Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Love In the Time of Cholera

I'm sick. Really sick. Like I almost want to die sick. I am 100% convinced I have salmonella from bad tomatoes. Or cholera. Because it feels like cholera. I mean I have never actually had cholera before yesterday, but I have seen The Painted Veil and I am pretty sure this is what cholera would feel like. Cholera is not fun.

I had Uberman looking up salmonella and tomatoes on the Google last night. I just really needed to know if it was possible to die from it. Can you imagine how uncool? Death by tomato? Seriously, can you think of a less menacing fruit? Maybe the raspberry. But tomatoes are pretty wimpy. At least pineapples have that prickly outside. I would much rather die from a pineapple.

So in my weak and delirious state last night I was asking Uberman if he would remarry right away. I was so happy when he said no. Until he explained that it might take a while to get his new wife cleared through immigration. Oh ha ha ha. Uberman, you are so funny. I am dying. And instead of spending our final moments together telling me you loved me and your life was better for knowing me (at least that's what Ed Norton told Naomi Watts in The Painted Veil), you are cracking jokes about which country would be easiest for importing new wives. He's leaning toward Germany.

Just for that, when I die I am going to leave him with two baskets of unfolded laundry. I was going to fold them in between trips to vomit, but I am not going to waste my time. The newbie can handle it. So there. That's right, hell hath no fury like a woman with cholera. Or salmonella. Whatever.

The good news is I am closer to my goal weight. Yay me! Will someone please make sure Uberman buries me in something really cool? Like leather pants. Or that dress Halle Berry wore when she won her Oscar. I loved that dress.

I'm going back to bed. That is if I can make it before passing out on the stairs. Hopefully the kids will at least roll me to the side so I don't get trampled.


chandy said...

Uh-oh...sounds like you might have the ptomaine. Hope you make a full recovery before your replacement moves in.

Becky said...

April, I hate to break it to you, but Uberman was leaning towards Germany before you took ill. Remember? The land of a million beers. Doesn't have a lot to do with Uberwife #2.

:) I once asked my hubby if he would remarry...of course he said "I don't know." Yep...that is comforting.

I made him promise not to remarry because it would screw up our kids. :)

He can however remarry if I die in a tragic car accident that wipes out all of the children with me.

Morbid, I know.

Maybe he should have a vasectomy, so that at least if we all go down in a blaze of glory...he can't share his seed with anyone else.

Yep, I need therapy.

Feel better,

The Maid

Anonymous said...

so, even on your deathbed, you are still laugh out loud hilariously funny. seriously. god i've missed reading you....i'm so sorry i've been MIA, but i'm back now. I PROMISE.

love you lotsly and FEEL BETTER soon!!!!

xo, bb

DevilsHeaven said...

I can't believe you'd even get up to fold laundry! No no no! The family must know what it is to not have you so they'll treat you well. Seriously, did you learn nothing from Rosanne Barr's show?

Katie said...

I hope you don't die...blogland wouldn't be the same without you. And neither would Bunco. The world needs your humor, so suck it up!

B Wiens said...

hahaha.... I love your sense of humor, even though dying....

Manager Mom said...

I don't mean to add to your misery, but that mail-order bride joke was pretty damn humorous.

Hope you feel better!

Pavel said...

wow! What deep questions about getting remarried! I love the maid's response. lol...

Seriously, though, it's probably some vegetable that you ate. You never hear of anyone getting salmonella because they ate Dark chocolate or some Moose Tracks ice cream. NO, only vegetables. I won't go near the stuff...

Me_Again said...

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes comes to mind =-0
Feel better soon =0)