Thursday, July 31, 2008
It's a catchy little tune, you can't deny it. That beat stretches from your ears to your toes and the next thing you know you're bobbing your head and shakin' your groove thing.
Only one small problem. You are the mother of three impressionable young children. You can't go be-bopping around town in the family truckster belting out I kissed a girl and I liked it. There are just too many questions that are going to come up.
It felt so wrong, it felt so right
I can't get this song out of my head. I'll be totally honest with you.... It makes me want to dance. Yes, I am a thirty-six year old responsible wife and mom. I am so not MTV's demographic. I mean I'm a Republican for crying out loud! I can't be listening to this crap.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
Damn you Katy Perry! I want to kick your short skirt wearing, cherry chap stick loving, experimenting little ass. Right after I finish jamming to your dumb song.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
But there is one problem. I thought I would share it with you. Are you ready? Here goes...
The Universal Remote his parents bought him for Christmas. Two years ago. Probably out dated. Still. In. The. Box.
You see my friends, the only thing we are apparently lacking in this room . . . is efficiency.
Dear Blogger, you are a dirty pirate hooker. Just because I am currently unemployed, it does not mean my time is not valuable. In the amount of time it took me to edit this post, I could have cleaned my bathrooms, folded two loads of laundry, changed the sheets on all the beds and come up with a cure for cancer. Thanks for starting my morning on such high note. Sincerely, the irritated and frustrated Queen.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Yesterday I watched 8 straight hours of TiVo. In my pajamas. But I was productive, I completed one whole load of laundry. And I didn't neglect my babies, I fed them cereal, crackers, frozen pizza, ice cream and sourdough toast. For dinner I went all out. I made Ramen noodles. Which I have not eaten in probably 25 years. And they were delicious. Next time I am going to add some chicken.
Today's agenda? Baking. Because I feel like it. I am going to make Katie's Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Bars and Oatmeal Cake. I'm also going to eat a pretty significant portion of both. And I am going to wash it all down with Diet Pepsi. At least until 5:00 pm and then I'm going to switch to a bottle of Riesling. Because it goes so well with desserts.
So yeah, I think I am handling everything really well.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I have said this before, but there are so many times when I wish I had decided to remain anonymous. It's not that I am a private person, because I will tell you anything you want to know. It's just that sometimes, I think I would be more open with my feelings if I was sure nobody I knew was reading about them. I'm a pretty open person in real life, so I am not sure why I find it difficult to share certain things on my blog. Maybe it's the fear of criticism or judgement. I really don't know.
But I started this blog for me. And sometimes I need to forget that there are other people reading it. Sometimes I need to use it just to get stuff off my chest. To deal with stuff I am keeping inside.
So with that said.... It has been a difficult two weeks.
I have talked vaguely about work. Let's just say for the past four years I have been working in an industry where confidentiality is necessary. But the industry I am in has affected and been affected by the economy, if that makes sense. And for a while we were fine. But as the downward spiral of the economy continued, things began to slow. And then, in the past few months, things have come to a screeching halt. I'm not stupid. I keep my eyes open. I watch CNBC every day, all day. I know what's going on and why. I knew my job was a ticking time bomb. So last week, the He Boss regretfully informed me they wouldn't be needing me anymore.
It was a difficult decision for him. I could see it on his face. I could hear it in his voice. But I wasn't surprised. I knew it was coming. Even though people would ask me how my job was going, I would smile and tell them it was fine. But I knew.
Today was my last day.
I have been very fortunate to work for the two people who own this business. I have learned so much from them. Not only about this industry, but running a business in general. I have learned about negotiating, about taking advantage of opportunity, about the importance of confidence and how to get people to do what you need them to do. I have learned that helping someone accomplish their goals can be more rewarding than making money.
At this point, my career path is uncertain. Can I just tell you how much I hate uncertainties? I fear the unknown. So yeah, I'm a little scared. I am focusing on the positives. I am fortunate that Uberman has an amazing job that provides us with benefits. I am fortunate that he works so hard so that I don't have to work as much and I can be there for our babies. I am fortunate that right now there is no need to panic.
God has a plan. When one door shuts, another one opens. Change is good. Yes, I have heard them all. And I am thankful for the people who love me enough to say these things to me. But I still have the nervous tummy. I still am not sleeping well at night. I am still uncertain about the future. I know I am being steered in another direction. I can feel that with every part of my being. And I do have hope. Which is a lot more than many people out there have right now.
So! Focusing on the positives, I came up with a list titled The Benefits of Being (Temporarily) Unemployed. Ladies and Gentlemen, here they are:
- I can spend the last two weeks of summer enjoying my children before they head back to school.
- I can focus my energy on cleaning my house, catching up on laundry and organizing my closet.
- I can catch up on my People magazines and hopefully read at least one of the seven books collecting dust on my nightstand.
- I can go to lunch with my girlfriends.
- I do not have to think about what I am going to wear and whether or not it is clean and/or ironed.
- I do not have set tire on the freeway.
- I will spend less money on gas!!
- I can sleep in, at least until the kids get me up.
- I can go grocery shopping in the middle of the day and avoid the crowds.
- And most importantly - I will not feel worn out at the end of the day and guilty about the time spent away from home.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Now please keep in mind, I love me a good musical. I thoroughly believe this world would be a better place if we all broke out in song and choreographed dance moves at least once a day. Think about how much more fun it would be to go to the grocery store or the bank or the post office if you knew there was a possibility people were going to bust out singing and dancing and round-off back-hand-springing across the tiles. And this movie was cute. It was fun, had some humorous moments and a good story. And who doesn't love Meryl Streep? And Colin Firth (sigh) is so dreamy.
Ahem. However... There were moments during the movie when I was uncomfortable. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean embarrassed. Mortified. For the actors. This movie was so over the top and uber-cheesy I actually felt my face turning red several times. And I am the type of person who is almost impossible to embarrass. I was so distracted wondering how the producers got these actors to agree to do this movie. To sing and dance and jump around shirtless in a fountain. I know it sounds hot, but it was sooooo not. I mean I like making money too, but there are limits to what I will do in order to receive a paycheck people. Are you following me here? Have you ever felt embarrassed for the actors in a movie? No??
Okay, let's imagine you are channel surfing on a Saturday afternoon, and you come across Grease 2. And don't even sit there and try to tell me you would not watch it if you saw it playing on TBS. Because you are a liar. I know it, you know it, and everyone here knows it.
So it's the bowling alley scene and everybody's bopping around singing in chorus about how they're gonna score-ore-ore tonight. And you are like, okay, this is kind of fun, I totally wish I could pirouette and bowl a strike at the same time.
And then the scene changes and everyone's in the parking lot watching Michael/Cool Rider jump a police car on his motorcycle and they all start singing ooooh ooooh who's that guy? You start feeling the heat in your cheeks a little. You might actually roll your eyes and chuckle. But then, at the end, and if I am spoiling it for anyone - really I am doing you a favor, it's the talent show scene and Michelle Pfeiffer is in shock or whatever because she thinks Cool Rider is dead. She kind of forgets that she's supposed to be singing about winter and acting like a Christmas tree and she starts imagining she's in biker heaven with Cool Rider. They are singing to each other about the love they lost and how - in this world - can she make it on her own? Then he's standing at the top of that tire mountain, stretches his hand out to her and says in his sexiest dead biker guy voice - "Stephanie, never forget me!"
You know how you feel at that moment?? When you are DYING you are so embarrassed and you're practically hiding under a blanket or your coffee table and praying to GOD ALMIGHTY no one is going to walk in and actually witness you watching that crap??
That is how I felt watching Mamma Mia. I was Grease 2 embarrassed. My face is red and I am curling my toes after just typing all that. And yet, every time I see it's on I'm all excited "Awesome! Grease 2, man!"
Would I see Mamma Mia again? Only if it was on cable and there was no paper trail or proof that I was watching it again. I think I was more embarrassed watching that than I was watching Sex and The City - with my mother in law. So what does that tell you? I would rather be sitting next to my mother in law watching people get it on than go through the agony of Pierce Brosnan's attempts at singing.
Oh mamma mia indeed.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Seriously, don't you just want to slug people who say that? Anyhoozers, there's a lot going on in my life right now. More than I want to get into at the moment. But never fear, no one is dying or anything. So I thought I would do a bullet point post today. Just some random items that I felt were noteworthy. You might not think so, but hey - It's my blog baby.
And here we go....
- Did a Starbucks run at lunch today. Well it's actually a Starbucks drive, isn't it? I mean it's officially 187 degrees outside so we all know this plus size girl was not running anywhere. Why do they call it plus size? I mean plus what? A bigger ass? Plus more fabric in the thighs? Really, anyone know? No?? Okay, let's move on. The closest Starbucks is at least a whole quarter of a mile from work. Seriously, who is going to walk that far? Anyway, the reason this Starbucks drive was so significant was because today, I had for the first time ev-ah . . . a mocha frapuccino. I know! Hello 21st Century, my name is April. Pleased to meet you (curtsy). And in case any of you are wondering, I usually prefer my coffee like I like my men - tall, hot and covered in whip cream. Oh my! I can't believe I just said that! It's the caffeine talking. No, really.
- The funniest thing I saw this weekend was Boo standing at the top of the stairs, iPod head phones in her ears, shaking her money maker and belting out Linkin Park's What I've Done at the top of her lungs. Eyes closed, tiara on her head and full on jazz hands extended. Not a care in the world. Precious!
- Saturday Uberman and Junior went to a special event for Diamond Backs season ticket holders at Chase Field. There was a raffle for tickets in the batter's box for tonight's game against da Cubs. Junior won!! I don't know who was more excited, Junior or Uberman. We have really good seats anyway, but hello - these are directly behind home plate on the field level! ($400 each!) Every time they show someone up to bat, Junior and Uberman will be on TV, grinning like little kids. Well one of them is a kid, but you get what I mean. Watch for them and let's all pray the D-Backs don't blow it like they did yesterday. Idiots.
- I tell y'all in my 101 things that I am allergic to weird stuff like zucchini and halibut. I know, I don't get it either. So yesterday we went up to my Mom and Dad's for dinner and to drop off Boo and Mac who are staying with them until Thursday. My mom made the most delicious dinner - the Best Salad in the World (officially), scalloped potatoes, fresh corn on the cob grilled to perfection, homemade bread and . . . fresh halibut they caught on their trip to Alaska a few weeks ago. I had not eaten halibut in 20 years, I really thought maybe I had outgrown my allergy. No such luck. But it was so worth it. Not only was it delish, but I slept AWESOME last night due to my two doses of Benadryl. And the hives have actually given my normal pasty white skin a little color today. It's been a win-win, so yay!
- My mother cracked me up yesterday and this is probably a "you had to be there" story, but I am sharing anyway. She lives in Podunk Small Hick Town Arizona, and it's lovely. Everyone has a gun rack in the rear window of their pick up and their main street consists of a post office, a volunteer fire department, a gas station and a "restaurant" that serves pizza and ribs. Seriously. So anyway, they live in a cul de sac and she was giving me all the gossip on the neighbors. Nothing too bad, just the usual small town stuff - This guy refused to chip in to have the road paved and this guy caught his wife with someone else, this lady makes the best pies, and then she totally threw me with "And this guy is really nice and I think he's gay because he likes cats." Seriously almost peed my pants from laughing. I mean who needs gaydar? Just give the guy a cat and see how he handles it. Right? My mother is FUNNY!
- I got a package in the mail this weekend from the lovely Gigglepotamus (Okay Blogger's being a poopie head and not letting me hyperlink right now so check her out in my blogroll to your right, she rocks!). I had ordered one of her adorable t-shirts for my youngest nephew, Smiley McChubbyThighs. It turned out so flipping adorable, I can hardly wait to give it to him for his first birthday. So I was showing it to Uberman and he asked where I got it and I said "My friend Lauren made it." And he says "Who's Lauren?" And then I realize, I have never met her. I only know her through the blogosphere and email. But I feel like we are friends. How weird is that?? I had this same conversation with Caitlin from Bread and Cheese. (Again, refer to blogroll on the right. Your other right! Sheesh!) Which brings me to my next bullet...
- A lot of people have asked me why I have two blogrolls, so I thought I would explain. The one on the top, or as I affectionately call it, The Queen's Court, is made up of people I know personally or are friends of friends (like Chandy, DutchMac and the awesome Brenda). The list titled The Queen Likes to Read, are people I have never met, but regularly read their blogs. And many of them feel like friends. It's a crazy thing. There are many other blogs I frequent and have not taken the time to list yet, but I feel the same way. Thanks for sharing your stories with me and taking the time to read mine.
That's it for now. Thanks for indulging me today. This was a sucky post. Maybe I should have put that part at the top and saved you some time?? Oh well - Happy Monday!! Muah-ha-ha! (That's supposed to be me cackling, in case you were wondering.)
Thursday, July 17, 2008
She: Excuse me? Do you, like, know what zip code this is?
Me: I'm sorry?
She: It's asking me for the zip code. How the hell do I know?
Me: Um... It means your zip code.
She: Like, why does it care about my zip code?
Me: It's a security measure. To make sure you aren't using a stolen credit card.
She: Oh. That's retarded.
Me (sighing): Yeah.
What I really wanted to say: That's the pot calling the kettle black, sweetie. Have you never pumped gas before?
I did smile as I drove away. I needed a little cheering up today. I really believe God sent her to me as a gift. We all know He has a sense of humor. And I could not make this stuff up if I tried, people.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I love everything about being a mom. I loved the planning that went into becoming a mom. I loved buying the pregnancy tests, taking the tests, not believing the results of the tests hence taking more tests (possibly even in a Taco Bell rest room). I loved reading the pregnancy books, going to the doctor and peeing in the little cup, throwing up due to morning sickness and discussing the condition of my cervix with total strangers.
I loved having a baby in the house. I loved getting up in the middle of the night to feed and comfort the baby, I loved my sore nipples and my dark circles from lack of sleep. I loved the cooing, the crying, the spitting up and occasionally getting peed on. I loved that there were baby toys scattered all over my house, Disney movies in my DVD player, and Sesame Street's Greatest Hits playing in the car.
I loved that it took me two hours to get out of the house everyday only to realize I had forgotten the diaper bag. I loved that I never had room for groceries due to the car seats and strollers taking up trunk space. I loved that I was constantly finding crushed up fish crackers in my purse and hot wheel cars in my shoes.
I love watching my babies grow. I love seeing their sweet faces as they sleep, their long eyelashes stretching out over their flushed cheeks. I love driving them all over the place to get them to baseball practice, play dates and birthday parties. I love hearing them tell me the best part of their day.
I love watching my oldest turn into a little man. I love listening to him cheer and yell for his favorite baseball players (by the way A-Rod, thanks for the past few weeks and all the questions I have had to answer regarding cheating, kabalah, and why anyone would leave that pretty lady for that old lady. You suck.), I love watching in awe as he curls up in the corner of the chair in the family room with the latest issue of Kiplingers or Motor Trend. I love that he asks if he can get on the computer to check CNBC and that he TiVo's Jim Cramer. I love that he is smart, sensitive and that he writes beautiful and imaginative stories. I love that he prays and asks questions about God and knows what it means to be a good person.
I love watching my middle child as he is marvelled by the world around him. I love that he says "No, thank you." when I ask him to take out the trash. I love that his laugh is infectious and he thinks a fart is the most hilarious thing ever. I love that he loves animals and feels sad when he sees a lost pet sign on the mailbox. I love that he craves spicy foods and eats salami sandwiches with pepper jack cheese and jalapenos. I love that he reads to his sister and helps his cousin build Lego ships. I love that he is kind and considerate of others. I love that the first thing he does in the morning is give me a hug.
I love having a little girl. I love that she likes to go shopping and wear jewelry, but she has no problems keeping up with her brothers and boy cousins. I love that she knows what she likes and what she wants. I love listening to her sing and watching her dance. I love that she is a girly girl, yet she will play with cars and action figures. I love reading her Fancy Nancy books to her and playing her made up color game. I love that she says "Oooh la la!" when she sees something she likes and "No la la." when she sees something she doesn't. I love that she is meticulous about her toys and where things go in her room and it drives her crazy if the pillows on her bed are turned the wrong way. I love feeling her tiny little hand in mine as we walk together.
I love that all three of them try telling me the same story at the same time. I love that they can never agree where we should eat lunch or what movie we should rent or what game they should play on the Wii. I love that all three of them have a different favorite ice cream flavor and different favorite cereals. I love that all three of them came from the same place, but are totally different.
With all that said.... I love that the summer is coming to an end and school is starting in three weeks. BECAUSE THEY ARE DRIVING ME (AND EACH OTHER) LOONY!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Me: Excuse me?
Me: When we had the trees put in? Seriously??
Monday, July 7, 2008
Our upstairs air conditioner went out. Saturday.
I just heard all of my AZ readers utter a collective gasp. Yes. Thank you for your sympathy. I am sitting here sweating it out in the office (which is upstairs) while I wait for the AC Repairman. Who is late. Typical.
So everyone cross your fingers, legs and toes and pray (Roland you can skip that part) that the damage to my bank account will not be too significant. The house is only two years old so it is still under warranty. The unit that is. The labor, however, is not.
And I am almost positive the guy giggled when he told me this. He claims he was just clearing his throat but I am pretty sure it was a stifled giggle. Followed by a low whisper of "Sucker!" And then a fist pound to his imaginary girlfriend. Just for that I will not offer him any of my delicious ice cold raspberry lemonade while he is out there sweating over my AC unit - in direct sunlight. That will show him. Creep. Creep who is tardy.
I took my friend Katie's lead and went 48 hours with no computer this weekend. And I didn't die. Or even get the shakes. It was nice. So what kind of effed up karma is this that the air goes out? Whatever, I'm over it.
Anyhoozers, we had a lovely long weekend. And as I drove to work this morning, I had that feeling in my chest. That feeling of having laughed a lot. Do you know that feeling? It's wonderful. It's a feeling of joy and appreciation for good food, family and good friends. So I didn't mind so much that the air had gone out. And that the weekend was over. And that it was a hundred and fifty degrees with a million percent humidity (totally not exaggerating). Because I felt I had a lot to be thankful for.
And then I looked in the mirror.
And my hair, which is supposed to look like a darker, slightly longer version of this:
.... instead looked like this:
All right Karma. You have officially gone too far. Don't mess with the hair. I honestly don't know what is worse. Going on three days with no upstairs air? Or walking around looking like this guy? At least the lack of air gives me a "glow."
Seriously, slap a cotton-poly blend denim colored jacket on me and Tommy Lee Jones is gonna come knocking.
Life is so freakin' unfair.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
So? What do you think?
And if you are a lurker - delurk yourself. I see you Newnan Georgia. I am talking to you. I want to know your thoughts. Your opinion matters. Unless you say it sucks, and then it doesn't count at all.
I'm shakin' things up around here. Out with the old, in with the new! Hopefully the boobs are next.
Have a Happy Fourth!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I just wish there were more pleasant people rocking sparkly rainbow socks and less people acting like jerks. And more places offering good deals on waxes for men. Yowzah.
Now, where am I gonna put this canoe?
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Of course, I don't live under a rock so I kind of had a good idea what the story was about. I knew it was about a drug lord. With scars on his face. I assumed it would be sort of a gangster type movie. And because the title suggested a struggle to overcome appearances, I thought we were looking at a Godfather meets Elephant Man type scenario. And although I never expected everyone to accept Christ as their Lord and Savior at the end, I assumed there would be some kind of redemption theme in the story line. I was misled by the black/white poster. Or I'm just really stupid.
Other than the beginning of the movie when he briefly and vaguely discusses his scar with the police, we never hear mention of the scar again. As a matter of fact, in some scenes we don't even see it. It kind of fades in and out, along with the accents of most of the cast. Which were terrible. I don't think they budgeted for dialogue coaches back then.
But I am sure when this movie was originally made - in 1983, it was a pioneer. It was probably shocking and provocative. But twenty five years later, it's well . . . dated. Funny, even. Borderline cheesy, if I dare say.
Am I glad I finally watched it? Yeah. Was I disappointed? Yes. But I did learn a few things, and that is what is important.
Want to know what I learned? Yes? I knew you would!