe?


Katie said...

I love that you signed the letter, "In Christ." And as for the canoe...I hear the canal is quite lovely this time of year!

Anonymous said...

You are wicked Muriel!

Hopefully, you've seen Muriel's Wedding and get that.

Caitlin said...

You slay me, woman!

Sadly, the last letter sounds like a douchey (can I say douchey on your blog? because I just did. twice) guy I once (am ashamed to admit that I) dated. He too liked to shop at REI. He also had the most adorable, pudgy nephew, who was about 4 months old, and he would always say how fat he was. Like GAH. EW. that baby is FAT.
At which I told him that was a GOOD THING because babies are SUPPOSED to be fat, YOU IDIOT.

but then he also wanted me to only prance around in designer jeans in front of his friends because it was terribly important to impress them, and well, he thought *I* was fat, too, so you can see, really, why it didn't last long.

Tessie said...

Oh, how I laughed at the episiotomy stitches bit! What is WRONG with me? Hilarious.

DevilsHeaven said...

Men are clueless. I think you should've said something nice to the new mom, like You look fabulous! Despite the 150 lb wart you have standing next to you!

Bogart in P Towne said...

Ever wonder what people go home and write on their blogs about you?

I wonder that sometimes...could I be that weird guy they tell their friends about?

April said...

Katie - Would YOU get in that canal water? No way dude.

Coffee Bean - I have seen it! I laughed out loud when I read your comment. Ha!!

Caitlin - You can write whatever you want man! Mi casa es su casa.

Tessie - All the things wrong with you are wrong with me too. That is why I think you are hilarious!

DH - I was too irritated. I just smiled that "I am so sorry you are married to an ass" smile. She got it.

Bogart - I do wonder that! I am sure they write something along the lines of "Dear chubby mom waiting for the parade at Disneyland - Do you really think you need to be eating ice cream? Maybe you should jog in place until Mickey & the Gang come 'round the corner?? And I think you've had enough popcorn. For crying out loud, share with your kids!" Whatever man, it's all part of blogging, right?

Lisa J said...

Hey April! Just wanna say that I LOVE your new blog! I'm also going to email a few friends in the UK/Ireland and see if we can get you a few dots on your map from over their way. :) See how good I am to you?

Lisa J said...

Okay, duh. Let's try that again:

Hey April! Just wanna say that I LOVE your new blog ****BACKGROUND****. There. That's what I meant. :)

Sue said...

April, when does your show start? Seriously, the stuff you write is WAY better than anything on any sitcom, EVER. You are an absolute riot, and I look forward to stopping by your blog everyday.

Love it, love it!

April said...

Sue! You are super sweet! Thank you for your kind words!

Wouldn't it just rock if we could actually make money on this? There's always the dream.

Becky said...

Dear April,

Please put the canoe up the "nether regions" of the louse of a husband at REI.

If my husband had ever made me feel inadequate for being pudgy, well...I'm pretty sure that he would have awoken to find hair glued to mysterious places.

Chubby wife swollen with offspring number 8...who has NEVER lost the baby weight from 1,2,3,4,5,6,or 7.